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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

265 replies

Collienova · 31/05/2017 00:50

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

OP posts:
Floozie66 · 01/06/2017 18:07

Solomonswife but as a new granny can you not understand that new mum might want / need her own mum for additional support and that is not about getting to see baby first? Her own mum can give the emotional support needed as she knows her best and is not soley visiting to see the baby - i think mils need to reflect back to their birthing experience and think what helped / what was unhelpful so all this competition on who gets to see the baby first doesnt get in the way of future relationship with dil

TimeIhadaNameChange · 01/06/2017 18:09

No idea if this would work re layout of Maternity, but could your husband take the baby into a separate room for a few minutes so they can meet the baby but you wouldn't have to see them?

Apologies if this is a really silly idea, but it might be a way of pleasing everyone (so long as the thought doesn't stress you out).

MycatsaPirate · 01/06/2017 18:11

I had an emc first time round and me and baby were kept in for 6 days as I was so ill. I really struggled to recover.

I had an elective with DD2 and the different was incredible. I had her at 11.30 on Weds and was begging to go home from Thursday morning. They let me out on the Friday and I actually felt really well.

I would wait and see how you feel, don't rule out visiting but get your DH to speak to his parents and explain that the decision on visiting will be made after the procedure as you have no idea how well you will be.

You could also suggest they come in 20 minutes before visiting ends and that way they get to see the baby and you have that cut-off point. If you wait until you get home there is going to be no nurse throwing them out.

Libitina · 01/06/2017 18:19

The way some of you are advocating treating your PILs, it's no wonder so many MNetters have MIL/PIL problems.

sycamore54321 · 01/06/2017 18:21

Two more quick thoughts on this - you mention Skype for your own mum; you should at least propose your husband Skype the in laws too to show them the baby.

I can't quite follow the childcare timeline but I think you are putting your daughter in an awkward spot if she is to return to the in-laws fr another day or more after she meets the baby. They will likely be asking her lots about the baby and she might well ask why they haven't seen the baby themselves. I can imagine them telling the truth will be heard by her as "your mummy didn't want us to meet the baby" and that will be very confusing for her. If you do go this route, think carefully how you want the grandparents to answer that question.

grannytomine · 01/06/2017 18:26

I can't remember this being an issue years ago, certainly not with anyone in my family and I just had one friend who couldn't have anyone visiting for 2 weeks and then strictly by appointment for a very limited time. Guess who was the first one knocking on my door when baby was born?

frozenfairy123 · 01/06/2017 18:29

Not read all the post but my opinion would be tell them now that u don't want any hospital visitors but give them a set day and time they can come round to give them something to focus on. Xx

MaybeNextWeek · 01/06/2017 18:32

I would let pils pop in for a quick visit for dhs sake, not theirs but his as I know it would mean a lot to him.

People get so angst ridden about visiting after having a baby, it's a happy occasion honestly I don't get it. Yes limit it, friends and more distant rels etc can see you at home but imo grandparents are a priority and should be 'allowed' a fleeting 15min visit.

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2017 18:40

You'll do what you need to do.

But they will be hurt. Hopefully they'll hide it.

grannytomine · 01/06/2017 18:43

NannyOgg, that made me laugh. My DIL did something that upset me, not quite this but similar. We get on well and she has no idea that 6 years later I bear a grudge. I will carry on hiding it but it is there.

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/06/2017 18:49

Why will they be hurt if you say "I don't want any visitors for XX hours except DD, but you can be the first ones after that"

buttfacedmiscreant · 01/06/2017 18:49

and I think skyping is a good idea

Craigie · 01/06/2017 18:52

As long as your own parents are also excluded from the hospital then that's your decision. If you're letting your mum & dad visit, then you are being TOTALLY unreasonable.

NewStateswoman · 01/06/2017 19:03

I don't know, would 15 minutes to cop over the baby and make sure everyone's alright be that much to ask?

If it's the day after you're very likely to be up and about, I would grin and bear it as you said they're good people.

AyeAmarok · 01/06/2017 19:13

As long as your own parents are also excluded from the hospital then that's your decision. If you're letting your mum & dad visit, then you are being TOTALLY unreasonable.

Why, Craig? Why is a woman wanting only her own mum there when she's feeling at her weakest, most sore, most vulnerable and emotional, and with her nether regions savaged from childbirth a few hours previously, being "TOTALLY unreasonable" for not wanting to see anyone but her mum?

Can people not understand, it's not about the grandparents, or even the baby, but the woman's comfort and dignity?

delilah245 · 01/06/2017 19:14

I agree with @birdintheroom
It's not about being fair at the time... its not just about who gets to see the baby and when. It is who the mother is comfortable with that isn't going to bring more stress during a vulnerable time. Sorry, I used to be all about the being equally fair to parents and in laws until I had my kids. I learned exactly why it wasn't fair for most. My mom would be over helping me, cleaning, cooking, and truly being there for me in whatever way I needed support with DCs. While ILs would rather just take over my DCs and not have me around. So it is completely different.

You need to do whatever you feel comfortable with, people may not like it, but if they are genuinely supportive of you they will understand. I have plenty of friends who did not want visitors (family included) at the hospital after giving birth. I have never even thought that was strange... it is a very private time for some and it is actually annoying that some people would act as if that is unreasonable. That is so selfish. It is not about anyone else but mom, dad, and the baby!! Everyone else can wait. I would NEVER want my sister or anyone else having me visit during that time if they preferred it to be private time for them and their DH. This is coming from someone who had BOTH sides of (20+ people!) family visit in hospital, but it is a personal choice and should be something respected.

Lallypop · 01/06/2017 19:17

YANBU but unfortunately I think you'll have to suck it up and allow them there. It's big for you but also for them.

SaucyJack · 01/06/2017 19:19

sycamore - why on Earth would that be any sort of problem for anyone unless the ILs wanted to go out of their way to cause upset (which I doubt they do)

The DD is 5. She's extremely unlikely to ask why they haven't met the baby and she has at her age- and even if she does, there's a million and one things they can say to make her feel like a special big sister instead of a piece of shit.

You're giving the GPs far too little credit for their ability to be supportive.

delilah245 · 01/06/2017 19:19

@grannytomine 6 years later? Bitter much?? Shock

TheSkyAtNight · 01/06/2017 19:39

You know yourself, you know your ILs. YADNBU.

kennycat · 01/06/2017 19:39

Thats absolutely fine I think. I made it absolutely clear that I wanted nobody at the hospital other than my husband with both of mine.
A) hospitals are horrible places
B) I'd be in my pjs or something vile and covered in yukkiness
C) i didn't want to play pass the baby so soon after meeting my children
D) it is a special time for my immediate family ie my husband and me.

I'm sure people will say 'but they aren't coming to see you' but don't forget you are still a person (although it's easy to forget this when you have a newborn) and how you feel about seeing (or not seeing) visitors is still very important.

My parents were fine with this, I think MIL may have thought it a bit odd but I gave not a flying flip flop

Do what YOU want. I think if there is any time in your life you can legitimately do exactly as you please it's once you have just produced a new person.

Good luck xx

AuldHeathen · 01/06/2017 20:06

It sounds like there might be some thinly veiled bitterness from the first birth if MIL still mentions having to wait to see the baby then too. I think you need to do what's right for you, OP. And accept there might be some fallout. I disagree with others who seem to think you owe them a visit when it suits them because they have your daughter overnight.

There are still huge misunderstandings over the 'seriousness' of a caesarean. They might be ten a penny these days but that doesn't make the procedure any less of a major op.

I can recall the feeling of being wrongfooted in maternity units many years ago, with my parents just turning up on 3 out of 4 occasions. I was specially unready for visitors after #2 was born as he was ill and in scbu and the postnatal care was fairly crap as the ward was understaffed and overworked. But my parents were like serial stalkers at times.

user1472151176 · 01/06/2017 20:32

Mention it now. You say you have a good relationship so I'm sure they'll understand. You may find this birth is a whole different experience and happily welcome visitors, then you could invite them. Better get it into the open now. I felt the same. I wanted 24 hours with my second before visitors - except my 2 yo (my heart ached I missed her so much). My family were very understanding- even my in laws who wanted to be there straight away, accepted and respected my wishes. Hope it goes smoothly x

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 01/06/2017 20:33

Absolutely YANBU
It such a special, personal, emotional time. Do exactly what you feel. It's about 3 days, they're adults, they can wait. X

Winemamma · 01/06/2017 20:35

We said no visitors for DC1 after a c-section 1 and MIL has never forgiven me I reckon (although she has never said so, just intimated numerous times) with c-section for DC2 they brought DC1 to meet DC2 so we couldn't very well say you can't come in! To be fair they were really good and only stayed a very short time, to the point where I was actually a bit miffed they didn't stay longer! Hormones, they make everything so exaggerated. Do what you think is best for you but if they do come, it may not be as bad as you think. Goodluck OP and congratulations Flowers