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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

265 replies

Collienova · 31/05/2017 00:50

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 31/05/2017 06:25

Gah I meant I don't want any visitors other than DH for the first 24 hours.
But most decent people really would understand that you need recovery time after surgery before having visitors.

Frankie89 · 31/05/2017 06:28

Not rubbish at all @BirdInTheRoom, you just have a different opinion which is understandable based on your personal experience.

Loopytiles · 31/05/2017 06:31

YANBU.

"you will be on so much good medication that nothing or no one will upset you. It will all be good and just focus on the precious new baby and your DD"

That's bollocks, and patronising. Plenty of women have a lot of pain and / or other tricky issues (eg vomiting, bleeding, catheter, exhaustion) after C section.

The in laws' feelings on this matter - and DH's opinions - are not a priority here. If you want your parents to visit you in hospital but not thr ILs, that's fine. 100% your choice.

buttfacedmiscreant · 31/05/2017 06:36

You are the patient, not your baby. You are the one recovering from major surgery. If you want your mum there or your DH but not other people that should be just fine.

It is ok for them (and DH) to feel upset, you are the one recovering and that should be the deciding factor.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/05/2017 06:38

Isn't there a middle ground here? They pop into the waiting room and DH takes baby out to meet them for 5 minutes? That way you get your privacy and they get to meet the baby. I do understand OP I very much like my own private space.

I think in terms of the baby MIL/FIL should meet him/ her at the same time. Visiting you personally OTOH is different.

buttfacedmiscreant · 31/05/2017 06:41

Ideally an hours old baby and his mother should be a dyad and not separated for grandparents who can't wait 48 hours. This is a time for mother/child bonding and is really important.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/05/2017 06:45

Mums go to the toilet and have showers. The suggestion is 5 minutes so hardly detrimental to bonding.

purplecoathanger · 31/05/2017 06:54

I think you are being a tad unreasonable. Surely they can come for say just half an hour. If you put a time limit on it then DH can usher them away saying you're very tired now and need to rest. Come on, half an hour with people who care and want to see their new grandchild

purplecoathanger · 31/05/2017 06:56

isn't much to ask. I think you'd have far more to complain about if they weren't interested at all.

coconutpie · 31/05/2017 07:00

You most certainly DO NOT need to have ILs there just because you have your own parents there! I do not understand the mindset of people who believe you should be obliged to treat them the same as your own parents. They are not your parents, they do not get the same privileges if you don't want them to. You will just have had major abdominal surgery so if you do not want to have them visit in hospital, tell them now. You are the patient, not them so it is you who decides who visits.

purplecoathanger · 31/05/2017 07:02

True they are not her parents but they are equal in terms of being grandparents. As the mother of three sons I get totally sick of people who go on about their DH's parents, as if they aren't even related to them.

megletthesecond · 31/05/2017 07:14

Yanbu. I put my foot down after my second cs. My family popped in to see me, very briefly, but I didn't have XP's family see me in hospital. Like rosa I was invaded after dc1, it affected my recovery and bf, and I was determined not to let it happen again.

Justanothernameonthepage · 31/05/2017 07:16

Purple. As the mother to a boy, I'd hope I could find enough empathy to realise that my needs come below that of my DIL when it comes to her recovering from major surgery. Unless you think her only use is that of a GC delivery system and so her needs and medical requirements should be overlooked so that her MIL can demand 'fairness'. If she was stopping them from ever seeing DGC then you'd have a point. As it is, she's asking for recovery time after going through surgery when she's likely to still be in pain. It's really important for her mental health and ability as a mother to have some control over this, which means it's more of a priority than PIL potential hurt feelings.

OnionKnight · 31/05/2017 07:18

They might not be her parents but they are her husband's parents, y'know the father of the baby Hmm

I think you are being a tiny bit U here OP, they will be looking after your daughter, they are grandparents just like your parents so why won't you treat them equally?

Original poster
Collienova · 31/05/2017 07:20

Thanks for all the comments, sorry only just catching up - not sleeping great st the moment...
To clarify, it's only my mum as my dad passed away years ago. However, she lives in a different country and is having major surgery around the same time so will not be seeing the baby for quite some time (apart from Skype). I'd definitely treat them the same if she was around...
I think what's making this tricky is that I always try to accommodate them as they are great grandparents and mean well. But I have learnt to be a little bit more 'selfish' over the last 5 years. Happy mum, happy baby and all that....

OP posts:
purplecoathanger · 31/05/2017 07:24

justanother I was suggesting just half an hour not PIL moving onto the ward with her.

RibenaMonsoon · 31/05/2017 07:26

I agree with justanothernameonapage

As a mother to a son and a woman who knows the hell of childbirth I would totally understand if DIL would want her parents for her own support.

It isn't about "fairness". It's about the woman recovering from major surgery. It's the final part of pregnancy.

My MIL was very respectful and I will be the same when DS has his own children.

If they are reasonable people as you say OP, there may be disappointment there but they should understand.

I'd get your DH on side and get him to tell them. It shouldn't come from you.

Notso · 31/05/2017 07:29

I always found it better to have visitors in hospital as you can just sit in bed while they coo over the baby. At home I felt obliged to tidy up and provide drinks and they always 'popped in' at inconvenient times.
With DC3 and DC4 I had to beg people to visit, I was in hospital for a week with both and desperate to show my beautiful squishy babies off!

I've never had a c-section but was happy when PIL visited after other surgery, they drive me crackers at times but I know they care about me.

olympicsrock · 31/05/2017 07:32

I have 2 c sections the first was an emergency after failed induction and my baby was in special care for 8 hours so I do understand.... my Mother and PIL visited later the same day. PIL stayed 30 mins. I was clean hairbrushed and you didn't really notice the catheter as it was on the side of the bed. They brought flowers smiled held the baby for photos and then left. It was a lovely part to the day. It need not be terrible

OnionKnight · 31/05/2017 07:34

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SleepymrsE · 31/05/2017 07:35

Tell MIL now so that she knows. I made it clear that assuming all went ok with the birth of DC2 no one apart from DH & DS would be visiting until we got home. With DS MIL & partner were sat in their car in the maternity building car park all day waiting for me to move to postnatal ward much to my horror. They moved me with 10 minutes left of visiting and as DH had gone down to see them I had to call him to come help with the bags. First people I saw were the in laws. I hadn't been able to shower as I'd had an epidural and forceps and still didn't have any feelings in my legs. I looked & felt a state and all I wanted was DH. Although the birth was much better with DD I was still throwing up on the postnatal ward so wouldn't have wanted visitors then either. MIL struggled to understand my logic of not wanting hospital visitors but respected my wishes. They even gave us a couple of days at home before coming to spend the day with us. Also, just to note, I also told my parents I didn't want them visiting at hospital either so it wasn't just an in law thing.

BeyondThePage · 31/05/2017 07:37

I always found it better to have visitors in hospital as you can just sit in bed while they coo over the baby

yep - this!

I found it great, I'd be snoozy in bed, they'd come and coo for visiting hours, then go home. I was under no illusion that they were there to see me.

For however long you feel you want alone time after that you hold the "well, since you've already seen the baby..." card, made those first few days after going home much easier.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/05/2017 07:37

Not wanting someone to visit you in hospital isn't selfish onion. You sound charming.

user1492679224 · 31/05/2017 07:39

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable!

You are entitled to have the situation play out as you want it to. You are not being at all selfish. A C section is major surgery, let alone having a new baby to care for and, very importantly, introducing the new baby to your son. I speak from bitter experience. I am not going to go into the details but it resulted in my son being jealous and resentful of his sister to this day!

You will never get this time again, it is precious so have it your own way. Flowers

minniebear · 31/05/2017 07:39

I did exactly the same thing OP. My parents came, my in laws didn't after my planned section. As it happened, I felt totally fine after the birth, but I still wanted space. It's nothing to do with being fair or unfair-you are undergoing surgery, your needs trump those of your in laws and husbands. My in laws were disappointed and desperate to meet DD2, but their desire to meet the baby wasn't prioritised in the first couple of days.

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