AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

[Collienova]

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

delilah245 yes my memory does stretch back 6 years, might seem a long time to you but at my age six years is recent. To be fair you don't know what my DIL did and it wasn't about seeing GC on day one, it annoys me but I don't think it is bitterness it is me having feelings just like any mother does about her child and if you do something to hurt one of my kids they might forget it in six years but I don't.

I've got five GC, 3 I've seen on day one (one I was returning older sibling and saw new baby for about 2 minutes) one was about 10 days old and another was 3 weeks. I don't have a big issue about seeing babies on day one myself but I understand why some do. I also understand why the paternal grandparents sometimes feel pushed out because sometimes they are. I have children of both sexes so not that big a deal to me but for people who only have sons it is probably more upsetting. Of course the other side of this is you will often see mothers complaining that their MIL favours their daughter's children over their son's. What goes around comes around.

OP I think you are right to be flexible, I had one emergency c.section with GA. I am quite fortunate in that I come round quickly after a GA so I was happy to see people later that day, baby born at 10 am so by evening visiting I was dying to show her off. I hope all goes well, I can say I have got 4 and they were all very different experiences so this might be the one where you will feel fantastic and ready to hold court. I hope so.

Nooka that sounds so sad, it can be really lonely in hospital if everyone else has visitors and you feel alone.

Just want to say to people who think no one would be rushing to see you after other surgeries, that isn't always the case. I have sat in the recovery with one of my kids as they were so distressed as they came out of the GA that the nurses asked me to go in and I was glad I was sitting at the hospital waiting even though they were an adult with a partner. I've sat waiting for another of my children to come out of recovery and when they were children I have gone into the room where the GA is given so have been with my children till the last minute. When my mother had surgery for cancer I was also sitting waiting to go in as soon as she came out of recovery. The surgery was unsuccessful so those minutes were precious to me.

I'm so glad I never had a c section - sounds really scary, but I think I would discuss with your in laws about staying away, they have lots of years to spend with their new grandchild, my son's grandma is Portuguese and hardly ever sees him, they are very lucky that they can see him whenever they want to, they will understand. Good luck xx

Mothers wishes come first - and this special time shouldnt be ruined by extended family making demands and then being all upset / annoyed when new mum just wants a bit of space to recover from birth and bond with baby. Childbirth is as much about the mum as the baby. Happy mum equals happy baby . People who dont respect this in my view are not very caring towards the birthing mum

@DovahJunFeyn I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. I'm sorry but your XMIL & XH sound pure evil. What utter ball bag of a husband would allow this?!? Idiots. I'd be devastated. I got so mad when I saw that holly willoughby held that lady's baby on tv before she got to. I'd be on the phone to the solicitor before leaving the hospital.

pillicent, I think you must have missed the bit about the OPs father being deceased and her mother being in hospital having serious surgery the day before the C.Section so it isn't anything to do with treating her PIL the same as her parents.

Well you can certainly tell which posters are going to be the interfering mils of the future. OP you are completely within your rights to please yourself and make the decision you think is best for you and your new baby. This might hit close to home for me but my mil caused major problems for me at the birth of my last child under very similar circumstances. I was having my 3rd c section and mil was coming up to visit as she was looking after my other 2 children....like you, I really didn't want her to be there as she is interfering and intimidating beyond belief but I felt I 'had' to let her because she was doing me a favour. Worst mistake of my life. She knew that I didn't want any other visitors but decided to bring my sil unannounced and caused a major argument with my dh when I got upset about her disregarding my feelings. I was in immense pain after surgery, was very emotional after suffering with prenatal depression throughout my entire pregnancy (i have had 3 misscarriages and i was petrified of losing my baby) and i was really struggling. The whole meeting between my children meeting their new sister was ruined because of her. She decided to tell my husband in the car park, in front of my children that I was a nasty wife and that dh didn't know what I was really like and I wasn't the woman he thought I was. The whole experience was so traumatising I suffered with PTSD after and had months of therapy to get over it.
I can't wait to become a mil myself and I know from the bottom of my heart I will always do my utmost to respect my dil wishes at all times.
If only I had just said no in the first place :(

Pork arooney I am so with you here. Memories can be ruined if people don't allow you to be firm.

My SIL was devistated at not being able to see her grandson in the hospital and for 2 days after, and when we were allowed to visit everyone went. So grand parents on both sides, along with aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters. It was like a circus. I think if you feel upto it you should maybe give them 30 mins in the hospital to see the baby first then say no visitors until your settled in at home. At least in hospital you don't feel the need to play host, clean up after everyone and offer Tea as I did post section. Good luck OP

@pop, thank you. I've moved on a little but the memories and experience never quite leave me fully.

NannyOgg and if the paternal grandmothers have given birth themselves, then they had the chance to make decisions about their own visitors.
Women who have babies in hospital are patients, with different medical and recovery needs. They are not soulless incubators,popping out grandchildren to order and then being obliged to manage a visiting schedule to stop grandparents sulking

Yep, and having had a difficult birth and a baby in special care I was still desperate for his grandparents to meet him.
Sulking is wrong obviously, The mother has the right to make any decision she likes. And the GPs can't help being hurt. They will just hopefully keep it to themselves.
But I personally (and that's the only judgement we can make, a personal one) don't see the problem.

They are not soulless incubators,popping out grandchildren to order and then being obliged to manage a visiting schedule to stop grandparents sulking

gods yes, so much this. I can understand the excitement but what is this obsession with seeing the baby as soon as its born irrespective of how the mother feels? I honestly don't remember it being such a thing when my 20-somethings were born - perhaps I was just lucky.

Its also entirely reasonable for a woman to want her DM sooner than anyone else (I have adult children of both sexes, its entirely reasonable for DiLs to feel need or readiness for DM before me).

Any DGP who cannot accept the mother's need to wait a bit are the selfish ones, not the mother.

Op do what works for you at the time. Maybe you will feel great and ready for visitors, maybe you won't and the DGPs really ought to accept that irrespective of any childcare they may be offering.

I would just say you will let them know when you are ready for visitors and see how you feel.

My first c section was under GA, the moment I came round the room was invaded by pil and my mum, all of whom ended up holding my baby, having their photos taken with him and telling me how pale and ill I looked. It still pisses me off now and was nearly 7 years ago.

I have had 2 more c since and had visitors soon after in hospital. Much better than having them at home ime.

So that was your choice NannyOgg . It isn't selfish or unreasonable for other new mums to make different choices about their visitors.

Reminds me of my MAIL who cheerfully told.me home birth was best and when she had my SiL she was up peeling vegetables for Sunday lunch within an hour of the birth.