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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

265 replies

Collienova · 31/05/2017 00:50

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

OP posts:
Original poster
Collienova · 01/06/2017 23:15

Wow, thanks to everyone who took the time to reply with their opinion. It's been helpful, but also quite surprising.

Just a few points to clarify:
My mum is having open heart surgery the day before my c-section, my dad passed away a long time ago. There is no issue which set of parents sees the baby first.

The GPs are having my daughter for one night, she will then be back at home with my husband after that. I doubt very much that there will be any discussions about why they haven't seen the baby yet as has been insinuated.

I'm normally a people pleaser and a few years ago this wouldn't have been a question for me, but I've leaned that while I'm happy to compromise a lot for the people I care about, there are now certain things I will stand firm on. I didn't get a chance to properly bond with my DD after my emergency csection (under general anaesthetic). I didn't get to hold her first, I was shuffled about in the middle of the night from pre-natal to post-natal, etc etc. This is my last baby and I'm going to be focused on the baby, my DD and my DH.

That being said, one of the main points I've taken away from this is to leave my options open. I might have a dream c-section and feel great and may reconsider visitors.

Thank you for all the well wishes. Let's hope the drugs are good! Smile

OP posts:
silvya · 01/06/2017 23:18

Is it really worth upsetting your in laws who you claim are of great help to you and making them feel excluded @ a time where it is likely that you will need their help and love even more, sure they will not stay long if they see that you need to rest. Words can not be retracted once they are spoken. Imo organise painkillers and do your best to include them and hope you have a so easy recovery 💐

DovahJunFeyn · 01/06/2017 23:18

My god I'd really hard to understand that some mothers just don't want others there after they've given birth? If a mother truly doesn't want someone there they don't care how much you wanted to show off your little muffin or who gets to see the baby first because they simply have to be there. Birth isn't a spectator sport for starts and the mother is the one giving birth (section or no) so why should she have to put up with visitors that she doesn't want or need because they feel excited and entitled. Fuck that. If you want to go down the family route then family should understand boundaries and that a mother wants to recovery.

My XMIL invited herself to my birth which started at 4am and endedwith forceps and eventually emergency c section because DS was stuck, distressed and had issues breathing . Afterwards I was alternating between puking and crying and X'D'H let her hold my little boy before I even got the chance to. She was fucking overjoyed and proceeded to post it all over social media. So yes unless you're actually having the baby you have no right to be there or cause a fuss when you're not.

Fishface77 · 01/06/2017 23:20

Well said op!
I have to be honest I thought you were one of those posters who was coming on for "validation" of your feelings.
I think leaving your options open is a good idea and it allows you leeway in advance to say to the in laws don't be offended if we don't see you straightaway, we will call you when I feel up to it.
Then they can't say they weren't warned but you leave it open so if you do want to see them you can.
I would also make it clear to the midwives that only DH and medical staff Are to hold baby until you feel up to it.

user1471545032 · 01/06/2017 23:23

Dovah - if everything goes well, then yes, I find it hard to understand why you wouldn't want family there. If you've had an awful time of it then of course that's different.

DovahJunFeyn · 01/06/2017 23:26

User - Why should time make a difference? Would the mother being anxious or horomonal count as a bad time? You don't invade someone's recovery room and demand access after any operation or medical procedure other than birth. Because regardless what the patient has went through good or bad they're still expected to accomadate family. Balls to that.

Original poster
Collienova · 01/06/2017 23:29

Well, I genuinely didn't come here for validation of my feelings, but I'm glad I did. I'm coming away from this with the firm belief that it is my decision and mine only about how this is going to play out. No relatives are going to be emotionally scarred by having to wait, but I might be if they don't (reading some of the personal experiences shared here).
I'd like to keep everyone happy, but my own dignity/emotional wellbeing will have to come first so I can be there for the baby and my DD.

OP posts:
DovahJunFeyn · 01/06/2017 23:31

Collie, honestly you're the one giving birth. No one else. If you don't want visitors simply because you don't want them then that's a good enough reason. You shouldn't feel pressured to make others happy because other users here were doing cart wheels after their emergency ops. 🙄 Birth is about the safety of your baby and your health. That's it.

user1471545032 · 01/06/2017 23:39

I was simply pointing out that it's possible to surprise yourself by wanting visitors! It happened to me. I was trying to redress the balance slightly, as one tends to hear more negative stories than positive ones. I wasn't talking about anyone invading the delivery suite/situations where you don't get on with family. I wasn't talking about "accommodating family". I specifically said I wanted to see family. I didn't say they expected it. I'm sorry your MIL acted so badly. I'd have been furious too, but that doesn't mean if you feel well and up to it it's somehow wrong to want family to visit. I don't understand that principle.

38cody · 01/06/2017 23:43

Mine turned up after my c Sections AND stayed for hours as they had travelled quite far to get there. I hated it, I couldn't move properly, felt exposed and tearful and just wanted to be alone with baby. MIL kept saying - "get some sleep" which I would hVe loved to do if she would just GO AWAY! I hated it so much. Yes my own mother. And and yes that was ok and I know it's both their grandchild but at the end of the day I'd had major surgery and I wanted my mum and I didn't want his mum - our baby, MY battered and bruised body.
I told DH to tell her to come with no.2 but she came, and stayed, anyway!
With No's 3&4 I told her myself that I didn't want visitors and would be telling nurses to refuse admission. She met baby at home at 4 days old and it was much better. YANNNBU

MeandT · 01/06/2017 23:46

I can never quite understand the obsession with jumping down mothers necks to visit straight after birth. Nobody would be leaping up and down that they must visit you in the first 48 hours after having a hip replacement! Yes, sure there is a baby. It will still be a baby next week. As you've said, make sure do what's right for you Smile

If you're feeling positive but not necessarily up for visitors, there's always the option that they could wait in visitor room, DH could wait for a moment when baby is happy, fed, you're comfortable with it etc and he could whisk the cot down there for 5 mins of meet & greet (possibly while you have shower in peace?). Appreciate that would not sit well with many new mums either, but it's a possibility as a half way house...

38cody · 01/06/2017 23:47

Oops - tell her NOT to come...

DovahJunFeyn · 01/06/2017 23:48

User - I don't mean mothers wanting others there if they're well and able are wrong. I mean if the mother feels well and still doesn't want visitors then they shouldn't be expected to have them. I do apologise for seeming over zealous but my first birth memories were completely ruined by one woman. Still kills me to this day.

user1471545032 · 01/06/2017 23:53

Dovah, I really am sorry to hear that, awful behaviour. I'm sorry if I was insensitive because I didn't have to put up with any sort of crap like that.

Coastalcommand · 02/06/2017 00:00

YABU. This is their grandchild. Spread the joy.

Osirus · 02/06/2017 00:10

You've made the right choice OP. As you know, when you become a parent you can't put yourself first anymore, but child birth (by whichever method) is the one time where you must. Good luck!

DovahJunFeyn · 02/06/2017 00:21

Thank you, user. I'm over sensitive about it most times. But honestly thank you. Flowers

BlackeyedSusan · 02/06/2017 02:08

the person who has had a major op will want their parent/s there for them, probably. anyone else having an operation would not be expected to see other family, just immediate family. just becaue there has been a baby produced does not make the person having the operation magically more amenable to visitors.

of course your pils want to see baby.

if they were capable of tiptoeing in, seeing baby for a couple of minutes without disturbing you, fine,

yes they will be disappointed, I would be, but it is you having the op and you need to recover.

one thing about visiting at the hospital though, is being able to get rid of them quicker if need be as visiting hours are short. I was the other way to you, pils at hospital, as it was less stressful that way for me.

nooka · 02/06/2017 02:49

I think the OP has made the right decision to wait and see how she feels. A planned c-section is very different to an emergency and she may feel quite differently this time. Hopefully she won't be in hospital very long anyway and then can have visitors at home where she is more comfortable.

Personally I would have loved more visitors after dd was born. With ds I was on a friendly ward and dh was there for as long as he could be so it was a relatively nice time (apart from not being able to sleep because it was much too bright and noisy for me). When dd was born I had a stressful/frightening time attempting a VBAC before c-section. She was born just before midnight and so dh was chucked out almost immediately. Next day he didn't come for a while as he was shattered and he had to pick up ds from my parents. We had to stay a couple of days and he couldn't visit much because ds couldn't really spend more than half an hour or so. Everyone else on the ward had visitors and I felt very lonely.

Oh and my mum had loads of visitors after her (four) hip replacements.

diddl · 02/06/2017 07:04

It is a good decision-the only one imo.

The thought of being in a hospital bed feeling sore/vulnerable & having ILs fussing around and making small talk just terrified me-almost as much as the thought of the birth!

It applied to my parents to an extent as well tbh.

I just had visions of me feeling awful & being "trapped" in bed.

FuckyDuck · 02/06/2017 07:34

OP do whatever makes YOU comfortable- you've given birth. Fuck what anyone else wants.

Lovelymess · 02/06/2017 08:00

Not unreasonable at all. I had an emergency csec, in laws took care of older son then my partner went and picked him up to come and meet his new sister. We said we'd ring them when we were home so we could get settled. Neither my partner or in laws saw it as an issue at all

Iggi999 · 02/06/2017 08:20

I would personally rather have relatives around me to get me stuff I needed and pass the baby to me (and hold him while I slept) than spend hours being ignored by the nurses and feeling lonely and exhausted.

wibblywobblyfish · 02/06/2017 09:19

With my first emergency c section I was in hospital for 5 days and actually wanting some company after the first 12 hours. I felt quite lonely at times but this is before the days of tablets, laptops and there were no TVs on the ward.

Second emergency c section (3rd child) I was discharged after 24hours, felt absolutely fine and the only visitors I had in hospital were DH, kids and my mum very briefly...less than 10mins. We drive to the PILS house on the way home to drop in and see them. MIL was intent on finishing the washing up before she looked at her new grandson and FIL tried to lift him out the car seat without undoing the straps.

I would just see how you feel, with my DD (middle child) I know my in laws were sat in the hospital car park waiting for her to be born, thinking they could get in there straightway. Made me me feel very vulnerable and anxious.

Inertia · 02/06/2017 09:54

NannyOgg and if the paternal grandmothers have given birth themselves, then they had the chance to make decisions about their own visitors.

Women who have babies in hospital are patients, with different medical and recovery needs. They are not soulless incubators,popping out grandchildren to order and then being obliged to manage a visiting schedule to stop grandparents sulking.