AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

[Collienova]

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

Not suggesting that - obviously I was happy for DH to hold DS in the room next to me while I showered in the en-suite, but DH physically taking the baby away from me would have really upset me. It's a primal instinct - I presume there are other women who felt the same and I'm not the only oddball! But I was out of hospital same day as DS was born so no need for visitors (thankfully).

In my opinion it should be the mothers decision entirely- you've just given birth, it's up to you who visits, when they visit, and for how long.

Op you would not be selfish to outline what you want after having a baby cut out of your womb. You wouldn't be selfish to outline what you want if you were pushing them out.

GP will understand and if they feel a bit hurt tough. Though fairness isn't an issue for you even if it was wanting your mum over DH's mum and dad is normal. Yes they are important in the child's life but not as important as you being happy and healthy and establishing breastfeeding ( if you plan to)

My PIL didn't see DC1 until she was a week old. One due to distance but also because I wanted time to sort out the whole breastfeeding thing. My parents saw her the day she was born in the hospital because I wanted my mum with me. Guess what MIL didn't mind one bit because, as a mother herself, she knew that me being happy healthy and comfortable was important for baby. And DH understood to because he realised that at that point in our daughters life me, her food source and comfort, being comfortable and confident was most important. How people can see putting yourself first at such a time as selfish is mind boggling,

Ex and Special, thanks.

I really regret that I didn't stand up for myself at the time. I was so caught off guard that I sat there making polite chit chat with the PILs (after SIL'S had run off), because I actually thought that it might be me being U to have not wanted BIL/SIL there. So I felt awkward.

I wish I could have processed the situation quicker and told them how unfair they had been putting me in that position, especially when DP had EXPRESSLY said just MIL & FIL. But, you know, pain/hormones/drugs/sleep deprivation/brain fuckery at the time...

Why is it that new mothers should be expected to 'compromise' on not having visitors to see the baby immediately after giving birth after they have just been through a 12/24/36 hour labour, have probably not had the oppurtunity to shower / bond time with the baby / attempt breadtfeeding etc. Surely grown ups can manage their excitement enough to hold off for 24 hours if this is what the mother wishes and i say mothers wishes as it is her that has just given birth not the husband!! Hopefully op you wont be made to feel guilty / difficult for making a perfectly reasonable request that you feel is best for you and your immediate family unit x

Beyondthepage

From the NHS website
A caesarean is a major operation that carries a number of risks, so it's usually only done if it's the safest option for you and your baby.

It is a major operation. I'm really glad to hear yours went well but it is major surgery and posters are correct to call it that.

OP, if it were me, I'd flag to your ILs (with your DH) that you don't know how you're going to feel, nor how long you're going to be in hospital, so will let them know.

With my first (emergency section), I was in a right state when some uninvited visitors rocked up same day, and it was hideous. I was in hospital for 4 days. With my second (planned), it was a dream - I wouldn't have minded who showed up. Ended up seeing most visitors at home as I was out within a couple of days. In both cases, recovery was superb.

You're not going to know til it happens, so just warn them for now and try to take it as it comes.

There is just no way I could have had visitors within 24 hours of my last c-section. I lost 1300ml of blood, was completely out of it and on diamorphine. Once that and the spinal wore off, I was in agony even when I moved and getting up to get the catheter out, have a shower etc nearly made me pass out from the pain. There was a resulting trail of blood from the bed to the bathroom. My DD refused to latch on so I spent most of the next 3 days with my boobs hanging out doing skin to skin while a number of staff trooped in and out, manhandling said boobs.

As Floozie quite rightly says, GROWN UPS can be reasonably expected to contain their excitement for one day for the sake of the mother's comfort and dignity.

Any other surgery, people would absolutely leave you to it, there is no reason this should be any different.

BeyondthePage slicing your stomach open isn't major surgery? I'd hate to see what you think does count.

I don't get the "major surgery" thing either. It's an operation yes, but hardly "major".

What a spectacularly thick comment.

I had an emergency c-section, but even before I went in I'd told everyone no visitors in hospital. I'm a very private person and didn't want anyone seeing me after I'd given birth, knowing I would probably be feeling vulnerable. This seemed to be accepted.

I was in 5 days after my c-section and by day 2 decided I wanted to see my mum, so she was invited. We thought we were going home the next day but couldn't due to complications. I was extremely upset.

My MIL then texted me to say she was in the car park with a change of clothes for DP (despite the fact he'd just been home) so I sent him down to see her. I knew she was trying to get in to see us. I was too upset to see her (hormones!!) but I happily sent DP out into the corridor so she could see the baby. I just didn't want to see anyone. Still annoyed she turned up like that.

Oh, and a C-section is major surgery!

Beyond ...what do you deem 'major surgery'? Granted an elective is different to emergency, but seriously???

There's a lot of good point on this thread. I'm gob smacked people think it's selfish or unreasonable to want that time to recover from surgery and hold your baby before the circus starts.

That time in hospital with just the OP and her baby is even more precious considering when she gets home she'll have her DD to deal with too.

My 1st was rushed to NICU at birth and I didn't get to hold him. My 2nd was ELCS and she was given to be immediately, I can't even begin to describe how relieved and at peace I was that I actually had my baby safely in my arms. If anyone had suggested taking her away for even 5 minutes I would've been so bloody cross and upset.

I hate people passing babies around with that "my turn" mentality.

Visiting times in the hospitals I've been in are short so you've plenty of time to bond and meet your new baby Honestly allowing even 20 mins for a grandparent visit is not a lot of effort and will mean the world to them. (Yes I've been there and done it.)

Kerberos it varies massively from hospital to hospital. 5 hours per day in the one I gave birth in, and that wasn't enforced at all so realistically people were in from 8am to 9pm.

It's not about what means the world to the grandparents, it's about what is right for the baby and the mother. They have the rest of the baby's life to get to know it, the OP needs to have these few days to recover.

These threads make me glad for the Swedish hospital I gave birth in where they made the decision for you and new mums were not subjected to this type of (not so) subtle blackmail.

Only DH/DPs and other DCs were allowed on the ward and even they were banned for a 3 hour afternoon period. No other visitors were allowed. Hospital time was for mothers and babies to rest and recover - the message was clear that visitors could wait a few days until you got home. If you were very desperate to have visitors you could leave the ward and meet them in the hospital cafe or reception about 500m away - if you were well enough.

I was grateful that the ward was a place for rest and recuperation and not being subjected to visitors (mine or other peoples) after a very traumatic birth and emergency post delivery surgery that left me with 50+ stitches, catheter for 48 hours and a 6 pint blood loss with transfusions for 3 days.

That sounds so civilised, Lunde!

OP it sounds like you've already made your decision and I'm sure you've had even arguments for and against.

My tuppence-worth is that you're being unreasonable. I'd welcome them for a short visit (which could be managed by your DH) I had an emcs on our first child and found the whole experience really traumatic. I was overwhelmed with the visitors (stayed in hospital for 1 week) so I know what it feels like. However, on our second child I had a much better experience and was delighted to see the (few) people who visited and to share in the joy.

I suppose my point is that you don't know how you're going to feel. Could you just leave it open for now, and if you decide that you really don't want them to visit when the baby is born then your DH can tell them that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and no visitors until you get home?
I feel grandparents are hugely important and the bond is special -
if they're 'good' gps then I'm sure they're absolutely dying to meet the baby so I would try to accommodate that if possible. That's just my personal opinion/experience though. Best of luck with the new baby!

The only way I think you would be being unreasonable would be if you're expecting them to bring DD to the hospital but then not see you and they baby themselves.

If that isn't the case then YADNBU and absolutely must do what is right for you

As a new grandparent last week I was very excited about seeing the new baby. However I recognised that mum needed to recover and they needed that bit of time to themselves. I think if you explain gently that you'll have just had surgery and would prefer them to see you and the baby just as soon as you're home, they should be fine with that. But I do think you should say this to both sets of parents. I'd be very hurt if I thought the other granny was allowed in and I wasn't, and that could set up "competitive granny syndrome" in the future!! Good luck with everything.

I'm due c-section in September, my husband, of course, will be there the whole time. I have said my parents can visit for a short time the day I have baby. But no one else. I want time alone just for DH and I to get to know our little one. So only be in 2 or 3 days. Everyone else can visit once we are home.
YADNBU.
But i'd talk to them about it now so it's fixed in their heads. But make sure to stand firm and let them know this is not up for duscussion. Your recovery matters, your bonding with baby matters. They can wait a couple of days, it's no time at all in the grand scheme of things.
Good luck with c-section!

onion how on earth is op being selfish?! Op do whatever you feel you need to, and talk to the ILs yourself as getting DH to do it could cause problems. But if you don't want them there get your DH to go and pick up your DD for a small visit to meet her sibling this way all problems averted

You are not being selfish.

I had an emergency cs with my 2nd and some complications that kept me in hospital for a week. My mil was there everyday with one random person or other to see my baby. I was too young/naive/daft to say anything at the time but I felt it really ruined those first few days with my new baby. Ten years later when my husband and I had another baby (elective cs) I was much more vocal about no visitors apart from dh and dcs at the hospital and I felt so much better for it. With our last baby (elective cs) I went further and enforced a 1 week ban on visitors at home too.
I don't give in to all this 'treat them as your parents' and 'its their grandchild and are entitled to visit straight away' nonsense!!
You are having major surgery, and it's you, dh and DD who need to bond with the baby in the first few days. Everyone else can wait until you feel ready.

This whole thing of being at the hospital is out of hand in my opinion. My mother turned up at the hospital when did was being born. It was understaffed, the cord was around the baby's when born and my husband had to leave me on my own to deal with my mother as suddenly every thing became about her. Then when I could have done with help at home she went back to her home and back to work! I'd tell them to stay home and be there when you are ready and really need help. Hospital is for.babies and parents only. The idea of videoing the event and popping champagne fills me with horror and doesn't take into account the expert help you need if things go wrong.