AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

[Collienova]

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

whatchamacallit not slamming you, but I just wonder if you can pinpoint why it is important that they meet their new grandchild immediately? I mean that genuinely.

Given that the new grandchild is absolutely and completely unaware of their existence, or who they are/why they're there when they do turn up, why does it matter? The baby does not care at all when it meets its grandparents. The baby just wants to be near to its parents and to be able to eat/sleep/be warm and comfortable. The baby will not have changed this opinion in the first week of its life. It will look pretty much the same and be doing exactly the same things.

I just don't get why people feel the need to lay eyes on the baby right away or feel that that need could possibly trump the mother's desire for a bit of peace and space to recover without any visitors saving immediate family.

Some people on here are being really cuntish.

It doesn't matter if your MIL doesn't understand. Do what you want. Yes, I'd make it clear now what the arrangement will be –well, I'd get my DP to do so.

It's major surgery, on top of 'normal' things like recovering from birth and bonding with the baby. Of course you get to say you want some time to yourself initially if that's what you want.

With the greatest respect to fathers, the baby is just as disinterested in meeting their dad as their grandparents. (In those first days of life)

This competitive "first" thing some folks do is utterly batshit. Babies couldn't care less; the only ones who care are immature folk who equate seeing something first with 'owning' it more (which, frankly, is an attitude adopted by our idiot spaniel). MIL was obsessed with seeing, holding and babysitting 'first'. Do our DC's love her more for it? Do they bollocks, they love their lunatic Grandparents all the same. Though they've an extra soft spot for my Dad because he lets them watch James Bond films and takes them on plane trips (they may well be easily bought).

There's nothing selfish at all about holding people off for a day or two til you're feeling right. Nothing selfish in wanting some peace after a huge surgery. Be upfront and explain why you'd like some peace, that you're enormously grateful for their help with DD and that once you're ready you can't wait for them to get to know their new Grandchild. It doesn't have to be awkward.

Yanbu and it shouldn't even be somethin you have to worry about.

Tell DH what you want to happen and that you need him to worry about making it happen and what to tell people etc, and get an explicit promise that under no circumstances will anyone turn up other than the visitors you say you will see.

YANBU. It's really major surgery, and I felt awful after my CS for DC2. I'm quite a private person and hate people seeing me in a state at the best of times, and the idea of anyone turning up and seeing me in nightdress, with catheter, drip, sweaty unwashed hair and unable to sit up or go to the loo without help would have been mortifying. I didn't even want 1 year old DS to come in in case he was traumatised! I only stayed in 2 nights so we were home in no time, and my MiL was staying with us as she'd been looking after DS while I was in hospital, so she got to see DC2 very soon anyway (and sooner than my Mum). She was absolutely not fussed about not coming in to hospital (she knows I'm a private person) and she got 24 hours at home with us all before going home, and spent time with the new baby before anyone else did. Maybe see what state you're in, but if you're not up to it say no!

YANBU but it would be kind to manage their expectations and express great gratitude for the help and support they are giving you.

Dh should have a chat to establish the boundaries and say you've decided that you won't have visitors in hospital as you felt so unwell last time. He will let them know as soon as you are up to a quick visit at home. They may still like to be involved by helping in other ways which might be very helpful.

I get the overbearing mil with a heart of gold, you do need some boundaries but it can be done with a light touch. Keep visits shortish and if you need to go for a shower so much the better if you feel a bit vulnerable.

Enjoy your baby and be glad to have doting inlaws even if it can seem a bit full on. Your dh needs to be the gatekeeper but you can also speak up for yourself and say how much you value them but can only cope with x at the moment.

I had no-one visit me after my section and it was perfect, I was in no fit state to see anyone (half naked, tubes everywhere, bleeding, pain, hair like a birds nest etc) People really don't need to meet a baby as soon as its born. I felt like I was left in peace to recover and then got home after a few days, settled down and then had the visitors.
Most of the other women on the ward had tons of visitors, one woman had 7 at the same time at one point. I could hear them moaning afterwards about not being left alone.

Expresidents - I didn't actually post up that they should be allowed to visit immediately. I'm not sure what the usual recovery time for a C-section is in the NHS, but in Ireland, you're usually in hospital between 3-5 days after one. I don't think they need to visit the newest addition to the family immediately (i.e. within the first 24hrs) but to deny them access at all while in hospital just seems harsh.
For example, if the OP has her baby at 11am by C-section, it is very possible that she would not have a catheter in by 11am the next day, nor would she be hooked up to a drip (which seem to be the things posted about by other MNetters on this thread). If her hospital is anything like the one I had my first child in (by emergency section), I was up and about as soon as physically possible with the help of the nurses and having a shower afterwards.
I'm not saying that the OP has to welcome her inlaws as soon as she is back from the recovery room but I do think restricting access at all until they are at home seems very harsh to them, considering they are deemed suitable babysitters for the OP's 5 yr old DD.

If you don't want to see them in the hospital, tell them that now.

Before DS was born, I told both sets of parents they could see him once we got home not in hospital. They were a bit disgruntled especially as FiL had form for turning up as soon as baby was out. As it turned out, his arrival didn't quite go to plan and I changed my mind between his birth and getting to recovery but that was my choice, supported by DH.

Once I realized we weren't just going to get home, I was relieved when the PiL showed up as they bought a fan (ward was so hot I thought I was melting), chocolate and appropriately sized baby clothes (0-3 months drowned him).

My Dad can't cope with surgery so my parents didn't turn up until day 3 (and they didn't bring chocolate...)

"deemed suitable babysitters for the OP's 5 yr old DD."

I don't really see what their suitability for babysitting has to do with the OP needing time to recover from a major operation TBH.

Hospitals are not petting zoos.

I had a natural delivery with dd2, but told both sets of parents I didn't want them at the hospital. I wanted dh to pick up dd1 from my mums and bring her to meet her sister and spend time just us 4. My parents were fine with it. MIL kept saying that she 'needed to see the baby on the day she was born'. I stuck to my guns and dh backed me. In all honestly, if dd2 had been born in the early hours I would have let them visit in the evening, but she wasn't. She was born at 4.30pm so we sent a message saying that she'd arrived safely, dd1 was on her way to visit and once she'd been introduced we send all of the details out. We also said no visitors because we wanted time alone and I was knackered. They didn't like it, but they didn't kick off. We invited them over the next day once I'd come home and settled in. We then told them we wanted a few days by ourselves so not to call in without checking first. With dd1, both sets of grandparents came every day, I was cajoled into going to a birthday party 24 hours after dd1 was born, everyone kept taking the baby from me. It was hideous. Insisting on space with dd2 was the right thing to do.

SaucyJack - you are very right. Hospitals are not petting zoos.

The OP may change her mind when the day comes. All she is getting here are the collective opinions of women who are not her, and will not be in her position on the day, on the following days and then on. What I have posted is my opinion based entirely on the OP's first post, and I stand by my opinion. The OP can disregard it entirely if she wants or do with the information what she wants.

OP - I want to wish you well with your delivery and your newest addition to your family. Long life and good health to you.

If it were any other surgery nobody would be insisting they had a right to visit, I don't get why a CS is different just because a baby is involved. I've not had one but had surgery to remove an ovary last year and I really would not have wanted my in laws dropping in to the hospital, lovely as they are. A CS with all the attendant emotion, blood, and having a new baby to look after? They could wait.

Yes, it's tough on the grandparents but mother & baby are the important ones, and if the mother wants to be left alone, she needs to be left alone.

They will love the new baby just as much if they see him 48 hours after or 6 hours after.

OP will have had major surgery, if the best thing she needs to recover is to have some time and space then it is completely reasonable that she get it.

Childcare is not a voucher for a head of the line pass.

Hierachy of needs
baby
mother

daughter

dad

everyone else.

I couldn't have given a £$%& who came and saw me after my emergency C section with DD1. I was sore, exhausted and high as a kite - everyone came the first day - DH, his parents, my parents and step parents, DH brother and wife and I remember diddly squat other than being pleased as hell DD and I were alive and thriving.

I had 12 students there too just before the birth since DD was a single foot down breech - all having a good go at what it felt like up there! And they returned to see what happened with DD's hips after the birth too.

I don't get the "major surgery" thing either. It's an operation yes, but hardly "major". They are taking out a baby - in minutes, not a tumour requiring hours. (... YES sometimes things go wrong, but not USUALLY)

Having "seen" everyone in hospital we had a few days of just us - getting used to life - at home which was fab.

ExPresidents said it PERFECTLY OP.

When I had my elective csec in Jan a brilliant midwife said "Babies do not need visitors. They need their parents and any necessary medical staff, but they do not under any circumstances need visitors. If the mother would like visitors, wonderful, she can have visitors. If they're lucky they may see the baby while they are visiting the mother!"

Too many people on here are saying "they are good enough to babysit for you but you won't let them visit?! Selfish!" No, that attitude is selfish. If they are kind hearted people they should be happy to do a favour without "repayment".

OP we ended up saying "I don't know how I'm going to recover and feel in the hours and days afterwards. We'll call once baby is born and send you the first photos, but we don't want anyone visiting until I know how I'm feeling. We'll call you when we are ready for a visit - we promise you'll be the first ones, I just can't predict when that will be".

Also, someone mentioned the third-day-blues. Mine hit on day 5 (coincided with my milk coming in). I was not suitable to be seen by anyone except DH for sure. I would have ripped one of my in-laws faces off in 5 seconds of hormone rage.

Take each day as it comes, don't attempt to predict your recovery and have DH be a firm gatekeeper for you.

""Babies do not need visitors. They need their parents and any necessary medical staff, but they do not under any circumstances need visitors. If the mother would like visitors, wonderful, she can have visitors. If they're lucky they may see the baby while they are visiting the mother!""

That is brilliant Ginger!

Spot on, Ginger. I agree too that the OP is not being selfish in setting boundaries.

Like diddl though I am of the "wait and see how you feel" school of thought. I was in hospital for a week after a traumatic labour culminating in an emergency c-section plus a very small baby. For the first 24 hours I had so many painkillers I felt bloody marvellous (albeit not being able to move) and actually found it easier to tolerate visitors while I was in bed - partly because days in hospital are very long, and partly because in hospital, visiting hours are usually v strict and numbers are limited.

Once I was home, the exhaustion and hormones kicked in hugely and I found visitors much more tiring and stressful.

So you MIGHT find that getting your MIL's first visit over and done with in hospital, under controlled circs, more manageable than her descending on you at home when the temptation to outstay her welcome is too much.

Worth considering, anyway. ☺️

Surely they don't want to visit you, so much as they are excited to see the newborn baby. Could your husband bring the baby out to see them for 15 minutes in the day room? You don't need to see them at all.

I think approaching this in an adversarial way could damage what sounds like a good relationship. They are not wanting to gawk at you, they are well-wishers who will likely have been worried and hopeful for your health and that of your baby, both members of their family. Giving them a quick glimpse of the newborn while you rest or shower eat or or have a tiny breather seems like it could please everyone without causing you distress.

In my experience, it is natural and normal for family members to feel excited to see a new baby. I don't see it as some here that people are being competitive and wanting to be 'first'. It would be a fairly cold unloving atmosphere if nobody was bothered whether they saw your new baby or not. I can understand your own emotions and needs (but be aware these won't necessarily be the same second time round, and that's ok too). A compromise solution would seem to keep everyone happy.

whatchamacallit what is harsh about it? How is it unkind to keep visitors away for 24/48/72 hours? I don't mean any offence to you at all, I just honestly don't understand. What's the actual difference to grandparents if they see it on day 1/5/10 given that the baby will be almost exactly the same at any of those stages but the mother may be feeling immeasurably better later on?

Again, the baby doesn't give a shit what visitors it has, it just wants to be with its mother. Given that, unfortunately for others if they want to see the baby they have to wait until the mother feels ready to see people. The baby is completely dependent on its mother and not able to take social calls on its own. The baby is not an object to come and be looked at and displayed. It wants to be cuddled up to its mum and fed and warm and clean. It doesn't care about meeting its grandparents.

So the visit is not in the baby's interest. It's not in the mother's interest. If anyone is being selfish or 'harsh', it's not either of them.

I got ambushed in hospital a few hours after a really traumatic birth by my in-laws. I didn't really want to see anyone; didn't mind my mum, but choice being mine I'd have had nobody that first day. But I wanted to be "fair" to both sets of grandparents.

My DP explained that I was not good, so grandparents only please and not to stay too long, and everyone else to wait until the following day when we (thought we) would be home. He sent two messages to his parents, and a message to his siblings, making it really, really clear.

In-laws decided to ignore him and bring the family, and then send (adult) SIL and BIL in first to jump out from behind the curtain as a surprise. While I was sitting there in agony, trying to learn how to breastfeed, in a puddle of blood, deathly grey, and waiting for a blood transfusion.

Then to add insult to injury, when DP asked why they were here when he told them to wait until tomorrow, SIL ran off crying and it became all about how she was so upset.

I'm still angry about it, six months on.

AyeAmarok fucking hell, that is awful. Not at all surprised you're upset still, it took me ages to feel better about PILs ambush and that was nowhere near as bad. It's that horrible feeling that you're vulnerable and asking people to respect that and they don't. And you don't (at that point) have the strength to fight about it.

So sorry your ILs are pricks

I'm angry about that on your behalf AyeAmarok.

Everyone saying to just let DH take the baby out to meet the GPs - I can't have been the only mum of a newborn that didn't want the baby out of my sight? That would have made me very distressed after a long and painful labour.

My baby being held lovingly by its father while I showered, slept or received medical attention wasn't a trauma to me. Recovery from any birth is difficult, from a section there are particular challenges. I don't think the mother being wide awake and staring at her baby when it is 36 or 48 hours old is helpful to anyone. Surely you need to sleep, use the bathroom etc. it is not healthy to suggest a mother must be awake and engaged with her baby for an indefinite period of time in the first weeks.