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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

265 replies

Collienova · 31/05/2017 00:50

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

OP posts:
Original poster
Collienova · 31/05/2017 10:16

Thank you ExPresidents - that means a lot.

OP posts:
Kennethwasmyfriend · 31/05/2017 10:26

If they are people who will overstep and intrude, they will do it just as badly in your own home (probably worse) than in the hospital. If they are decent kind people who know how to make a short visit then they will do that in the hospital OR at home.

diddl · 31/05/2017 10:48

I always think that this is a wait & see situation.

You never know how you are going to feel.

DixieNormas · 31/05/2017 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExPresidents · 31/05/2017 10:54

No problem Collienova I totally understand how you feel.

You just need to think of what takes priority

Mother’s thoughts

I want time and space to recover from a major operation
I don’t want to have to put a ’social’ face on when I’m feeling crap and vulnerable
I need to look after my physical and mental health by putting my needs first
It’s important to me to have family time with just DH, DD and baby to adjust to our new family unit
I want DD to meet her brother/sister for the first time with just us around

Baby’s thoughts
Food
Parents
Food
Sleep

PILs thoughts
We’d really like to see the baby as soon as possible

You match them up as best you can but put the most important things to the top.

SaucyJack · 31/05/2017 10:59

YANBU not to have visitors if you don't want them.

You are the one who will be recovering from birth, so actually- yes, it is genuinely about you, and what you want for once in your life.

If your DH and ILs are decent people, then they will be able to cope. If not- fuck 'em.

hopsalong · 31/05/2017 11:03

They might not be able to come in easily -- check with the hospital. When I had a c-section three weeks ago, my mum brought DC1 to the hospital to see his little brother but only children + partner were allowed for most of the day, so she had to stay downstairs, and later swapped with my husband (but this had to be a 'permanent' swap) so she stayed the night while he went home. There were also visiting hours but quite late in the day (4-6) I think.

DinnerIsServed · 31/05/2017 11:25

Talk to them first (or your MIL anyway) - stress the major surgery & promise them first visit when you're home. That way they'll (hopefully) still feel prioritised but give you time to recover. I wouldn't want visitors when I'd had major surgery (or to be fair at any time!!).

waitforitfdear · 31/05/2017 11:32

Hi op,

When my darling dil had a section it was her first. I cleaned the house as her waters had broke on the carpet and filled the fridge and freezer.

We waited to be asked to see her and the baby and for the record of course she wanted her mum there first because she's her mum!!

We are all very close and I
Love her and my ds to bits but when I have my hysterectomy later this year I just want my dh to visit snd maybe my dds.

The rest can wait a bit.

katsnmouse · 31/05/2017 11:35

YANBU to not want them there- after my first emcs mil was a total pita:took dd1 out for hour long stroll around ward and day room to show her off....paid zero attention to me and the fact I was traumatised and had photos of her and dd1 taken, never offered once to take one of me/dp and baby. She also pissed other mums off by reading the news paper aloud and commenting, went into someone else's suitcase by accident...basically an all round stress I could do without. Second time round I felt strong enough to say no- told them I only wanted dp and my mum. They met dd2 when I invited them round after we got home. Your baby, your body, your dignity/feelings-your choice. It's not as if they will never meet.

waitforitfdear · 31/05/2017 11:38

Btw filled the fridge and freezer with food not her waters! Wink

Bear2014 · 31/05/2017 11:39

YANBU. The only person who is coming in to see me after my CS in August is our DD. That includes both our parents and my sister and BIL, who will be looking after DD overnight.

Could you get your DH to take the baby out into the corridor for 5 minutes to show his parents while you 'sleep' in your cubicle?

ExPresidents · 31/05/2017 11:43

waitforitdear Grin

You sound great, no wonder you get on so well with your DIL.

CheeseOfHearts · 31/05/2017 11:46

Your body, your operation, your decision.

Also, waitforitdear- can you be my MIL?!

MissJC · 31/05/2017 11:51

I remember being stitched up after an Episiotomy and forceps and I looked round and there was my MIL right in the throng of it all!! I couldn't complain though because my own DM and been present throughout the entire birth but it was just a bit sudden. My legs are in stirrups with a huge light shining down on my battered lasagne and Boom. My MIL stood next to my head telling me well done. It was a major WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK moment.

Bear2014 · 31/05/2017 11:55

MissJC are you for real?! I don't think I would ever forgive my OH if this was allowed to happen to me.

Inertia · 31/05/2017 11:57

Most post-natal wards will not allow the baby off the ward until discharged with the mother- which is understandable,, given the security risks.

Collie, you are the patient. You can choose who visits you and when, and it doesn't make you selfish to want some recovery time before seeing visitors. The suggestion above that DH should tell his parents that you'll need some time before seeing visitors is a good one.

Bear2014 · 31/05/2017 11:59

Inertia yes but you can be outside the room where the mother is without actually leaving the ward?

Lofari · 31/05/2017 12:07

All about personal preference.
I've had 3 sections, 1 emergency and 2 planned. My parents on all 3 times came to see me the same day when I looked less than glamorous with a catheter.
My FIL came up all 3 times on day 2. Personally depends how you feel after having baby

pop000 · 31/05/2017 12:11

Op I'm completely on your side with this one. That's key time to bond with your lo and it's no time to be bombarded with visitors even if it's just to 'pop in' as some posters have mentioned. I love my MIL and she's generally lovely, however I feel there's boundaries for this sort of thing. Don't let anyone bully you into anything, yes it's your OH baby too but your the one who has to go through pretty major surgery. I think because c sections are so so common now people forget that it's actually major surgery, on top of bonding and breastfeeding lo. My in laws live 5 minutes away and didn't meet lo until he was 2 weeks old because they had bad colds and I stuck to my guns, they weren't happy at the time but they've already forgotten about it.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/05/2017 12:14

I'm probably going to be slammed for this but I think you're being a teeny bit unreasonable here.
You're asking them to look after your 5yr old DD while you have a planned C-section which will also be their grandchild. They are your inlaws, your DH's parents and the grandparents of your next child and you want them to hang back and wait until you get home before they see you and their new grandchild? Good enough for baby-sitting but just not enough to visit?
Why don't you schedule their visit while you have a shower in the hospital and during that time they can visit their newest grandchild?

Applesandpears23 · 31/05/2017 12:15

Last baby everyone came to the hospital. I was a wreck, my daughter was ill and it was all very stressful. This time we have agreed only my partner and my best friend. All family will have to wait until I get home.

pop000 · 31/05/2017 12:17

Forgot to say good luck with it all Smile I think it's so lovely you're being so considerate to your DD. It's so important to allow them to have time to bond with the lo on their own without grandparents suddenly showing this new lo a ton of attention on the same day. I would definitely space it out to make the transition better for your DD.

peneleope82 · 31/05/2017 12:24

This is 100% your choice and you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. Don't feel any pressure.

Just to give my perspective (as a Mum of two), when my second was born my in laws came to the hospital with my eldest and waited in the cafe whilst my husband brought him up to meet the baby. Then she popped in to see me and the baby before leaving with my eldest (as he was getting bored!). It was absolutely fine - my husband had told them beforehand it would be quick and was ready to start shooing them out at my signal. But having them take my eldest home with them was really handy as they had to go as soon as he got fussy.

For me, giving them that 20 mins was no bother in the end (I was really worried about it beforehand) and it meant so much to them that it wasn't ideal but worth the sacrifice.

Saying all that, it is still absolutely your choice as YOU are the patient. Just wanted to give you reassurance it may not be as bad as you think if you choose to go the other way x

MissJC · 31/05/2017 12:35

Bear2014 I am 100% for real. It was crackers! They didn't take me to theatre for the forceps it all happened in the delivery room so it was all a bit chaotic. Doctors everywhere, OH crying, DM stood next to me with a humongous Nikon camera taking a million pics (there is a lovely picture of my placenta on there) and MIL watching me get stitched up!

TBH I look back and laugh now. It was like a carry on film.

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