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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

265 replies

Collienova · 31/05/2017 00:50

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

OP posts:
thegreylady · 31/05/2017 08:32

I saw all my grandchildren bar one (who was in Canada) in the hospital and was delighted to be asked however I hope I would understood if any hadn't wanted visitors as long as it was any visitors not just me.My ddil saw her own mother every day but we were never excluded even though we were only able to get to the hospital once because of distance.

AlternativeTentacle · 31/05/2017 08:32

How about 'it is a major operation so I will let you know when I feel up to seeing anyone, just like with any major operation'.

Kerberos · 31/05/2017 08:33

Having had 3 c sections I understand where you are coming from. It's a worrying time as you prepare for it.

However, if as you say yo it POL

Kerberos · 31/05/2017 08:34

Damn phone....

Your PIL are important to you then why not allow a short visit on day 2? It will mean the world to them.

barfotoliv · 31/05/2017 08:37

YANBU. I had 2 straightforward, drug-free deliveries but for the first few days and even weeks I was in a lot of pain with my stitches, bleeding heavily, and in frequent tears. Yet I had so many visitors from the very first day. I wish I had have been firmer and refused them as it really took the shine of the first few days. I'm still quite bitter about it to be honest. I know it's your PIL but you feel so vulnerable after birth, the only people I wanted around were my husband and my mum. Waiting until you are home is perfectly reasonable imo. Good luck.

Original poster
Collienova · 31/05/2017 08:37

Thegreylady - there's definitely no issue with that as my mum won't be able to see the baby for a few months as she lives abroad and is having surgery around the same time as the birth.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 31/05/2017 08:40

I would talk to your DH about managing it. I would say, that in hospital is an easier place to 'manage' a limited visit. So not the day you give birth - you want DD to have special bonding time and be the only one being fussed over. Then if you are kept in the next day, could they be asked to visit half hour before the end of the visiting times, and brief the midwife to come round and say "visiting times re finishing now." if they don't look ready to leave.

Controlling length of visit in hospital is a lot easier than at home when there's not a reason to kick them out after 30 minutes. (Which is enough for a cuddle of the new baby, tell you how ill /well you look, get a couple of photos of their DS holding his new baby and generally feel like they've had a nice visit.)

I'd take 30 mintues of a fussing visitor in hospital on day 2 over a 4 hour visit of a fussing visitor at home on day 3.

ittakes2 · 31/05/2017 08:44

I had an emergency c section for twins and it was incredibly painful. I lost a lot of blood and needed a blood transfusion.
You have to do what's best for you, and it is a major op and it's not unreasonable to say you will not be up for visitors. But to be honest, it does come across as you want to be very controlling and are trying to keep some space between your parents'n'law and your little family.
I don't like my mother'n'law (on a bad day I can't stand to be in the same room as her), but I could not see myself both asking her to help with childcare and then sending her a message that she is not welcome to spend 2mins meeting her new grandchild after he/she is born. Babies change so much in 48hrs, and even if your hubby needs to take the baby into the corridor so you don't have any visitors - I can't see why you would find an issue with this unless you are feeling like you want to send a message to your parents'n'law that you feel the need to control their relationship with their grandchild.
But on the plus side, it's good you are thinking about this and coming up with a plan before you give birth.
I didn't occur to me to do that sort of thing and after I have birth (prematurely), I was taken to ICU with my daughter and her twin brother was taken to baby intensive care. I was flat on my back with the pain etc - and from memory when my son came out of intensive care, my mother'n'law had just come to visit and my hubby had passed my son to my mother'n'law for a cuddle - just because he was so excited about being a dad and the timing was he saw my mother'n'law before with my son before he made it back to my room. So literally, my mother'n'law had a cuddle of my son before I did! And while I was upset at the time, it wasn't intentional as my hubby hadn't realised in all the emergency c section thing that I had not been able to cuddle my son - so I got over myself for being upset about it and just let it go.

MrsJayy · 31/05/2017 08:45

Just say to Mil look im not going to be up for visitors after my operation can you come round after we are home. If she is offended she is offended you can send them a million baby pics from your phone.

givemethecake · 31/05/2017 08:52

I think there will be a lot of people wanting to see the baby once born but it doesn't mean they can all come to the hospital for a visit 'because they can't wait to see the baby'

Do whatever is best for you, it isn't about keeping everyone else happy. It's about you and your baby.

dinosaursandtea · 31/05/2017 09:01

The OP is having a baby AND major surgery. What the GPs feel about it is waaaaaay down on the priority list.

OP, you're not being U AT ALL. I'd step away from the thread if I were you - too many people criticising perfectly sensible boundaries.

GiraffeorOcelot · 31/05/2017 09:03

Sorry but I will go against the grain here. I think you should compromise and arrange with DH that they come for a brief 10min visit, state that you may not be up to seeing them but DH will let them see the baby.

They are really good grandparents and lovely people, it would mean the world to them.

Wdigin2this · 31/05/2017 09:04

Just say it....in as nice and reasonable tone as possible!

GiraffeorOcelot · 31/05/2017 09:04

I have had c sections btw, both emergency and planned.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/05/2017 09:05

I wouldn't have minded having ILs to visit either after emcs or ELCS. The advantage of hospital visiting is fixed hours with no expectation of visiting. If they're going to be disappointed at your wishes, I'd definitely try and tackle that sooner rather than later. Would they be your first visitors after dd?

MrsJayy · 31/05/2017 09:10

If you say beforehand then you and pil can talk and have clarity of the situation umming and ahhing and being miserable could build up resentment.

Floozie66 · 31/05/2017 09:23

I can never understand why gp feel this need to see baby straightaway and claim ownership of child - i think it contributes to mums feeling like incubators. Hopefully if / when i am a granny then i will be primarily supporting dd / dil in whatever way they need and through that a relationship with gradndchild will develop over time.

Kennethwasmyfriend · 31/05/2017 09:43

I have heard grandparents describing falling in love with their grandchildren the moment they saw them. GPs usually come next to parents and siblings in terms of people who will love your children.

The idea that wanting to see this new baby quickly is a form of claiming ownership is frankly messed up.

QueenArseClangers · 31/05/2017 09:45

So Onion, tell us about your experiences if giving birth via abdo surgery, having a massive onslaught of hormones, being catheterise and breastfeeding?

Oh wait, you're a man Hmm

MrsJayy · 31/05/2017 09:57

The notion that Gp are claiming ownership is odd there is nothing wrong with wanting to see your childs child

WicksEnd · 31/05/2017 10:06

My mil wouldn't even wait until I was back on the ward, barged into the recovery room while I was still in my theatre gown bring DHs aunt with her who I'd met twice as she lives in NZ.
Still haven't forgiven her that particular stunt 15 years later.

ExPresidents · 31/05/2017 10:11

OP please don't be swayed by the people on here telling you you are being selfish. You are absolutely allowed to prioritise what you want at this point, YOU are undergoing a major medical procedure, no one else.

I was adamant I didn't want anyone to visit me or the baby in hospital first time round and knew this before the birth. I wanted to have that time getting to know my baby, spending the first few hours of his life with just us and my DH. As it turned out we both had a very tough time of it and had to stay in hospital 5 days. My parents were fantastic, called every day to see how I was doing but put no pressure on us whatsoever to visit. DH's parents drove to our home on the day I was discharged (from 3 hours away) 'on the off chance I was getting out that day' and were literally waiting on our doorstep when we got home. I felt awful, had had a totally shit time in postnatal and wanted nothing more than to sleep, shower and get DS settled in his new home. Instead I had to hand him over to them and make small talk looking and feeling horrendous while they sat and drank tea.

I really love my PILs but honestly they made me feel so forced into a corner that day it still rankles with me.

The baby has no fucking clue who has come to visit it when. A week old baby is no different in this regard to a day old baby. If people force themselves on you at this point it is because THEY are selfish and putting their desire to look at a baby before your desire as a fully functioning adult to have some peace and space to recover from a major life changing experience and adjust to your new family together.

Floozie66 · 31/05/2017 10:12

No there is nothing wrong in wanting to see your newborn grandchild but i feel from some of the experiences that a lot of women report on mumsnet is that there is a competition between grandparents over who gets to see the grandchild firstas though this somehow affects the future relationship - shouldnt the focus at this time be mothers supporting new mothers rather than who gets the first cuddle / photo etc

HumphreyCobblers · 31/05/2017 10:16

I was in a dreadful state after my last c section. Bag of wee hanging down, drip in so I couldn't move, swollen so much from the drugs that none of my clothes fitted me.

My BIL came to see me and I was absolutely mortified. I could really have down without it tbh.

YANBU at all OP.

Ratatatouille · 31/05/2017 10:16

You absolutely do not have to treat your PILs the same as your parents. They are not your parents. It is perfectly understandable that having just had major surgery, trying to establish breastfeeding and being catheterised, you might feel comfortable having your own parents there but not PILs. The comfort of a mother who has just gone through childbirth or major surgery is frankly much more important than the feelings of the GPs. And yes, they are there to see the baby rather than you, but that's really irrelevant because it's not possible to take you out of the equation! Not all mums (me included) would be happy for their brand new baby to be carted off to the day room to see visitors without them.

I agree with the claiming ownership thing. I can completely understand wanting to see your new GC but if you've been told that mum isn't up to visitors for a couple of days you should respect that. Pushing for a visit or having a strop about it does make it look like you just want to get their first to show how important you are.