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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section

265 replies

Collienova · 31/05/2017 00:50

I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?

OP posts:
NeilYoungCrazyHorse · 31/05/2017 07:43

Actually I am going to go against the tide here and say that you should consider asking your MIL to help you out.

My DM is dead and my MIL came to the hospital when I had a CS. She looked after DC1 whilst DH helped me out, then brought DC1 to the hospital. She was an extra pair of hands to handle DC1 whilst my DH tried to bond with the new baby. As a result it went well because we were able to do the things we wanted to do with DC1 and the new baby. She is a nurse and she was also helpful because she saw a few things she didn't like WRT my and the baby's care and pulled the staff up on it. Even though I don't get on with her that well, she really helped us out. DC2 was born 5 weeks early as there was a problem with him (turned out ok in end) and she massively took any additional pressure off us.

bonzo77 · 31/05/2017 07:44

@onion. How do you know the DH thinks OP is selfish?

OP clearly no need to see them if "fairness" is the issue. Your mum cannot come for ages so if you need to be fair, PIL should wait too.....

IMO when you feel like crap you only want people who make you feel cared for and Molly coddled. If the PIL don't make you feel like that, let them wait. Besides, not all CS are straightforward, you can still get a PPH, or surgical complications or baby be unwell, so everyone needs to be flexible. FWI I've had 3 and definitely had the best recovery both mentally and physically with my third: where the novelty had worn off, and I was very firm about visiting. I was in 2 nights and only really had DH and the older two visit once (plus when he came to take me home), and my dad dropped in briefly.

sphinxster · 31/05/2017 07:45

^That's rubbish - when you are recovering from major surgery it's normal & fine to be at ease with your own parents who are there to support you as you are their own flesh & blood, but not necessarily anyone else who are only interested in the baby.

It's not about who's first to see the baby ffs.^

^ I was going to say this. Of course DPs and PILs are different - you are your parents' baby!

My DPs had DS while I had my ELCS. Even when they brought DS to meet his sister they didn't assume they were invited too, it was our family's moment and regardless of how desperate they were to be see their new GC they're not unreasonably egocentric. They dropped DS at the ward with DH and went to the hospital cafe.

It isn't selfish. YANBU

bonzo77 · 31/05/2017 07:46

Sorry meant to add, PIL big role is the support ^their^ baby. So whatever he needs, (or needs to suppprt you) is their job.

Original poster
Collienova · 31/05/2017 07:46

I haven't spoken to my husband yet, but I think it's a great suggestion for him to tell them. I think he will respect my wishes, but not quite 'get' why. My MIL is a terrible fusser (with the best of intentions) and I find that emotionally draining when you're not feeling well. I would just like to focus on bonding with baby and establishing breastfeeding, if that makes me selfish then I'm happy with that.
Thank tou jystanothernameonapage - that's the reaction I'm hoping for.

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsington · 31/05/2017 07:50

But I have learnt to be a little bit more 'selfish' over the last 5 years. Happy mum, happy baby and all that...

How lucky then that despite being more selfish, they are still going to look after your first born for you. They don't sound like unreasonable people at all so I don't understand why you just won't come out and have a conversation with them? You did when you asked them to look after DD. There doesn't have to be any angst over this situation.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 31/05/2017 07:50

I think if they play little part in the lives of their adult children, it's understandable.

However it seems that they do a lot for you including childcare. Is it really worth hurting their feelings for the sake of an hours visit whilst you sit in bed and they coo over the baby. It's rather selfish to use them and then exclude them when it suits you.

OnionKnight · 31/05/2017 07:52

But I have learnt to be a little bit more 'selfish' over the last 5 years. Happy mum, happy baby and all that...

The OP typed this, hence my comment.

MachineBee · 31/05/2017 07:54

Good luck for your CS. Hope it goes well and you recover quickly. Agree with PPs that you are entitled to not have visitors unless you want them. I would have the conversation with ILs asap to allow them to process. And make sure DP is fully on board with you on this too. Remind them that CS is MAJOR surgery and you'd like to recover privately, reassured that your DD is in good hands. If it helps, lay it on thick that it could be unpleasant for them to see you in the aftermath (vomiting, catheters, drips, etc). I would also think carefully about whether you want your DD to visit soon after the delivery, as she may worry if witnesses you looking rough. She's v young and will be happy at GPs for a short time. And when you go into hospital make sure your wishes re visitors are noted on your file and by the staff.

When I had my first (normal delivery) my mother used my Dad's position at the hospital to visit at 8am! (DF was a senior pathologist). I came out of the shower to find her at my bed crooning over my new DD. I was not impressed. She spent the next 2 years telling me I was a rubbish mum because DD1 didn't sleep for me, but always did for her. Hmm. When DD2 arrived she was also a crier, but DM had by then decided that DD2 was a 'bit of a madam' and thought that tough love was what was required. Confused

Original poster
Collienova · 31/05/2017 07:55

Actually rainbows and kitty - true, they're not unreasonable, but neither am I. This is not a business transaction where you exchange childcare for seeing your grandson. There are some boundary issues with MIL due to different characters (she's an extrovert, I'm not) and I had to be more 'selfish' to manage that. There is 'angst' because I care about them and trying to work out the best way to approach this so they don't take it personally and understand where I'm coming from.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 31/05/2017 07:57

Treat them as you would your parents.
I would let them visit in hospital though, maybe wait 24 hours. They're coming to see baby and if they're very involved and there's no history then I think they'd really appreciate it.

Have your DH preface the with 'mum is really tired but she'd love you to meet baby. It'll have to be a quick one though so she can rest up' . They'll take the hint.

Loopytiles · 31/05/2017 08:07

It is not at all selfish to establish "boundaries".

KittyVonCatsington · 31/05/2017 08:08

true, they're not unreasonable, but neither am I. This is not a business transaction where you exchange childcare for seeing your grandson

I never said you were being unreasonable OP. I was trying to point out that they obviously don't hold you being a little more 'selfish' against you so why put off asking them not to come to the hospital?

And no, 'childcare' between family is not a business transaction but nor should it be taken for granted.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/05/2017 08:09

Onion use of the word 'selfish' there to me that reads that she has stopped people pleasing and put boundaries in place. That I would define as wise. And to call her out on it is Confused

SometimesMaybe · 31/05/2017 08:10

Honestly, you are going to there for a couple of days and you won't let them pop in for half an hour? Bit mean OP. They are good enough to look after your DD but not to see the new baby? In the absence of any crazy behaviour on their part why can't they just pop in and give the baby a cuddle and the go?

Just wait till it's your turn to be a granny.........

Kennethwasmyfriend · 31/05/2017 08:11

I was in for 5 days and 4 days. That's a fair bit to wait. Tbh hospital is boring and seeing a friendly face can be a break. Also you may wish to add to your new lo's fan club. Hospital visits are timed and can be ended more easily than here-for-the-day home visits. I would hope people would come to visit me after major surgery too tbh.

OnionKnight · 31/05/2017 08:11

How am I calling her out on it? I simply asked her what her husband thought of it.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 31/05/2017 08:12

This is not a business transaction where you exchange childcare for seeing your grandson

Of course it isnt but it very much sounds like you take them for granted re childcare and that it's your terms or nothing.

Original poster
Collienova · 31/05/2017 08:16

SometimesMaybe - I have found that 'pop in and...' does not work for my MIL. And her fussing will drain me, so I'm prioritising. They are very much good enough to see my baby, but I'd prefer that to be at home. I was home within a couple of days last time despite a GA, if it turns out to be longer this time I'm more than happy to re-evaluate.

OP posts:
Mummmy2017 · 31/05/2017 08:17

I know you don't want them to see you, but would it be possible when they bring your DD for your DH to take the newborn to see them out of your room, as this is all they want a quick hello too the new baby, you can tell them your in so much pain you really can't face seeing them yourself, and they will go away happy,

Because they really are bending over backwards to help you, so you don't have child worries... sometimes a compromise is nice and your husband gets to show off to his parents so it's a win all round.

mintich · 31/05/2017 08:17

I told both sets of parents, they could visit when I decided I was ready and not before. I made sure the message got to them weeks in advance. It was definitely the right thing to do as I ended up having a traumatic birth and could not have handled visitors

Original poster
Collienova · 31/05/2017 08:21

Rainbows - I don't take them for granted and never expected it. This is the thinking trap I used to fall into where I ended up pleasing everyone and not taking care of myself enough. I tell them regularly that I appreciate them and that we're lucky they are close by and want to be involved. They're back from holiday soon, so we will discuss my wishes.

OP posts:
SpecialStains · 31/05/2017 08:22

Nope, I had a straightforward birth and all relatives were on strict instructions that no one was to bother me in hospital. I was discharged the same day as I had the baby, then we had two lovely days just me, DH and DS at home before relatives started pestering me.

I'm very glad I did it, and next time I would happily have a week before people came to stay. It was horrible having my mil go on about giving the baby a bottle when I was trying to establish breastfeeding.

GoldenWorld · 31/05/2017 08:28

I can't speak for all hospitals but it is much, much more common now for elective c sections to be discharged the next day (actually even for emergencies now as well). So providing all goes well you won't be there long at all.

They can wait 24 hours. Just tell them if all is okay you'll be home the next day so there's no need for them to visit in hospital.

RosaDeZoett · 31/05/2017 08:29

Collienova it sounds like you have made up your mind, so stay gently firm and stick to your guns. Great idea to have your husband let them know. It's about dignity and privacy and mutual respect. You're asking them to wait a few days. It's only a few days, not 6 months! If you handle it carefully and feelings are still hurt, that is unfortunate, but so be it. Best of luck with the birth and new baby!