Nasty message from friend

[mummymummums]

Some background. About 4 years ago we came into an established friendship group of 4 families, through a shared hobby. There was a 4 family whatsapp group that we were added to. Family 1 and Family 2 are the main people in the story.
Families 3 and 4 got dropped (not by us) pretty soon after our arrival in the group. Family 2 set up a new whatsapp group just for families 1, 2 and us. The reasons they were dropped seemed valid (e.g. Borrowing stuff and returning it trashed regularly, or being given stuff (hobby related) and selling it straight after for significant profit.) We invited Family 3 and 4 to a couple of BBQs at ours but their being part of the group fizzled out and we didn't know them well.
For the last 3 years a friendship has continued with us and families 1 and 2, with BBQs regularly and get togethers. The parents of the DH in family 1 also started coming to events at family 1's house, and family 2 became particularly close to them. Family 1 parents are in 70s but youngish at heart and lovely.
Last year me and DH realised that despite having had family 2 to ours many many times, they have never once invited us to anything. Only us or family 1 ever hosted (we thought), but we became aware that family 2 were hosting, but only inviting family 1 and parents of family 1. It was being done secretly. We then became aware from a slip up by the DH in family 2 that a secret whatsapp had been set up for families 1, 2 and parents of family 1. We still invited families 1 and 2 over, and we went to family 1's house many times and they even joined us for a couple of days on holiday last year (their idea). The DW in family 2 organised an event (hobby related) and invited a few ladies (all of whom I knew) but not me. I felt hurt but realised that for whatever reason she did not welcome us to the group, albeit she was happy to come to ours to be catered for if we asked.
We realised that if we wanted to be friends with family 1, we still needed to invite family 2 to our events, which we did.
Then last September family 2 moved 100 miles away. We were quite pleased really as there was no ignoring that they were never reciprocating, and it was getting irritating.
After they were gone we suggested a few outings to family 1, but all were declined. I think they had valid reasons. Then at Xmas I suggested they gone up with any date to suit them, and come to us for a meal. They seemed keen but never came up with a date, instead telling us that friends were visiting from the US and they wanted to keep themselves free for him.
We pretty much gave up. We knew DW of family 2 was not a fan of ours, but we'd thought that family 1 had become solid friends.
8 months passed since we last saw them and we realised we'd been dropped, like families 3 and 4. But no idea why. We were aware that families 1 and 2 and the parents of family 1 were meeting up, with family 2 staying with the parents but it was being done secretly.
Then last Sunday family 1 posted pics of them all in the pub. So I did something silly that I regret. I posted a meme on Facebook saying "At some point you have to forget those people who have forgotten you." I hate these PA things usually but I decided it mentally drew a line for me. Me and DH (who completely agrees we've been dropped and that family 2 never wanted us) left the whatsapp group that hadn't actually been used since last year anyway.
Next morning I get a very shirty message from DW of family 1. She said she had no idea I felt that way, I shouldn't judge people, she's very busy and her friends accept that, and she feels sick. I replied explaining why we felt that way. I explained that we really liked all of them, but in 3 years had not had a single invite from family 2, and had been actively left out of anything arranged by family 2. I said we felt uncomfortable and acknowledged they had a strong friendship with family 2 so hadn't said anything and carried on including everyone. However, when our last few invites to them (family 1) were declined, we left it, but had realised we were forgotten, having gone from at least 2 get togethers a month to nothing in 8 months. I reiterated that they meant a lot to us.
The reply I got was so upsetting. She said:
"Oh my god Mummy. Get your bloody head out of your arse. Think this over!"
WIBU to try to explain? I'm so cross with myself for bothering. I can see this is what they do, dropping people, but she seems to be denying that we were dropped I think. Seemingly suggesting that friends ought to take whatever crumbs they offer. I always knew that the message from me meant no return, not least as family 1 DW would never entertain the idea that family 2 DW had excluded us. But 3 years, multiple events hosted by us, not a single one back, I surely didn't imagine it?? And 8 months of no contact surely isn't normal when you were seeing people all the time??
What did I do? I feel shocked and keep replaying it.
I do appreciate that people can choose to be friends with whoever they want, and that often we won't be included in everything. But we haven't been included in a single thing for 8 months.
Please don't flame me for the meme. I realise I was BU on that.
I think the right thing to do is not reply now, no one will ever see it from our point of view. I reality checked with DH before posting anything as he's the most level headed person I know and he can't understand the reaction about my arse and head either.
Please anyone tell me where I went wrong (other than the meme)

Just seen your update. I have a slightly different take, I think. Her "get your head out of your arse" comment was aggressive; obviously she thought so too as she has come back to apologise. Something has gone on of which you are unaware. Don't know what, but I'd be sure of it. It could be that family 1 has had a difficult time and family 2 has helped them out of it. You could inadvertently have caused some sort of offence to either of them. Your children may not be getting along. But....whatever it is, try not to lose too much sleep over it. Meet your friend, chat to her - the fact she's offering to meet to talk about it suggests there is something to talk about, to be honest. But don't beat yourself up about it. A real friend would have addressed the issue at the time and not let it run on like this and you, by the sound of it (and I, sorry to hear it) have your dad to worry about.

Dw2 obseved and managed your friendship with family 1 because they came to all your invites and she could see everything that went on. She didn't like your friendship but she felt it was under control. She was at every event and she did extra things with them. You weren't too much of a threat although she preferred to keep them to themselves.
As soon as they moved away she could no longer manage and control you relationship with dw1. You became a bigger threat so you had to be disposed of. She didn't want you getting closer to dw1 in her absence. Hence poison being dripped into dw1's ear. I should imagine that is why family 1 dropped you and why Dw1 thinks you should examine your own behaviour. As far as she is concerned you have caused the break up because family 2 have told them stuff that is not true. It's also why she's upset and had sleepless nights because she feels that she is innocent in this (which she is) and that she doesn't deserve you turning on her. You are all the victim of family 2 manipulation.

Meet with dw1 and thrash it out. Don't be too negative about dw2 as that won't help if you seem nasty. But present the situation neutrally and factually. You never know you might spoil dw2's plans.

mummymummums

your Father is the focus now, its nice that she has been somewhat conciliatory but now focus on your self during this very hard time XXX

when his time comes will she be there? nah

Just to further my last post. That's why dw2 accepted all your invites but didn't recipricate. She didn't like you and didn't want you but she also didn't want you meeting dw1 without her as she wanted dw1 to herself. Hence the ingratiating herself in with the parents to cement this.

I think right's right!

The Think This Over is what is niggling me. It is embedded in my head. it does not sit well at all, because it just irks.

to me it implies Mummy should know what she's done to be persona non grata.

Something has been said by DW2. I'm convinced of this

I agree with rightwhine DW1 thinks she's justified in her distancing.

she didnt sleep after the head up the arse comment, and felt sick after seeing how you felt... something does not add up.

I agree. Something has happened or been said that the OP doesn't know about. The comments of the wife simply make no sense otherwise; she'd have just posted something like "yes, been ages, must see you soon" or something if it had just been an oversight that they hadn't seen each other. There is something else in the background.

Sorry OP I've not had time to read every response to this. Just wanted to say that you sound lovely and a good friend. I'll never understand why people behave in this way and it can be hurtful.
She clearly hated being called out on her behaviour (with the meme) and I don't think you did anything wrong in posting it.
If someone does something hurtful, for no apparent reason, its easy for others to say "stay quite and forget about it" but its almost impossible for someone who is genuinely nice to do this.
I have to admit, I would struggle to leave it and not reply. I'd probably saying something like "I've thought it over and you are awful people, goodbye", then block them on everything. It does feel good to have the last word.

Sorry to hear your dad is unwell OP💐
Hope you can concentrate your energy on dealing with that and looking after yourself. Everything else is secondary.

I need a mumsnet dictionary. Can someone please tell me what it means to Wendy somebody and also what pa means?

@Skylander01 Wendy is when a newcoming comes into your group of friends and ousts you out.

PA is Passive Aggressive

Here you go @Skylander01

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

Although this does need updating for terms like Wendy and naice

Thank you Groovy and Hissy.

Well, I could probably egg up a load of different things to make it seem like I was having a really bad time as well if I was caught out.

I don't believe her, I reckon she'll go for coffee, make you feel bad and then you'll never hear from her again.

Cynical, moi?!

Thank you everyone, I'm a bit absent as distracted by my Dad's situation.
Sorry Borodin - I'm not Mummy to family 1, I did just put that as short for mummymummums rather than use my real name!
We do have other friends, though we specially got on well with family 1 and 2, which was helped by the shared hobby. We didn't try to Wendy anyone - we always included everyone. Right until the Xmas meal suggestion where I didn't ask family 2 as they live 100 miles away now.
I really can imagine DW1 saying what she said in message 2 - she's quite dry. I can imagine it in an exasperated way, though also can imagine it in a mean way.
I still return to this: 8 months of no contact, save all my suggestions were declined. Could have been genuine.
I wasn't included in Cycle event organised by DW2 despite being an obvious omission I think.
All met up last weekend, but we weren't included. I completely get that I can't throw a jealous hissy fit as people can go out with who they like. I did do the childish meme though, as in my head I wanted them to know I knew we'd been dropped, and draw a line.
Short summary for newcomers:
DW1 then sent a message about being shocked, and feeling sick.
I launched into a lengthy (with hindsight ill advised) explanation.
She then told me to get my bloody head out of my arse.
I ignored it and came on here.
She followed up with a 3rd message, which was about their recent problems, family 2 liking us, suggesting a meet with her (cycle ride). She also said not to feel foolish and it seems like a misunderstanding (sorry, drip feed, in previous summary I didn't mention that bit).
I am doing nothing and putting my attention and focus on my Dad. I've said that to her in a message. She understands that.
My feeling is were it not for my meme we would probably have never heard again. But against that is the fact that DW1 is plainly very bothered about all this.
Also I should mention - no way does DH1 fancy me or DW2. Def not. And DW2 def not after him but is after his parents - she plainly adores them. No one is after my DH either. We are 3 couples, with us and family 1 having children who get on, who all had some really great times very regularly. Until last September!
I think at some point I will meet her but not now. Dad has my thoughts 100%.
I don't know if there's something I don't know. I've replayed the last meeting but came up with nothing. I worry it was all in my head but my DH fully agrees with me, that everything was off and we'd been dropped and he's the most level headed and least paranoid person I know. He checked the meme I posted and said he thought it was fine if I wanted to do it (my enabler ), and he checked the message I sent to DW1, before sending, and was shocked / cross by the response.

Thank you for the support.

I wonder if family b aren't natural hoasters and feel overwhelmed with larger numbers. Or a bit embarrassed about their house.

Family A. I would meet the wife and have a heart to heart and take it from there. She over reacted, just like you did. It sounds like you're both having a difficult time.

I wonder if you feel like you've been dropped but the reality is that she's struggled to keep up with stuff because things haven't been easy recently and she's not communicated that.

I would be so tempted to keep on inviting them to things, just because it would annoy them and you know they won't turn up. I know that's childish.

What you did I think, is be struck by misfortune, and they are fairweather friends who only want the nice bits. Like Disney Dads.

Real friends will support you when things happen, like redundancy or illness, and they clearly aren't up for that. I expect that, should they discover a year or so down the line, that you are all doing well and on the up again, they might pick you up.

You've managed to avoid that fate by posting your meme. Well done!

Squished - you could be right with all of that. However, family 1 certainly haven't been locked away for the last 8 months - they have been out and about lots. All of this is fine of course. We just felt like the only people they don't see now. We saw other people too obviously but also tried to see them. Life was simpler before Facebook!

Jux - an equally possible explanation!
So confused, which is why I'll not meet her for now as my head is not in the right place with my Dad's situation changing.

Have a good chat and hopefully things will be clearer. It will either go one way or the other. Your friendship will get stronger or fall apart.

I think you were dropped, maybe family 2 don't like you but are more forceful socially, so easier for DW1 to let your friendship slip than be in the middle - but not to the point she liked being called out on it as that challenges her view of herself as a 'nice person'.

Just a thought?

They weren't really friends. Sad, but evidenced by their behaviour and the nasty message. You are not BU, and I'm sorry for your hurt.