Some background. About 4 years ago we came into an established friendship group of 4 families, through a shared hobby. There was a 4 family whatsapp group that we were added to. Family 1 and Family 2 are the main people in the story.
Families 3 and 4 got dropped (not by us) pretty soon after our arrival in the group. Family 2 set up a new whatsapp group just for families 1, 2 and us. The reasons they were dropped seemed valid (e.g. Borrowing stuff and returning it trashed regularly, or being given stuff (hobby related) and selling it straight after for significant profit.) We invited Family 3 and 4 to a couple of BBQs at ours but their being part of the group fizzled out and we didn't know them well.
For the last 3 years a friendship has continued with us and families 1 and 2, with BBQs regularly and get togethers. The parents of the DH in family 1 also started coming to events at family 1's house, and family 2 became particularly close to them. Family 1 parents are in 70s but youngish at heart and lovely.
Last year me and DH realised that despite having had family 2 to ours many many times, they have never once invited us to anything. Only us or family 1 ever hosted (we thought), but we became aware that family 2 were hosting, but only inviting family 1 and parents of family 1. It was being done secretly. We then became aware from a slip up by the DH in family 2 that a secret whatsapp had been set up for families 1, 2 and parents of family 1. We still invited families 1 and 2 over, and we went to family 1's house many times and they even joined us for a couple of days on holiday last year (their idea). The DW in family 2 organised an event (hobby related) and invited a few ladies (all of whom I knew) but not me. I felt hurt but realised that for whatever reason she did not welcome us to the group, albeit she was happy to come to ours to be catered for if we asked.
We realised that if we wanted to be friends with family 1, we still needed to invite family 2 to our events, which we did.
Then last September family 2 moved 100 miles away. We were quite pleased really as there was no ignoring that they were never reciprocating, and it was getting irritating.
After they were gone we suggested a few outings to family 1, but all were declined. I think they had valid reasons. Then at Xmas I suggested they gone up with any date to suit them, and come to us for a meal. They seemed keen but never came up with a date, instead telling us that friends were visiting from the US and they wanted to keep themselves free for him.
We pretty much gave up. We knew DW of family 2 was not a fan of ours, but we'd thought that family 1 had become solid friends.
8 months passed since we last saw them and we realised we'd been dropped, like families 3 and 4. But no idea why. We were aware that families 1 and 2 and the parents of family 1 were meeting up, with family 2 staying with the parents but it was being done secretly.
Then last Sunday family 1 posted pics of them all in the pub. So I did something silly that I regret. I posted a meme on Facebook saying "At some point you have to forget those people who have forgotten you." I hate these PA things usually but I decided it mentally drew a line for me. Me and DH (who completely agrees we've been dropped and that family 2 never wanted us) left the whatsapp group that hadn't actually been used since last year anyway.
Next morning I get a very shirty message from DW of family 1. She said she had no idea I felt that way, I shouldn't judge people, she's very busy and her friends accept that, and she feels sick. I replied explaining why we felt that way. I explained that we really liked all of them, but in 3 years had not had a single invite from family 2, and had been actively left out of anything arranged by family 2. I said we felt uncomfortable and acknowledged they had a strong friendship with family 2 so hadn't said anything and carried on including everyone. However, when our last few invites to them (family 1) were declined, we left it, but had realised we were forgotten, having gone from at least 2 get togethers a month to nothing in 8 months. I reiterated that they meant a lot to us.
The reply I got was so upsetting. She said:
"Oh my god Mummy. Get your bloody head out of your arse. Think this over!"
WIBU to try to explain? I'm so cross with myself for bothering. I can see this is what they do, dropping people, but she seems to be denying that we were dropped I think. Seemingly suggesting that friends ought to take whatever crumbs they offer. I always knew that the message from me meant no return, not least as family 1 DW would never entertain the idea that family 2 DW had excluded us. But 3 years, multiple events hosted by us, not a single one back, I surely didn't imagine it?? And 8 months of no contact surely isn't normal when you were seeing people all the time??
What did I do? I feel shocked and keep replaying it.
I do appreciate that people can choose to be friends with whoever they want, and that often we won't be included in everything. But we haven't been included in a single thing for 8 months.
Please don't flame me for the meme. I realise I was BU on that.
I think the right thing to do is not reply now, no one will ever see it from our point of view. I reality checked with DH before posting anything as he's the most level headed person I know and he can't understand the reaction about my arse and head either.
Please anyone tell me where I went wrong (other than the meme)