Nasty message from friend

[mummymummums]

Some background. About 4 years ago we came into an established friendship group of 4 families, through a shared hobby. There was a 4 family whatsapp group that we were added to. Family 1 and Family 2 are the main people in the story.
Families 3 and 4 got dropped (not by us) pretty soon after our arrival in the group. Family 2 set up a new whatsapp group just for families 1, 2 and us. The reasons they were dropped seemed valid (e.g. Borrowing stuff and returning it trashed regularly, or being given stuff (hobby related) and selling it straight after for significant profit.) We invited Family 3 and 4 to a couple of BBQs at ours but their being part of the group fizzled out and we didn't know them well.
For the last 3 years a friendship has continued with us and families 1 and 2, with BBQs regularly and get togethers. The parents of the DH in family 1 also started coming to events at family 1's house, and family 2 became particularly close to them. Family 1 parents are in 70s but youngish at heart and lovely.
Last year me and DH realised that despite having had family 2 to ours many many times, they have never once invited us to anything. Only us or family 1 ever hosted (we thought), but we became aware that family 2 were hosting, but only inviting family 1 and parents of family 1. It was being done secretly. We then became aware from a slip up by the DH in family 2 that a secret whatsapp had been set up for families 1, 2 and parents of family 1. We still invited families 1 and 2 over, and we went to family 1's house many times and they even joined us for a couple of days on holiday last year (their idea). The DW in family 2 organised an event (hobby related) and invited a few ladies (all of whom I knew) but not me. I felt hurt but realised that for whatever reason she did not welcome us to the group, albeit she was happy to come to ours to be catered for if we asked.
We realised that if we wanted to be friends with family 1, we still needed to invite family 2 to our events, which we did.
Then last September family 2 moved 100 miles away. We were quite pleased really as there was no ignoring that they were never reciprocating, and it was getting irritating.
After they were gone we suggested a few outings to family 1, but all were declined. I think they had valid reasons. Then at Xmas I suggested they gone up with any date to suit them, and come to us for a meal. They seemed keen but never came up with a date, instead telling us that friends were visiting from the US and they wanted to keep themselves free for him.
We pretty much gave up. We knew DW of family 2 was not a fan of ours, but we'd thought that family 1 had become solid friends.
8 months passed since we last saw them and we realised we'd been dropped, like families 3 and 4. But no idea why. We were aware that families 1 and 2 and the parents of family 1 were meeting up, with family 2 staying with the parents but it was being done secretly.
Then last Sunday family 1 posted pics of them all in the pub. So I did something silly that I regret. I posted a meme on Facebook saying "At some point you have to forget those people who have forgotten you." I hate these PA things usually but I decided it mentally drew a line for me. Me and DH (who completely agrees we've been dropped and that family 2 never wanted us) left the whatsapp group that hadn't actually been used since last year anyway.
Next morning I get a very shirty message from DW of family 1. She said she had no idea I felt that way, I shouldn't judge people, she's very busy and her friends accept that, and she feels sick. I replied explaining why we felt that way. I explained that we really liked all of them, but in 3 years had not had a single invite from family 2, and had been actively left out of anything arranged by family 2. I said we felt uncomfortable and acknowledged they had a strong friendship with family 2 so hadn't said anything and carried on including everyone. However, when our last few invites to them (family 1) were declined, we left it, but had realised we were forgotten, having gone from at least 2 get togethers a month to nothing in 8 months. I reiterated that they meant a lot to us.
The reply I got was so upsetting. She said:
"Oh my god Mummy. Get your bloody head out of your arse. Think this over!"
WIBU to try to explain? I'm so cross with myself for bothering. I can see this is what they do, dropping people, but she seems to be denying that we were dropped I think. Seemingly suggesting that friends ought to take whatever crumbs they offer. I always knew that the message from me meant no return, not least as family 1 DW would never entertain the idea that family 2 DW had excluded us. But 3 years, multiple events hosted by us, not a single one back, I surely didn't imagine it?? And 8 months of no contact surely isn't normal when you were seeing people all the time??
What did I do? I feel shocked and keep replaying it.
I do appreciate that people can choose to be friends with whoever they want, and that often we won't be included in everything. But we haven't been included in a single thing for 8 months.
Please don't flame me for the meme. I realise I was BU on that.
I think the right thing to do is not reply now, no one will ever see it from our point of view. I reality checked with DH before posting anything as he's the most level headed person I know and he can't understand the reaction about my arse and head either.
Please anyone tell me where I went wrong (other than the meme)

I'd reply

"I don't need to [think it over]. We all know where we stand."

Were the reasons that families 3 and 4 were dropped genuine? Or could wife 2 have exaggerated/ orchestrated their misdemeanors?

AyUp has it - sociopath. They are 1 in 25 people so you do come across them. No empathy and they are all about winning at life all the bloody time. Once they turn against you that's it & they are so influential they usually manage to turn everyone else in the group against you too. They're pathological liars too so who knows what she's said about you. Try to see it as a lucky escape. It's so hurtful I know, I'm still recovering from sociopathic Ex-P.
Once they're gone theyre gone though, they quickly move away from anyone who might have realised the truth about their bad behaviour.
for you OP

When she says "think this over" it sounds as though she is saying you have missed something. That's how I read it when I first read your thread. Is there anything that could explain what has happened?

Reading it now I wonder if she is saying "think [that] this [friendship is] over".

I'm not sure.

You are well rid. They all sound vile.

.

Sorry that you went through that Mycats - it does hurt! I never thought of any of the group as my best friend - but we were close with family 1. I've not got a best friend as such.
'Think this over' has bugged me, but hopelessly could be right that it's short for 'think this is over'. I have racked my brains as to what she means and what I'm missing but I think she's probably implying I haven't given this any intelligent thought.

The 'think this over' thing is very interesting. Does she think you know something that would make sense of this? Could DW2 have said something like 'oh DW1, mummy is always flirting round your DH!'? Laying poison down? So DW1 would assume you're now playing dumb? All very peculiar.

Hopelessly - I don't know if the family 3 and 4 reasons were genuine. Def some truth in what was said as we loaned them something once and almost never got it back, had to ask a zillion times, but the DHs in family 1 and 3 have known each other since school (now in 40s) so DW of family 2's arrival could have hastened and helped the end of that friendship. Though I'm not sure how much she could have done. Family 3 seem to be returning to the fold though (which we will not be doing (even if I hadn't cooked my goose )

Her knowing the meme was directed at her says that she knows perfectly well that she's acted unreasonably. You called her on it, she was an arse.

I'd not get in touch again. Whatever you say or do will be spun negatively to make her feel that she was justified in being an arse.

I just daren't ask what I'm meant to think over - I'm sure she's just implying I'm mad and have acted without any thought. But I don't really want to give her a platform to launch another missive.

It sounds like they got themselves worked up over some imagined slight? If you can, just walk away with your head held high. As an outsider, they don't sound worth the angst.

Ayop and Hollieberrie said it perfectly. She's a sociopath and probably said to w1, "Poor mummymums, she's struggling with such and such (fill in the blank) so sad (what a loser), I didn't want to say anything but she said or did (something terrible, big lie)" similar to what Ayop said.

People like w2 do lie constantly. There's no telling what little false insinuations she's said about you to other people. Why else would they stop having anything to do with you? W2 is actually jealous of you, w1 was beginning to like you more and w2 didn't like it.

I still think there's something useful to w2 that w1 provides that is beyond controlling w1 for just the fun of it. Sociopaths are very skilled in using people, and in turn their connections, their status, to elevate themselves somehow.

Don't ask her what she means - it was probably just any old insult she could think of to upset and confuse you. You're best off without them, but hugs cos it's never nice realising that some people are arseholes

Wow. Just wow.

You are right. But whatever W2 wants seems to be related to the parents of family 1 DH, as she really behaves quite extraordinarily around them. She fusses and fawns all over them, and never leaves their side. It may also be that she knows it's a way to cement her friendship with family 1.
DW of family 1 is an amusing person in a dry way. But I keep returning to the fact that DW2 really focuses on the parents.

Is she after the hubby and getting to his parents is her way of getting him!!

Do you think it was anything to do with your husband losing his job OP? Some people are very fairweather and superficial - great fun to be with when everything is going well but disappear as soon as you might need any kind of support.

It's like, as soon as there has to be any reality or you don't fit the picture of 'these are the kinds of people that we're friends with', they're off.

They sound horrible. Fuck 'em.

Are the parents rich or well-connected or very charismatic? There must be something about them she wants, or an image she wants to project for herself. Or she is so desperate to suck up to DW1 she wants her parents to be singing her praises. She may think it's a way of bonding herself closer to DW1, or making her feel indebted. Or maybe it's even darker than that and she is actually trying to come between them and their own daughter and become some sort of surrogate?!
It sounds like she is making a right tit of herself over them.
I agree with many others that DW1 must have known she's treated you badly or she wouldn't have got so defensive. Seems like for her, attack is the best form of defence.
Think it over, my arse. She is just trying to make you think you are in the wrong.
I am so sorry for your hurt feelings, I know how devastating it is to have "friends" treat you like this Time to channel Gloria Gaynor!

Downtown and Noova have brought up interesting possibilities.
Perhaps W2 is trying to get close to W1's husband and how better than ingratiating herself with his parents? It could be that W1 confided in W2 that her marriage has had some problems, and W2 takes advantage of this. And, the comment from W1 to you, "think it over" could possibly refer to a lie told by W2 that you were flirting with W1's husband. (When in fact, W2 is the one trying for the husband; sociopaths are notorious for accusing their target of doing what they are actually guilty of.)

Is H1 better looking, better off financially, or something else than H2? W2 fawning over H1's parents to get close to H1 is the most obvious possibility but it's possible that the parents themselves are the goal. Sounds more like she wants the husband and ingratiating herself with the parents is one of several tactics i.e. Isolating W1 from all friends except herself, get close to the parents until they trust and like her so she can drop little "bombs" of insinuations about their son's wife, hanging around the children and subtle flirting w the husband, who knows. Sociopaths are scary and their motivations are very twisted.

If W2 can get the husband's parents to trust her, little lies about their son's wife will be believed and get back to the husband which will cause further problems between them. Many possibilities. You, op, may be someone on the fringe of this woman's agenda...keep us posted.

Sounds to me as if they think you've done/said something that you clearly haven't done/said. That either there's been a massive misunderstanding or someone's been shit-stirring.

I think I'd have to ask.

Sorry I got the wrong spouse
LittleBeauty has made some compelling suggestions. My son's father is a sociopath; I can't regret getting involved with him because ds is here, but christ is he twisted. Do not underestimate how fucked-up a sociopath's thoughts and behaviour can be.

I am admittedly passive aggressive and would want the last word. The friendship is a goner and I would but looking to not just burn the bridge but to nuke it and then poison the surrounding land with chemical weapons. You have been treated badly OP - I would have fun explaining in excruciating detail why you feel as you legitimately do.

I was dumped in a very similar way by a 'friend' I met when I was a new mother. We were part of a larger friendship group, and I only found out quite late on that events were happening that we weren't being invited to.

I was deeply hurt at the time, to be dropped by someone I thought was a really close friend. But with hindsight, I've realised that she was quite open about dropping friends she was no longer interested in, and was also quite snobby about wanting friends who had a certain level of income and a certain size of house, which we didn't have. The reason for dropping me was that I was suffering from depression, and she was honest enough (and unkind enough) to tell me 'I don't want to spend my time around someone who's depressed.'