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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off at parents' reaction to dog?

189 replies

MacarenaFerreiro · 30/05/2017 12:15

We have been thinking about getting a family dog for a few months. My kids are very excited about this idea and are old enough to understand the work which is involved with getting a dog. Yesterday we went to see puppies and put a deposit on one - she'll be coming home as soon as she's big enough to leave her mum.

Kids understandably excited about this and were desperate to share their news with everyone, including grandparents. My parents have made it clear in the past they very much disapprove of us getting a dog. To be clear - we live a fair distance from my parents, so it's not like i'm going to be expecting them to dogsit, have the dog while we're on holiday or be involved with the dog in any way at all. Plus I'm in my 40s, FFS and it's none of their business anyway.

When kids phoned Granny to tell her about the puppy she wouldn't even talk to them about it. They came off the phone quite deflated, "granny doesn't like us getting a puppy". AIBU to be a bit cross about this?

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 30/05/2017 17:28

Well this thread didn't disappoint...

Every. Single. Time.

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 17:30

This thread reminds me of the people who don't vaccinate their DCs and just repeat the same "we are happy that our decision is the best one for our family" with a PA Smile on the end

Grin
Original poster
MacarenaFerreiro · 30/05/2017 17:35

Why are some dog owners so dreadfully judgemental? Us getting a puppy from a breeder who we believe is responsible is a decision we're happy with for loads of reasons. I couldn't give two hoots if some random on a forum thinks we're irresponsible because we're getting a cute puppy rather than an adult staffie cross from a shelter, who may or may not have issues as its history is unknown. Our decision to get a puppy isn't impacting on anyone other than our family.

Turn your venom on the puppy farmers who are shipping underage dogs across from Europe or Ireland or irresponsible owners who don't neuter their dogs and end up with litter after litter of puppies they don't want. Or the numpties who buy dogs from Preloved or Gumtree.

OP posts:
oldhabitsanddyinghard · 30/05/2017 17:36

I sympathise OP.

Many rescues will not allow families with children, or families who work, to have a dog.

And as OP rightly says not all the dogs are suitable.

But I also sympathise with your parents. My dad was dreadful for this. Lovely man in many ways but anything at all - "I'm going on holiday; we are planning a trip; we're getting a dog" he'd moan about.

He's dead now. I love and miss him but I do NOT miss that!

Strokethefurrywall · 30/05/2017 17:39

I agree with you OP - there are so many posters frothing and demanding answers to their rapid fire questions. It's almost as if they themselves, require a satisfactory response before they can determine that you are, in fact, a responsible would be puppy owner.

And woe betide you if you don't answer correctly OP... Wink

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 30/05/2017 17:41

I've got a lab OP. Working type. He is fantastic, the puppy years were full on with lots of training but it was worth all the effort. He is a calm, well trained 5 year old now, exactly the dog we were looking for. I have 2 children with Autism and he has worked wonders with them. My eldest adores him , curls up with him, talks to him, they are best friends. My youngest is not keen on dogs but loves our own. He has never been bitey and the jumpy early days were easily trained out of him.

As for a dog being a tie. Well he is, but I knew that when we got one. I still manage to go out and see people and have a social life etc. Because he is well trained I have a small queue of people who will let him out (have a cuddle more like) or even look after him while we go on a short break, although we generally take him camping with us.

Small warning that nobody gave me about labs...they will eat anything and I mean anything. The worst thing mine ate was 2kg of chicken food...that wasn't fun. I met a lady whose dog had eaten about 30 fat balls (bird food) complete with nets.

Enjoy.

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 17:43

we're getting a cute puppy rather than an adult staffie cross from a shelter, who may or may not have issues as its history is unknown

Again, those aren't the only options. If you think they are you really haven't given this as much thought as you should could have.

nannybeach · 30/05/2017 17:43

I have 2 dogs, have had rescue dogs in the past, both had huge problems and agressive, not working with babies and small children,so all the ones since have been home reared puppies met parents, lovelly temperament. My (late) father didnt particularly like the idea of me having dogs. They werent thrust upon him, he hardly visited after my Mum died and he re-married and moved away. I have relatives now, who say "I dont like dogs". I might be a bit mean and laugh at the thought that your teenager kids will help walk the dog, but that could be the old cynic in me!! What sort of dog have you got?

BandeauSally · 30/05/2017 17:43

Turn your venom on the puppy farmers who are shipping underage dogs across from Europe or Ireland or irresponsible owners who don't neuter their dogs and end up with litter after litter of puppies they don't want. Or the numpties who buy dogs from Preloved or Gumtree.

Can't speak for anyone else but I already do.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 30/05/2017 17:45

Ignore. Not their home. Rather controlling.

PhuqIt · 30/05/2017 17:52

OP stop trying to justify your decision! You don't need to.

It's like saying "why have a child when there are plenty of children waiting to be adopted"

I don't regret my decision to by a breed puppy one bit. Rescue dogs are more suited to no-children families IMO.

Rightpivotturn · 30/05/2017 18:04

Happily, OP, I'm not a CP but I am someone who's very experienced with dogs and who advised you on your previous thread and will do so again that no reputable breeder would knowingly home a bouncy, slow to mature large breed dog to a home where a young girl is frightened of dogs.

As others have said, that is not careful, controlled exposure.

I stand by that advice, and if I was doing a homecheck for a rescue (which I do frequently) this would be a major red flag for me, and would lead me to advise against adopting/buying ANY dog, whether a pedigree, a rescue or anything else.

I also find it remarkable that you are not able to take up any of the excellent suggestions for helping your DD with her fear of dogs, including PAT dogs etc. especially as these are pretty widespread (and even, shock horror, include rescue dogs among their numbers).

You've said yourself that you have no experience in dog training yet you are going to be taking on a Lab pup (read the puppy threads on the Doghouse to get an idea of what that's like) and you are magically going to train it to amazing standards, while getting it through its biting phase (love those needle teeth), the jumping up phase and the not so cute bonkers teenager phase . Good luck with that.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 30/05/2017 18:15

I'll start with the negative:

Wtf are you thinking getting such a bouncey pup when your daughter is scared of dogs?! It will not be a little pup for long, it will grow quickly and will be bouncing around and jumping up. Yes, Labs are generally nice dogs BUT they are very bouncey until they mature. You have made a big and rather stupid mistake. You'll realise that in a few months when your 'pup' jumps up and scares your daughter. May even bite. Who the f**k buys a dog with someone in the house scared of them? You are being incredibly irresponsible.

On the positive side:

It's not always a puppy farm. I agree that often a pup is a safer bet with kids than a rescue. BUT the op is stupidly irresponsible and no decent breeder would EVER sell a pup to someone who has a child scared of dogs!

perper · 30/05/2017 18:17

^ This from Rightpivotturn is excellent.

I've read this with increasing levels of frustration, and also the thread in the doghouse.

  1. Anyone who claims that puppies from breeders are a safer bet than rescue dogs either has zero understanding of dogs, or is kidding themselves so that they feel less bad about their shallow decisions to prioritise a cute designer puppy that funds an out of control market and takes away a potential home from a needy dog living its life in a small kennel. It's absolute nonsense. Animals are ALWAYS an unknown, some more so than others, but whether they come from a breeder with a 'good reputation' is irrelevant.
  1. If a rescue refuses to rehome to you, the solution is not to get a puppy from a breeder. There is a good reason they won't rehome to you. (In response to someone else's comment about them having to buy from a breeder).
  1. If you really believe you need a puppy, there are plenty in rescues. Completely 'untainted' by their histories. The only difference is the price tag and the lack of designer label. Don't kid yourself.
  1. A labrador puppy (or any puppy) is not a sensible solution for a child with a fear of dogs. Visiting a calm, adult dog in controlled environments is. I suspect this poor puppy will join the thousands on gumtree or in rescues within a few months as it gets bigger, bouncier and less cute.
  1. You have been given enormous amounts of advice here and probably also from the grandparents, which you are choosing to ignore.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I cannot contain my frustration after reading some of these responses.

perper · 30/05/2017 18:23

And to clarify, I am not trying to say that breeders are 'evil' at all. They are just entirely unnecessary at the moment due to the dire situations that our rescues are in. Dogs (adults and puppies) of every breed are in rescues, and mixed breeds too- which almost always benefit from hybrid vigour and are much healthier.

My issue is with the idea that you can't take the risk of a rescue dog, so need a breeder's puppy. There are plenty in rescues that are ideal for family homes and are LESS of a risk than a bouncy puppy. Of course don't get one that the rescue has identified as suitable for quiet homes only, but plenty are earmarked as perfect for sensible families. If that's too much of a risk, then a puppy is too much of a risk full stop. The 'breeder' is irrelevant.

perper · 30/05/2017 18:26

And finally, the one clinical psychologist friend you have chatted with (as mentioned in the other thread) has behaved highly unprofessionally if they have genuinely recommended a getting a puppy in your daughter's current situation.

Either BS, or your friend needs more training, or your friend works in a completely separate field and is not qualified to be dishing out such ridiculous advice.

perper · 30/05/2017 18:28

(And now I'll get off my soapbox. Apologies for sounding so blunt- I don't mean to be rude, but I really do believe this is an important thing to get right. Smile )

user1495025590 · 30/05/2017 18:34

What will you do with it when you visit them?

Original poster
MacarenaFerreiro · 30/05/2017 18:46

Got to love threads where posters have more insight into our home, our children and conversations with friends/medical professionals than I do. Amazing psychic abilities on here sometimes.

Fed up of justifying myself.

PAT dogs not an option - under referral from NHS only, CAMHS refuse to see her as her phobia is classed as "mild".

Not interested in a mongrel puppy or a staffy cross which is pretty much all that's available locally.

We know what we're letting ourselves in for.

Apologies if we're not following the Mumsnet approved method for getting a dog, which pretty much seems to be seeking approval from everyone else and only considering a rescue.

Anyway. DD has talked nonstop about the puppy all day and was stroking and talking to a jumpy, mouthy cockerpoo pup when I dropped her brother at football. She'll be fine.

OP posts:
user1495025590 · 30/05/2017 18:52

WtAF! Just read your later post about one of your DC being afraid of dogs! Of course you shouldn't bring one into her home! It should be a place she feels comfortable and safe. Your mom has a lot more sense and empathy than you!
.

CotswoldStrife · 30/05/2017 18:56

Are you the poster who has a DH allergic to dogs and you're getting one Shock

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 30/05/2017 18:57

Macarena there is a huge difference between a jumpy, mouthy, cockerpoo pup and a big bouncy labrador, which is what it will be in no time.

Labs are notoriously bouncy nutcases in their 'teen' years.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 30/05/2017 18:58

Of course she likes the pup, all she sees is the pup, not what it will be in a few months. Even people who don't like dogs think puppies are cute

perper · 30/05/2017 18:59

Not interested in a mongrel puppy or a staffy cross which is pretty much all that's available locally

Heaven forbid a mongrel, what would the neighbours think?!

I think the 'insight' that we have comes from reading the many posts you have made that just don't add up.

You came here asking whether you were being unreasonable. Plenty of people have told you that you are, for various different reasons.

perper · 30/05/2017 19:01

And, for what it's worth, the advice you've been given here is far, far better than that which you have apparently received from your CP friend and the super-experienced and reputable breeder (if they were even informed of your daughter's issues).

Just some food for thought. At this point, your best bet is to lose the deposit rather than cause enormous stress and upset both for your family and for the poor puppy that gets no say in this.