Page 17 | To wonder what you would think if your OH said that

Poisongirl81 · 2017-05-29T17:38:43+00:00

Before being with you in his life he has had sex with men! A couple of times just for the sex. He's also had long term things with women and fancies me very much. Just don't know how to feel.

Beadoren · 02/06/2017 16:06

I think because the paradigm is this-

Lesbian sex = a turn on
Gay sex = a turn off because the men aren't real men.

I don't think there are many gay men who would disregard a partner because they once had sex with a woman. A lot of gay men have had sex with women before they 'realised' they were gay/came out etc.

And I really doubt and of them would be saying it made them less than a man because of it.

But there's almost a fetishised attitude towards lesbians, or any girls having "experimented" with a roommate at uni etc.

That's what my issue is.

Lasagnabreath · 02/06/2017 16:11

I see what you mean.

It's different when it's sex though I guess. It's the one thing we can all discriminate against and be allowed to without guilt. So I don't understand why you would have to explain why it's put you off.

I don't think the relationship should end because of past sexual encounters but, I can see why it could be off putting and if that attraction is lost it's hard to get back whether you love the person or not.

Beadoren · 02/06/2017 16:12

Jesus Christ. First I'm anti consent, now I'm pro sexual exploitation of minors.

I NEVER said that. It's agism because it's writing somebody off because of age. Younger is different because there's power asymmetry.

SummerKelly · 02/06/2017 16:13

For those who are offended that many of us wouldn't be attracted to bisexual men- why do you care?

Because this has happened to me and friends of mine, only I'm a woman not a man and it's really hurtful. And it's also hurtful to think that people perhaps wouldn't like me if they knew who I really was without me having to "admit" something to them. I don't like any prejudice against LGB people because it's just not right.

SummerKelly · 02/06/2017 16:15

Blazing

So you respect your daughters rights and encourage her not to do anything she doesn't want to but women on the internet don't deserve the same respect? Marvellous.

Er, I repeat what I said about my daughter, which is exactly what I'm saying here:

I bring my DD up to be thoughtful about the decisions she makes and to question assumptions about the world we live in. And that her body is her own and that she should never do anything she doesn't want to. The two are not mutually exclusive.

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 16:15

Nobody is offended. Why do people always pretend there is offense where there is none?

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 16:15

Nobody is offended. Why do people always pretend there is offense where there is none?

Lasagnabreath · 02/06/2017 16:16

Why is it wrong to write someone off due to their age? I'm 23 I wouldn't go with anyone above the age of say 40. (My partner turns 41 this year) why am I in the wrong for that? I'd find it too hard to deal with the very real issue of losing them very much sooner than my own death and I couldn't cope with that. I also want another child in the future and any older and I couldn't do that because it wouldn't be fair on a child to have an elderly father that they may lose very young. Why is that wrong? Explain in detail why that is wrong because in my book it's not and I think that no one should have to feel guilty for choosing who they want to be with and who they don't for whatever reasons.

Lasagnabreath · 02/06/2017 16:17

Please sort out why you keep double posting. I know it's irrational but it's really annoying.

Beadoren · 02/06/2017 16:17

It's not wrong.

Pallisers · 02/06/2017 16:17

Beadoran, so because there is a belief that straight men are turned on by the idea of women - even straight women - in a sexual encounter with women, women need to examine their motivations when they don't similarly fetishize gay male sex?

Why should my sexual preferences be called homophobic simply because some men and the porn industry fetishizes lesbian sex?

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 16:21

It's the site, it keeps posting twice when I only do it once. It doesn't happen anywhere else, there is nothing I can do about it!

Anyway, the issue at hand is not " would you write off a NEW partner because of past sexual acts" which would be one thing, but would you have problems with your actual partner of however long saying the same. It's a very different question.

Would you end your marriage, and split your children from their father because he had sex with a dude 20 years ago?

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 16:21

It's the site, it keeps posting twice when I only do it once. It doesn't happen anywhere else, there is nothing I can do about it!

Anyway, the issue at hand is not " would you write off a NEW partner because of past sexual acts" which would be one thing, but would you have problems with your actual partner of however long saying the same. It's a very different question.

Would you end your marriage, and split your children from their father because he had sex with a dude 20 years ago?

Pallisers · 02/06/2017 16:26

Because this has happened to me and friends of mine, only I'm a woman not a man and it's really hurtful.

Summerkelly, I'm sorry you find this really hurtful and while we live in a very different world now than even a few years ago for gay people, there is still a lot of discrimination and I can see your point about having to hide something that is intrinsic to your identity. And anyone who says gay sex is disgusting or unmanly/unwomanly is wrong too.

But sexual attraction/preference is deeply personal. If someone doesn't like you because you are bi, that is homophobic. But if someone doesn't want to have sex with you, surely it is just expressing a deeply held sexual preference.

My husband has a distinct preference for small dark-haired women. I can see it in the women he admires in films etc. He is unlikely to be bowled over by a tall blonde woman. Maybe it could happen but if it doesn't it isn't because he dislikes her or doesn't think she is interesting, he is simply not attracted to her. I feel the same about extremely hairy men - I really doubt I could get over it enough to get turned on, no matter how much I liked the guy.

DixieFlatline · 02/06/2017 16:29

Do you no sexual preferences at all? There's nothing about any person that might make you decline to have sex with them? What about someone 40 years older than you- would that make you ageist?

How about this question: if you said you wouldn't want to date someone 40 years older on a thread about age differences, and people asked you why that was, would you start wailing about PC gone mad and consent? Or would you be capable of thinking about what it is about that age gap that would put you off and consider sharing the answer?

Because there seem to be an awful lot of people here who can't manage that for this particular preference.

DixieFlatline · 02/06/2017 16:31

I'd find it too hard to deal with the very real issue of losing them very much sooner than my own death and I couldn't cope with that. I also want another child in the future and any older and I couldn't do that because it wouldn't be fair on a child to have an elderly father that they may lose very young.

Look, someone's already volunteered a considered answer! Not so hard after all...

Beadoren · 02/06/2017 16:32

Pallisers,

I think you are being naive to think this is some people in society and not a wider view held by men.

What I'm saying is that a little bit of experimentation for a girl doesn't define who she is. So once she got off with a mate at freshers, wasn't her thing, no biggie, exciting story to tell, nobody is saying she is less of a woman.

This is literally the same situation for a man and some people cannot seem to get the graphic idea of a penis in his mouth out of their head.

You say you have examined yourself so that's fine, but you're failing to recognise the extreme differences between how lesbian and gay sexual experimentation is consider by society at large. In fact you've just totally dismissed it. And that societal view that gay men are less manly /effeminate is what has informed your view.

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 16:33

But sexual attraction/preference is deeply personal. If someone doesn't like you because you are bi, that is homophobic. But if someone doesn't want to have sex with you, surely it is just expressing a deeply held sexual preference

But what if someone said "I've loved you for 10 years, we have 3 children and I liked sex with you but now I've found out you once had sex with someone of differing genitals thats all gone out of the window"?

Is that ok because ^people have different sexual preferences"?

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 16:33

But sexual attraction/preference is deeply personal. If someone doesn't like you because you are bi, that is homophobic. But if someone doesn't want to have sex with you, surely it is just expressing a deeply held sexual preference

But what if someone said "I've loved you for 10 years, we have 3 children and I liked sex with you but now I've found out you once had sex with someone of differing genitals thats all gone out of the window"?

Is that ok because ^people have different sexual preferences"?

Beadoren · 02/06/2017 16:35

There are very limited parallels to be drawn with the age thing. These are extremely well thought out practical reasons not to consider relationships with older men. There is no practical reason to end a relationship because somebody dabbled in gay sex years and years ago, it's purely based on the fact that you find gay sex disusting.

carjacker1985 · 02/06/2017 16:36

Baffled by the amount of people who want the right to have their sexual preferences (which obviously you should and can have and nobody here has suggested otherwise) without judgement, yet don't see a problem with that sexual preference being a result of judgement.

I don't fancy old men. That is ageist, and there is no point me pretending otherwise. Just like if I said I found all men who had engaged in homosexual sex unattractive, that would be homophobic- it would still be my right to have that opinion, but there would be no point pretending it wasn't based on homophobia.

SummerKelly · 02/06/2017 16:37

If someone doesn't like you because you are bi, that is homophobic. But if someone doesn't want to have sex with you, surely it is just expressing a deeply held sexual preference.

I think we don't really entirely understand where our sexual preferences come from, evidence generally suggests that it's a bit genetic/biological (there used to be all sorts of theories about testosterone in the womb!) and a bit environmental, like lots of things are. I don't think I'm asking individuals to understand why they might like what they like but just to reflect that their preference might have something to do with the way in which we are conditioned in society. I think what some of the differences in this discussion are because whereas some people think of their sexual preferences as a natural thing to them that perhaps they haven't had to think about much before, as someone who is on the receiving end I perceive it as irrational and unfair because whatever people think or know about bisexual people in general it doesn't necessarily apply to me as an individual.

Beadoren · 02/06/2017 16:46

How many of you can atleast accept that the view that gay sex makes a man less of a man is homophobic?

MouseClogs · 02/06/2017 16:50

This thread is an almighty clusterfuck.

As far as I can see nobody is claiming that people have an obligation to be 100% happy with a bisexual partner, nor to partake in anal sex, but all this tripe about "manly men" and unbelievably juvenile squeamishness about icky icky bottoms is frankly unbecoming of adult women.

Pallisers · 02/06/2017 17:03

How many of you can at least accept that the view that gay sex makes a man less of a man is homophobic?

Of course I accept that. But a lot of us who did not express that view were being told we also we were not thinking hard enough about our motivations and they were probably homophobic.