Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder what you would think if your OH said that

484 replies

Poisongirl81 · 29/05/2017 18:38

Before being with you in his life he has had sex with men! A couple of times just for the sex. He's also had long term things with women and fancies me very much. Just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
Beadoren · 02/06/2017 14:26

JESUS WEPT

Nobody is even remotely saying you don't have the right to chose who you sleep with. nobody. Not even once.

Maybe you can understand it this way.

If you only have Emma Bridgewater China in your house, and refuse to drink/eat out of anything else, because quite frankly if it isn't Emma Bridgewater it isn't good enough, somebody could say, that's a bit of a silly snobbish reason to base your crockery choice on. BUT AT NO POINT is anybody saying you do not have the right to make that selection or that you have a social/moral OBLIGATION to use other brands.

Except we aren't talking about cups. We're talking about people. And instead of writing things off because they are certain brands, you're writing them off because a few times the bumped uglies with another ugly of the same type of ugly.

But STILL nobody is saying you have to have sex with anybody. Can I make that any clearer? Is a diagram necessary.

Please stop hiding your homophobic views behind the issue of consent, it's incredibly dismissive of the actual issue of consent.

SummerKelly · 02/06/2017 14:27

I'm not attracted to men who have sex with other men. All there is to it.

So you discriminate based on sexual orientation?

Blazingpups · 02/06/2017 14:29

She is allowed to discriminate on whatever the hell she likes when it's her having sex with them!

Blazingpups · 02/06/2017 14:37

This thread is, quite frankly ridiculous.

Have sex with who you want to have sex with, it's as simple as that.

No wonder we are bringing up girls with issues around consent when we are teaching them that they must have a valid reason for not having sex with somebody.

Attraction, gut instinct, personal preference? Forget all of those because they're not good enough reasons.

SummerKelly · 02/06/2017 14:38

She is allowed to discriminate on whatever the hell she likes when it's her having sex with them!

Yes we know that, it's the why we're not clear on.

RavioliOnToast · 02/06/2017 14:41

The fact he'd slept with men wouldn't bother me. I've had sex with women before meeting DH. Doesn't mean anything. I'd be concerned about his preference of anal though. Is he wishing you were someone else?

HildaOg · 02/06/2017 14:44

It's not homophobic to not want a partner who sleeps with other men. Some people want to know that the person they're planning to spend their life with is 100% straight. They don't want to risk being someones beard.

Personally I prefer men who are bi, for the simple reason that I can get them to entertain me by doing things with other men that no straight man would ever do. No straight man will ever experiment with another man.. Any who tells you they are is in denial about their sexuality. When a man is open to having sex with another man, he is either bi or gay. Women are entitled not to trust or want to get involved in that if that's not what they're into.

We all have the right to decide our own boundaries and what we want in a partner. Nobody has the right to dictate that for another person.

Blazingpups · 02/06/2017 14:45

summer thanks for a perfect example of my previous post. It's not good enough that she doesn't want sex with him she must explain why. I hope you don't have daughters.

Pallisers · 02/06/2017 14:47

No-one has said why, just cos.

I have. Several times. I had a relationship with someone bi in my early 20s and it was not a good experience. I will not be repeating it.

Does that meet your standards of "valid reason"?

No wonder we are bringing up girls with issues around consent when we are teaching them that they must have a valid reason for not having sex with somebody.

Yes indeed.

SummerKelly · 02/06/2017 14:52

summer thanks for a perfect example of my previous post. It's not good enough that she doesn't want sex with him she must explain why. I hope you don't have daughters.

I bring my DD up to be thoughtful about the decisions she makes and to question assumptions about the world we live in. And that her body is her own and that she should never do anything she doesn't want to. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Blazingpups · 02/06/2017 14:59

So you respect your daughters rights and encourage her not to do anything she doesn't want to but women on the internet don't deserve the same respect? Marvellous.

Beadoren · 02/06/2017 15:11

Fuck sake. Consent isn't the issue here. The op was asking what you would think of your oh said this, and people have said that would find them grotesque and no longer a man.

You can use whatever reason you want to remove consent before or during a relationship.

Shall I say that 100000000 more times.

The fact that people are being asked to explain their views is because this is the actual topic of the tread.

Relax, the PEECEE brigade of "cool mums" are not going to begin assigning grotesque bisexual people to your daughters unless they can come up with a pc enough reason to decline them sex.

I honesty cannot understand how much logic has been bent and stretched in this thread.

To summaries. Your vagina belongs to you. No, it is not an equal opportunities zone, yes, we all generally make discriminations.

If you are basing your (absolute right to) discrimination on the basis of a homosexual encounter which you consider makes a man "less manly" or grotesque, that descrimintation is homophobic and sexists. But you're allowed to have it.

Blazingpups · 02/06/2017 15:30

bead are you deliberately focusing on those 2 reasons grotesque/less manly and disregarding the other reasons given for a purpose?

Yes the discussion wasn't started about consent but if you can't see women's reasons for not having sex with someone written off as not good enough or being labelled with offensive descriptors as not having an impact on sex as a wider issue including consent then I suggest you educate yourself.

Chattymummyhere · 02/06/2017 15:37

If my dh just came home from work and told me that before we get together he used to enjoy one up the bum. I would leave him it would be the lie (we know how many people we have slept with and names as a silly teen game type thing) and to be honest I just would not be able to look at him the same way knowing he sucked penis or had one in his bum or that he would let another man suck his or put his inside him. Nope total non starter for me. Enough to make my fanny dry up for all eternity for that person.

I'm all for being gay/bi/lesbian if you want to be and that is your right but it's my right not to want to sexually engage with a gay/bi man.

Schleeping · 02/06/2017 15:44

For those who are offended that many of us wouldn't be attracted to bisexual men- why do you care? Everyone's different. There are many women on the thread who are happy to sleep with men who have previously had gay sex, it's an issue for some and not for others. Live and let live!

Schleeping · 02/06/2017 15:45

chattymum

I agree a total turn off. Knowing my partner had sucked a penis would turn me off completely. Just as I wouldn't secretly fancy my gay male friends- not because I'm a homophobe but because they're gay!

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 15:46

I agree a total turn off. Knowing my partner had sucked a penis would turn me off completely

But WHY? No-one can actually answer this. What does that tell you?

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 15:46

I agree a total turn off. Knowing my partner had sucked a penis would turn me off completely

But WHY? No-one can actually answer this. What does that tell you?

Beadoren · 02/06/2017 15:48

Nobody is writing them off.

Educated enough over here thanks. Educated enough to understand that gay people are just people and sexual encounters are just that.

Schleeping · 02/06/2017 15:50

It's a total turn off because I want the man I sleep with to be 100% straight! I'm not sexually attracted to gay men. Doesn't mean I hate them. I'm not sexually attracted to women. Don't hate them either. Choosing who you have in your bed is much more nuanced than you're attempting to make out.

Lasagnabreath · 02/06/2017 15:50

Because they don't want to picture a penis in the mouth of the man they are kissing. Being straight means you want to be with a guy who only likes women. (For me it wouldn't bother me at all) for others it does, there doesn't need to be a reason.

It doesn't make you homophobia to be straight and put off by the idea of gay sex. You can still respect a gay persons right without having to be gay or enjoy gay typical things.

No one needs to explain why they get put off by certain things ever.

I'm put off guys who shave. No reason needed I just like a hairy man.

Lasagnabreath · 02/06/2017 15:50

Homophobic rather*

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 15:51

I'm not sexually attracted to gay men

Well if he married you and has sex with you, he's not gay, is he? So that answer doesn't answer anything.

LiveLongAndProspero · 02/06/2017 15:51

I'm not sexually attracted to gay men

Well if he married you and has sex with you, he's not gay, is he? So that answer doesn't answer anything.

Schleeping · 02/06/2017 15:51

Beadoren You have your views- why is it such a problem to you that not everyone shares them? Are you as offended by gay men or lesbians who say they wouldn't have sex with a bi person as they prefer not to?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.