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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To formula feed baby despite OH's objections.

513 replies

Herbie22 · 29/05/2017 17:08

DD is 5 weeks old and exclusively breast fed. I am finding this tough because she is either on the boob or upset.
This is my first baby so I'm not sure what I am doing. I think she might not be getting enough from me as she needs near constant feeds. I would like to top her up with formula as I literally do nothing all day/night but feed her. I know that it's hard work a newborn but I can't even walk down the road to the shops without her screaming. I don't get to see anyone and it is making me sad and lonely.

I tried to speak to OH about this and he said that he doesn't want her on formula. He said that I am making enough milk because she is gaining weight. I don't think she is gaining it fast enough though which worries me.
I also wonder if she would sleep better if she was formula fed. I am up nearly all night feeding her at the moment which is another reason I think I'm not producing enough milk as she won't settle.
I don't want to give up BF completely. Maybe just supplement her feeding but at the moment I feel like I've lost all my zest for life because all I do is sit either on the sofa or on my bed feeding. It is also damaging my relationship with OH as we can't even have dinner without DD wanting to be fed (though I do feed her just before) and I'm starting to resent him getting to do things, even popping to Tesco, without a baby attached to him.
I know I sound horribly ungrateful as I am so blessed to have DD! I just want to be able to do things other than feed her!

OP posts:
NotYoda · 29/05/2017 17:35

I've formula fed two babies

Yes, they feed a lot. bUt not as much as bf babies and not from you and you alone. How anyone can argue that the same issues affect bfeeders and fffeeders is beyond me.

What you need to decide is how motivated you are to weather this and carry on or whether it's affecting you too deeply.

LapinR0se · 29/05/2017 17:35

That's not right either pain

FatOldBag · 29/05/2017 17:35

Every time he pops out to do something, Tesco or whatever, give him the baby to take with him. You get an hour's rest and he may soon see your point of view! Or tell him eff off, he can't tell you what you have to do with your boobs.

bailz · 29/05/2017 17:35

There is a difference between breast milk and formula. To those who say otherwise, its simply not true. Breast milk is 100% natural and has hundreds of benefits that you'll already know about so I won't list them. Formula is also amazing, but made in a factory and doesn't have as many benefits as breast milk. Formula has, however, saved lives and is very important.
I have no doubt that for many, formula feeding has been fantastic, but please don't think that breast milk and formula are the same. They're not.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 29/05/2017 17:36

Hmm I'd cut off that comment instantly and make it known that you may get the joke but that it isn't funny and if he wants to be that way he can step out for an hour.

Original poster
Herbie22 · 29/05/2017 17:36

I should also say she does have a dummy. Which gives me some respite to get a glass of water or pop to the toilet ect. Oh dear. Why can't men produce milk!

OP posts:
PainCanBeBeautiful · 29/05/2017 17:36

How is it not right if I lived it?

WellErrr · 29/05/2017 17:37

Herbie that was an awful thing for him to say. I'm sorry Flowers

lapin is right though. Cluster feeding is normal but CONSTANT feeding is not and there is help out there.

LapinR0se · 29/05/2017 17:37

pain I'm sure it happened to you but that doesn't mean it's a good situation.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 29/05/2017 17:38

Why not try to express (don't go for a hand pump as they are ridiculously painful after a while) and get him to give a bottle or two? Or maybe have a morning and a night bottle of formula so you get a lay in and a more relaxed night?

PainCanBeBeautiful · 29/05/2017 17:38

I didn't say it was good Confused

NapQueen · 29/05/2017 17:38

Does he pull his weight with other stuff? Nappies, bathing her, housework?

AyeAmarok · 29/05/2017 17:40

He is now telling DD "Mummy said she doesn't like you anymore." I know he's saying it as a joke

Not. Fucking. Funny.

What does your DH do with your DD? Nappies, bath, putting to bed, play,walks with the pram-wise?

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/05/2017 17:41

I have to say ff made a huge difference with dd1. I could put her down and wasn't glued to a sofa. You won't k ow til you try but for me it was bliss to eat a meal and bath. I didn't even jeed do to help out as there was enough if a gap and the ability to put her down.

I lasted 3 weeks so 5 is fab.

Feed however you want. Your boobs your choice.

MissShittyBennet · 29/05/2017 17:42

The partner might be 50% of the baby, but he isn't 50% of OPs breasts. Unless and until he can lactate, no he doesn't get any say. Because having a say would also mean having a say in how another human's body is used.

That so many posters recognise this is an unremitting positive. Nothing this particular husband has said is in any way nice. Nor even acceptable.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/05/2017 17:42

Tell him right now to stop the wanky comments about you not liking her. That is beyond the pale Angry.

gillybeanz · 29/05/2017 17:42

Tell your oh to get his boobs out then, if he wants his child breast fed.
Oh no he cant, so he gets NO say.

I wish I had continued to breastfeed and was so upset when I stopped, but tiredness had taken it's toll and I'd become so depressed.
I also thought wasn't producing enough.

Speak to your hv or midwife about your concerns and then do what is right for you. Thanks

Lweji · 29/05/2017 17:43

What is saying is one of those things that are nasty but disguised as a joke.

Tell him to stop it.

He doesn't sound quite right, TBH, as he doesn't seem to be kind to you at all.
What's stopping him taking care of the baby while you get some free time to go to Tesco/meet your friends or whatever?

There's only one answer to him: when he starts making milk then he can choose to exclusively breastfeed the baby.

Topseyt · 29/05/2017 17:43

He does not get to dictate, especially as it isn't him who has to breastfeed 24/7. Who the fuck does he think he is?

I would even say that there is no such thing as a joint decision when it comes to whether or not to formula feed or breastfeed a baby. It is quite simply your body, so YOU decide. Not him.

Give formula if you want to. I did after only 4 days with DD1, and from day 1 with DDs 2 & 3. DD1 was immediately a much more settled baby after her first bottle. I never looked back and all three thrived on formula.

Go out at the next opportunity to get formula, bottles etc. If OH even starts to protest then tell him that until he has sat up for 24 hours a day for days and weeks on end constantly trying to breastfeed a hungry newborn he cannot possibly have the remotest idea how overwhelming and exhausting it is. Tell him that for that reason he does not get to decide. You do. Then just do it if you wish.

I formula fed, but plenty of people mix feed successfully too.

NotYoda · 29/05/2017 17:44

Pain

"A lot of posters on here clearly don't value their partners as also being 50% of the baby and who should also get some say
Yes he can't make you breastfeed if you don't want to but it is nice to hear a man have a view on it and wanting the best start in life for his child"

Yes

I took the view that my DH could do half the formula feeding too... it was a lovely bonding time for them. So, swings and roundabouts

BattleaxeGalactica · 29/05/2017 17:45

He is now telling DD "Mummy said she doesn't like you anymore."

WTF?!

He sounds like an arse. I'm sorry he's making these first few weeks so hard for you.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 29/05/2017 17:45

That's all well and good and I agree with you so not sure on what your comment is getting at exactly.

However, lets flip this. What about if the husband wanted to formula feed so he could get involved, would it still only be the ops choice?

BeaveredBadgered · 29/05/2017 17:45

Tiny babies are such hard work. You're doing amazingly. Your 'D'P is being a total dick with the comments he's making.

I'd definitely recommend that you talk to your GP about feeling low and lonely. Do you have someone else to talk to? Mum, sister, a friend?

Whatever you decide to do, your DD will be absolutely fine as long as she's fed. Mixed feeding can be done very successfully- a friend of mine has just mixed fed for six months. Formula at night and breast milk in the day. She started this from day dot.

In my (limited) experience (my own DD and friends babies) I think there is a trend with FF overnight promoting longer stretches of sleeping.

You're not alone- so many of us have found it tough in the early days. If you can link up with other new mums locally you'll see that everyone has their struggles.

TheLegendOfBeans · 29/05/2017 17:46

Re; "mummy doesn't like you anymore" - your DH sounds like a bit of a douche.

Your DH can have input into decisions about feeding but he sounds dictatorial as opposed to supportive and encouraging you to look at things from all sides.

I still maintain that overall it's your body and he doesn't get to make the rules on that front.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/05/2017 17:46

The latest comment from your husband is totally unacceptable. If he doesn't understand how hurtful and undermining that comment is then he really isn't going to be able to support you, however you choose to feed.

If he really wants to support you with feeding he needs to be doing as much as possible bar the feeding. That will give you as much respite as possible. If your baby has just been fed then there's no reason why you can't leave her with your husband and go for a sleep/walk/whatever. If she cries he'll have to find his own way of comforting her.

It might be worth getting her checked for tongue tie, as that can cause inefficient milk transfer and so overly frequent feeding.

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