Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To formula feed baby despite OH's objections.

513 replies

Herbie22 · 29/05/2017 17:08

DD is 5 weeks old and exclusively breast fed. I am finding this tough because she is either on the boob or upset.
This is my first baby so I'm not sure what I am doing. I think she might not be getting enough from me as she needs near constant feeds. I would like to top her up with formula as I literally do nothing all day/night but feed her. I know that it's hard work a newborn but I can't even walk down the road to the shops without her screaming. I don't get to see anyone and it is making me sad and lonely.

I tried to speak to OH about this and he said that he doesn't want her on formula. He said that I am making enough milk because she is gaining weight. I don't think she is gaining it fast enough though which worries me.
I also wonder if she would sleep better if she was formula fed. I am up nearly all night feeding her at the moment which is another reason I think I'm not producing enough milk as she won't settle.
I don't want to give up BF completely. Maybe just supplement her feeding but at the moment I feel like I've lost all my zest for life because all I do is sit either on the sofa or on my bed feeding. It is also damaging my relationship with OH as we can't even have dinner without DD wanting to be fed (though I do feed her just before) and I'm starting to resent him getting to do things, even popping to Tesco, without a baby attached to him.
I know I sound horribly ungrateful as I am so blessed to have DD! I just want to be able to do things other than feed her!

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 29/05/2017 18:11

Your boobs, your choice

If you want to give her formula give her formula

Original poster
Herbie22 · 29/05/2017 18:11

I have tried expressing but because she feeds so much I don't get much opportunity to do so!

OP posts:
ChopinLisztFinder · 29/05/2017 18:11

I'm another one to vote for you getting a check for tongue tie, which can cause poor feeding technique which in turn messes up the "demand and supply" part of breastfeeding.

I feel like some people aren't recognising the difference between cluster feeding (feeding for up to a few hours nearly constantly) and your experience of constant feeding around the clock.

What you're experiencing is not normal.

I dislike that some replies are belittling your experience and are treating you like you're not tough enough.

I had a similar experience to you. I was trying to survive on 1 or 2 x 10 minute naps per day. I started hallucinating and started fantasising about having an accident so I could sleep (either in hospital or being dead). It turned out that DS had a severe tongue tie which we had cut. Unfortunately, even with NHS and private lactation consultant help, his feeding technique did not improve and he kept losing weight. We changed to combination feeding with formula and my life changed. It was clear just how hungry and unhappy he must have been before.

Yes, it's true that formula isn't as optimal as breast milk, but it saved 2 lives in my little family. I wish that I had tried it sooner.

myshinynewusername · 29/05/2017 18:12

Its very easy to be evangelical about breast feeding when you are not the one who actually has to do it.

Seems to me that the baby you need to worry about most is your OH.

Fuck him. Do what you want to do. If he wants an opinion on it, tell him that when he carries a baby for 9 months and then births it, he can have a full veto on how it is fed.

paxillin · 29/05/2017 18:13

Mummy doesn't like you anymore - Awww, Daddy never liked you enough to get prolactin injections. If he did, he'd produce lovely breast milk for you.

FatOldBag · 29/05/2017 18:14

A lot of posters on here clearly don't value their partners as also being 50% of the baby and who should also get some say
Yes he can't make you breastfeed if you don't want to but it is nice to hear a man have a view on it and wanting the best start in life for his child

Just no. It's really sad for you that you don't know what a supportive partner looks like, I'll give you a clue: It's not this. He's only interested in telling his dw what to do with the baby, not doing anything to help, or even listening to what her difficulties are.

It's great that he knows "breast is best", but his attitude of "so make it happen and I'm off out" is shitty. If it was "so what can I do to help?" that would be great 50/50 parenting and helping baby get the best start in life.

ChopinLisztFinder · 29/05/2017 18:17

@Herbie22 I couldn't express either. DH would spend 20 minutes bouncing and pacing with DS to soothe his cries while I tried to express. He'd just come off the boob, so there was literally not enough time to express.

20 minutes would only get half an ounce anyway.

Ummbopdoowap · 29/05/2017 18:17

I feel like some people aren't recognising the difference between cluster feeding (feeding for up to a few hours nearly constantly) and your experience of constant feeding around the clock.

It was normal for me. It really was. If she my dd did have tongue tie nobody picked up on it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/05/2017 18:17

I took so long posting (ironically, cos I was giving DD a nice bottle of formula) that I missed his 'joke'. What a wanker. I also missed this post:

A lot of posters on here clearly don't value their partners as also being 50% of the baby and who should also get some say.

Now, ok, I'm biologically 0% of my baby, but I am her legal mother and I am quite sure I'm as close to her as any other parent - and I just don't see how my views on what DP does with her breasts has any bearing on the issue. I just don't get it. So that's one anecdote to stand against the implication that this is all MNers not valuing their partners. It isn't. It's just the commonsense view that the person whose breasts are lactating, is the person who makes the call.

OP, out of curiosity (and this shouldn't have any bearing on your decision to stop or not stop), would your partner consider doing the following to support you:

  • getting you a drink whenever you sit down to feed.
  • doing the cleaning/laundry/food prep
  • getting up with you in the night and getting you that drink, and perhaps also something to snack on to keep your energy up. *getting up in the night to bring you the baby, and maybe put something on TV to help you stay awake.

or, most importantly:

  • trying things with the baby to calm it. Can he take the baby for a walk in the garden, or a pram ride round the streets. Can he try different holds - tiger in the tree, over his shoulder, etc? Can he do this for quite a long time, to see if it makes a difference?

My baby's fussy today. It's true that if I gave her back to DP to put on the breast, she'd stop fussing. But she'd fall asleep with her hand on the breast - she's not feeding. She just wants to know she's snuggled up with someone. And she'll settle with me if I take enough time to figure out what's making her feel secure and comfy. And the less I do that (or the less your partner does that), the less the baby will associate him with comfort and security, so the harder it will be for him to settle her at all. And the more he'll hand her back to you for an easy fix.

I'm not suggesting your partner should be doing all these things all of the time, but if he were to try doing them a fair amount, he'd perhaps see why BF isn't the magic answer to everything.

friends123 · 29/05/2017 18:18

I would try a formula top up then. Whatever keeps you sane. It won't hurt to try, your lo needs a happy mum. X

Applesandpears23 · 29/05/2017 18:18

Your partner is being a dick. However you are nearly through the hardest bit of establishing breastfeeding. Most women agree it gets easier from 8-12 weeks. Formula now could disrupt your supply and many women find that mixed feeding doesn't work for them and end up feeding formula. Have you got a sling? At this age a stretchy one like a moby is best. You could put baby in a sling and get out of the house for a bit. Do you have any friends who you would feel comfortable feeding in front of? Having company for this bit can make it easier to bear.

Bubblysqueak · 29/05/2017 18:20

Is she actually feeding all of the time or is she using you ad a dummy for comfort? My ds was on the booby constantly and it turned out he was only feeding part of the time, the rest was for comfort. I gave him a dummy on the advice of hv and it got so much better. He only used me for food then, rather than ducking for comfort.

TurquoiseDress · 29/05/2017 18:21

@Herbie22
Also, the baby can benefit from daddy's warmth & heartbeat while feeding.

Why should it just be the mother who can provide this?

My DH did a lot of skin to skin in the early weeks- and he really enjoyed the experience.

Ok maybe not every partner is up for this, but if your partner is keen/happy to be more involved, then certainly encourage it

NapQueen · 29/05/2017 18:21

A supoortive partner would do one or more of the following:-
*research bf support
*encourage bfing by being there for as much of it as poss with drinks, encouragement, doing the winding
*reassuring op that five weeks worth of bm is a brilliant start in life regardless of next steps
*acknowledge that mixed feeding would help op
*acknowledge the time and energy op is putting into feeding
*understand and listen to ops concerns and not ride roughshod over them
*ultimately understand and express his support for op and her body by accepting that she may want to stop or reduce bfs
*not belittle her to their baby

Ummbopdoowap · 29/05/2017 18:21

LRDtheFeministDragon I completely agree.

felinewonderful · 29/05/2017 18:22

Yanbu I have used a combination of formula and breast for my dcs. Mental health of the mother is extremely important. Please don't feel guilty about introducing formula if it suits you and your baby. Your baby will still be getting the nutrients from breastmilk.

Ummbopdoowap · 29/05/2017 18:23

And NapQueen.

I firmly believe women should be supported and informed to make the right decision for them when it comes to feeding their baby. I hate how polarised it is (by some people).

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/05/2017 18:24

@Herbie22 - you have given your baby an amazing start by breastfeeding for this long. Breastfeeding really is an amazing thing to do for your baby. Your dh should be giving you huge credit for what you have done, especially as it is such hard work for you at the moment.

But if you decide to formula feed from now on, your baby will be fine, and your dh needs to understand this. I formula fed all three of my sons (I had lots of struggles with breastfeeding, and one of my sons ended up in hospital, with the staff muttering 'failure to thrive'), and they all grew up just fine - better than fine, in my (entirely unbiased, of course) opinion.

They are all healthy, sporty, active, intelligent young men, who show no signs at all of having suffered due to my decision to formula feed them.

Chickpearocker · 29/05/2017 18:27

I formula fed and my life continued as normal, went out regularly, ate my meals, showered, did my make up etc. I don't understand why people are saying babies feed constantly? I offered a bottle every few hours but anyone could have fed him, I was able to do my own things. I really don't think your life needs to be like this OP unless you want to be attached all the time which is fine.

It sounds like your husband has no empathy.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 29/05/2017 18:27

fat go back and read all of my comments please. I had a very supportive partner he would settle them when they cried if I needed a break, cooked and cleaned and would do baths and nappies. Don't tell me that I don't k ow what a supportive partner looks like because you chose to mis read ONE of my many comments.

happydays00 · 29/05/2017 18:28

OP the only person you really need to listen to here is yourself. If you want to try formula feeding to supplement your DD , do it. The people telling you "it will make no difference" don't know that. There is no certainty with babies as all of them are completely different and you cannot know how each one will react.

Try it, it won't hurt and contrary to some of the previous posters, many people successfully combine FF and BF with huge amount of success. Even if she is still wanting to feed constantly at least your DP (or hopefully friends or other family) can support with a bottle at weekends or during the day/evening.

Flowers flowers for you OP, the first few weeks with your first born are a total shit storm and you have done fantastically well to get this far so please do not feel guilt for trying formula. Happy mum, happy baby and all that.

blue2014 · 29/05/2017 18:29

I haven't read the thread but:

  1. It does start to get easier soon, it really should
  1. DS is eBF and is 6 months. I seriously wished I had added in a bottle of formula here and there when he was younger as it'd be easier than doing it now. I know some will say I'm wrong on that but if I had another child (which I won't) I would mix fed, better formula than an exhausted mum.
  1. His joke isn't funny, tell him MN told him he's being a dick
catgirl1976 · 29/05/2017 18:30

I topped up with formula and it was great

Gave me a break, I felt happier that DS was getting enough milk, DH enjoyed doing some feeds.

It was brilliant

Do what works for you and your baby and ignore your DH as PPs have said he's not the one doing all the work (and it is hard work when they are cluster feeding!)

FatOldBag · 29/05/2017 18:31

LRD well said. Assuming you're a woman, would your dc settle to your breast at all, do you think? Out of comfort. I think I'd try that if I was in a position to - not with dh's hairy chest though!!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/05/2017 18:31

Also - lots of people are warning you about the possibility your supply might not recover. I know this is a risk, but I think it's also important to know you can also improve your supply later. All but one of the babies in our NCT group had some formula in the first weeks, and it's only two of us who've not gone onto EBF later.