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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable?

269 replies

BloodInMyCaffeineStream · 29/05/2017 12:41

Yesterday person A had a long day at work. They left at 0730 and arrived home at 2220. Person B had been home with person A and person B's toddler. Person A had a very busy and stressful day, hadn't been able to eat or drink for 10 hours or so.
Person A arrived home to find person B sitting on the sofa, washing up not done and stuff all over the side. They had insisted on waiting for person A to eat and had just put some salmon in the oven and made a salad. The salmon ended up undercooked and the salad had dirt on it after being washed. Person A points this out, person b starts aggressively washing the salad, throwing it about. Person A puts their head in their hands saying they can't cope with this shit. Person B starts shouting about what a difficult day they gave had with their toddler (person b works full time mon-fri 9-5), this culminates in a blazing row. Person A calls person B a horrible person and swears at them. Person B swears back and goes to sleep in another room.
Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 29/05/2017 18:00

You both sound like dickheads, especially you OP for this person A and B bollocks.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 29/05/2017 18:10

I am fronting NHS staff in a demanding role, my husband needs constant reminding to do household chores whilst I'm on duty. I do however hope I'm not as much of a pain in the arse as you.
I think you need to get a grip.
YABU.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/05/2017 18:12

You both sound like infuriating twats frankly.

Person A, person B - FFSif you'd spent half the time it took to draft your OP to communicate with Person B then perhaps you'd be able to sort yourselves out.

RhiWrites · 29/05/2017 20:05

Why are people guessing A is a nurse? I think A is a surgeon, hence the 15 hours with no food or water. Must have been a gruelling surgery.

Look OP, one incident isn't going to give a whole picture. You think your husband isn't pulling his weight and is pissing about by undercooking salmon and badly washing salad. But what honestly do you think he would say about the incident?

Ecureuil · 29/05/2017 20:31

Im still laughing at 'aggressively washing salad'. Poor salad

Trifleorbust · 29/05/2017 20:44

I can tell just from the selective posting style who I think is the unreasonable one Hmm

Gabilan · 29/05/2017 20:56

Why are people guessing A is a nurse?

I was disappointed by that. Could equally well be a doctor so why think nurse?

Also as far as I can work out, it was a 15 hour day, 10 or so without food or water. Which is bad, but not as bad.

ChangingNameAgainCosOfTheMail · 29/05/2017 20:58

I get it.

I work from home and handke most of the house, meals and kids stuff because I'm there and DH has an epic commute. But I do see it as my doing three jobs (wraparound childcare, my actual work, and housekeeper/cook) to his one, albeit stressful, job.

So I admit, it reallllllllllyy gets on my tits when I'm out of the house all day on a rare occasion and all the normal house/kids/meals duties fall to him, and I come home and fuck all has been done.

I manage to keep the oils wheeled day in day out. He goes to work, comes home, might empty the dishwasher or put some laundry away but for the most part everything is taken care of by me.

I would love to come home from work and someone have already cooked for me. Why can I manage to do it all the time, but he can't manage to do it once?

Infuriating as the A B thing is, I do get where op is coming from.

PoorYorick · 29/05/2017 21:02

Obscuring the genders is always annoying and gets people's backs up. First of all, it's jarring and confusing to read. Secondly, it shows that the OP doesn't trust us to give a fair and unbiased response if we know the genders. Which is insulting and makes you wonder why they bother to ask for our opinions if they don't think we're smart enough to be fair about it.

And it's especially stupid when it's so blindingly obvious which person the OP is.

Florene · 29/05/2017 21:03

My original guess was police officer, as often go without breaks, have no access to food/water if on a scene or similar.

But then A clarified as NHS. So I have assumed surgeon, carrying out several hours of complex surgery in one go.

fannyanddick · 29/05/2017 21:09

Person a was u.

TathitiPete · 29/05/2017 23:06

Person A - Person MU (more unreasonable)
Person B - Person LU (less unreasonable)

And just a reminder; Person MU is female, Person LU is male.

MadAsFluff · 29/05/2017 23:13

Person A sounds like a rude, entitled arse!
HTH

RebelRogue · 30/05/2017 00:20

Person B. I don't give a shit.. if you're at home you do stuff. Valid for whatever sex you are.

HopefulHamster · 30/05/2017 00:33

Seriously can't believe B was sitting down. If they'd been crouching, lying somewhere, stretching in a corner - all fine. But sitting down, despicable.

I'm sure your day was objectively worse, but person b is not you and also had a tough day from their point of view and that's why they decided to take the risky position of sitting down.

You said they were horrible and swore at them. I hope you said sorry.

Rachel0Greep · 30/05/2017 00:37

C

Ecureuil · 30/05/2017 05:55

If DH got home from a day at work to see me sitting down and dinner not ready, and dishes in the sink, and he proceeded to put his head in his hands and wail that he couldn't take this shit any more, I'd think he'd lost the plot a bit.

FlapAttack88 · 30/05/2017 07:37

rebelrogue OP person A ... is that you?!

BorisTrumpsHair · 30/05/2017 09:10

Competitive tiredness is a relationship killer.

Fuck the salmon. Get a curry.

You were both U. Please stop it now and be kind to each other.

corythatwas · 30/05/2017 09:20

I remember the days of our early marriage when dh used to come home tired and moan at me simply for not having had his horrible day. It didn't last. We found Boris' mantra of "Please stop it now and be kind to each other" was a better plan.

bluejelly · 30/05/2017 09:23

My partner and I both have busy jobs, a long commute and both occasionally work from home. Sometimes I get home from work when he's been WFH and the house is a tip. Sometimes it is when I'm
WFH. It means the day has been busy - nothing more nothing less. I would equate managing a toddler to WFH!

SpecialStains · 30/05/2017 09:27

Next time, call ahead and let your partner know you're 30mins from home so they can get dinner on.

Dh always calls as he leaves work (I'm on mat leave) so I can set dinner going. On the odd occasion it's the other way round I always call ahead too. Dh often doesn't get a lunch break either so is always starving when he gets in. You could also keep a cereal bar in your bag to eat as you leave work.

If there were set jobs you wanted doing in the daytime, had you asked your partner to do them if they had time? If this is part of a wider problem you need to talk to your partner about it.

YellowDinosaur · 30/05/2017 09:31

So person A is senior in an acute speciality. Yesterday was unusually busy

I'm a consultant surgeon in the NHS. I wouldn't be able to eat if I was operating. However during operations lasting longer than 5 hours or so, usually you have a quick comfort break so you can have a wee, a drink and a bite to eat. Anything else is unsafe.

I can't think of a single other situation where it wouldn't be possible, however busy you are, to grab a quick sandwich and a glass of water. Difficult, yes. But in busy acute specialities it's more important than ever to make time for this and you're not helping your patients or your staff if you don't. You'd make the 5-10 minutes up that would take it the first hour by being more efficient after a short break.

Moreover, if you are senior it's important to lead by example and show your junior colleagues that they can't do a good job caring for others if they don't first look after themselves.

emilybrontescorset · 30/05/2017 09:34

With all due respect person b should have prepared s decent meal for person a and the washing up should have been done.
Regardless of the fact both a and b work.
I'm a Working single parent and I do all the washing up gardening and household chores.
The NHS is in dire straits and will get much worse if the conservatives are reelected.
I can well believe a didn't eat or drink.

YellowDinosaur · 30/05/2017 09:37

To Person A and all the other NHS workers. Unless someone is actually dying in front of you at that very moment (which surely can't be happening for 10 hours continuously) insist on taking 2 minutes to drink some water and stuff a banana or cereal bar down. If everyone did this the system would have to recognise it's a necessity. As for complains from patients, tell your employers to have some balls and say in response that staff have to be able to drink water FGS. Don't accept this

Yes yes yes a thousands times yes to this from butterymuffin.

And to the poster who said she wouldn't have had the balls to do this when she was newly qualified, this is why it's so important when you're senior to lead by example and do this yourself and for your team.