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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable?

269 replies

BloodInMyCaffeineStream · 29/05/2017 12:41

Yesterday person A had a long day at work. They left at 0730 and arrived home at 2220. Person B had been home with person A and person B's toddler. Person A had a very busy and stressful day, hadn't been able to eat or drink for 10 hours or so.
Person A arrived home to find person B sitting on the sofa, washing up not done and stuff all over the side. They had insisted on waiting for person A to eat and had just put some salmon in the oven and made a salad. The salmon ended up undercooked and the salad had dirt on it after being washed. Person A points this out, person b starts aggressively washing the salad, throwing it about. Person A puts their head in their hands saying they can't cope with this shit. Person B starts shouting about what a difficult day they gave had with their toddler (person b works full time mon-fri 9-5), this culminates in a blazing row. Person A calls person B a horrible person and swears at them. Person B swears back and goes to sleep in another room.
Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 30/05/2017 09:43

Yellow, that was me. Totally agree. Years and years ago I had an amazing ward manager who absolutely insisted staff went for their breaks. She was amazing.

Actually what I did, like so many NHS workers, is I progressed up but also sideways to a less frontline role. Had to for my own sanity and because it was fundamentally incompatible with family life. Like so many of my colleagues, I'm afraid. When I do bank shifts I take breaks.

rollonthesummer · 30/05/2017 10:53

I'm a consultant surgeon in the NHS. I wouldn't be able to eat if I was operating. However during operations lasting longer than 5 hours or so, usually you have a quick comfort break so you can have a wee, a drink and a bite to eat. Anything else is unsafe.

That backs up what I thought exactly-I just don't believe there was a 10-hour stretch where you couldn't eat or drink something.

OP-are you going to bother to come back and answer any questions?

  1. Are you a nurse or a doctor? Or what other role do you have in the NHS?
  2. What department do you work in?
3.Do you often work 10 hours without a drink? 4.Why do you not take a drink or sandwich with you?
  1. Why did you not let your partner know you had left work so he could put the dinner on?

Please answer some of these questions.

HopefulHamster · 30/05/2017 13:45

But emilybrontes why does the washing absolutely have to be done by then? You just get on wiht it, and that's great. But some people prefer to leave it overnight or do it before going to bed. I don't always manage tidying up my kitchen while I've got the toddler on her own (two kids easier as they play together!). I'm more likely to sit down when she's gone to bed, put dinner on and clean up later. Nothing wrong with that.

These different 'persons' simply have to communicate, manage expectations, and also look after their own basic needs.

Ecureuil · 30/05/2017 14:08

But emilybrontes why does the washing absolutely have to be done by then?

Exactly. I see so many posts on here where people say 'I got home and the washing up was still in the sink'. So what? I do the washing up when it suits me, I don't organise my day to make sure it's done before DH gets home. Equally DH would never walk in and say 'why is the washing up still in the sink?'. Seems so odd to me.

chipscheeseandgravy · 30/05/2017 15:38

Person a is you? Assuming your an adult you are more than capable of being able to hydrate yourself through the day. If your job is normally like this keep snacks in the car. Person b to be fair sound like they tried to be nice be waiting for you to come home before eating. It's bad timing that food was cooked as late as it was and as a result undercooked/prepared. We've all done it, shit happens. They didn't need to argue, nor did you.
You both had a shit day. Apologise and move on. Next time maybe text them when your leaving so they can plan food better.

SweetLuck · 30/05/2017 15:57

if you are senior it's important to lead by example and show your junior colleagues that they can't do a good job caring for others if they don't first look after themselves

This

Cuppaoftea · 30/05/2017 17:31

Looking after a toddler from first thing in the morning to bedtime alone is knackering. Person B had earnt that rest on the sofa. Toddler had obviously eaten well and was settled asleep so that's what's important right? Not a few pots.

B tries to help A by cooking them a meal and all A does is walk in and criticise the food, apparently uncapable of rewashing their own salad (or just eating it dirt, caterpillars and all).

A was unreasonable, rude and ungrateful.

Shona52 · 30/05/2017 17:31

I agree both at fault. Your a partnership and should be working together

lilypoppet · 30/05/2017 18:05

I hate it when I get in and the washing up isn't done. I work full-time and am waiting for him to get a job.

RaqsMax · 30/05/2017 18:14

So your partner had done a full day's work, come home, played with toddler, bathed and bedded toddler, sorted out supper and waited to have his own supper so that the two of you could eat together and spend some time together? Oooh....what a bastard!

You had a long day at work. Don't understand why you hadn't eaten for 10 hours; that's up to you, but it would have made you cranky. I know it's irritating when we women churn out gourmet meals for the family, but when it's DP/DHs turn to 'cook' we get fish fingers and chips. However! Brownie points that he did prepare you a meal.

Just think how differently the evening would have gone if instead of criticising his salad washing, you had quietly gone to the kitchen and given it a quick rinse and said nothing...or actually said 'Ooh you've made supper! You're a star!'. You could have sat down together and had a nice supper and chatted about your day. You could have just left the dishes until the morning and sorted them together when you had both had a good night's rest. No rows, no screaming, no separate beds....

Option A = heading to the divorce courts, Option B = long and happy relationship based on respect, communication and commitment to be kind to each other.

ahhhhhwoof · 30/05/2017 18:28

I work full time and look after a toddler - YABU. It's not pretty and you should both apologise and grow up

hownowbrowngoat · 30/05/2017 18:48

Why do we still not know about A & B?

even though we do really

You obviously both had a shit day, but how tedious to then draw it out all evening. There's never any winners with these kind of arguments.

CotswoldStrife · 30/05/2017 18:49

A & B had bad days, but instead of being adult and talking about it decided to do the toddler-type whining of 'my day was worse than yours' and the point scoring thing instead . It didn't go well. They can do it differently next time. The End.

Hmm
Carriecakes80 · 30/05/2017 19:14

God, would not want to be in either person A nor person B's shoes! In my house, persons A & B respect & love each other & do very different things during the day, however, each are equally knackering, and because Person A loves Person B and vice versa, we help each other, not snipe! I mean, Persons A & B help each other! ;-) x lol YABBU!

manicmij · 30/05/2017 19:21

Both. There has to be a serious conversation about responsibilities and workload. If either A or B don't accept this sorry - you are incompatible.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 30/05/2017 19:27

Person A if you are my sister then stop continually moaning and LTB he is taking you for a mug as you seem to earn all the income, look after the kids in all your time off and do 95% of things in the house. He didn't work for 2 years before having DCs and has said he has no intention of ever working again.
Secondly yes we know you have an incredibly challenging busy job and do literally save lives but you need to ensure you get 5 mins break in your shift to get a drink.

(I'm pretty sure OP isn't my Dsis btw, but just in case she is reading)

Roversandrhodes · 30/05/2017 19:28

You because you're writing threads on here instead of apologising and getting an apology on return from your oh .You both had a stressful day ,apologise ,move on

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 30/05/2017 19:47

Neither. Both were tired and stressed out and took it out on each other a bit - we all do it sometimes.

cordelia16 · 30/05/2017 19:50

So your partner had done a full day's work, come home, played with toddler, bathed and bedded toddler, sorted out supper and waited to have his own supper so that the two of you could eat together and spend some time together? Oooh....what a bastard!

Raqs, pretty sure this all happened on Sunday, in which case Person B did not work (as he works M-F 9-5). Unless I misread (entirely possible).

Vonklump · 30/05/2017 19:51

Boneybackjefferson, that made me laugh.

Both. If I leave work late having metaphorically put out fires all day long I stuff food into my mouth as I leave. (I look a treat.)

TheweewitchRoz · 30/05/2017 20:02

Both sound incredibly stressed TBH & need to figure a way to work together rather than take things out on each other.

If someone isn't pulling their weight generally, then that's a separate discussion & needs to get sorted out as it won't get better on its own.

lolalola19 · 30/05/2017 20:33

Both - sounds like you both need to chill the fuck out!!!

PinkPanther27 · 30/05/2017 21:04

Both. Person B obviously had a rough day with toddler and maybe needed to wind down before grumpy person A got home and posted this on the internet

Butteredparsnip1ps · 30/05/2017 21:10

Late to the thread. But I think person A, though neither cover themselves in glory.

Person A should have phoned person B.
Person A should have told person B that they were going to be late and would sort themselves out foodwise, so perhaps person B should eat with toddler?

It sounds like there are 3 toddlers in the house.

pollymere · 30/05/2017 21:24

Oh dear, no winners here. My dh came home to find me on sofa with dd...however I've had the sort of day when spending 12 hours at work sounds great! Correct response is probably shall I order a takeaway?