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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable?

269 replies

BloodInMyCaffeineStream · 29/05/2017 12:41

Yesterday person A had a long day at work. They left at 0730 and arrived home at 2220. Person B had been home with person A and person B's toddler. Person A had a very busy and stressful day, hadn't been able to eat or drink for 10 hours or so.
Person A arrived home to find person B sitting on the sofa, washing up not done and stuff all over the side. They had insisted on waiting for person A to eat and had just put some salmon in the oven and made a salad. The salmon ended up undercooked and the salad had dirt on it after being washed. Person A points this out, person b starts aggressively washing the salad, throwing it about. Person A puts their head in their hands saying they can't cope with this shit. Person B starts shouting about what a difficult day they gave had with their toddler (person b works full time mon-fri 9-5), this culminates in a blazing row. Person A calls person B a horrible person and swears at them. Person B swears back and goes to sleep in another room.
Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Wtfdoipick · 29/05/2017 16:21

Does person b normally pull their weight round the house or was this a deliberate sabotage to reduce the risk of them being asked to do anything again.

TheViceOfReason · 29/05/2017 16:24

Who's male and who's female is totally irrelevant.

The drip feed about Person A doing all house work and cooking OBVIOUSLY changes things. But you knew that didn't you and have drip fed it now that everyone has pointed out you were both unreasonable and this post hasn't gone the way you wanted.

If you aren't happy with the balance of who does what in your relationship and you think person B sits on their arse having an easy day then deal with it like an adult and have a conversation with them - presumably given your job you are capable of having a discussion?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 29/05/2017 16:26

Oh come on op, you were both in the wrong.

I did a 14 hour shift yesterday and was fucked when I got home. My dh was sat in the sofa as one would expect at 9:30pm and I couldn't have given a toss. Whilst I didn't get my proper breaks I did manage to eat and drink because to look after your patients you need to be fully functioning and it takes 30 seconds to have a glass of water. I don't believe that anyone is so indispensable they can't leave for 30 seconds to drink at least.

So in balance, I think you are being VU for playing the martyr. Spending all day at the weekend looking after a toddler is a bit tedious when you work all week. Working long day shifts on the weekend is also a bit shit.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/05/2017 16:26

Why is the A & B nonsense continuing?!

bigchris · 29/05/2017 16:33

I think as you had a shit day yesterday at work I'd not bother getting people annoyed at you by using person a and b and enjoy your family time instead

userblablabla · 29/05/2017 16:35

I'm really excited for OP to reveal that she is Person A!

Butterymuffin · 29/05/2017 16:35

To Person A and all the other NHS workers. Unless someone is actually dying in front of you at that very moment (which surely can't be happening for 10 hours continuously) insist on taking 2 minutes to drink some water and stuff a banana or cereal bar down. If everyone did this the system would have to recognise it's a necessity. As for complains from patients, tell your employers to have some balls and say in response that staff have to be able to drink water FGS. Don't accept this.

But do then refrain from moaning at your partner about the salmon when you get home.

Ecureuil · 29/05/2017 16:36

Thank you for clarifying what sex you both are, but why would that make the slightest bit of difference to the situation?!

Sweetpotatoaddict · 29/05/2017 16:36

I'm suspicious that person a works in healthcare and is the op. You need to recognise that I imagine you spend many more hours with toddler than they do. Therefore they aren't as efficient as you are, if you are a nurse the very nature of the job requires prioritisation and multitasking. Person b was probably knackered, had struggled with toddler wanted to cook a nice meal for you to come home and had genuinely tried. They also are possibly very aware of the demands of the job, and we're feeling terrible about not getting as much done as they hoped.
I don't think either of you were being unreasonable, I've been where you are and I've no doubt I will be again soon. Give him a big hug and kiss, and a discussion about your expectations while you are at work on a weekend. It's tough having a toddler and working.

NellieFiveBellies · 29/05/2017 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 16:39

I don't believe that anyone is so indispensable they can't leave for 30 seconds to drink at least.

This!

Why are you not answering people's questions? Why didn't you take water and snacks in your bag for the journey home if you are so terribly important that you don't ever get a break at work?

Hunger/thirst clearly makes you grumpy and unreasonable, so take some action to remedy it!

LoupGarou · 29/05/2017 16:39

A is being extremely unreasonable for taking things out on B rather than acting like a mature, responsible adult. Person A needs to grow up and stop acting like a petulant child. Being parents/partners/married means working as a team. If you have issues or think B isn't pulling his weight, sit and discuss it calmly and sensibly, don't act like a brat.

B was maybe unreasonable to snap back but you'd have to be a saint not to after this Hmm...

Person A puts their head in their hands saying they can't cope with this shit. Person B starts shouting about what a difficult day they gave had with their toddler (person b works full time mon-fri 9-5), this culminates in a blazing row. Person A calls person B a horrible person and swears at them

Looking after a toddler is bloody hard work, having it devalued by your partner after you've had a tough day but still care about them enough to try and cook them a nice dinner to eat together is spectacularly shit. Even more so when they start complaining about it.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 29/05/2017 16:40

Buttery, I actually agree with you. When I was newly qualified I unfortunately would not have had the nerve to do that. If everyone did and cruciallypatients and relatives supported us in doing this, maybe things would change. There was a thread recently about NHS breaks where people said just to walk out. The trouble is that if something happens while you walk out you could be held accountable for it.

What actually happens is that people just leave those jobs and retention in some areas is diabolical. It's certainly what I did.

Sorry (not hugely sorry tbh as I think it is a hugely important issue) for thread derail.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/05/2017 16:43

And actually, your husband/partner works full time in the week and presumably looked after the toddler all day.

So he didn't wash a couple of plates! Is it that big a deal?

If he doesn't pull his weight in general then that needs addressing.

But if my dh came home and took his bad day out on me, I'd be telling him where to go!

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 29/05/2017 16:44

Nellie, you should be alarmed. Write to your MP, the press, anyone. Everyone should be alarmed as this is what it can be like.

In an effort to stop derailing, OP, while I am genuinely hugely sympathetic, I would say eat and drink before getting home and don't imply that looking after a toddler is not work.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/05/2017 16:48

The real victim here is the salad.

EmpressoftheMundane · 29/05/2017 16:51

Let me repeat. You have signed up for a life and a schedule that you can't handle. Time to re-assess the basics for the sake of your marriage and your dc.

Awescapism · 29/05/2017 16:53

Nellie Don't be alarmed, it's very rare this happens. Even in areas of high infection risk and "acute" situations you can still go and have a drink, eat and pee. Honestly, this is more often than not a case of doctors having a go at the lack of funding and scaremongering people. Doctors and nurses very rarely work on their own either.

However, still go ahead and write about underfunding of the NHS. Just try and use more usual and common issues if you want to be heard and listened to.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 29/05/2017 16:54

I have been working in the NHS for longer than I care to remember and it has got harder and harder to take breaks also factor in the increase in shift length and travelling(I leave the house at 6.45 and get home at 1915).Most wards now don't have an office or small room to allow staff to take a small break and lockers for bags and food are out of the wards if they exist and any staff areas are crammed with staff water bottles.
We cope,a good breakfast,sipping ware whenever you can and a snack bar to stop you driving off the road on the way home.
The point is that this is how it is every shift so you have to learn to unwind on the journey home and someone cooks you tea when you get home(they tried).
I would have kicked of my shoes,eaten my tea,comment on my shit day and relax.
Make up as soon as possible as believe me being a single parent and working long shifts for the NHS is MUCH harder than you have it now.

Resurgam2016 · 29/05/2017 17:00

I think person B should LTB

HTH

sweetbitter · 29/05/2017 17:08

Both a bit unreasonable. If I was person A I'd have just eaten some crisps or bread and had a glass of wine while waiting for dinner to be ready. Problem solved.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 29/05/2017 17:16

I can't believe this has gone on for eight pages and we still all have to conform to the 'Person A', 'Person B' crap! If you can't say 'my partner', I think that says it all really!

Awescapism · 29/05/2017 17:21

OP are you a nurse? I'm guessing your a nurse.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 29/05/2017 17:32

Walter Grin

BoysofMelody · 29/05/2017 17:54

Why is the A & B nonsense continuing?!

It is like the TV series, The Prisoner.....

Who are you?

  • I am person A You are person B.

I am not a letter I'm a free man.I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own!