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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable?

269 replies

BloodInMyCaffeineStream · 29/05/2017 12:41

Yesterday person A had a long day at work. They left at 0730 and arrived home at 2220. Person B had been home with person A and person B's toddler. Person A had a very busy and stressful day, hadn't been able to eat or drink for 10 hours or so.
Person A arrived home to find person B sitting on the sofa, washing up not done and stuff all over the side. They had insisted on waiting for person A to eat and had just put some salmon in the oven and made a salad. The salmon ended up undercooked and the salad had dirt on it after being washed. Person A points this out, person b starts aggressively washing the salad, throwing it about. Person A puts their head in their hands saying they can't cope with this shit. Person B starts shouting about what a difficult day they gave had with their toddler (person b works full time mon-fri 9-5), this culminates in a blazing row. Person A calls person B a horrible person and swears at them. Person B swears back and goes to sleep in another room.
Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 29/05/2017 12:53

You are clearly A and your further posts want us to think B is lazy and A is a saint. But it isn't B's fault that A didn't even prioritise having a drink for 10 hours. Both sound busy and tired, the head in hands stuff is just over dramatic.

AmysTiara · 29/05/2017 12:54

Both.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2017 12:55

Neither and both.
Both sound knackered.

I'm fairly sure if you'd written this from person b's POV, it wouldn't have said ' person a 'pointed out' salad was dirty. It would also have spoke more about how they had a full week of work further up the essay before solo childcare and possibly have spoken more of the weeek leading up the it.

Give each other a break.

Original poster
BloodInMyCaffeineStream · 29/05/2017 12:56

A was not able to leave a specific area at work. There are no water fountains etc three

OP posts:
Anothernewnn · 29/05/2017 12:56

Person A sounds like a self congratulatory martyr.

gamerchick · 29/05/2017 12:58

That is not Bs fault OP.

harderandharder2breathe · 29/05/2017 12:58

Both stressed, tired and hungry, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Now i suggest you stop point scoring and make up

humblesims · 29/05/2017 12:59

No drink for ten hours is rediculous and bad planning. A toddler that sleeps 3 hours in the afternoon? In your dreams. You both sound knackered and need to be kinder to each other.

Emmageddon · 29/05/2017 12:59

Both to blame - next time get fish and chips and stay friends.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 29/05/2017 12:59

You both sound stressed, frustrated, tired.

I have worked long hours in a very stressful job, so I understand how that goes. I have stayed home with babies and it is a different kind of stress. You never get a second to yourself and can get wall climbingly bored and frustrated. I found the toddler stage enjoyable, but a lot of people love the baby stage and are ready to tear their hair out over the terrible twos and threenagers. You can't yell at a baby or toddler so tend to pent up the frustration and let rip at the first adult who aggravates you.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2017 13:01

Person b was also fairly kind to wait so late to have dinner together.
Person a has a problem with their work situation which is not person bs fault.

NellieFiveBellies · 29/05/2017 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewStateswoman · 29/05/2017 13:02

It just sounds like one of those ridiculous arguments that descends when you have re-entry problems coming home after both having hard days.

Either it's a one-off which you can just shrug off, or it's an ongoing atmosphere and you don't want to be together.

YouTheCat · 29/05/2017 13:03

Both at fault but person b did have 3 hours to have a quick tidy round.

If this was the other way round, would person a have done a clean up?

happypoobum · 29/05/2017 13:03

Both to some extent, but A sounds bloody hard work to live with.

What's with all this didn't eat or drink for ten hours bullshit? Very martyrish.

Lelloteddy · 29/05/2017 13:04

Both at fault.
Both need to grow up.
Both need to stop playing 'I'm more tired then you game'

Because to carry on down this road means the inevitable end of your marriage.

lobsterface · 29/05/2017 13:05

Person a needs to talk to their employer about their illegal place of work.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 29/05/2017 13:06

I got confused half way through that.

Bluetrews25 · 29/05/2017 13:06

Those who are saying person A should have made time to eat/drink are obviously not familiar with how nursing (and some other jobs) can be these days. Relentless, no time.
If A should have made sure they got a drink, B should have made sure they washed up before A arrived home!

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 13:07

Person A had a very busy and stressful day, hadn't been able to eat or drink for 10 hours or so.

What?? Why? Frankly, this is ridiculous. If you know you are going to work for ten hours where you know there is no fountain, tap, kettle or shop anywhere near (really?) then you take food and drink with you?!

Person B sounds lazy and person A sounds like a martyr and bloody hard work.

How did the dinner end up being undercooked? Overlooked I could understand, but surely when you are dishing up or start eating and it's undercooked-you put it back in the oven?!

witsender · 29/05/2017 13:08

Both tbh. Person a is a grown up and needs to start acting like it. In fact A more unreasonable than B, it isn't B's fault that A didn't have a drink or whatever and whilst the dinner thing is annoying, it also isn't anyone's fault per se.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/05/2017 13:08

Person B is at fault regardless of sex.

Sorry, but my mother raised me (and I was a hell of a kid) and always had food ready for my father when he got home. It was called 'being organised'. My Father always did his fair bit (as was counted as fair in those days), but this was part of the very gendered contract at the time.

Perhaps Persons A&B should invest in a slowcooker and / or a freezer?

Also, person A's work is unreasonable for not allowing them a break and they should see HR / their union.

Finally, I don't see the gendered contract that my parents had as an ideal at all and would never enter it myself, I'm just using it as an example.

Is there a pattern here OP?

Patriciathestripper1 · 29/05/2017 13:08

Person B.
If person B couldn't be arsed to support person A then they should have asked Person A to pick up a takeaway on way home.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 29/05/2017 13:10

Person A worked a 15 hr shift
Without taking any of the substantive breaks legally required
They are either stupid in thinking this is efficient working or being pushed around at work.
They came home and took this out on person B who they don't think is working as hard as they are.
Martyr.

2rebecca · 29/05/2017 13:11

Person A needs to sort out their priorities. I've been in stressful jobs (still am) . You can always make time to eat and drink although some people enjoy being martyrs.