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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable?

269 replies

BloodInMyCaffeineStream · 29/05/2017 12:41

Yesterday person A had a long day at work. They left at 0730 and arrived home at 2220. Person B had been home with person A and person B's toddler. Person A had a very busy and stressful day, hadn't been able to eat or drink for 10 hours or so.
Person A arrived home to find person B sitting on the sofa, washing up not done and stuff all over the side. They had insisted on waiting for person A to eat and had just put some salmon in the oven and made a salad. The salmon ended up undercooked and the salad had dirt on it after being washed. Person A points this out, person b starts aggressively washing the salad, throwing it about. Person A puts their head in their hands saying they can't cope with this shit. Person B starts shouting about what a difficult day they gave had with their toddler (person b works full time mon-fri 9-5), this culminates in a blazing row. Person A calls person B a horrible person and swears at them. Person B swears back and goes to sleep in another room.
Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Anothernewnn · 29/05/2017 13:32

Person A arrived home to find person B sitting on the sofa

This actually made me laugh. Would A have preferred to have come back to B doing aerobics or something?

Awescapism · 29/05/2017 13:33

Also, NHS staff do get time to drink or have a cup of tea (unless situations in major incidents, but even then people tend to bring them drinks and food), even in A and E - it may not be "sit down and have some time to yourself", but it is possible. As is grabbing a snack bar, piece of fruit etc. It takes less than 30 seconds to have a swig of water from the fountain or a water bottle.

It worries me that NHS staff say "I've worked this long without food or drink" when they are responsible for other people's health. Dehydration and low blood sugar do not make great foundations for good decision making processes.

MrsGB2225 · 29/05/2017 13:34

Both

LadyPW · 29/05/2017 13:34

Both - though much more A. It really doesn't matter if salad is a bit grubby & it doesn't take long to cook salmon. Person A should have fed themselves during the day & not been picky on arriving home, though tiredness may be a factor. Person B should have cleaned up a bit but may have been busy with child & does have a full-time job during the week so this may have been their "downtime" (as much as you can have that with a small child). And person B had made the effort to have a meal ready.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 29/05/2017 13:36

if person b does the majority of the housework and child care (or arranging it) then a is unreasonable. if a does everything normally and this was a one off then b is a lazy fucker.

EmpressoftheMundane · 29/05/2017 13:37

Both

Person A and B have bitten off more than they can chew. They need to rethink their lives. They need to buy in more family help: au pair, take away meals, cleaner, etc. Or they need to downshift one or both careers while having small children.

Having it all means doing it all.

Simplify your lives. Move to a cheaper area, downsize, whatever is necessary to cut back on hours.

Both are wrong to try to keep this lifestyle with a young child.

category12 · 29/05/2017 13:39

I think A came home bad-tempered and over-tired and took it out on B. A needs to take snacks and liquids to work (was there no opportunity at all to buy a snack/drink on the train or at the station?). A should apologise for being snappy and grumpy.

B shouldn't wait to eat, as it's far too late but should have left out some for A to re-heat. If not, should have texted A to grab take-away or just have something cold that late at night, it's not the time to start getting involved in cooking.

blankface · 29/05/2017 13:39

Try this and start communicating in a better way.
english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

ClopySow · 29/05/2017 13:42

Sounds like your common or garden argument really, especially with two working parents and a toddler.

Does person a get days off through the week? Do they work every weekend? Is there any actual family time?

RhiWrites · 29/05/2017 13:46

I think A martyred themselves into a state where everything pissed them off (you OP, we all know it's you).

On the face of it B was unreasonable but we don't know their side. Maybe they had a shot day too followed by a difficult time with toddler and we're looking forward to a nice meal with their partner.

Was it really B's job to clean up?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2017 13:46

Was the reason the salmon was undercooked because a was in a mood it wasn't ready?

YouTheCat · 29/05/2017 13:47

Of course it was b's job to clear up if they made the mess.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/05/2017 13:52

Which one are you? Why be so cagey?

Casschops · 29/05/2017 13:54

Both tired and very stressed in different ways. No need for aggression on either part but sleeplessness and stressful days are hard for everyone.

bigmack · 29/05/2017 13:58

Person A is unreasonable because he/she clearly thinks that person B's job is to run around after him/her.

Why didn't person A get a drink or a snack or pick up a takeaway on the way home?
Why didn't person A help with preparing the food?
What would person A have eaten if person B had already eaten ?

gandalf456 · 29/05/2017 13:58

I don't know. I can't work in As and Bs very well. Who was it?

PurpleMinionMummy · 29/05/2017 13:59

If my partner came home and whinged about the dishes I'd tell them where to go and I was a sahm and not working 9-5 mon-fri. Your partner waited for you so you could eat the food they cooked together, probably so you could both share what a shit day you had and get some support from each other, and imo, had it thrown in their face because dinner wasn't cooked to perfection. Doesn't everyone mess dinner up occasionally? I know I do.

corythatwas · 29/05/2017 14:00

Sorry to be totally dim but aren't there water jugs around in hospitals? Or the option of taking a bottle of water around in a bag/strapped to your waist? Presumably person A was allowed to go to the loo in 10 hours? So why not have a drink of water then?

Yes, possible that person B was lazy. Again possible that person B assumed person A had a chance to organise their day better. Or/and that toddler had been very difficult right up until they became dead to the world.

The point is, it doesn't really matter who was unreasonable, because unless you are both willing to laugh the less-than-perfect away and support each other, you are going to make a mess of this relationship.

PurpleMinionMummy · 29/05/2017 14:00

And I wouldn't do the dishes until after we'd eaten tea anyway

khajiit13 · 29/05/2017 14:02

Person a had a stressful day but person b could potentially of had a stressful day too or they're there tired from working all week. It doesn't need to be a competition. If I was person B i'd have text "let me know when you're leaving and I'll order food". Similarly if I was person A I'd have made no assumptions about person B's day and phoned as I was leaving to ask if dinner had been made and suggested takeaway. In future have some leftovers ready to throw in the microwave or similar. Sounds like you're both exhausted.

ChasedByBees · 29/05/2017 14:05

Hello person A.

We've not heard about what kind of day person B had so it's hard to say who was BU but I'd guess at both.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 29/05/2017 14:08

All this person A person B stuff is nonsense, and I will be very surprised if the OP is not person A.

Person B works full time, then has the toddler all day on a weekend day. Is this the regular arrangement?

Does Person A work set shifts or random shifts? As in does Person A always work weekends?

How much washing up was there actually?

Did person B expect person A to do them, or had person B just not done them as they planned on doing all the washing up together after having eaten the meal.

Did person A make apparent their displeasure in the washing up not having been done/stuff on the side apparent as soon as they got in?

If it is a one off, then tbh Person A should just let it go.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/05/2017 14:09

I'm confused by what each one did

Inertia · 29/05/2017 14:12

Both A and B sound over-tired,over-hungry and possibly a bit dehydrated.

A certainly had a tough day, but it's impossible to say that B is lazy without hearing more about B's day. B may well have been dealing with toddler tantrums all day long, might have already prepared 3 meals and various snacks for toddler and cleaned up after all of them except the washing up from dinner prep, might have had some work of their own to try to do in that time if their job is a professional role, might have been trying to do housework/washing etc while also parenting toddler. B might have sat down moments before A got in, after going up and down stairs to a demanding toddler all evening.

Ginger782 · 29/05/2017 14:19

LiviaDrusillaAugusta neither of them did anything Hmm
They were both tired and snappy and one of them can't let it go so came onto MN to try to garner support.