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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who was being unreasonable?

269 replies

BloodInMyCaffeineStream · 29/05/2017 12:41

Yesterday person A had a long day at work. They left at 0730 and arrived home at 2220. Person B had been home with person A and person B's toddler. Person A had a very busy and stressful day, hadn't been able to eat or drink for 10 hours or so.
Person A arrived home to find person B sitting on the sofa, washing up not done and stuff all over the side. They had insisted on waiting for person A to eat and had just put some salmon in the oven and made a salad. The salmon ended up undercooked and the salad had dirt on it after being washed. Person A points this out, person b starts aggressively washing the salad, throwing it about. Person A puts their head in their hands saying they can't cope with this shit. Person B starts shouting about what a difficult day they gave had with their toddler (person b works full time mon-fri 9-5), this culminates in a blazing row. Person A calls person B a horrible person and swears at them. Person B swears back and goes to sleep in another room.
Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:

rightsofwomen · 29/05/2017 13:11

I think even if person B (who I presume is your partner) would not have been able to do a thing right if you (person A I presume) had not had a drink for 10 hours. What do you OP that means you can't eat or drink for such long periods of time? Is it worth it?

FlyingElbows · 29/05/2017 13:12

Your relationship is doomed if one of you plays the "I'm so much more important than you because of my martyr job" card. Relationships are not a competition to see who's the most oppressed. It all sounds very very tedious.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/05/2017 13:13

The MiL?

AntagonyAunt · 29/05/2017 13:13

Working full time and looking after a toddler full time can both be stressful. Definitely not the the first couple who have argued about which of the two is more tiring.
You seem to think that Person B has the easier task. Sometimes a toddler taking a nap is the only time you get to yourself for some mental space, to rest, to breath etc and Person B did say that day had been harder than usual.
If this happened one/a few days I think you AIBU but every day then I would consider Person B to be taking the piss.

YouTheCat · 29/05/2017 13:14

I reckon person A works in the NHS, so it wouldn't surprise me if they didn't have time for any kind of break. It doesn't make them a martyr.

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 13:15

I think the thread has derailed off onto talking about you not eating or drinking which you probably won't like, but I think that's very important as it tells us a lot about you/person A. Would person B describe person A as a martyr?

Florene · 29/05/2017 13:15

Does person A work in the emergency services? As this would fit with them not being able to leave a specific area, the long hours worked, and the not being able to take food or drink with them (nowhere to put it).

RB68 · 29/05/2017 13:16

you are both ridiculous - life isn't easy. Person B should have eaten at normal time and prepared food for b which was either ready or nearly ready when they arrived. Person A should have had a snack on them if they knew they were going to be that late. Don't be so reliant on each other look after yourselves and be nice to each other

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/05/2017 13:16

If this happened one/a few days I think you AIBU but every day then I would consider Person B to be taking the piss

My mother always had something in the freezer (and it was a tiny freezer back then) for days like this.

I don't think person B is a martyr. I work similar hours, albiet in a better environment and with computer access, but that's the name of the job and I can't afford not to work! I am sometimes close to tears of exhaustion - but that is how it is.

RB68 · 29/05/2017 13:17

sorry prepared food for a

EweAreHere · 29/05/2017 13:20

Do you work for the NHS, OP?

Doesn't excuse you taking it out on your partner, but it would explain the lack of breaks/food/water, long day (shift work), and exhaustion.

But your partner works a full time job, too, then comes home to deal with the toddler while you're still working/commuting. Partner is probably wiped, too.

happypoobum · 29/05/2017 13:20

DP is a paramedic in London and still finds time to eat and drink. Dsis is a nurse in a large hospital. Ditto. It's illegal to have a workplace with no access to drinking water.

No doubt we will get some ridiculous drip feed where A was stuck in a mine shaft but I agree with PP, this kind of one up manship is corrosive.

If my DP didn't get home until past ten I would be fast asleep in bed anyway. It sounds like B tried to do the right thing by staying up and cooking and it still backfired.

I have seen other threads where posters say DP came home from work and moaned about the washing up not being done and they get told to tell DP to shove it up their arse

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 13:21

I reckon person A works in the NHS, so it wouldn't surprise me if they didn't have time for any kind of break. It doesn't make them a martyr.

Disclaimer: I don't and never have worked for the NHS. I know the staff are horribly overworked and breaks are probably worked through. BUT if you know shifts are like this-you take a bottle of water? Or sandwiches in your bag? Even if for some mad (surely illegal?) reason, you didn't even have 3 minutes to grab a glass of water, then surely you eat the sandwich that you made (knowing what your place of employment is like) on the public transport on your way home?

This sounds like person A is not good at organising themselves?!

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 13:22

No doubt we will get some ridiculous drip feed where A was stuck in a mine shaft

putdownyourphone · 29/05/2017 13:22

Just order a takeaway next time

ShinyGirl · 29/05/2017 13:23

He was

Ginger782 · 29/05/2017 13:23

Person A and Person B need to give each other a break and work on being friends.

Also, you should get a slow cooker, a refillable water bottle and a box of muesli bars.

Original poster

BloodInMyCaffeineStream · 29/05/2017 13:25

youthecat and florene yes.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 13:26

Are you going to explain the lack of food and drink?

EllaHen · 29/05/2017 13:26

Actually, I think Person A was more unreasonable.

Moaning about dishes in the sink and criticising the meal that someone had made them. Displaced anger about their own work situation I reckon.

Person B works ft and looked after a toddler on their own all Sunday plus waited to eat with Person A. Bloody saint.

madcatwoman61 · 29/05/2017 13:28

What Ginger said. Also person A should try looking after a toddler for 15 hours

Awescapism · 29/05/2017 13:30

Both of you were being unreasonable for different reasons.

Why wasn't dinner prepped during the toddler's three hour nap (or even prepared)? Why weren't the dishes etc. done?

On the other hand it's easy to cook some salmon a little more or wash sadly better quickly yourself without kicking up a fuss.

Neither of you should have shouted or sworn at each other.

NHS working or toddler parenting can be equally demanding at times; apologise to each other and cut each other some slack in future.

Anothernewnn · 29/05/2017 13:30

Is that it then OP?

JoandMax · 29/05/2017 13:31

Both - person A could of had a drink and snack on their journey home surely? It's not person Bs fault they had a difficult day and it sounds as though they came home in a mood where nothing would of been good enough.

Person B should perhaps have made something quicker/easier to eat or heat up but sounds like they were being nice to wait up that late for person A to get home. Also everyone has cooking mishaps sometimes, I made a godawful dinner last night so we ended up with pizza! I'm normally a pretty good cook......

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/05/2017 13:31

Actually in all the As and Bs I missed that B worked. OK this does change things for me and I now see B as less unreasonable.

But the impetus should be on problem solving for the future

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