To be furious with this teacher?

[Nixie60]

DD is in Y13, has always been very academic but also quite sporty. She's not tall (5' 1") and not at all overweight, but is quite curvy and because she's done lots of running and martial arts she has very strong legs. Currently, the school are preparing for a stage competition and she got involved with some dancing for the first time. She's done really well at it, picked the routine up quickly, has practiced loads and has had lots of compliments from her fellow dancers. She was told that the only thing she needed to provide for her costume was a pair of cycling shorts and duly took some in. They came to about three inches above her knees.

Tonight, she has been in floods of tears because she got a text from a friend saying that one of the teachers wanted to know whether she had a shorter pair of shorts to wear under a tutu, if not, could she roll the ones she had up or borrow a pair from someone else? She's not at all comfortable in short shorts because she's self-conscious about her legs. Her feeling is that girls with slimmer legs look great in that sort of thing but it's not for her. She texted the friend back and said that she really doesn't want to wear short shorts but has a skort she used to wear for hockey which is a couple of inches shorter and would give that a go instead if that was OK. The friend has been very sympathetic and said she completely understands DD's feelings. However, DD is still very upset and feels she's been singled out by the teacher.

AIBU to think it might have been kinder of the teacher to speak to her face to face rather than ask a third party to contact her about this issue? Hopefully the friend won't say anything to anyone else but I don't understand why this approach has been taken. DD is feeling ashamed and anxious about what will happen if the skort is also deemed to be too long. I am absolutely bloody furious that she has been made to feel bad about her body because of some stupidity and thoughtlessness on the part of the teacher. I'm not sure if this particular teacher has some sort of issue with DD but it's not the first time I feel her behaviour has been not quite professional. She's very young, so maybe it's just inexperience, but she ought to remember what it's like to be that age!

I haven't done anything about this because I want to see what the reaction is to the skort, but AIBU to feel annoyed?

Oh dear - I stupidly replied to the OP without reading through all 7 pages to find out all is good with daughter now.

Think you're overreacting - teacher prob just mentioned it in passing to the friend. Your daughter sounds great and should not ever feel upset about being sporty and clever - go girl

Just a friendly word - if you are a newbie in what appears to be the Antipodes, I would avoid appearing to be a "whingeing Pom".

I wanted to be a teacher when I left school, thankfully my parents couldn't afford for me to stay on to do A levels. I'd be finding myself getting a drubbing on here on a daily basis if I'd followed that path.

Having danced right up to having my dd, wearing shorts under a tutu sounds reasonable enough no matter how short. In my professional experience the teacher won't have given your dd's legs a second thought but back in the day we weren't even allowed to wear underwear in case it was visible under a leotard/tutu never mind shorts. This I know is still the case for dance exams etc. I've never been stick thin like the rest of the girls and the same rules applied. Sorry your daughter feels that way. Maybe instead of being angry at the teacher for not seeing a problem, help your daughter with being comfortable with herself, we're all different.

I'm petite but with the thighs of a mid distance runner! I always thought my thighs were huge. Cycling shorts on someone petite will always be far too long. You probably need age 11-12 ones for the length to be right or at most 13-14. I noticed in Sainsbury's that they sell black cycling shorts by age so you might find a more suitable length. I don't think the teacher was being unreasonable, I wouldn't want someone to look different in a dance show. Your dd needs an ego boost about being petite and finding something she feels good in.

I dont think the teacher has any idea it's a sensitive issue. Perhaps you can go I to the school and explain that your daughter is very conscious of her legs and why she wants to wear longer shorts. I really don't see a problem. I understand your daughter is growing and I had a terrible time at that age comparing myself to others but she also needs to know from you and other who care about her, that people come in all shapes and sizes, where she might be worried about her legs, other girls may be worrying about something else, it's perfectly normal and if she feels uncomfortable then just to talk to her teacher and explain if she feels she can.
Only if the teacher responds in an unfair way would I feel she was BU. In this case I don't.

polly - not sure the OP is in Aus, afaik we don't do Y13 here. Not in NSW anyway :)

But we do here in NZ, Thumbsie

How has the teacher trying to make sure she has the right costume led to your belief that DD is being made to feel bad about her body? What a fucking leap you've taken.

Your DD is being unreasonable. If she feels thy she isn't comfortable wearing shorter shorts then that is one thing but to feel that she is being nosy shamed is another. She's being told the outfit isn't quite right for the show not her fucking legs fgs.

So I know it's all resolved, everyone is happy yadda yadda, but I have been surprised by the unilateral nature of the "YABU" response here. I wonder if any of the people responding have ever had or know people who have had eating disorders or severe body dismorphia, as my own personal experience was that these kind of small things that some people shrug off can pile up and result in longer-term pretty destructive behaviour. Now I'm not saying that's what's going to happen here, but it does surprise me that a teacher of teenagers wouldn't be more aware and therefore more sensitive or careful in their approach to this kind of issue . So while I would never do anything like "report " a teacher for something like this I probably would pull them aside and let them know the impact they had in this case. Especially if they are s younger teacher, they need to know that people can misinterpret or hang onto what you might think is a non-issue partly because of your leadership role. So unlike everyone else I don't think the OP was BU

I can assure you, doda that teachers are very aware of issues such as body dysmorphia among teenage girls. However, my reading of the situation is that there is no disorder involved here, but merely the awareness of most teenagers that some part of their body does not meet the "ideal", as they perceive it. A teacher's job is difficult enough, trying to know 100+ students well enough to be able to plan and deliver programmes for them, to understand their weaknesses and support each appropriately, to help them meet the qualification levels required for desired Uni courses. Extra-curricula stuff such as this is the icing on the cake for students, and teachers are under no obligation to pour all these hours into giving the learners confidence-building experiences such as this. I bet this young teacher simply threw a request at a friend to pass on - delegation sometimes is the only way to find enough hours in the day for everything they do. I have never, in my 43 years' teaching experience, encountered a teacher who would act with malice to body-shame a student. The OP expressly tells us that her DD is very academic and sporty - she has had plenty of success to build her confidence, and is hardly the shy and diffident early adolescent, who is the biggest worry about body issues.

Surely your daughter would be more uncomfortable if she was the only one who's outfit stood out as different. Being the only one with shorts showing or wearing a skirt when everyone else was wearing tutu's would draw attention to her and also perhaps in her eyes to the area she's uncomfortable with. It was probably just a passing comment. An after thought after having seen them and though it was the quickest way to get the message to your DD, allowing time for her to make other arrangements. I see no issue here apart from maybe your over reaction which I think supports dds negative feelings about her body rather than reassures her.

Interestingly, no one said/asked what was in the actual text. (Unless I missed it?) Because sometimes a simple message could be written in a way that sounds upsetting.

I'm really pleased for you & dd OP that the dress rehersal went well. Maybe once the challenge is finished, it might be worth gently exploring exactly what upset her & how she could learn/develop coping skills from this experience.

Good luck! And also well done on a very gracious IABU

Oh my goodness its you who is making the body issue worse not the teacher. Given the context of the request it doesn't sound unreasonable. Stop making a fuss and get on with life.

theymademejoin on the contrary, i think it could prove to be very confusing if posters use calendar age rather than school year on school related threads.
My advice would be very different to a year 12 17 year old panicking about exams in the next couple of weeks to a year 13 17 year old, ditto to a year 9 14 year old not revising versus a year 10 14 year old. The school year makes a massive amount of difference to where the student needs to be in many things.

Hi Poly. I want to clarify that my suggestion stemmed from a desire to see the teacher learn from this experience too. Unless she was aware of the impact she can't improve her impact in the future.

Additionally while I respect your many years teaching experience, I take extreme opposition to your characterisation that only "the shy and diffident early adolescent, who are [is] the biggest worry about body issues." Like any mental health issue it is not so easy to classify who may have or potentially have an eating disorder. If you are a teacher and genuinely feel that only shy people get eating disorders I really think you should consider doing further research on the issue, and potentially on mental health issues more generally as it suggests some gaps in your understanding.

If it was just a throw away MN comment then no problem.

Rosie - in certain cases the school year is relevant. However, in most cases where it is used it is not.

Obviously. If you are asking for advice in relation to school work/exams/studying it matters whether they are in an exam year or not. If you are asking advice in relation to clothing/hobbies/extra curricular stuff the school year is irrelevant but the age may relevant.

The teacher has done nothing wrong

Poor teacher. YABVU.

Why aren't you teaching your dd that she looks lovely the way she is and no-one else eg the teacher even notices her legs?

Why on earth can't people read the thread? Or at least read the OPs posts.

Thank you Soup

One last time. I have acknowledged more than once that IWBU.

No teachers were harmed during the making of this thread.

Now can we draw a line under this please?