To be furious with this teacher?

[Nixie60]

DD is in Y13, has always been very academic but also quite sporty. She's not tall (5' 1") and not at all overweight, but is quite curvy and because she's done lots of running and martial arts she has very strong legs. Currently, the school are preparing for a stage competition and she got involved with some dancing for the first time. She's done really well at it, picked the routine up quickly, has practiced loads and has had lots of compliments from her fellow dancers. She was told that the only thing she needed to provide for her costume was a pair of cycling shorts and duly took some in. They came to about three inches above her knees.

Tonight, she has been in floods of tears because she got a text from a friend saying that one of the teachers wanted to know whether she had a shorter pair of shorts to wear under a tutu, if not, could she roll the ones she had up or borrow a pair from someone else? She's not at all comfortable in short shorts because she's self-conscious about her legs. Her feeling is that girls with slimmer legs look great in that sort of thing but it's not for her. She texted the friend back and said that she really doesn't want to wear short shorts but has a skort she used to wear for hockey which is a couple of inches shorter and would give that a go instead if that was OK. The friend has been very sympathetic and said she completely understands DD's feelings. However, DD is still very upset and feels she's been singled out by the teacher.

AIBU to think it might have been kinder of the teacher to speak to her face to face rather than ask a third party to contact her about this issue? Hopefully the friend won't say anything to anyone else but I don't understand why this approach has been taken. DD is feeling ashamed and anxious about what will happen if the skort is also deemed to be too long. I am absolutely bloody furious that she has been made to feel bad about her body because of some stupidity and thoughtlessness on the part of the teacher. I'm not sure if this particular teacher has some sort of issue with DD but it's not the first time I feel her behaviour has been not quite professional. She's very young, so maybe it's just inexperience, but she ought to remember what it's like to be that age!

I haven't done anything about this because I want to see what the reaction is to the skort, but AIBU to feel annoyed?

She's not in the UK

I wish UK posters would just use age rather than year

How shocking that UK posters use UK (England and Wales) school years...

Would your daughter be happier wearing dance tights under the shorts? Most of the older dancers in my daughter's dance school wear these

She's from the UK but not in the UK

It's very very confusing.I for one cannot fathom it

Thanks NotYoda

My phone hadn't refreshed when I sent that first post. Makes sense!

You and your DD are overreacting. The teacher probably asked the friend a it was a bit of an after thought. No biggie.

YABU and massively overreacting. The original request for shorter shorts is nothing to do with her body, it's about the shorts being longer than the tutu. Can you really not see that they simply don't want shorts poking out under the tutu because that's not part of the costume design.

Maybe your daughter would be more confident if you didn't spend time inventing things to be upset about.

Yeah you were overreacting. And you are fab for checking, and fir taking on board what people have said. I'm sure your DD will be fine.

Yeh you sound like hard work.

You're overreacting to everything ==> your daughter overreacts to everything

I think if you dance you expect your body to be on show to hundreds of people. My daughter's dance teachers wouldn't let them wear knickers or bras under leotards and neither did the Royal Ballet when she trained with them. Tiny little nude coloured thong for practice but otherwise just the leotard. Some of the sixth form dance costumes could best be described as minimalist- audiences of two thousand on speech days watching the girls gyrate in about three square inches of material. No room for coyness in dance!

Kitty - UK posters using UK years rather than age on a forum that has an international audience is insular, to say the least. My point re wishing they would use age rather than year was a desire for them to recognise that the world, and their audience, extends beyond the UK.

Mumsnet is obviously accessible from anywhere in the world, but it is a UK website and the vast majority of users are from the UK. There are some non UK users too, I'm one of them, but simple things like checking the volume of posts in the UK day and night shows very quickly that we are in a small minority. If you aren't from the UK it's easy enough to either ask or google.

OP I can understand you and your dd feeling anxious about the change of year and school systems at a point where in the UK it would be a very big deal indeed, but surely you are most of a year in now and should be mostly adjusted? We moved to Canada and the last years of school are totally different here, all continuous assessment and very few exams (hurray!). Applying for university also very different and we've felt very clueless from time to time. One thing we learned is always to double check everything with the school, very easy for assumptions to be made all round.

Morning all! Having had a night's sleep, I have my sense of perspective back now so thank you all for helping me restore that perspective. Apologies for both being unreasonable and causing confusion about school years etc.

DD has just turned 17, did GCSE exams in the UK last June and started the school year in February, so is midway through term 2 of 4. Nooka we also have a system of continuous assessment and few exams, which is why it's not such a big deal her taking part in this now. She's never done dance before, so isn't used to having bits on show! She's into science and maths, but just wanted to take part in this stage thing so she could be part of it with her new friends. I might add that the first I heard about the tutu was last night as it's a kind of street dance routine they're doing so we thought everyone was just wearing cycle shorts.

The really silly thing about all of this is the fact that as far as I know she'll only be on stage for a few minutes at most. Almost certainly her over-reaction is due to the upheaval of the move and still not knowing a lot of people very well (it's a big school), so she is feeling a bit vulnerable. And yes, I accept that I over-reacted as well!

Should also say Nooka that I completely agree with you about the importance of double checking things with the school. This is part of the reason that DD is finding this particular teacher a bit difficult, as she's been particularly unhelpful and her subject is one that's really important for what DD wants to do. The other teachers have been great.

Nooka - lots of non-UK places have similar time zones so that's not indicative of location.

Oh give over FrancisCrawford-I was clearly not equating the whole of the UK as England and Wales and merely referring to the fact that in Scotland or NI, Years are not referred to in that way at all but in England and Wales they are (and I never wrote that it was only Years and no other form) as opposed to just saying the UK as I knew some busybody would point out to me in Scotland and Wales it was different.

Sorry to have derailed your thread OP, glad you feel better about it all.

Francis - not necessarily insular as suggesting UK posters are uninterested in ideas outside their own culture doesn't mean I'm not absolutely fascinated by the UK school system.

Although in this case, you're right. I have no interest in the age vs year thing in UK schools........

Well caught 😁

YABU and so is your daughter.

Nixie - could you maybe show your dd some videos of dancers from a bit of a distance (as would be seen by an audience) so she can see that you can't make out individual dancer's details? Or is she self conscious in front of her friends? Dance tights or flesh coloured shorts would be the way to go then.

Good idea theymade - I'll find something appropriate this evening - thanks to you and Kitty!

Yes thanks Blonde, I'd already admitted that.

Is your daughter wanting to carry on dancing further in life? Or just whilst at chill? If further then she's gonna have to sadly toughen up a lot. As a performer myself we get told some horrid crap and have to wear some short short clothes!
However, the teacher probably forget at the time to mention it, seeing as they're doing a show soon and she wants it to look good, she probably just had more important stuff in mind!

Can't help but be intrigued as to which country you're in now, Nixie - don't have to tell us of course, but given that your school year starts in Feb, I'm assuming southern hemisphere!