Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this teacher?

197 replies

Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 11:47

DD is in Y13, has always been very academic but also quite sporty. She's not tall (5' 1") and not at all overweight, but is quite curvy and because she's done lots of running and martial arts she has very strong legs. Currently, the school are preparing for a stage competition and she got involved with some dancing for the first time. She's done really well at it, picked the routine up quickly, has practiced loads and has had lots of compliments from her fellow dancers. She was told that the only thing she needed to provide for her costume was a pair of cycling shorts and duly took some in. They came to about three inches above her knees.

Tonight, she has been in floods of tears because she got a text from a friend saying that one of the teachers wanted to know whether she had a shorter pair of shorts to wear under a tutu, if not, could she roll the ones she had up or borrow a pair from someone else? She's not at all comfortable in short shorts because she's self-conscious about her legs. Her feeling is that girls with slimmer legs look great in that sort of thing but it's not for her. She texted the friend back and said that she really doesn't want to wear short shorts but has a skort she used to wear for hockey which is a couple of inches shorter and would give that a go instead if that was OK. The friend has been very sympathetic and said she completely understands DD's feelings. However, DD is still very upset and feels she's been singled out by the teacher.

AIBU to think it might have been kinder of the teacher to speak to her face to face rather than ask a third party to contact her about this issue? Hopefully the friend won't say anything to anyone else but I don't understand why this approach has been taken. DD is feeling ashamed and anxious about what will happen if the skort is also deemed to be too long. I am absolutely bloody furious that she has been made to feel bad about her body because of some stupidity and thoughtlessness on the part of the teacher. I'm not sure if this particular teacher has some sort of issue with DD but it's not the first time I feel her behaviour has been not quite professional. She's very young, so maybe it's just inexperience, but she ought to remember what it's like to be that age!

I haven't done anything about this because I want to see what the reaction is to the skort, but AIBU to feel annoyed?

OP posts:
mum11970 · 29/05/2017 12:24

Nixie60 yes you are being unreasonable and making an issue out of something totally innocent. The shorts are not suitable for the costume and need changing, there is nothing sinister to be read in to the request.

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:25

Mynotsoperfect at the risk of being accused of drip-feeding, we moved to a different country last year and DD is trying to get used to a whole new educational system. We have been told that the whole system is "a game". This particular teacher has been totally unhelpful in helping her to understand the rules and in one instance advised her wrongly that something was suitable to do as an assessment, only for that not to be the case. I appreciate that it can be hard to find time as a teacher, but the other teachers have made an effort to recognise her as effectively an overseas student.

Of course, I do recognise that this is likely to be contributing to her feelings of self-consciousness and that the whole shorts thing is probably a symptom of a bigger picture. But they actually weren't that long! If she was taller it wouldn't have been a problem, I'm sure.

OP posts:
innagazing · 29/05/2017 12:26

You've overreacted enormously!
I would add that the longer shorts would not work with a tutu at all, and neither would the skort. Short shorts are the least visible and are just used to protect their modesty better than knickers.(You can buy them from sports direct cheaply.
If she wears anything other than the short shorts, it will look odd, she will stand as looking different. She'll actually be drawing more attention to her legs.
Dancers come in all shapes and sizes these days, and most have very muscular legs, (of which they are very proud generally) so she really won't look out of place.

Therealslimshady1 · 29/05/2017 12:28

Good God, it is really silly to be angry with the teacher for this!

mum11970 · 29/05/2017 12:28

It does not matter if the teacher did ask for the message to be passed on, it was no different than saying 'Ask Girl1 if she has a royal blue t-shirt, rather than a navy blue one' or would that be deemed unacceptable to be passed on as well. Talk about a fuss about nothing.

Ceto · 29/05/2017 12:28

Do you actually know that the teacher said this at all? I'd want to establish that first - there's always a possibility that the other student has misrepresented what the teacher said.

LAlady · 29/05/2017 12:28

I had to re read your post. She's Year 13!!

YABU

EB123 · 29/05/2017 12:30

YABU

I really don't see an issue.

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:31

Witchend thank you, that's a balanced and informed viewpoint for which I am grateful. She's just never been comfortable in very short things.

OP posts:
mum11970 · 29/05/2017 12:31

No, the whole system is not a game. Whoever told you that is an idiot.

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:35

Just so you all know, we are not in the UK. So she's not doing A levels. In fact, had we stayed in the UK she would only have been in Y12. And she's not planning (probably fortunately) to do dance seriously, she just wanted to take part in this - well, actually "competition" is probably overstating it a bit, perhaps "challenge" is a better word - as much for the social part with her friends.

And, mum even the teachers here have told me the system is a game!

OP posts:
corythatwas · 29/05/2017 12:36

OP, what steps are you taking to ensure that your dd, who is practically an adult, becomes independent and finds strategies to deal with her own issues?

I am not a school teacher but find the suggestion that you would go in all guns blazing in Year 13 because someone had upset your daughter a bit disconcerting. How is that preparing her for the next stage of her life? If she has issues with body image and/or anxiety, isn't this where you should be prepping her to deal with them herself in preparation for adult life, which is just round the corner?

Surely by next year she will either be at uni (where tutors will absolutely refuse to speak to a parent about her progress for confidentiality reasons) or at work (where she could get sacked for bringing in a parent). She is well old enough to be holding down a weekend job already. So would you do the same if a customer said something to her at work, or her manager told her off?

I get that you may not be able to stop her being in floods of tears over a quite innocent remark: I have a slightly older dd who suffers from anxiety and sometimes there is nothing I can do about that. But what I can do, and have been doing for the last few years is show her that it is her job to come up with plans to deal with her anxiety, that I am always happy to have ideas bounced off me, but that I will not be doing the work- she will.

corythatwas · 29/05/2017 12:37

ok cross-post, she is in Year 12. But even so, plenty old enough for you to start preparing her for adult life.

MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 12:39

Overseas student or not, it sounds like you have an almost adult child who is being mollycoddled.

You quite clearly have an axe to grind with this teacher.

Just this year I've had English students in an English school come up with all kinds of things about "things they weren't told". They certainly were. Even if there was a mistake, you need to let your daughter get on with it and stop your vendetta against this teacher.

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:42

Cory I never said I would go in all guns blazing, I was just trying to say that WOULD be unreasonable! All I was asking was whether IWBU in feeling annoyed. And I've been well and truly told that I am, so that's fine! She's usually very mature and well-rounded so I'm pretty sure that all this is a reaction to the massive change in her life the last few months and her finding this particular teacher more difficult to interact with than the others.

OP posts:
mum11970 · 29/05/2017 12:42

Guess what Nixie? Most of us would assume you are talking about the UK school system and that your daughter in nigh on 18 years old, with only a few weeks of schooling left before university.

MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 12:44

Exactly mum talk of year13 on a mainly UK based site.

FrenchMartiniTime · 29/05/2017 12:44

Sorry OP but you and your DD are completely over reacting,

The teacher did absolutely nothing wrong.

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:46

Oh Maisy, it's not a vendetta. I've only actually met the teacher once. But she did make an error in approving an assessment topic which she shouldn't have and that has been admitted (although not by her).

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 29/05/2017 12:47

Teacher makes mistake. Stop.the.press. Hmm

MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 12:47

OK OP.
It does come across that way from all your well this isn't the first time she's done something for my DC.

Your reaction was over the top. Your DC needs to get on with it.

If she can't deal with costume arrangements without reacting in such a way that her mother gets furious, maybe she's doing yhe wrong subject.

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:48

Yes sorry, should have specified the difference in the school year. Mea culpa. But we WERE in the UK until pretty recently!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 12:48

Tonight, she has been in floods of tears because she got a text

This is a totally disproportionate response! You need to work on teaching her to get some perspective-she will be entering the world of further education or work in the next year or so and needs to react to things in a reasonable way.

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:49

As I said Maisy this isn't a subject she's "doing". It WAS just supposed to be a bit of fun...

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 29/05/2017 12:49

If she is happy to wear the shorter skort then why is it a problem to roll up the cycle shorts to the same length?

Just because you don't like this teacher doesn't mean she made a unreasonable request.