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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this teacher?

197 replies

Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 11:47

DD is in Y13, has always been very academic but also quite sporty. She's not tall (5' 1") and not at all overweight, but is quite curvy and because she's done lots of running and martial arts she has very strong legs. Currently, the school are preparing for a stage competition and she got involved with some dancing for the first time. She's done really well at it, picked the routine up quickly, has practiced loads and has had lots of compliments from her fellow dancers. She was told that the only thing she needed to provide for her costume was a pair of cycling shorts and duly took some in. They came to about three inches above her knees.

Tonight, she has been in floods of tears because she got a text from a friend saying that one of the teachers wanted to know whether she had a shorter pair of shorts to wear under a tutu, if not, could she roll the ones she had up or borrow a pair from someone else? She's not at all comfortable in short shorts because she's self-conscious about her legs. Her feeling is that girls with slimmer legs look great in that sort of thing but it's not for her. She texted the friend back and said that she really doesn't want to wear short shorts but has a skort she used to wear for hockey which is a couple of inches shorter and would give that a go instead if that was OK. The friend has been very sympathetic and said she completely understands DD's feelings. However, DD is still very upset and feels she's been singled out by the teacher.

AIBU to think it might have been kinder of the teacher to speak to her face to face rather than ask a third party to contact her about this issue? Hopefully the friend won't say anything to anyone else but I don't understand why this approach has been taken. DD is feeling ashamed and anxious about what will happen if the skort is also deemed to be too long. I am absolutely bloody furious that she has been made to feel bad about her body because of some stupidity and thoughtlessness on the part of the teacher. I'm not sure if this particular teacher has some sort of issue with DD but it's not the first time I feel her behaviour has been not quite professional. She's very young, so maybe it's just inexperience, but she ought to remember what it's like to be that age!

I haven't done anything about this because I want to see what the reaction is to the skort, but AIBU to feel annoyed?

OP posts:
Piratesandpants · 29/05/2017 12:49

If this is such a very, very sensitive issue - maybe dance isn't a good option for your daughter? Dance is all about the body and performances are people watching the whole body....

VintagePerfumista · 29/05/2017 12:50

Blimey.

So you're furious with a teacher for not knowing that your adult (because whatever year, whatever country, that's what she is) daughter has a thing about her body and therefore has gone into hysterics (sorry, but no other word for it) about a message that anyone would find difficult to interpret as offensive.

Your daughter needs help to overcome her issues. The first one could perhaps be not assuming offence when none was meant. Is she touchy about other things?

ErnesttheBavarian · 29/05/2017 12:50

Well, I have no idea in the work where you are, button thing is clear, no school system that is seriously preparing the next generation for the outside world is a game. That's just weird. Maybe they're clumsily trying to say not to get too stressed, who knows?

But I find your furious approach to something so trivial (and an inch or 2 of short leg is trivial) about such an old, almost adult child is concerning. Really, it's out of order how he have written about this teacher. I hope you haven't expressed these opinions to your dd, though I suspect you probably have. He hasn't been stupid, insensitive, thoughtless or unprofessional fgs, she's told another performer to ask her about her shorts!

And you're talking about all guns blazing and all sorts Confused

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 12:51

I've just read your op again.

I am absolutely bloody furious

I can see where your daughter is getting her tendency to overreact from-I think you both need to calm down.

specialsubject · 29/05/2017 12:52

She's late with learning that we don't all look the same, and not to cry about it. Time to help with that lesson.

Drama is for the stage.

Anasnake · 29/05/2017 12:52

I think there's a bigger picture here - you've uprooted her, moved her to another country - has she struggled to settle ? Are you feeling guilty about the upheaval you've put her through ? (Not being nasty, I have teenage dc's and would feel the same).
Is that why you're both over reacting to something trivial ??

VintagePerfumista · 29/05/2017 12:52

I'm just thinking back to 3 weeks ago when my dd (about 5ft 1 and ever so slightly chunky) was in a show and they all had to wear a black skater dress. Dd is 14 and lives in jeans.

I obviously completely under-reacted to this evil request. Confused

chickenowner · 29/05/2017 12:52

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

What a ridiculous thing to be furious about.

I actually feel sorry for the teacher.

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:53

Sigh. I already explained about the all guns blazing thing. Let's just agree that IABU and move on shall we? It's past my bedtime anyway.

OP posts:
SuperPug · 29/05/2017 12:54

Exactly what Lapin etc. said...
It is possible you're making your daughter feel even worse by kicking up such an unnecessary amount of fuss?
And this is exactly the shitty attitude that some NQTs have to put up with. They're "inexperienced" and therefore fair game for parents with too much time on their hands.
Fair enough if more serious accusations have been made but this is ridiculous.
Also struggling to see how this is real if a Yr13 pupil is taking place in a show. Not sure if you mean age 13?

Original poster
Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:55

...and yes Anasnake I'm pretty sure that's part of it. It has been a very big change for all of us.

Goodnight all.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 12:57

rollonthesummer
Absolutely. Modelled behaviour much.

grannytomine · 29/05/2017 12:58

OP I think going in the original shorts and folding them is a better option than the skorts. That way she can get the right length. As others have said she would stand out more if she hasn't got the costume right. It isn't unusual for teenage girls to be body conscious but I would say from experience, mine were teenagers a while ago now, the best thing is to not make a fuss unless it is something really serious like anorexia when you need professional health.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 29/05/2017 13:01

Good grief.

I'm glad I don't teach your DD. I give students messages all the time for each other - odds are, they are going to see their mates before I see them in the next lesson - but fortunately none of them have burst into floods of tears as a result Confused

I was geuninely expecting you to say that this teacher had told your DD that she was fat or something. Based on what you've written, I actually have no idea what you and your DD actually perceive the issue to be.

PeaFaceMcgee · 29/05/2017 13:01

I haven't done anything about this because...

It's not your place to wade in and speak for her. You can support her at home about her self image, but if the shorts are too long for her shape then that's it really - tell her to take them up if she sews. She's a young adult, she needs to feel confident in sorting things out and not have you storming and blazing at a non-issue.

anotherpoisonprince · 29/05/2017 13:01

I think you are assuming the teacher is not only aware of your DDs insecurities but actively using them to cause your DD distress.
Firstly how the he'll do you expect the teacher to be aware of all her students individual teen issues. Much less lesson plan to avoid them all?
To need to give your head a wobble. And maybe work on helping your DD to be more confident with her body l. Rather than reinforce negative feelings she may have.

Penfold007 · 29/05/2017 13:04

Nixie are you absolutely sure the teacher actually said your daughter needed to wear shorter shorts? I think it's far more likely the friend and the other dancers want her to wear shorts that don't spoil the look of the tutus.

NotYoda · 29/05/2017 13:14

I also think that you seem to have assumed that the teacher knows about your DD'S body insecurities and has tackled in this way in order to be insensitive in some way. You can't know that either of those things is the case.

Also, I think it's possible the girls are saying this because it's what they want and are passing the buck to the teacher

Finally, if it was the teacher, then she may have just mentioned it in passing to her friend, not realising it would cause upset - not made a big point of contacting the friend instead of your DD

Your thread reminds me of others we've had on here recently. A child has experienced an upheaval which has made them a bit vulnerable, and then when something else happens they get more upset. The parent, rather than recognising the upset as a symptom of the upheaval, starts blaming other people for the upset.

Ariawyn · 29/05/2017 13:18

"If this is such a very, very sensitive issue - maybe dance isn't a good option for your daughter? Dance is all about the body and performances are people watching the whole body...."

this!

NotHotDogMum · 29/05/2017 13:18

You are overreacting.

They were obviously asked to wear shorts under their tutus. What your DD brought in was not really what was asked for.

It is all hearsay anyway, your DD should talk to the teacher herself and not take messages through another student of what was 'apparently' said.

You need to back off and let your DD deal with this.

Nobody is making her feel uncomfortable about her body, it's her reaction that is off here.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/05/2017 13:22

You've accepted YABU, so ok, I won't add to that! Grin

But I have to agree that this is about the look of the thing, and not designed to "bodyshame" or otherwise make your DD feel uncomfortable. If she hates her legs so much (and I have sympathy, I have very ugly knees) then can she not wear a pair of thick tights under her shorter shorts? Then her legs won't be exposed to the same extent.

Maybe the teacher thought that it might come better from a friend, to gently suggest that her shorts were too long, and maybe the teacher got that wrong. But in the end, the shorts are too long and your DD needs to find a way around it. Tights = a potential option, worth exploring.

Toddlerteaplease · 29/05/2017 13:30

In floods of tears at being told to wear shorter shorts. In year 13, I get that she has body issues. But grow up!

OrraBoralis · 29/05/2017 13:35

It is shit like this that makes me sad for my DD. She is a NQT, coming to the end of her first year of teaching. It seems teachers are supposed to be super human, they are not allowed to make even the smallest mistake that you or I would make in general working life.

FFS, I am sorry your DD has issues with her legs but can you really expect a teacher to know every issue about every child they teach? Your DD has 3 choices or maybe 4.

  1. Wear what is required for the dance
  2. Negotiate what could be worn for the dance
  3. Don't do the dance
or
  1. Get mum to get furious with the teacher therefore teaching your DD that getting angry with teachers (who are probably giving up their time) works.

I just don't get people like you who take offence even when there is none to take.

I am 'furious' on behalf of all teachers and my DD!

MrsGB2225 · 29/05/2017 13:37

Massively over reacting!

AlexanderHamilton · 29/05/2017 13:42

I'm sorry I agree she is being too sensitive. I've done costumes for shows & under a tutu (which could be traditional ballet style or funky street dance style) cycling shirts are simply worn for modesty. I often asked for them to be worn as they are cheaper & easier to obtain than a leotard for those who don't dance regularly.