To be furious with this teacher?

[Nixie60]

DD is in Y13, has always been very academic but also quite sporty. She's not tall (5' 1") and not at all overweight, but is quite curvy and because she's done lots of running and martial arts she has very strong legs. Currently, the school are preparing for a stage competition and she got involved with some dancing for the first time. She's done really well at it, picked the routine up quickly, has practiced loads and has had lots of compliments from her fellow dancers. She was told that the only thing she needed to provide for her costume was a pair of cycling shorts and duly took some in. They came to about three inches above her knees.

Tonight, she has been in floods of tears because she got a text from a friend saying that one of the teachers wanted to know whether she had a shorter pair of shorts to wear under a tutu, if not, could she roll the ones she had up or borrow a pair from someone else? She's not at all comfortable in short shorts because she's self-conscious about her legs. Her feeling is that girls with slimmer legs look great in that sort of thing but it's not for her. She texted the friend back and said that she really doesn't want to wear short shorts but has a skort she used to wear for hockey which is a couple of inches shorter and would give that a go instead if that was OK. The friend has been very sympathetic and said she completely understands DD's feelings. However, DD is still very upset and feels she's been singled out by the teacher.

AIBU to think it might have been kinder of the teacher to speak to her face to face rather than ask a third party to contact her about this issue? Hopefully the friend won't say anything to anyone else but I don't understand why this approach has been taken. DD is feeling ashamed and anxious about what will happen if the skort is also deemed to be too long. I am absolutely bloody furious that she has been made to feel bad about her body because of some stupidity and thoughtlessness on the part of the teacher. I'm not sure if this particular teacher has some sort of issue with DD but it's not the first time I feel her behaviour has been not quite professional. She's very young, so maybe it's just inexperience, but she ought to remember what it's like to be that age!

I haven't done anything about this because I want to see what the reaction is to the skort, but AIBU to feel annoyed?

You're overreacting.
You're being very unreasonable.

Whoa...totally unreasonable. A tutu would look very strange with long cycling shorts underneath. You get that, right?

Your daughter should love her legs and her body and enjoy being young and strong and beautiful in a dance costume. She is making herself miserable for a nonexistent reason. Nobody is thinking about her legs, except her. We all have what we think are imperfect bodies, so what? Enjoy life. I spent most of my life worried about my legs (cankles) and even had people make comments but you know what? I should have flaunted my legs and enjoyed life and clothes and not worried about something so, frankly, dumb. My legs have never been an issue with my husband or when I dated. It is totally worry over what the other girls think. So what!!! I suggest you tell her to stop obsessing over a non problem. Flaunt those legs in that tutu!!!

The long shorts would actually draw attention to her legs anyway.

Stop crying and start living.

Francis-I was directly responding to a previous poster who used the word UK hence the quote at the top of my post first. Enough now.

And theymademejoin-plenty of times I have been on forums based in another country like babycenter and they use Grades in their posts about their school children and not once have I thought to post something rude such as Why do you write 7th Grade instead of the Child's age-it's so isolating!. I use Google if I don't know

Kitty - my comment regarding the insularity of using years rather than age was in response to your sarcasm, so you're obviously capable of rudeness on a forum.

theyademe

What a big old fuss over something you could google

Do you not have fingers either

I await your 'it's the principle of the thing" response

OK all, I acknowledged some time ago now that IWBU so you don't need to keep telling me! After a good night's sleep the world was a happier place.

I've just come back from the dress rehearsal and everything was fine. She sorted it out herself, wore the skort in the end and you couldn't tell. Actually they were more like the 80s ra-ra skirts I used to wear at her age. And the rehearsal went well, she was all smiles. Had to laugh at the fact that at least 2 other girls had longer shorts which could be seen under their skirts though!

As I said in an earlier post, this was just for fun and she isn't planning on doing dance seriously.

Thumb - yes, Southern hemisphere.

Is it 'Smokefree Stage Challenge' or similar? My experience of being involved in (behind the scenes) and watching other performances is that the costumes are VERY important - it is verging on performance art - although generally all made by the students. I doubt the teacher would be thinking about anything other than getting the look right and generally there would be a teacher just supporting the students who should be doing all the choreography and costumes, sets etc themselves.

I've never heard of "Smokefree Stage Challenge" is Braeburns, but it certainly sounds very similar. Yes, the students have done all the choreography, costumes, sets etc. themselves. Everything is fine now.

Yoda - you'll be waiting. I save my principles for things that matter.

I made a throw away comment, not demanding, not even requesting, but simply wishing that people would use age rather than year when referring to children. This was responded to with sarcasm which led to critical responses by other posters which then escalated into this fuss.

Nixie - delighted to hear everything is fine now. I hope your daughter enjoys the show and it might help her to overcome her self-consciousness. It's tough being a teenager at times.

Glad to hear all fine now. I hope the performance goes well!

Sounds like it is all sorted now.

One thing is that you / your Dd took the comment that "shorts too long" as a "legs too short" comment when it really was a "shorts too long" comment.

Does that make any sense?

Yes - if she was 6 foot 8 those shorts would be just perfect but she is a perfectly "normal" height - just shorter than average. The other thing to think of is that if she weighed 20 stone then the shorts would probably be about the right length. (As I discovered when I tried to put my 7 year olds cycling shorts on - they stretch outwards - I got them on! (Preen!) - but they become very very short.

So the teacher could be saying "legs too slim"!

Or maybe just "shorts too long".

was in response to your sarcasm
Which was in turn, in response to your first rude comment...

Kitty - I struggle to see what is rude about saying I wish UK posters would just use age rather than year for children. You're obviously a bit more sensitive than I am.

Glad it all worked out, OP!!!

I doubt that the Teacher had any idea your daughter was sensitive about her legs. She just asked her friend to pass on a message. No big deal.

Really glad it worked out ok!

I feel a bit sad that a sporty girl who runs and does martial arts feels self-conscious because of her athletic legs. misses the point

I wouldn't have thought this was anything to do with your DD's legs. The teacher only thinks that shorter shorts would look better and she's probably right. Long cycling shorts under a tutu would look ridiculous on anyone. You should be reassuring your DD and not adding fuel to the fire. YABU.

In all honestly I would not be happy with this, if this is the case then the school needs to provide your dd with a longer tutu. At the end of the day its her BODY, so if shes unhappy then that needs to be considered, and a compromise made.

OP, if you take one thing from this saga it might be this: teenage girls are frequently very emotional. One stray comment or funny look can send them off. But it's generally down to more than the comment or look. She's had a big upheaval in moving at this point in her education and social development. She's likely to be way more over sensitive than usual.

Next time, give her a cuddle and have a good chat before searching out the first person to get enraged with. Reassure her she's doing brilliantly,her legs look great and you are proud of her.

Enjoy the show.

I don't believe your DD is being singled out and I don't believe the Teacher has done anything wrong.

My DD has been doing Dance at School since Year 7. She takes part in the all of the plays, the showcases and the recitals.

I often get a list home. Short/nude/strapless etc etc. All those dancing get the same list.

The teacher simply wants them all to have the same costume. If 9 girls have short shorts and 1 girl has long shorts, it will be noticeable on stage. That's what the Teacher is trying to avoid. That's all.

I used to dance. Get a pair of dance tights, they will smooth and cover her legs which she can wear the shorter shorts over. They are flattering and comfortable.

YABU

That teacher had 1000 other things to do that day. They are working on this show on top of their already heavy workload for no extra money. She does not have anything against your daughter. She probably teaches a lot of kids, a few she is particularly fond of, most she's pretty indifferent about.

Wow, teacher probably made a passing comment 'need to speak to x and y just to get them to wear shorter shorts or roll them up and comment passed on daughter and ...floods of tears... rolling up shorts does not mean there is a problem with body shape. Don't take this the wrong way but do you have problems with your shape or constantly moan/talk about the bits you don't like. I have worked with girls who pick issues up from constantly dieting/fussing mothers but who also pick up from friends.... such a shame and a recurring circle
It is really sad that such a young girl already feels made about her body, sad thing is she is probably just great the way she is.

Maybe not rush to assume the worse and suggest the best in her comments until you both know/if it proves to be otherwise.