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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this teacher?

197 replies

Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 11:47

DD is in Y13, has always been very academic but also quite sporty. She's not tall (5' 1") and not at all overweight, but is quite curvy and because she's done lots of running and martial arts she has very strong legs. Currently, the school are preparing for a stage competition and she got involved with some dancing for the first time. She's done really well at it, picked the routine up quickly, has practiced loads and has had lots of compliments from her fellow dancers. She was told that the only thing she needed to provide for her costume was a pair of cycling shorts and duly took some in. They came to about three inches above her knees.

Tonight, she has been in floods of tears because she got a text from a friend saying that one of the teachers wanted to know whether she had a shorter pair of shorts to wear under a tutu, if not, could she roll the ones she had up or borrow a pair from someone else? She's not at all comfortable in short shorts because she's self-conscious about her legs. Her feeling is that girls with slimmer legs look great in that sort of thing but it's not for her. She texted the friend back and said that she really doesn't want to wear short shorts but has a skort she used to wear for hockey which is a couple of inches shorter and would give that a go instead if that was OK. The friend has been very sympathetic and said she completely understands DD's feelings. However, DD is still very upset and feels she's been singled out by the teacher.

AIBU to think it might have been kinder of the teacher to speak to her face to face rather than ask a third party to contact her about this issue? Hopefully the friend won't say anything to anyone else but I don't understand why this approach has been taken. DD is feeling ashamed and anxious about what will happen if the skort is also deemed to be too long. I am absolutely bloody furious that she has been made to feel bad about her body because of some stupidity and thoughtlessness on the part of the teacher. I'm not sure if this particular teacher has some sort of issue with DD but it's not the first time I feel her behaviour has been not quite professional. She's very young, so maybe it's just inexperience, but she ought to remember what it's like to be that age!

I haven't done anything about this because I want to see what the reaction is to the skort, but AIBU to feel annoyed?

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 29/05/2017 13:44

First off, I have no idea what year 13 is (I wish UK posters would just use age rather than year). However, based on previous posts, it would appear to be reasonably late in the education system. If that is the case and your dd is not used to dance, then it is probably fairly normal for her to feel self conscious about the outfits.

However, a child of similar age who has done dance for years would expect their legs to be on show. I'm actually surprised at the suggestion of shorts under a tutu. My dd (16) has done ballet since she was 4 and they are not allowed wear shorts under tutus. A school performance might be a bit different though.

The problem seems to be a mismatch between your daughters expectations of what is normal and what is normal for dance. If she wants to participate in dance, she needs to recognise that she will have to adjust her thinking so that she fits in with the normal costume expectations. Nobody will be paying attention to her legs when she is on stage if she is wearing the same as the others. However, the bicycle shorts, unless they are the same colour as the tights or her skin, will stand out like a sore thumb, effectively drawing attention to her legs. Maybe try to explain that to your daughter.

I see nothing wrong with the teacher passing on an innocuous message via a friend. Unless there is a massive backstory whereby your dd had already discussed her concerns with the teacher, the teacher would have no idea this would bother your daughter. I would see the request as no different to requesting your daughter to bring in a different colour t-shirt.

AlexanderHamilton · 29/05/2017 13:47

They made it depends on the type of tutu. A pull on or full tutu with internal psntsceouid look stupid with anything other than nude coloured high cut knickers underneath. But you can buy tutus that are meant to pull on over a leotard that don't have internal pants. For those cycle shorts are a good alternative if not wearing a leotard on top.

AlexanderHamilton · 29/05/2017 13:47

They made it depends on the type of tutu. A pull on or full tutu with internal psntsceouid look stupid with anything other than nude coloured high cut knickers underneath. But you can buy tutus that are meant to pull on over a leotard that don't have internal pants. For those cycle shorts are a good alternative if not wearing a leotard on top.

MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 13:50

Year 13 is usually 17/18 (sometimes 18/19 if they repeat a year).

So basically an adult.

PumpkinPie2016 · 29/05/2017 13:53

I'm sorry that your daughter is upset but I honestly don't think the teacher is suggesting there is anything wrong with your daughter's body shape and would no doubt be totally mortified to think she had caused upset!

I imagine that the teacher thought a slightly shorter pair would fit with the group as a whole - she probably tried to find her to ask if she had any other shorts. Chances are your dd had gone and her friend said 'oh, sorry miss, X has gone - do you want me to text her a message for you?' And the teacher has said 'oh yes that would be fab thanks - just ask her if she has any other shorts to under the tutu '

If it's an issue for your daughter she just needs to calmly speak to the teacher about it and I'm sure it can be sorted.

Babyonboard101 · 29/05/2017 14:01

If anything I'd be more annoyed if the teacher told her to cover herself up. Clearly the teacher sees nothing wrong with her

AtomHeart · 29/05/2017 14:15

OP - both you and your daughter have had a rather unusual reaction to this. I cannot see what the teacher did wrong. How on earth do you cope with life if you get so upset over nothing?

theymademejoin · 29/05/2017 14:19

Alexander - that is true. I guess I was presuming there would either be a separate leotard or a built in one, as that is what I'm used to. Obviously, it could be different for a school show.

corythatwas · 29/05/2017 14:31

Nixie, what I meant with my post was that it seemed odd that you should even contemplate being the one who deals with this (whether blazing or not).

If you had said "should my daughter go in with all guns blazing" that would have been a totally different discussion. But at her age, she really needs to deal with her own issues, even if emotional and in a new country.

Areyoulocal · 29/05/2017 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 14:54

Areyoulocal
Not a problem.
Our school years at secondaru are
Y13 -17/18
Y12- 16/17
Y11- 15/16
Y10- 14/15
Y9 - 13/14
Y8 - 12/13
Y7 - 11/12

Most secondary schools go y7-11 (11-16 years). Some have 6th form colleges attached so they go from y7-13.

theymademejoin · 29/05/2017 14:59

Thanks Maisy. Not that I'll remember next time I see it..............

MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 15:04

True. But at least you won't see y9 and think the child is 9. Hopefully.

I used to use a US forum and got very confused by 10th grade Freshmen etc

Iamastonished · 29/05/2017 15:12

OK. I have another perspective. If the daughter suffers from anxiety and low self esteem, answers telling her to grow a pair are spectacularly unhelpful. She just needs to understand that for a dance routine she will need to have similar costumes to the other girls.

Also, if she is in her last year at school why is she spending time on this and not revising for exams?

MaisyPops · 29/05/2017 15:16

Grow a pair may be unhelpful but equally if she has low self esteem and anxiety I'd be questioning why a parent would be happy for them to be in a dance performance wearing tutus etc.

Bottom line is if there's an issue then the parent and child should be responsible about extra curricular. If (more lilely) she's just over reacting in a similar vein to mum being furious then get over it and grow up is entirely appropriate.

corythatwas · 29/05/2017 15:27

Iamastonished, there is a massive middle ground between telling your anxious dd to grow a pair and fighting her battle for her. It is a long haul, but as I see it the job of a parent is as a calm sounding board, somebody who listens to her reactions without reacting themselves. Someone who will say "yes, I see that you have this problem, what do you think you should do about it?" Someone who says: "do you think you need to do something or just work on not being so affected?" Someone who will research and suggest techniques for dealing with emotionally tough things.

Ime if, as a parent, you live your child's emotions and try to fight her battles, you are just exacerbating the anxiety because you are telling her that she cannot cope.

FrancisCrawford · 29/05/2017 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

29Palms · 29/05/2017 16:05

Why can't people just say the child's age instead of talking in code?

As for the shorts thing and the message, how trivial.

NotYoda · 29/05/2017 16:09

A quick google will tell you what year is what age

No need to moan about not knowing.

29Palms · 29/05/2017 16:11

Why should anybody have to go to the trouble of googling? I can't see why people won't just say the age. You would at every other stage of life.

NotYoda · 29/05/2017 16:12

Erm, because it's derailing the thread and you've got fingers?

NotYoda · 29/05/2017 16:14

I'm 47 by the way.

29Palms · 29/05/2017 16:15

It's already caused confusion on the thread, so it's something that people might think about in future.

Anyway, who put you in charge of policing the thread?

NotYoda · 29/05/2017 16:18

OK I see what's happened here

KittyVonCatsington · 29/05/2017 16:20

Ok. I'm confused. You have said 'Goodnight all' but it is during the day here. Are you in another country OP?
At Year 13, my students have already 'left' for exams-I'm not really going to see them again. To think I'd still be vilified by some parents (like you OP) for giving up my free time for performances for saying something so innocuous but yet relevent to performing to a Year 13 who would be classed as an adult
Your DD wants to perform, OP, so she has to wear the costumes for the performance! It's not rocket science!
If she is self conscious about her legs, yet wants to perform, this is yours and her issue to work through, rather than insulting her teacher in an Internet forum Hmm

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