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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious with this teacher?

197 replies

Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 11:47

DD is in Y13, has always been very academic but also quite sporty. She's not tall (5' 1") and not at all overweight, but is quite curvy and because she's done lots of running and martial arts she has very strong legs. Currently, the school are preparing for a stage competition and she got involved with some dancing for the first time. She's done really well at it, picked the routine up quickly, has practiced loads and has had lots of compliments from her fellow dancers. She was told that the only thing she needed to provide for her costume was a pair of cycling shorts and duly took some in. They came to about three inches above her knees.

Tonight, she has been in floods of tears because she got a text from a friend saying that one of the teachers wanted to know whether she had a shorter pair of shorts to wear under a tutu, if not, could she roll the ones she had up or borrow a pair from someone else? She's not at all comfortable in short shorts because she's self-conscious about her legs. Her feeling is that girls with slimmer legs look great in that sort of thing but it's not for her. She texted the friend back and said that she really doesn't want to wear short shorts but has a skort she used to wear for hockey which is a couple of inches shorter and would give that a go instead if that was OK. The friend has been very sympathetic and said she completely understands DD's feelings. However, DD is still very upset and feels she's been singled out by the teacher.

AIBU to think it might have been kinder of the teacher to speak to her face to face rather than ask a third party to contact her about this issue? Hopefully the friend won't say anything to anyone else but I don't understand why this approach has been taken. DD is feeling ashamed and anxious about what will happen if the skort is also deemed to be too long. I am absolutely bloody furious that she has been made to feel bad about her body because of some stupidity and thoughtlessness on the part of the teacher. I'm not sure if this particular teacher has some sort of issue with DD but it's not the first time I feel her behaviour has been not quite professional. She's very young, so maybe it's just inexperience, but she ought to remember what it's like to be that age!

I haven't done anything about this because I want to see what the reaction is to the skort, but AIBU to feel annoyed?

OP posts:

WonkoTheSane42 · 29/05/2017 12:10

she'd clearly seen DD in the shorts and decided they were too long. She could have spoken to her then.

Perhaps she intended to after the rehearsal was done and it went out of her head until your daughter had already left? That could easily happen because this is objectively not a big deal at all. And if she had spoken to her directly it looks like your daughter's reaction would have been to burst into tears in front of her, which would have been a million times more embarrassing for her. I get you're sad that your daughter has body image issues, but the teacher has done absolutely nothing wrong here.

Mulberry72 · 29/05/2017 12:12

Sorry, but YABVU.

rainbowunicorn · 29/05/2017 12:12

I really don't get the issue. Your daughter is doing a performance, the shorts she brought in were too long and would show under the tutu and look a bit silly. Teacher forgot to say to her perhaps? remembered when she had gone and asked another pupil to see if she had some shorter ones she could bring in.

Exactly what is the issue here?
To be honest both your reactions are a bit bonkers. Your daughter is what 17 - 18 years old? Time to stop babying and let her start dealing with things like the grown up that she is.

ilovesooty · 29/05/2017 12:12

Another thread where I'm fucking grateful to be employed outside teaching.

I agree with the above posts and if your daughter has an issue she can deal with it.

Original poster

Nixie60 · 29/05/2017 12:13

Trifle OK, you think IABU. That's fine, that's why I asked. It would have been far more unreasonable of me to go in all guns blazing, wouldn't it? If this had been the first time this teacher had upset DD I wouldn't have worried about it. But it isn't, as I said in my OP. And the other issues have been nothing to do with DD"s feelings about her body.

OP posts:

mynotsoperfectlife · 29/05/2017 12:14

What else has the teacher done op?

Trifleorbust · 29/05/2017 12:14

Nixie60

All guns blazing about what? The teacher has done nothing wrong here, whatever she may have done previously.

yikesanotherbooboo · 29/05/2017 12:14

YABU to be furious with the teacher.
I can understand that you feel sorry that your daughter is upset but she is dancing as part of an ensemble and as such is not going to be viewed by teacher or audience as an individual. Perhaps you could put the point to her that it is like being part of a sports team . She may be feeling a bit wobbly because she is not used to dancing publically and presumably has the stress of exams going on but this event/ exercise should be fun . She could benefit from boosting her resilience ; and by the way should be nothing but proud of her sporty physique .

bruffian · 29/05/2017 12:15

my dd dances

they all had to wear very short shorts for a show

there are girls of all shapes and sizes. It would have looked stupid if someone had worn long shorts. Even the large girls looked amazing. You and your dd are seeing a problem where there isnt one!

SoupDragon · 29/05/2017 12:15

all the teacher has done is to ask Friend to tell your DD she needs a shorter pair of shorts. How on earth is that making your DD feel bad about her body? Her current shorts aren't right for the costume, that's all.

She's not meant to know your DD has personal issues with her legs.

barrygetamoveonplease · 29/05/2017 12:15

OP, sorry, you are being unreasonable.
The dd is year 13 - that's grown up. She will cope with having shorter shorts, or drop out.
You are being angry about nothing.
Take her out for new shorts.

DorotheaBeale · 29/05/2017 12:15

why couldn't the teacher speak to her directly about it?

Because your dd wasn't there? What actually happened? Was the teacher looking for your dd, but couldn't find her? Was it a meeting where the teacher was running through various points about costumes, and that was just one thing on the list? The teacher probably has 1001 things on her mind, asking someone to pass on a message (if she did ask, and friend didn't do it off her own bat) just meant she has one less thing to think about.

Iloverichtea · 29/05/2017 12:16

OP if there is a backstory about this teacher being unfair to your DD before now that may change people's viewpoints - understand if you don't want to, but maybe if you told us about that posters would know the full story and be able to give a more rounded opinion.

bruffian · 29/05/2017 12:16

a skort will look even more stupid

It sounds like she will be wearing a tutu over the top anyway??

Topseyt · 29/05/2017 12:16

Also, I cannot see the problem with the message being passed on.

I presume the message didn't refer to her as having fat legs. In fact, I think it is a compliment. She has good legs. She doesn't need to be hiding them. That would be my take on it. Not fury at the teacher. You are way overthinking it.

bruffian · 29/05/2017 12:17

Sports direct have lots of short black shorts btw, the LA Gear ones are the nicest!

TheFirstMrsDV · 29/05/2017 12:17

If my DD was that sensitive about her body I would be very concerned about her being involved in dance at all.
It is entirely about the body and how it looks.
How on earth is she going to cope?

Anasnake · 29/05/2017 12:18

Your dd is year 13 which means she's 18 or thereabouts - an adult. Teach her some resilience or are you going to fight her battles forever ?

Witchend · 29/05/2017 12:18

I suspect it will be more along the lines of:
Teacher: I must ask Nixiedd if she's got a shorter pair of shorts as I could see them under the tutu.
Friend: Don't worry, miss, I'll text her.

Rather than the teacher deliberately going through a third party. From my point of view I'd think it was less humiliating to get a text from a friend than have a teacher pull her aside.

Surely it isn't body shaming-that would be the teacher saying "tell her she needs longer than everyone else because of her legs".

But as someone who does costumes for shows, it is a complete nightmare trying to get people into matching costumes at times.

You say "can everyone bring full length black leggings" and most people will bring as you say, then one will bring navy blue "as I don't have black" one will bring cropped (which doesn't work as they need to be full length) and one will turn up with baggy black jog bottoms.

And if you have one in navy/short/baggy they will stand out.

If you get someone who's inclined to go up the wall when you say they need to be the same as everyone else it's a complete pain. I've had a hair ribbon thrown across the room (and then "lost") because they didn't want that colour. Apparently it "didn't suit her". You don't think "poor child it matters to them" you think "spoilt little diva".

Those who it does matter tend to come quietly and speak, or more often actually get a friend/parent to some and say something.
If someone comes to me and says they are uncomfortable/unhappy about some aspect of their costume then I will do my best to help. I can't always, but we can usually discuss why they need to. And it's not always to do with how they actually look in it. I once had a girl who looked totally charming in one of her costumes and she felt she looked dreadful. We managed a compromise by she had to wear it for one (but we agreed she'd be towards the back) and the second dance I put her and a couple of others in an appropriate alternative costume that all three liked. It was a pity in some ways as she really did look lovely, but it made her more comfortable.

WonkoTheSane42 · 29/05/2017 12:20

I'm not sure if this particular teacher has some sort of issue with DD but it's not the first time I feel her behaviour has been not quite professional.

If the other examples are as obviously innocuous as this one then I doubt the teacher has ever done anything wrong.

Piratesandpants · 29/05/2017 12:21

If this is such a very, very sensitive issue - maybe dance isn't a good option for your daughter? Dance is all about the body and performances are people watching the whole body....

Laniakea · 29/05/2017 12:21

why couldn't the teacher speak to her directly about it?

Why should she need to? It is a complete non issue - your dd didn't have the correct costume, that message was passed in to her. It is a complete non issue. There's no shaming, no judgement, no issue, no big deal.

[proper confused emoticon]

cardibach · 29/05/2017 12:23

I'm really surprised you and the school are allowing a Y13 student to take part in a competition at this stage - she must be in the middle of her A level exams and doesn't need the extra stress, never mind finding time to rehearse and revise.
The teacher has not insulted your DD, singled her out of been unprofessional. She has simply asked a question about costume.

Sara107 · 29/05/2017 12:23

I agree with other posters, this isn't body shaming! From the start of your post I was expecting something along the lines of the teacher saying the girl was too short, or her legs were too sturdy looking and so she couldn't take part. She is simply being asked to wear the same thing as the other girls. If a tutu is involved I'm assuming it's a more ballet like dance routine rather than, say, a streetdance type thing. And in that case, everybody wearing the same is usual. The teacher hasn't done anything bizarre in asking someone to pass a message along, I doubt that she thought it was a sensitive issue. If your daughter feels uncomfortable about the dress code she needs to just have a chat with the teacher. Maybe a pair of dance tights under the shorter shorts would work, giving her some cover but not really being noticeable from a distance.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/05/2017 12:24

Are you absolutely sure that the teacher has asked the friend to pass this on or has the friend overheard the teacher say something about short lengths and taken it upon themselves to point this out to your dd?

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