DH doesn't want me using mumsnet anymore.

[PullUpAGlass]

And he might read this since he's said he's going to trawl through the forum to prove that it's a terrible place.

All started last night when I made a joke to DH about LTB. He asked what that meant so I told him. This started an all night argument about how he hates mumsnet, thinks it's dangerous for relationships, thinks it's a forum full of man-hating and stories about blokes with their nobs out, it's a site which is degrading to men and offensive for women to use. He went on to say that it's not normal for women to obsess over a forum where everyone hangs out their dirty laundry and he wouldn't mind if I did the "normal woman thing of complaining to friends over a coffee" but mumsnet is beyond that, he hates it and does not want me using it anymore.

He also declared that mumsnet is "destroying his faith in human kind" and that he thinks he hates women.

I personally think he's being sexist, controlling and constantly gunning for a row.

So AIBU? Sick of the constant arguining (not just over mumsnet but about everything, it's constant, there is always "something")

Oh dear. He sounds worryingly like my P who nags me constantly to be his 'friend' on FB and thinks MN is dangerous. I have elected to stay home from a family holiday abroad so that I can get my very few and scatty ducks in a row and try and get him out of the house!

Yeh there's a certain type of man who thinks you're too stupid to notice if they're treating you badly and that you are basically an empty vessel that can be influenced by their good self or by bad feminists on the internet. Obviously you've no mind of your own!!

Im kind of with your dh although that makes me have double standards. Id hate it if he talked about me on here - esp if negative - to what is a bunch of strangers.

Don't get me wrong, there are some v wise people on here but there are also nutty ones whose opinions you have to take with a pinch of salt. Even i have to take a break sometimes

He doesn't object to you having a coffee and gossiping with friends...? Isn't that what Mumsnet is though? For those of us who are isolated, unable to communicate with their RL friends (for whatever reason), whose mothers are either totally crap or dead, who have a niggle of a doubt about their partner or spouse being a misogynistic, controlling freak of a man...?

Nine times out of ten, I'm of the opinion that a relationship is worth being in. This one, though, OP: your relationship, is the tenth. You deserve better than someone dictating to you what you can and can't read/think/look at/watch. I echo others when I say this, with a very sincere hope that you at least think about what has already been said.

LTB.

You, OP, are worth more.

Yeh there's a certain type of man who thinks you're too stupid to notice if they're treating you badly and that you are basically an empty vessel that can be influenced by their good self or by bad feminists on the internet. Obviously you've no mind of your own!!

Wow this is my H .

Haven't read the whole thread yet but - he thinks he hates women?? Were you able to hear that calmly, knowing it fits with his behaviour and demeanor, or did it shock you?

No wonder he wants you to stay away from a source of potential support that would tell you to leave a hateful emotionally abusive man.

LTB!!!

Why do you want to be with a man who hates women? You're a woman, right?

@thinkiamgoingcrazy and it was my x. If I ever managed to shut down one of his controlling arguments or techniques he'd say sneering ''did you read that in a magazine?''. No good argument, no reasoned petition for compromise could ever have come from my own 'bar' ; no, I had been goaded in to rebellion. Left to my own stupid devices I would have tolerated being treated like shit for ever. He still blames the back-slapping feminists on the internet for the fact that I left him. He doesn't consider that he wasn't good company, that he was controlling, verbally abusive, financially abusive. NOPE, randomers on the internet made me leave him.

Are you my ex's new wife, OP? Because this is exactly the conversation I used to have regularly with my ex.

My ex isn't a Daily Mail reading, right wing, women should know their place type misogynist. He's very left wing, advocate of minority rights, all about everyone should have equal rights and treatment... but a misogynist he is nevertheless, even though he can neither see it or admit it to himself. He thinks that feminism is no longer necessary as women have equal rights now - then gets incensed as he thinks it it the poor menz suffering at the hands of women who aren't happy just to be equal, they want to oppress men too. Not that he'd admit that out loud - he sees women moaning about their husbands on MN as perpetuating tired old stereotypes. And because I clearly wasn't equal enough to have my own mind, threads about abusive relationships would then lead me to find fault in my own relationship where none actually existed.

It's pathetic, controlling and very insecure of your DH to attempt to get you to modify your own behaviour, just because of his own insecurities.

Brogadoccio I've had it too - "the bitches on the Internet" or the "bitches/stupid people" who are my friends in real life.

And my political leanings are because of the internet - I am only repeating what other people say and should get off my phone (he is on the computer all the time).

So now there is no conversation at all between us.

I know the type. They don't want an equal partnership with a woman who is their intellectual equal. They want all of their needs met at your expense and they'll gaslight, bully and control you to cling on to the status quo, that only stands because of your mistaken original first impressions.

I haven't met anybody serious (yet?) but any relationship I've had since I left my x has been based on a connection and an emotional chemistry and an enjoyment of each other's minds. I wish I'd understood that that is what makes a relationship when I was younger. I don't know what I was when I meet my x. A vacuum with poor self-esteem. His ideal woman!

It's quite something how (some) men seem so threatened by a forum posted on predominantly by women but presumably see no issue with the misogyny which is rife all over the internet and social media. Oh and of course women with opinions who discuss them are "bitches".

The OP's husband is a complete misogynist yet thinks women discussing anything is "offensive".

Preface by saying I've read OP's posts and skimmed the rest (does a 'mea culpa').

One of the things that stood out to me is that the two of you had drinking to excess in common. That's a very strong 'tie'. Now that you've started to reduce/control what you drink I think you've 'outgrown' him and he senses it. Excessive drinking is often used as an 'excuse' for abusive behaviour by the abused spouse. And the abuser doesn't have to actually be drunk. The actions, thoughts, and ideas that are planted in one's head during alcohol binges stay there, even when one is sober.

I think you should think very carefully about what you're getting out of this relationship. Decide if it's 'worth it'. But above all, think very carefully about your 'loner-ness'. Is this something that's always been part of you? Or is it something that's developed (or 'strengthened') since you've been with him because he's slowly alienated you from family and friends. I tend to be a 'loner' too, as in I like my own company and am perfectly contented spending time on my own, but I still have friends I see and keep in touch with via email, texts, etc.

As far as MN, change your user name and in future be more judicious about what you share with him. No one has the right to tell you what to read or where and how to seek advice. NO ONE.

gosh it sounds so claustrophobic and stifling.

the once a week drinking to excess and once a year taking drugs but otherwise being a misery who doesn't want to do anything with you other than sit in watching tv made me think of a 'dry drunk'.

hope you're ok and aren't spending the bank holiday locked in an argument with him - been a while since you posted.

What a dickhead

While I enjoy MN to an extent, I can see where he's coming from. All my colleagues' wives are here (hello!) and the men all groan when Mumsnet is mentioned. They hate their wives puting their most private lives on here. And in some threads in particular on AIBU, many Mumsnetters do get into a frenzy, magnifying problems and goading the OPs to LTB. In reality, none of us understands what is really going on in the OPs' real lives. We cannot comprehend from a few sentences.

the men all groan when Mumsnet is mentioned.

Why? There are countless forums dominated by men, social media filled with misogyny, yet the only one which brings about this sentiment is one mainly used by women. I wonder why that could be. I'm also not sure how you can "see where he's coming from", given he's trying to control what the OP does, talked of "normal women" things to do and said he hates women.

MamaHanji has summed this all up splendidly.

To me it sounds like he's annoyed that he can't control who you are talking to online and what you are talking about.

No man that feels threatened by opinions on a parenting website is much of a keeper.

Even less so one who tries to forbid you from using it.

Why not go ahead and just join the gym? If the cost bothers your dh, (LOL my autocorrect changed "dh" to "child". Honestly.) add up the cost of the booze he is consuming over a similar time period and see how it compares. That's without going into the question of whether heavy drinking is a more beneficial hobby than exercising.

Why? There are countless forums dominated by men, social media filled with misogyny, yet the only one which brings about this sentiment is one mainly used by women. I wonder why that could be.

There's a reason why for decades popular media has pushed the 'truth' on us that women all hate each other - even secretly hate their friends - and see each other as rivals. It's because it's what a patriarchal society wants. Isolated women are much, much easier to control. Anything that is primarily for women is devalued and mocked, whereas things that are primarily for men approach the status of sacred - football, men's clubs, even stag do's (see the endless threads here where women are told they are unreasonable because they don't want their husband's staring at strippers' fannies while they are ill/overworked/will have a family birthday on that date. Mumsnet isn't perfect, and I personally suspect there is a good sprinkling of trigger ready MRAs among us, but on the whole women can come here and find compassion and support).

I hate to disapoint your DH but if the site was full of pictures of mens dicks I would not be here. Really does he think that thats all women think about? Tell him they aint pretty! No dick waving is the key to a womans heart never mind her knickers.

The man surely has tickets on himself.

I think he is properly intimidated by women having opinions and speaking out without having to ask mens permission.

Of course we dont hate all men, just the mysogynist, controlling, abusive wanker types Unfortunately your dh fits right in that catagory.

You seem to have grown up a bit and he doesnt want to, he wants you the way you were and under the thumb so you cant point out that him getting lost in bottles of booze every night instead of actually spending time with you in a nice way is all sorts of wrong. You arent supposed to point out his shortcommings, you are supposed to just accept them and let him drag you along. I suspect there are plenty other subtle ways he wants to control you. He doesnt hate all women he hates you for wanting to be an independant adult with a positive, normal relationship with him not watching him drink every night.

Most of MN is supportive, funny, informative and usually honest, why does he have a problem with that? I think he goes looking for stuff, the one in a hundred threads to prove his point.

He doesn't object to you having a coffee and gossiping with friends...? Isn't that what Mumsnet is though? For those of us who are isolated, unable to communicate with their RL friends (for whatever reason), whose mothers are either totally crap or dead, who have a niggle of a doubt about their partner or spouse being a misogynistic, controlling freak of a man...?

I bet that he only claims he wouldn't have a problem with her gossiping with friends because he knows she's a loner and wouldn't do that anyway.

IF she had some outspoken feminist friends and invited them over for coffee once a week, I am pretty sure his opinions on the matter would be different.

What is he bringing to the relationship that you actually want?