To hate spending time with my dcs?

[Backtohospitalagain]

I know I'm completely unreasonable and awful and a shitty mum. I hope it's just a phase but I don't know.

I work and see them for about 2 hours in the morning and 3 hours before bed. Then all weekend. I can just about bear it during the week but weekends just drag and this weekend has been awful to be honest.

They are good children (1.5 and 3) but constantly hard work, I can't sit down for a second it seems. Another long day with them tomorrow.

I'm going to drink a bottle of wine to myself tonight as I just need to escape. Their dad (my DP) is here so they're safe even if I'm pissed.

I'm tired and aching and really fucking fed up.

@ Backtohospitalagain
Don't feel bad, l used to be terrified of the days when l was alone with them, constant crying, clinging to me, it was exhausting, and l wanted them soooo much l felt like failure and but it gets easier as they grow... Don't feel bad, most of mothers feel like that at some point, but only brave ones say it out loud as they know they'll be judged, especially here... Don't let your children hear you, but let it out and soon it will get better...

What incredible support from you all.

Thank you so much. It means the world and has made me feel like I'm normal! I do have a real tendency to beat myself up over EVERYTHING, and your kind words have made me realise I'm not so bad after all. I will definitely seek help for my anxiety as i want to be able to cope better and enjoy more. It's hard to take that step but my children deserve that.

I love the canvas board idea tweetypie. My eldest in particular would love that. She's all for doing as much as she can by herself. When we're rushing around and struggling to get everything done in the morning it's easy to forget about her learning and doing more.

I'm going to go to work with a spring in my step this morning, feeling much more positive about me, my life and the future

I just have one, DH works a lot of weekends and we both work full time. Very little time to re-charge. A few hours to yourself makes the world of difference.

The day came, like a break in the clouds, when I realized I had quite enjoyed DS company.

Once we could just set off out for the day without military precision planning, stop for a bite wherever, eat something off the menu without a fuss, go to a normal toilet without a fuss, walk along chatting and hold my hand to cross the road, the fog started to clear. Still the odd challenging day but exhausting became less the norm. And then they start entertaining themselves for longer stretches, scooting along while you chat to DH/a pal. You get some head space.

I do remember getting to the weekend and wondering why I'd been looking forward to it. Arranging to meet other families/parents can help. Sometimes a larger number of children is actually less work, as they entertain each other. Toys never normally played with are somehow more fun when a different kid is around.

Also getting out to a child friendly destination. Season ticket to somewhere nearby where you can have a walk in the fresh air, sit down for a brew and ideally there's a playframe or similar close to the café. Money well spent if you can spare it. Couldn't care less if it's a zoo, castle or garden, I'm having a brew and sitting down while the kid blows off some steam. And we're out the house.

Also as they get older you can get them into regular activities. DS does drama for 2.5 hours Saturday mornings. I get a couple of hours to myself guaranteed and he always seems more settled afterwards. Even if you have to stay at the venue (e.g. swimming) I find having the routine helps get the weekend off to a good start, so if you can manage the likes of swimming as a regular weekend activity it can kind of help see you through the weekend.

Really no longer bothered by DH working three weekends in a row.

I have an almost 2 year old and almost 4.5 year old. I get you!

strawberrisc brilliant

Sounds like a bit of PND, even one year on! It's tough being a mum to smallies. My dd and I love each other to bits but that hasn't stopped me dreading the long holidays as we tend to annoy each other after a while. We were both relieved when she went to preschool! You probably need to find something that isn't work or being a Mum. I did nightschool just to have something where I could be me for an hour or two a week.

Back I'm so happy this thread has been generally so lovely and supportive - it's very reassuring (and I'm sure there will be lots of lurkers too!) that so many of us struggle with DC.

I remember that clock watching literally every minute until bedtime. I really struggled when mine were little and I can confess I worked long hours just to get respite from the constant noise (3 under 4 at one point). You've had so much good advice already but my "top tip" is - watch them sleeping Seriously, after a hard day when you're ready to sob drink wine, watching them asleep for ten minutes kind of "resets" you and reminds you how much you really do love them, despite everything! Also absolutely make time for both you and DH to have a few hours solely completely on your own. If you get a lie in, the other parents takes the kids out of the house. Every single week - it really will help increase general kindness levels which is what you all need, IMO anyway.

Other top tip (and bear with me here) if you drink wine, can you get out of the house instead - walking is good and running is better. Seriously, if someone had said that to me when mine were toddlers I would have either laughed hysterically or hit them but I gave it a try and it's so addictive (as is wine) but in a good way. Fresh air, just you, peace and quiet - it's brilliant!

Last thing is that I was a shit mother to little children but found older DC much much easier and much much more fun. I generally think people either are good with little ones or older ones, only 1% are good with both Stakes are higher when they are teens which makes it hard in some ways (parties, sex, serious exams etc) but I just find them so much easier to talk to, and rewarding in a way I don't find young DC to be.

So please take heart, it absolutely does feel more fun, it's not like this forever! Just get through it the best you can, and make time just for you as your own person, not just mum. Or muuuuuuum

I haven't read the full thread but wanted to add some positive thoughts...
You are probably in the hardest age right now - 1 and 3 are punishing! It will get easier!
Those hours after work and before bedtime are the hardest ones - children are tired and hungry. Don't feel bad for finding them tedious and hard work. It will get easier as they get older and have more stamina/can do things for themselves.
Everyone is different, but I know I got cabin fever if I was at home for the whole weekend with little ones. Try to plan one thing for each weekend - not too much or you'll be exhausted.
When you are feeling down, remember that many people feel the same way about v young children - you are not alone!

Oh and mine are too old to have had tablets but I totally would have let them have them

I totally get you OP. I have two, my eldest is an adult but my 6 year old is utterly draining. He has ASD. I am a lone parent in the truest sense of the word, my husband left, cut us off completely under instruction from OW and I have no family nearby at all. My Mum is dead. I find it utterly utterly draining. My son has had me in tears today already. It's not his fault but my God it's hard work and without any respite except school and bedtimes. Holidays send me over the edge. I find that getting out with him ALL the time is the best thing, he is fantastic when fully occupied. I know it's easier said than done. We all resort to wine I am sure. As another poster said, exercise is a fantastic habit to get into. I do this a lot, it clears the mind, produces endorphins and gives you peace. Worth pursuing IMO. You really are not alone in this! If course it is nothing to do with how much you love them at all, and 1 and 3 are hugely demanding ages. I really feel for you. Perhaps also ask DP to take them out for a couple of hours at the weekend so you can have a bit of a rest. It will get easier!

Colleagues were so lovely, telling me I'd be seeing her again in a few hours. I didn't dare tell them they were tears of joy!

How brave of you to post this OP - what a relief for ALL of us who feel like we're constantly treading water in a storm. X
Thank you

I'm not naturally what society would see as a good mum. I was never mothered myself and it's taken a lot of faking it to become the sort of mother I wanted to be so that now spending time with the children is easier and worthwhile.

It became easier around the time I became a SAHM. Maybe I relaxed a bit more but also the children became more chilled. They were in childcare alot including school holidays. I'm not suggesting that you need to become a SAHM but is there pressure to make weekends special instead of just being chilled?

I wanted to cry reading this thread OP. I have an 11 month DS and just dread the moment my DP leaves the house to go to work. I love him very much but feel like I can't cope a lot of the time. He doesn't sleep which makes it all feel 1000 times worse. I feel like I'm failing him and a terrible mother. You're not alone.

Thanks for posting OP and all the supportive replies. I have a 1 and 3 year old and find it so reassuring that it's a tricky combo, not just me. I had been feeling annoyed with myself not to be coping better post newborn days.

It's the sheer bloody relentlessness of it. I work pt but from home so it's not a brilliant escape. On the days I'm with the kids I sometimes could scream. The weeing with company, the crying, and washing up in 24 attempts as each time I was a spoon I'm summoned to deal with a dispute or a fallen baby. The kids are lovely and get on well mostly, but dear god, the tediousness!

Also, kids are not all the same. Some people look like natural parents until they have child 2 or 3, who comes complete with a personality more like mine and possibly yours and suddenly the natural parents are struggling to stay afloat.

Oh, and I let ours watch tonnes of TV (yes, I know that makes me Satan on here) when they wanted to. I can still quote, verbatim, whole chunks of Shrek and Monster Inc ...absolutely no harm done - they were both top at reading in their primary class, and both breezed the 11+.

I also did a lot of super easy, picnic teas - large towel on living room floor, bit of cheese, bit of bread, some grapes, a few crisps, a yoghurt each, DVD on a loop...it often got me through the dreaded Witching Hour between 5pm and 6pm,

Mine were born only 53 weeks apart, so basically as far as I was concerned all bets were off, and I did whatever it took to get us all through the day

And, totally agree with whoever said about not being a great 'BabyParent', but then going on to be a much better 'ToddlerParen't etc.

I feel I was a much better Mum to pre-schoolers than to babies. And, now they're early teens I feel I've really hit my stride being a Mum - I love having teen DDs (when they're not bagging my bleddy make-up, that is)

I was thinking about the TV thing today. The truth is, I was my parents third child and they let me watch a lot. On a Saturday they would lie in and I would turn on the tv and watch cartoons. I also got through my exams just fine, went to a top 5 uni and then got a law degree. It didn't harm my long term prospects and my parents got more sleep, making them better parents. I feel nowadays parents need to chill out a bit.

I think that's a good point about TV. I didn't watch much as a young child but watched loads as an older child. Even now I absolutely love telly. Not as much chance to watch it these days with 2 DC but I love the escape it gives me just to watch 30 mins or so on my own and don't think it did me any harm as a child.

In fact I remember being allowed to stay up later than my brother and watch The Bill once a week and feeling so grown up .

You dont sound depressed op, you sound burnt out. And understandably so, you're trying to do it all, and you need some time yourself.

I'd get annoyed if all my time I was on duty! Go to work and do that job then come home and do that job and never enjoy time off!

I really don't feel that TV is a problem. I know there are some parents who only allow their DCs to have 12 minutes of screen time on every third Tuesday in the month (whilst the parent stands over them, wringing their hands in consternation, of course).

Those sort of parents do tend to be the very uptight ones, I must say...

DH was one of the first people to get firstly a ZX Spectrum, followed by the Commodore Attari computer - he got them for Xmas, and his parents reckon they didn't see him again until the following Easter He went to grammar school, then a top university (studying maths and computers, not surprisingly).

Plenty of TV in my house too!! Not every day but always on rainy days and most other days there's a bit too! In summer it's a lot less (big garden) but if we didn't have that I would allow more TV. Both my DDs love it and eldest is really bright so have no concerns it's too much. I don't allow tablets / phones unless we are travelling because I find with TV they tend to play as well with the devices they just sit hunched over and I think that's bad (but not judging anyone for doing it!)

I have long come to terms with TV in our house. The oldest didn't want it at all until I needed to sit and BF the youngest for hours on end. I do keep an eye on what they are watching, and push them towards the garden but first thing it is a godsend. I can do breakfast, make a coffee, unpack the dishwasher etc in relative peace. Sit with them for a bit and check emails before showering and cracking on with the day. Likewise at the end of the day, when they are knackered and obstreperous I can sort dinner and get ready for the evening in peace.

They are some of the most active kids I know and certainly aren't at all dampened by it. I wouldn't want them watching all day every day (we do have all day film type days, when poorly or weather crap) but it certainly plays a role in keeping me sane.

Just to pick up on a point from earlier, I don't believe that anyone is an awesome parent to all ages, as they have such different needs. I am a great parent to babies, but I find the 'middle age' harder. When they are demanding and mobile but can't understand as much. 😂

Is Nottingham the best uni to attend if say perhaps one wanted to 'breeze' at their exams.

All that juvenile handheld computer action would be marvelous practice for hacking, one supposes.