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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate spending time with my dcs?

201 replies

Backtohospitalagain · 28/05/2017 19:16

I know I'm completely unreasonable and awful and a shitty mum. I hope it's just a phase but I don't know.

I work and see them for about 2 hours in the morning and 3 hours before bed. Then all weekend. I can just about bear it during the week but weekends just drag and this weekend has been awful to be honest.

They are good children (1.5 and 3) but constantly hard work, I can't sit down for a second it seems. Another long day with them tomorrow.

I'm going to drink a bottle of wine to myself tonight as I just need to escape. Their dad (my DP) is here so they're safe even if I'm pissed.

I'm tired and aching and really fucking fed up.

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/05/2017 21:57

Shakingandshocked you are correct. Sorry.

mynotsoperfectlife · 28/05/2017 22:00

It's because somehow children, or rather childhood, are supposed to be a sort of a key to a free, careless world. People who 'children love' are supposed to be good; people who don't like children are viewed as grouchy or downright unpleasant.

I don't like children. Including my own. They whine, cry, are dull, boring, do boring things like want to read a story AGAIN or watch postman pat AGAIN. They ruin outings by crying and whining. They insist on something and whine when they can't have it. Why would I enjoy spending time with them? Why would anyone?

It doesn't mean they aren't loved but I think being honest about the fact that generally speaking not enjoying spending time with three year olds is no reflection on your character would be a start.

LordBeefCurtain · 28/05/2017 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NamedyChangedy · 28/05/2017 22:07

I have two, 7 and 5. And no, it's not easy. Do you have a DP that can share the burden?

Other things that I find helpful are getting a head start. Doing things like having activities planned, getting up and dressed before they wake up, having meals prepped, or just doing easy meals every so often. My two are fairly predictable in that being hungry or tired will cause tantrums so I try to anticipate and avoid either situation. But it's incredibly hard some days - I think some people are naturally suited to caring for small children, but I don't seem to be one of them! But equally, I still miss them horribly while they're asleep and look forward to morning cuddles when they get up. It gets better - it must!

HollyHopewell · 28/05/2017 22:08

To add I have a similar age gap between my two youngest and once they turned about 26 months I found it start to get just a little easier each month Flowers

Serenaballerina37 · 28/05/2017 22:11

Six hours ago I would have said 'don't worry, things get easier when the youngest is approaching school age, just hang on until then' until about five hours ago when my six year old son punched me really hard in the back of the head (I didn't see it coming). Still have a throbbing headache and feel like enrolling him in holiday club this half term.

So the moral of the tale is that even at school age they are still hard work and do things that disappoint you but the bigger picture is better than it was a few years ago.

Keep going, OP. I think the early years are the same for everyone, unfortunately.

gandalf456 · 28/05/2017 22:11

You have a small gap, they are tiny, you work full time and it's a long weekend so you're not used to their company all day. Relax, have your wine and give yourself a break. I agree about not drinking the entire bottle, though, as you'll have a bad head and find it harder tomorrow.

Twerking9to5 · 28/05/2017 22:16

Another one here who could have written your post word for word, OP.

Same age kids and it's fucking hard. I work 3 days a week but seem to find the two I have with my kids the most stressful days of all. I get so wound up-I try so hard not to!

I broke down last week to DH - I'm on AD for PND but hadn't been taking them very regularly. Think that definitely had a bearing.

It's been good though to read through most of the replies and hear from others in the same boat. Hope you find a way to enjoy the time with your kids soon Flowers

LordBeefCurtain · 28/05/2017 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thegiantofillinois · 28/05/2017 22:35

Had to check this wasn't one of my threads from 4 years ago. I found adjusting between work/home hard. I now get why my dad used to come in, ignore us and put telly on. Sadly, I can't do that.

It does get better-especially when you can utter my favourite words: "go outside and play" or, when really battered, "do you want to go on the iPad?" Any periods of prolonged contact with them calls for a readjustment.

ShakingAndShocked · 28/05/2017 22:41

Twerking ADs are such powerful pschyotropic meds that it's not just 'they might not help you' if you don't take them regularly, it could actually make you ill. Depends on what you mean by 'not regularly' but you could inadvertently be slipping in and out of SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome (agitation, restlessness, nausea, sleep interference, dizziness/vertigo, loss of appetite to name but a few of it's many and varied symptoms).

Please don't think I'm anti ADs, rather more that I've been shocked to see how ill it is possible for some people to become via either a mismanaged withdrawal/stopping abruptly or not taking them regularly - prior to seeing it up close and personal I genuinely had no clue it was even a thing.

Frazzled2207 · 28/05/2017 23:05

I feel like you do quite often. Kids are 3 and 2 and it's bloody relentless.
No real advice but we do make a point of both having time out at the weekends, dh goes to his
allotment and I go for a run followed by a long soak in the bath.

theclick · 28/05/2017 23:09

OP kids are hard

Are there any grandparents who can take them for a few hours per week? Or relatives at all?

StorminaBcup · 28/05/2017 23:22

I have two ds (1 and 3), and it is exhausting and relentless. I'm a SAHM because it's not financially viable for me to return to work. I honestly don't know how you (or any other posters) work and juggle home life and manage such young children. I feel like I've just about got a handle on it and I'm at home all day.

Original poster
Backtohospitalagain · 29/05/2017 05:58

I didn't expect so many responses. Thank you - apart from the poster who said 'your poor children'. Twat. Don't you think I feel shit enough as it is?! I give them every ounce of energy and every second of my attention when I am with them. But when they are in bed I thank fuck because I am finding it all so difficult. So yeah thanks for making me feel that bit more shit about myself.

To all the others, honestly it's comforting to know I'm not entirely on my own.

We haven't had a night out for 3.5 years - I hate going out of the house as I do have some kind of (undiagnosed) depression and anxiety but I force myself to do whatever child related activities we decide each weekend. That's very draining for me. It's also having to be constantly on guard as other posters have said.

Also the worry. Am I feeding them right, are they bored, am I treating them equally - etc. I worry about it all which is very draining too.

My work is incredibly stressful (run my own business) and I am the only breadwinner and I've hated it because if the business didn't work what then. But thankfully after a few years of building it up it seems to be quite stable now.

I love my children more than anything in the world and would die for them. I would also love a bit of time away so I can refresh and come back a better mum, but it isn't going to happen.

My DP is the best dad so don't feel sorry for them.

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 29/05/2017 06:06

It's only a small thing but I really agree with a previous suggestion of getting up and dressed before they get up. It's tempting to stay in bed to make the most of every last second of sleep when they're younger. But I have found being ready to face the day before having to deal with the DCs makes a big difference mentally.

Twerking9to5 · 29/05/2017 07:07

shaking I knew it could affect the balance of things but hadn't heard of that before. Thank you-I'll look it up.

Twerking9to5 · 29/05/2017 07:11

OP-could you look into counseling? If you see your GP they can make a referral and, because you have small children, it should happen relatively quickly.

You will probably feel like you don't have time but it could make the world of difference. I'm an anxiety sufferer too and get exhausted by "being on guard" like you said. I've had a few CBT sessions and it really has helped. Doesn't erase it, but gives me strategies.

Also, the headspace app is brilliant.

Ellieboolou27 · 29/05/2017 07:20

Op in the same boat and mine are almost 5 and 20 months.

I work 3 days and although I'm not overly keen on my job it's a joy to leave the house Grin
At 1.5 and 3 they are bloody exhausting and it's boring, unless I have planned activities or a day out I count the hours until 7pm!

I actually can't wait until dd2 starts nursery, that's not to say I don't love my kids, it's normal to feel like this at times, and it's so much easier once they start school.

Mothervulva · 29/05/2017 07:26

I have a 2 and a 3 year old, 17 months apart and there are days when I'm seriously done in and I do not find them charming. It's their lack of ability to be able to do anything. We were walking along the sea front yesterday and I realised when they could just walk along without falling over/being crushed by a car/needing constant watching would be marvellous. Some mornings the thought of getting them up and dressed and starting the day over is really depressing. No tips really, but lots of sympathy.

passthebrie · 29/05/2017 07:33

I have a 3.5 yo and a 1 yo and I'm a full time SAHM and I'm losing my shit on a daily basis. I have Pnd, ptsd from the births and no friends thanks to having moved 100 miles away from our home time. No GPs in the U.K. DP is amazing at helping out but resentment builds as he feels the strain of juggling both worlds and supporting me.

I find the following helps:

  • counselling
  • regular exercise, even if it's a walk around the neighbourhood
  • journaling (even if every day says FML)
  • occasionally taking a whole day away from the family and escaping to another town
  • drinking (in moderation!)
  • box sets

I stand in solidarity with you OP, and so many people have insinuated to me that working p/t would alleviate some of the worst of being around kids this age. It's interesting to observe that it doesn't always make life easier. I don't think there is a "good" way through this stage other than mercifully the passage of time.

Hang in there CakeBrewWine

Kennethwasmyfriend · 29/05/2017 07:34

OP it's always trotted out on feeding boards that a happy mum = happy baby. I don't think the poster saying "poor children" meant to be unkind to you but really, children will pick up on it at some level if parents are stressed and unhappy. You can't summon more energy out of nowhere, but you mention having some kind of undiagnosed depression - well there's an opportunity to make an improvement at any rate, book an appointment to see your gp today. Don't condemn yourself to soldiering on through the next few years without exploring every option you have to feel better.

YerAWizardHarry · 29/05/2017 07:36

Haven't RTFT but I actually find my son more difficult in shorter doses. When he isn't with his dad and I have him longer periods of time we get into a better routine and enjoy each other more. When our contact time is more disjointed I find myself getting stressed out and wishing for peace.

JimbosJetSet · 29/05/2017 07:38

I have recently discovered the book 'Hurrah for Gin.' My kids are a bit older than yours (but the same age gap). I wish the book had been around a few years ago - it would have made me feel so much more at ease with my feelings of anxiety/guilt/boredom/need for alcohol in the context of looking after small children - I highly recommend it!

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 29/05/2017 07:43

Yes the hurrah for gin Facebook page is also brilliant. The antidote to all the 'best years of your life' and 'just enjoy it' crap Smile. She writes regularly on her Facebook page on how important it is for parental mental health to acknowledge the difficulties.