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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate spending time with my dcs?

201 replies

Backtohospitalagain · 28/05/2017 19:16

I know I'm completely unreasonable and awful and a shitty mum. I hope it's just a phase but I don't know.

I work and see them for about 2 hours in the morning and 3 hours before bed. Then all weekend. I can just about bear it during the week but weekends just drag and this weekend has been awful to be honest.

They are good children (1.5 and 3) but constantly hard work, I can't sit down for a second it seems. Another long day with them tomorrow.

I'm going to drink a bottle of wine to myself tonight as I just need to escape. Their dad (my DP) is here so they're safe even if I'm pissed.

I'm tired and aching and really fucking fed up.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 28/05/2017 19:29

We all have bad days mate, but if you often feel like this then you need to make positive changes within yourself. Get help from outside agencies if needs be. Your kids are just being kids.

What sort of things do you enjoy doing? Beach? Museums? Eating out?

You need to plan activites that you'll enjoy together.

missiondecision · 28/05/2017 19:29

Don't let people guilt trip you.

Pigface1 · 28/05/2017 19:30

What is it specifically that you hate? Is it the fact they're totally exhausting - and if so in what way are you finding them exhausting?

alittlehelp · 28/05/2017 19:31

You are neither awful nor a shitty mum. Little kids are hard work and tiring, especially when you're knackered after a day/week at work. Your dp should be sharing the load if he is around at the weekend. I wouldn't cope without some time to myself sometimes, I don't see that as something to feel guilty about and it doesn't mean I don't love my kids. Xx

greenworm · 28/05/2017 19:33

Your poor children

If you gave a shit about the poor children you'd offer some actual advice.

donajimena · 28/05/2017 19:33

doggy I've just been out for dinner with my youngest. We were watching a father walking around the block with a baby. Several times. I said to my son. 'Thank god I don't have to do that anymore'
I'm taking the boys camping this week. My idea. I'm looking forward to it! I never thought I'd feel this way. When mine were toddlers I couldn't help but think having them was not my best idea Blush

Believeitornot · 28/05/2017 19:34

Getting out of the house is the only way when it's like this.

My mum was a single mum and I have memories of lots of trips to the park, London and the seaside because, I suspect, she found it hard with me and my brother. I don't remember her playing or reading to us or anything really.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 28/05/2017 19:36

Your poor children

I found the bellend, do I win a prize?

Finola1step · 28/05/2017 19:36

When my dc were small, there were many, many days where I couldn't wait for bedtime - from about 9am. Young dc can be absolutely fucking draining. And bloody boring.

In all honesty, I did have depression at the time. It was at that point, undiagnosed. Life is a hundred times better now that I am well. But also because the dc are older. They need me just as much but in a different way. In a way that I am more comfortable with.

Are you able to talk to anyone in rl backto?

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 28/05/2017 19:38

I have just commented on a similar thread. It can be fucking awful and yes, relentless, at those ages. Guilt tripping is pointless - we all need to vent sometimes. It does get a bit better as they get older but I still find it very hard work. You are not alone Flowers.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/05/2017 19:39

I have a 3 year old and boy he can be hard work at times.

I work three days a week and have four days with him. I have found that what helps is taking him somewhere every day just to get us out the house for a few hours and for there to be a time period where he is 100% relying on me for entertainment.

Yesterday I was housebound so for 13 hours I was stuck indoors with him and it was hard work trying to keep him entertained for that time period. I was dreading it.

Sometimes I arrange his childcare to purposefully make him be with his CM on a day I'm not even at work just so I can have a break. I probably do this about twice a month.

It's ok to feel dread sometimes in relation to spending time with challenging/tiring DC's but if you feel that way far more than you do enjoying them than maybe you need to speak to someone about how you're feeling. Does their dad know? Have you spoken to a close friend or could you?

I do find some days hard work with DS but 90% of the time I look forward to spending time with him, I enjoy playing with him and we have lovely days together.

Do you miss them when you aren't with them? Do they make you laugh and smile?

How much time do you get just to yourself? We all need me time because children can be exhausting!

FreeSpiritJen · 28/05/2017 19:44

@finola

I did have depression at the time.

Yeah that is what I read into the OP's post. She sounds very blue, like she needs help, and a break. As has been said, young kids are demanding, and hard work, and to be at work full time and then come home to housework and toddlers can be a struggle.

I do wonder if her partner helps and what job she has/if she enjoys it etc...

DianneDionne · 28/05/2017 19:45

YANBU but you need emergency strategies and fast! This might sound daft but on my worst days with the children I can never think of anything to 'do' and it makes things a lot worse. What I did was make a huge list of activities to do, starting with simple things in the house to complicated days out. I also had lists for days out of things I'd need to take with me and timings for getting there. On difficult days it made it a lot easier because I didn't have to think, I could just check my list of things to do and choose one that might work.

For the day to day things, turn things into a game. Tea time is often a picnic on the floor for us, usually in front of a film. Bribery will get you everywhere too. Bedtimes I can't help with, my 4 year old now follows me round the house after being an angel for the last 3.5 years but my 2 year old loves stories and songs before bed. It's bloody hard work.

It does get easier, mine are 2 and 4 now and I'm starting to see a difference. You are no different from a lot of us WineCakeFlowers

greenworm · 28/05/2017 19:46

I don't have children but am a stepmum, I can relate though I know it's not the same. One thing I'd say is that I enjoy spending time with DSS so much more now that he is a bit older. There is less pressure because he can entertain himself more (when he was little he just didn't know how to do this and I found it quite draining) and also the time we do spend together is so much more fun. He is funny, clever and we can do things together now I actually enjoy too, like playing board/card games, watching films etc. When he was little the time I spent with him one on one was nothing like it is now.

Honestly part of the reason I don't have children is because I think I'd feel like you do when they are little. I'm sure lots of parents do, but mothers who actually admit it are looked down on. Fathers for sure get away with it a lot more. And pretty much throughout human history until the last couple of generations parents were not expected to engage with their young children in nearly the same way as today. There is so much pressure on mums today, I think.

Be kind to yourself, try to find a balance. How much does your DP do? I wonder if you feel as bad as you say and feel the need to plan in advance to drink a whole bottle of wine to escape, whether it could be worth thinking about whether you might have some form of depression? Do you have a history of that, either yourself or in your family?

Vroomster · 28/05/2017 19:46

Mine are at the whiny follow me everywhere stage, including to the toilet. And they wake at 5.30am. I'm done in.

FairlyConstantNameChanger · 28/05/2017 19:47

See I wonder about depression. I don't think I'm depressed but I certainly don't look forward to every day (I am grateful to be alive and do count my blessings), don't think life with small children is fun and have a horrible boss and my messy house stresses me out.

I think life is just hard work with children but often wonder if others feel the same way. Certainly any friends I speak to honestly say they feel the same and don't see things improving until children much older. I am assuming they are not all depressed. It's just tough unless you have a lot of child free time to get things done or you find parenting easy.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 28/05/2017 19:49

The only way I coped is taking them out too. Even in the rain.
Just go out. Sometimes do parks etc and sometimes do things you want to do. It's your life too.

Do one bit of physical play with them a day - tickling them, chasing them, be a kissing monster. It's a bit of a stress release as well as a way of being connected to the kids.

I used to have a check list to make me feel positive about being a good mum
Fresh air - check
Cuddles- check
Playing - check
Books - check

Then I didn't feel bad about letting them watch tv and having a cup of tea and going on my phone for a bit.

Also, schedule some time for yourself to do something you want. The demands of work and parenting are tough. You need some time to just be.

Lisa9819 · 28/05/2017 19:50

youre not alone, it can be emotionally draining especially with those ages.. Do you have a babysitter that you can call on regularly? Ive found that getting a regular night out (maybe a Friday or Saturday night) that your kids can have someone fun to play with while you get to go out with DH and friends to be a real life saver. We also have a gym that has child care and even on weekends I'll go drop them off and go work out or go to the pool... little things like that seem to really help since it gives you a bit more of a break and breaks up the day a little more. Also the kids enjoy themselves a small well so that helps!

FreeSpiritJen · 28/05/2017 19:51

The great thing is OP - as some people have said - is that it will get better Smile

EB123 · 28/05/2017 19:51

Those ages are hard work. My older two have a similar gap and at that stage I spent quite a bit of time refereeing. It does get easier though, they are 4 and 6 now and have spent most of today playing upstairs in their room together giggling away x

April229 · 28/05/2017 19:53

It's hard.

Me and dp try and give each other a break, he will take dd out for a couple of hours on Saturday- I do the same on Sunday so we both get a break from everything, with no expectations that house work will be done in that time. Just some non baby time to stop for a bit. Could that work?

I also find that a structured activity, although it can feel like a lot of faff to plan helps. Maybe Crayons and paper on the kitchen table, paddling pool out if it's a hot day etc. so you can get them into doing something that will distract them that is ready to go when they get restless?

Atenco · 28/05/2017 19:55

Another one recommending getting out and about with them.

And it is good to acknowledge problems as that is the first step to finding solutions.

EezerGoode · 28/05/2017 19:56

Isn't this what soft play centres are for? Head to on .camp out for the day with a book .i sit and file my nails when we go...it's not perfect,as it's noisy,and they do keep coming back to me...but hay it's a break of sorts

SarfEast1cated · 28/05/2017 19:57

To derail ever so slightly, all of my friends seem to be exhausted, stressed and anxious at the moment (hopefully it's not me) I think it's worth remembering that working and having children is like having two jobs, and if you crank up the pressure at work or home, it can be really unbearable.
That whole bottle of wine might give you a hangover/depression and make you feel like shit. Can your DH or mum take the children and give you a day of peace? I found that having some really fun mum friends really helped when my DD was little, it was the only thing that made it bearable sometimes.
Good luck OP

ImNotReallyReal · 28/05/2017 20:00

It's hard.

I work full time. DH works full time too. My life is difficult (I earn well, from the outside it looks perfect). Our lives are actually crap, it consists of get up kids, work, kids (get dinner on), bath and bad, rinse and repeat (add a fight between us once a week). We have no time for each other and get fed up with the children.

At least my colleagues have been through it and offer support. Apparently it does get better?

Have your wine and get off to bed Flowers