To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

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I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

Also, I totally agree that, especially when kids are small, there are many careers where the salary would not cover the childcare cost. That's why I was a SAHM for a time. For a short time I actually paid to go to work. Now working is financially worth my while, but only because DC are at school (state).

OMG. I read the OP's post and thought, yes I agree with you. Then read 2 pages of her being attacked and given biscuits Jesus.

From a child's point of view I agree with you OP. My mum was like yours, there all the time and a SAHM. She never had any career aspirations and has never mentioned over the years about her not working and staying at home.

I loved the fact she was there all the time. And at all events and went on trips when the school needed parents to help. And btw I've a REALLY difficult relationship with my mum over the years. It's want the best childhood and she was not the best mum.

I work 30 hours a week and now i have 2 kids I keep thinking about doing less hours to spend more time with my children while they're young.

The OP is not being goady or having a go at working mums. She's talking about ideally for the kids.

I can't not work but my kids don't care what I'm doing when I'm away from them just that I'm away. It's not having a go at working mums. Unfortunately it's the way life is. I hated going to childcare whenever it was needed as i just wanted to be with my mum.

I didn't say I agreed with dinosaurs though did I? I'm saying from my perspective, OP is saying working parents don't have freedom over attending school events, pickups, play dates and generally being there for their children and I am saying that is categorically not the case therefore OP's attitude is just as bad.

Being a SAHM is nearly always the choice of the well-off. There is nothing inherently noble about opting out of supporting yourself

I disagree - it also comes down to what options are available to you, which vary depending on circumstances.

As I've said on another thread, my mum was a SAHM - she was also a treasurer of a local charity, a justice of the peace, a registrar, secretary of a local club, and a presiding officer for elections. She set us a stunning example from who she was, not whether she worked or not.

Most of us just do what we feel is best within the boundaries of our circumstances. Some have no choice but to work, some have no choice but to stay at home due to childcare being so expensive. If you're forced into doing something you're not happy with, then that's where things are crap. Because maybe you liked your career and it's torpedoed or maybe you really wanted to stay home but finances mean you're working the back shift.

If you've got a choice, both choices are equally valid. working mums set a great example, sahms set a great example.

good parenting is where you provide a stable and safe and loving environment and bting up your kids to be decent human beings. Working parents do that, sahm parents do that. It's a total non issue, do whatever is best for your family.

I think that if you are a SAHM after the kids are school age, you are setting a very poor example to children of either gender. I think you are teaching them sexist values (women stay at home, men do stuff in the world).

I agree. I think it is completely backward and un-feminist to rely on your husband's money to feed yourself, and to give up a degree and education in order to do drop-off and pick-up.

Living an outdated stereotype to please your husband and enable his career, while sitting on MN bitching about why there aren't enough women in boardrooms.

And with regards to setting a good example I think it comes down to values and treating others well overall as opposed to SAHM vs working mum

smellbelina oh yes, I probably could too! I don't bergeudge them their gym/coffee/instagram/long lunch lifestyles (okay, maybe I do a bit but I can't take it seriously when they say with a straight face to me (work 5 days, 2 DC) how knackered they are and how stressed and can't fit everything in! Also they tend to be the last to reply to emails etc!

My mum worked full time when I was a child and I hated it. I hated going to a child minders after school when I just wanted to go home, I hated not spending time with my mum, I hated counting down until I was picked up. If I was honest I have no memories of my parents as a child. However now I'm older I have the utmost respect for both my parents working and providing for us and I fully understand and appreciate my mum had no choice.

My childhood did shape my choices though and I am now a SAHM and wouldn't have it any other way, I don't want my children feeling the same way I did and am very fortunate to have the choice.

That's just my experience everyone's is different and no mum is 'better' than the other. Some of the posts about SAHM's are shocking and I think mostly guilt talking. Some are fair and balanced. Same with the comments towards working mums. Such a shame we pit against each other, you don't see men doing this.

He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?
...

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better?

Orchid that's why it's goady.

This is just another goady thread to make women fight with each other over their choices.

YANBU, OP. Lots of nasty, uncalled for responses on this thread.

'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.' comes to mind.

Interesting question, this. Are Josh's mum's contributions to her local community worthless because she did not get paid for them? Would the argument of the articles I wrote between dd's hospital appointments suddenly have acquired more value if they had been written in an office as part of a paid role? Does work have no intrinsic value apart from your name on a pay roll?

Yes, I can see the problems with women doing unremunerated work. Yes, perhaps this should not be encouraged. But suggesting that someone who plays an important role in her community like Josh's mum should be ashamed of herself for not contributing?

Such a shame we pit against each other, you don't see men doing this.

Men don't simply as they rarely get a choice in not working, they are expected to by much of society and their partners.

OP. I agree 100% with what you've said.

The whole point about marriage is that it is supposed to be a partnership - finances shared, parenting shared, running the household shared. If you take that as a starting point, then it's bullcrap that one partner is financially supporting the other as pp have said.

You're dividing out the business of running a family (including wage earning) between the partnership. Impossible to say that there is a right way to do this because it depends on so many factors.

On the question of whether it's a bad example to be a SAHM. I'm partly a SAHM because of the experience I had with my DM working out of the home. So it works both ways... Or perhaps it just depends on the individual

Peppa I was using dinosaurs post as an example for why I do believe there is an implication that SAHMs don't set a good example. We don't have to agree, that's fine.

My education and experience from my career still comes in very handy.

corythatwas I interpreted actually that Josh's mum was setting a great example by doing what she was doing and was working regardless of whether she was paid or not. That's a huge amount of stuff to do by anyone and can easily see the value in it, not whether she was paid or not.

I saw this on another thread today and I did think please stop that shit.

It's such a patronising and rude thing to say, as if SAHM are nothing to anyone.

Of course wohm set a good example to their children, they provide a good work ethic.
It's not the only way to provide this though, a sahm can do it just the same without working.
Any family that encourages working together as a team, working on individual tasks, can do it whether wohm or sahm.

I think in the days when it wasn't the norm for mums to have a career it probably did set a good example. There was an even greater need to demonstrate that a women's lot doesn't have to be that of primary carer/the one who provides support for everyone else, at her own expense. There was a time when it would have been outrageous for a mum to work or a dad to be a 'homemaker'. IIRC, where couples both worked in the same office in the civil service and got married, the wife was no longer permitted to work there! Married man's tax allowance etc.

Does it set a good example now? It completely depends on the mum and the family. If everyone is happy yes.

Is a happy SAHM setting a bad example? No.

I wish part time careers were more common so that mums and dads could enjoy/experience working and family life without the stress that so many fulltime working couples have.

It's Groundhog Day.

My mum was a SAHM and honestly it was rubbish. It fuelled her with a lifetime of mental health issues and she was absolutely miserable and totally controlling with it.

Yeah similar experience. I am in a professional job now and my mum just doesnt get it. She doesn't understand the working world having from what i can gather, barely having worked at all. I cant relate to her.

OP you cant generalise.

I cannot believe some of the really rude comments on here aimed at the op, particularly over being a Mum.

Op, my Mum was a sahm until I was 5, at this point she worked part time for a few years before working full time when I was 9 years old. I am currently a sahm, but had a professional career, a Degree and a Post Graduate qualification. I am currently studying part time for a second Degree in a completely different specialism to broaden my horizons.

My DH's Mum was a sahm for all of her adult life (as is her sister), and they have 9 children between them - 8 of whom have Degrees and Post Graduate qualifications & professional careers, the remaining one runs a business.

In my experience mentioned above, it doesn't matter if your parent is a sahm or working full time in terms of aspirations etc.