To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

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I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

Also, while I do a lot of voluntary work so this isn't person for me, I don't think SAHMs need to be SAHMplus (i.e. devoting their time to worthy causes) in order to have value in society.

I dislike the hierarchy that seems to be emerging in threads recently:

Top WOHP (so inherent contribution to society no matter what their job purely by value of receiving a wage packet)
Middle SAHMPlus (allowed to be considered to have some value by some as they "contribute to society")
Bottom SAHM (freeloader unless they do every single thing which is housework/child related in which case still worthless but may escape the "lazy" tag).

"isn't personAL"

I say that I much preferred my mum being around after school. I honestly don't think anyone can really disputed that most 7 year olds would prefer that. It's not a judgment. It's reality.

I'm no expert but I wouldn't imagine that most seven year olds have the capacity to arrive at such a preference. At that age, they're far more likely simply to accept that what their own parents do is the norm.

My mum worked nights in a shit job when I was a little kid, and then did an NHS degree with a tribe of little DDs, and then she got a senior nurse manage job within four years.
That I feel, in particular the later bit, has set a great example for me, as I have fallen pregnant at uni and would've likely felt I couldn't do it if I didn't have a student mum.
She still did all my cooking and we did fun stuff together, my childhood was full of pony riding, and swimming and tons of quality time.
"Setting a good example" is relative, my mum had to work, I will be a working mum. I don't have a choice, where I live the jobs are shit, but I need a support network. I'm sure sahm's set a different but equally valid example. Who cares.
Your occupation is not indicative of your parental aptitude

At that age, they're far more likely simply to accept that what their own parents do is the norm.

I agree with this.

I never told my mum how much I hated her not being around after school and on holidays because I thought that was the norm and there was no alternative. It was only when much older it came up in conversation and I admitted I don't really remember my parents growing up I just remember my childminder and my aunt who would step in if I was ill and went home. My mum was really upset I never voiced how I felt when I was younger but it was all normal to me at that time!

The thread was started by someone surprised by a comment implying SAHMs weren't a good example. The OP disagreed that either was better but there are pros and cons.

If your child only uses you as their inspiration in life they are going to have a very narrow field of experience to draw from. Many SAHMs have parented girls who've gone on to be interesting, high powered and talented working women. More important is parental involvement and not being in poverty - working or not. As have working mothers.

There are many mothers doing a great job, working or not, who feel crap about their situation. There are women in the world up against far more difficult challenges with more detrimental effects on their children. Get some perspective and give each other a break, men don't bash each other in this way so why do we? And a marriage is a partnership, I'm sorry for those of you unable to trust their husband but I was happy to do so for those early years - we were better off due to extortionate childcare costs and he could work without worrying about illness and nursery pick ups. I actually had all the control of the family finances and it was all joint. I found a new job very quickly and have another 35 years of working life to go. Life is about more than work and also about more than being a mother. Let's get some balance.

Actually my DC are incredibly proud of what I do for a living. It's quite visible though and easy to get. They tell all their mates who ask me about it ( and their bloody teachers).

You just can't generalise about SAHMs. It depends on why they're SAHMS and whether they enjoy it or not and what they do with their time.

I disagree with people who criticise SAHMs for 'relying' on their partner's income. It puts the SAHM at more financial risk in the event of the relationship ending, but it means that the SAHM has the benefit of income she hasn't worked for. I'm sure many mums and dads would love to be able to have the choice for one parent to stay at home.

I agree, OP. I think it's fine for mothers to work, of course, but I think all the business about setting a good example to children is just self deluding. Work because you want or need to, but don't pretend you're doing it for the benefit of your children.

Like the OP I have been both almost full time working parent, then SAHM for five years. Now almost full time but flexible working (work for myself). So feel I've been in most camps. I relate to what the OP says, and try not to worry about what anyone else thinks. My two DC love the fact that I am at most school things and there to pick them up after school but I'm lucky, self employment allows that. DC1 was fine when he was at a Childminder too and if that had continued think he would have been fine too as my DB kids are who have been in After School and Holiday clubs from day one. Personally, work is the best option for me especially flexible work but that's me and every family is different and as long as the DC are loved and have parents who spend time with them (IMO of course!). Think on threads like this, some people see digs when really there are none. Good luck OP in your change of circumstances. Everything will be fine.

I do find it an offence thing for people to say.

I havent rtt. I dont think you are a goady fucker.

I think the attitude that both parents must work is pervasive in our society (UK). It certainly has filtered through to the family court. Sadly I think many children would benefit more from having a parent around. If you look at what is happening to our teenage children and young adults - its not great. Parents are out working often long hours, the rest of society hardly dares speak to a child and you have then a situation where vulnerable children (think loners, special needs, deprivation etc) have no sensible adults to turn to.

Not good.

Of course every family has to do whats best for them. But there are, I believe, long term consequences to our current path. I am sad that my DC are caught up in this.

Mothers, indeed parents, can set a good example in so many ways.
But I do agree to a certain extent that children don't really care. They really just know what's the norm in their house. So I don't necessarily think that going out to work is setting a good example.
I don't think the OP is being goady or trying to make anyone feel bad.

Men don't scrap which each other about parenting full stop. Men who stay at home are seen as heros. Women are at home are scroungers.

Older DC must surely be aware of how their home works as opposed to their mates'?

My DC are well aware that I am pretty successful in the works of work and that their dad ( who is uber successful) is very hands on so that I can pursue my career.

DC know it's unusual.

Completely agree op
Of course there are loads of pros and cons when it comes having a stay at home parent or both parents working yet if it's possible and it's what one parent wants to do and the other parent is on board
Of course it's way better for the child to be cared for by a happy engaged parent that loves that child
Than to be with say a childminder

I find the notion of setting a good example bizarre
You are still setting a good example being a stay at home parent

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I have managed to work my career so i do school hours (and catch up when kids are in bed). I also manage all assemblies and often to help on school trips.

I find people who are nasty about other people's choices tend to be those who are unhappy with their own choice

Some working mums set a great example for their children and some set an appalling example - the mere fact of having a job does not make you a shining example of parenthood. Only a fuckwit would think otherwise. Likewise, some SAHMs set a great example for their children and some set an appalling example - the mere fact of staying at home so that you can always be there at the same time as your children does not make you a shining example of parenthood.

I think the statement that a 7y/o doesn't care whether their mum works is a load of rubbish (and that's being polite). I went to f/t Uni last September when my daughter was 7, and my son just starting Reception. I'm studying Midwifery, so it's long hours and shift work. My 7y/o is so damn proud of what I do, she'll tell anyone who'll listen that her mummy is a midwife (bless her for skipping to the bit where i'm qualified! And she loves going to after-school andholiday clubs too - much prefers them to hanging out with boring old mummy and little bro.

So, no OP, is not as cut-and-dried as you think it is. I'm 100% happier since I stopped being an SAHM: I'm doing something hugely worthwhile, setting a great example to my kids, and because I took time to find the right childcare for them (different for each - daughter needs stimulation of clubs and activities, son needs calm and home environemnt of a childminder) my kids are happy too. Oh, and their Dad is stepping up on the sports days, school trips and childcare front as well, because being involved in your kids day to day lives is not exclusive to mothers - something your OP failed to even consider.

I get up in a dirt poor household, abusive, mental health and alcoholic parents, when they had a job it was a much happier home, when they didn't it was awful, so Yes, I do think having parents working does have a positive affect on the children.

I have a twin sister, both my parents smoked, I didn't my sister does, my sister also does not work, I work FT plus hours, we have the happier all round household, which I think has a positive effect on the children's education, sadly I think my DN will be tennage mums, with in stable relationships, I DO NOT wish this upon them, in fact far from it, however this is the path they are heading towards.

My sister is following my parents path, I am following a different path and we are worlds apart.

I agree with you OP. I do think it depends on the working hours of the parents though. My working mother was home by 4pm most days and I was older when she started working full-time. She also never worked weekends.

I know of 2 children who are dragged out of their beds at 7am during school holidays and weekends to be taken to childminders and babysitters, they are utterly miserable. The little girl is 10 now, she hardly ever get to go to play with friends because they are litterally never home, only bedtimes and some Sundays. I'll bet that little girl won't think her parents set a good example to her.

My mum always worked. I can honestly say I didn't give it a jot of thought when I was a child. I was picked up after school by my auntie who worked school hours and I got to spend time with my cousins after school which I loved.

I think we need to remember though that some people don't have a choice. I'm a single parent, I have to work. Although I consider myself lucky because I do love my job, some people have to work in soul destroying jobs because if they don't, bills don't get paid.

I don't think having a job or being a SAHP is what "sets a good example" to a child. I think being a good parent sets a good example to a child.

There is nothing wrong with being a sahm or a working mum. If I could afford to stay home I would but I'm a sole parent and have no choice in that matter.

The only thing I had to really cling to, and yes to make myself feel better was that people would say what a good example I'm setting.

Please don't take that away because I feel terrible every time I have to miss something at school or am not there when they finish. But I have no choice, literally no choice. So yeah I really hope that that statement is true because otherwise I'm just a shit, absent, poor working mum.

But "what children would like" isn't the same as "setting a good example for them". You say most children would prefer to have mum at home for them, well maybe they would. Most children would also probably prefer to have pizza and icecream for tea every day too! Good parenting isn't always doing what the kids would prefer. Most 7 year olds don't have a full understanding of social and economic benefits of parents working vs staying at home.

Also, even if the children prefer at age 7 to be eating pizza every day for tea, the overweight 19 year old might wish you hadn't done so. In the same way the 7 year old might wish they didn't have to go to after school club but the 19 year old would be grateful for the experience of seeing their mum achieve things in their career, for the career advice she can give or the extra financial support their mum can offer, which she might not be able to if she had been out of the workplace for 18 years.

Finally - you can't extrapolate your/your child's feelings to all children and parents. Some children might benefit from a mum (or just a parent) being at home with them. Others might have different personalities - more independent and prefer to be with their peers for as long as possible in the day, or, conversely, shyer and while they might prefer to be with mum, actually forcing them to spend more time with other adults/do their homework on their own/entertain themselves is the best thing for their development.

Some children might benefit more from a mum that is happy because she feels fulfilled from working outside the home, or one that isn't stressed because, due to her job, the family is financially secure.

All families and their circumstances are different. Some working mums set a great example to their children. So do some stay at home mums.

So many people on here struggling with their comprehension skills. It's very clear what the OP was saying: why is there the assumption by some folk that being a working parent sets a better example to their children than being a SAHP?

My mum was a working parent and I don't remember having feelings either way about whether she worked or not. I don't feel the example she set has made me a better person or that I am more ambitious because of it. My mum was a stay at home parent for my youngest sister due to circumstances, and likewise, she is neither more or less ambitious than myself. I honestly don't think it makes much difference whether a parent is a SAHP or a working parent. Why can't everyone just decide what is best for their own family and ignore what other families are doing?