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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

495 replies

Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:04

I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

OP posts:

dinosaursandtea · 27/05/2017 18:45

Ratatatouille Being a SAHM is nearly always the choice of the well-off. There is nothing inherently noble about opting out of supporting yourself. My mum worked and still baked cakes - one of those things shaped my work ethic and world view, one of them was just a nice extra.

early30smum · 27/05/2017 18:45

migrating yes. Exactly!

peppatax · 27/05/2017 18:45

illneverknowwhereigo

This is me too and you're judged at school by SAHPs and judged at work by people who have a spouse who is a SAHP!

Neither do I 'rush off' to work and make my DD feel sad...

Ratatatouille · 27/05/2017 18:46

Do you know what, it's those attitudes that I referenced above which make the OP's question perfectly valid and not at all "goady" (which is quite possibly the most ridiculously overused word on Mumsnet). The fact that working mums are seen as setting a good example does indeed come with the clear implication that SAHMs do not.

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 18:47

There is nothing inherently noble about opting out of supporting yourself.

I have to agree on this one.

Ship0fFools · 27/05/2017 18:48

Tetchy lot on this thread.

peppatax · 27/05/2017 18:49

The fact that working mums are seen as setting a good example does indeed come with the clear implication that SAHMs do not.

It really doesn't though Ratatouille - that's the point. It's just a different way of doing things.

early30smum · 27/05/2017 18:50

I work, but I have been a SAHM. I love my job but it has its stresses. I'll admit that I do get a bit annoyed with SAHM of children who are AT SCHOOL full time, who do no work from home, no charity/voluntary work etc, no kids with SEN, who claim their lives are 'crazily busy' and the like... maybe there is a bit of resentment on my part there... if you're able to be a SAHM and lead a fun, exciting life because money allows, then that's lovely, but I do find it a little grating when those mums go on about how busy/chaotic their life is and how they couldn't possibly work... I realize it's not a competition, but it's hard to take someone who says 'I'm so tired because I was out til 1 am with friends and then I had to get up and do the school run and have only managed a couple of hours nap before pick up' seriously...

MajesticWhine · 27/05/2017 18:50

Yes children are self absorbed and may not appear to care one way or another. It's not about whether they care. They absorb messages about what's normal, whatever we do and however we choose to parent.
Our attitudes to work, debt, spending, health, how we treat others, self-improvement, everything, will have an influence on the attitudes and values of our children.

MsGameandWatch · 27/05/2017 18:50

Being a SAHM is nearly always the choice of the well-off. There is nothing inherently noble about opting out of supporting yourself

That's nonsense. I know plenty of lower wage couples where working is not an option as the wage that could be earned simply would not cover child care costs. Statements like that generally come people living in a middle class bubble.

Ratatatouille · 27/05/2017 18:50

"Opting out of supporting yourself"? Can you hear yourself? I'm a SAHM and no, we're not particularly wealthy. For the time being I facilitate my DH reaching his earning potential by providing full time childcare for our children. OUR children. Not just mine. He could have been the SAHP but his earnings were greater than mine, I was breastfeeding and it just made sense for it to be me. Your latest comment hasn't expanded or explained anything. You still appear to think that SAHMs just bake cakes all day

RedSkyAtNight · 27/05/2017 18:52

Actually I think that even as a 7 year old I was aware that my SAH mum was deeply unhappy. With retrospect I can see that working would have done wonders for her confidence and self esteem. There's no particular benefit in having a mother about after school if she largely ignores you or shouts at you.

migrating · 27/05/2017 18:52

There is nothing inherently noble about opting out of supporting yourself.

bollocks.

First, many SAHM had a career before having children, and their salary helped pay the mortgage of the property they now live in.
then they choose to do things themselves instead of spending a fortune on childcare/cleaners etc, and they take care of all the boring stuff freeing their working partner.
Not everybody is free to book their holidays during working hours, or to take a few hours here and there to deal with paperwork etc, take the kids to surgery to have their jabs etc.

I think it's appalling to try to make SAHM feel bad, or lower-class citizen. I am so grateful I have quite a few among my friends, so inset days/ voting days/ sick days are covered and I can leave my kids with someone without wasting all my annual leave, however generous it is.

Smellbellina · 27/05/2017 18:53

Agree, except for people like me! SP so I feel it's very important that I work and set that example for the DC as who else is going to pay for us to live!
But, if you have the luxury of being able to fund a SAHP I think that's great too. In another life I would love to be one.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 27/05/2017 18:54

I don't think letting the state or another adult pay for someone to not work is setting a good example.

I want my children to believe that hard work pays the bills, not that they can opt out of paying for themselves or their children.

Working doesn't mean people stop baking cakes, watching school plays etc.

ssd · 27/05/2017 18:54

spot on MsGameandWatch

Original poster

Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:54

Exactly sunshine

OP posts:

Namechangedforthisobviously · 27/05/2017 18:54

Ok, I'll bite. I think that if you are a SAHM after the kids are school age, you are setting a very poor example to children of either gender. I think you are teaching them sexist values (women stay at home, men do stuff in the world). In order to have true gender equality, we need to stop this BS that women just play at having a career, then give up and leave it to the boys. In my profession there is a real absence of senior women, whereas it's about 50:50 at entry level. It makes me sad and angry.

Ratatatouille · 27/05/2017 18:54

Peppa when poor attitudes based on complete myths about SAHMs are so rife, I'm afraid that quite often the implication is very much there. Have you read what posters like dinosaurs are saying? That working mums are shaping world views and work ethics, while SAHMs are baking cakes.

Original poster

Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:55

Nailed it migrating

OP posts:

corythatwas · 27/05/2017 18:55

"Being a SAHM is nearly always the choice of the well-off. There is nothing inherently noble about opting out of supporting yourself"

I was a SAHM/very part-time for the simple reason that my earnings would not have covered childcare.

And then because my eldest had health issues which often meant she had to stay in bed or go to and from hospital.

I don't think this was setting either a good or bad example: it just was what it was.

Spikeyball · 27/05/2017 18:55

My working to set a good example would have no meaning to my son. On the other hand he would be happy with my working as long as his needs were being met by someone else - the problem being that because of his needs, there isn't anyone else.

Smellbellina · 27/05/2017 18:56

I'll admit that I do get a bit annoyed with SAHM of children who are AT SCHOOL full time, who do no work from home, no charity/voluntary work etc, no kids with SEN, who claim their lives are 'crazily busy' and the like
I would be, I could do easily fill my time eyes my lotto ticket

Hellothereitsme · 27/05/2017 18:57

My mum did both. Was a SAHP and a working mum at various times during my childhood. I never really noticed any bad or good points really she was just my mum.

I will say though that she was from the generation that didn't leave bad marriages and that was far more of an issue for me than whether she worked or not. She could not financially leave as women then did not get any help. Do whatever makes you happy but don't ever rely financially on another person as it could go wrong. That is the lesson I learnt.

ShastaBeast · 27/05/2017 18:57

OP I understand and am shocked at the lack of comprehension skills displayed on this thread.

I had a mum who mostly stayed home and then was ill so in and out of a mental health ward. I didn't follow the example but I did take on messages about aspiration. I went to a good uni and had a career too. I also took over six years off to be home with my kid before starting a new career last year. There are pros and cons to either decision and no right or wrong.

I've seen people claim it sets a good example, I've seen shit thrown from either side of this "choice" - not always a choice. Same with breastfeeding. It's bullshit divide and rule nonsense. We should do what works for our families and engage our children in the wider world where there many many many examples of parents, men and women, working in varied fields. We should also encourage them to push boundaries and explore their options. My kids benefited from me being home when young but won't remember it anyway.

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