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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

495 replies

Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:04

I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

OP posts:
flapflops · 27/05/2017 18:30

I think you just need to do what works for you. That's it. All 'mums' are mums, they don't stop because they work, they don't stop because they don't, they just get on with it and do it. Horses for courses, do what is best for your family, don't judge others who do differently and get on with YOUR life. What does it matter what works for other people, it's what works for you that counts. This constant SAHM vs. working mum is beyond tedious.

Littlepond · 27/05/2017 18:30

I overheard my son telling his friends about the job I do recently. He certainly had a note of pride in his voice. I think my kids are proud of me for getting a job and working hard. I think they loved me at home as a SAHM, and I think they love the extra treats we can now afford because I'm working. I think working does set a good example to kids. So does being a good caring SAHM. Everything we do is setting an example to our kids, either of how they will want to be or exactly what they will want to avoid being...

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 27/05/2017 18:31

Neither sahm or working mum is perfect, they both have pros and cons for the children and family.

When they are little they probably would just prefer you to be there, yes. But I do think demonstrating that both men and women care for their children and can have satisfying, respected, challenging jobs helps children to assume gender equality as the norm. They probably learn more from the examples you set than from what you tell them. So I do think having a good career sets a good example, yes. But in the uk both working also has drawbacks due to long hours, long commutes as expensive housing, expensive childcare, hard to work flexibly.

In Scandinavian countries I think it's more typical for both partners to share childcare and working, and I think that has lots of advantages.

twelly · 27/05/2017 18:31

The reason why this debate becomes so charged is that those who have a choice and stay at home feel the need to justify why this is so important in my child benefits, they can attend all the events, the most important years etc the emotive language then makes those who work understandably respond. Then the part-time explain that it is the best of both worlds. Often many who work full time have no choice, they are made to feel they have a choice and that they place material possessions and their own needs over their child's.

Basically either decision is fine and dependant upon the families own circumstances, live and let live

MargaretCavendish · 27/05/2017 18:32

Firstly having a SAHM didn't stop me pushing a professional career.

You did give up work and take a seven year career break, though, so surely in that respect you did follow your mother's example?

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 18:32

I don't want my son thinking just because he is male he needs to work really hard to keep a wife just as I don't want my daughter to believe that women don't work and just laze around all day at the expense of others.

100%.

early30smum · 27/05/2017 18:32

enidblyton1 couldn't agree more.

Peanut14 · 27/05/2017 18:32

OP you do not sound goady, the posters saying you are-are the goady ones on my opinion.

OP came for a conversation on something that has raised its head in her life. Maybe you all have been on threads discussing it before but she hasn't, its new to her.

I'm over Mumsnet with all these goady feckless and their Biscuit

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/05/2017 18:33

Errrr no I would not have preferred my mother to be a SAHM. From a young age I was taught that if you wanted something you went and worked for it. My aunt was a SAHM and was actually less involved in her children than my mother was

Sunshinegirls · 27/05/2017 18:34

Blinky - I get what you are trying to say and don't think you are comparing one to the other, I understand that your point is that other people clearly do, hence them telling you that you are setting a good example by going to work as opposed to being a SAHM which maybe isn't. Your point is that neither is better, both are admirable and both set good examples of good parenting and people shouldn't compare.

Peanut14 · 27/05/2017 18:34

just as I don't want my daughter to believe that women don't work and just laze around all day at the expense of others

OMG really!!!!

SoupDragon · 27/05/2017 18:34

Good parents set good examples to their children. Whether they are SAH or WOH is irrelevant.

early30smum · 27/05/2017 18:35

Just as an aside- my DD's teacher told me at parents' evening that she had been telling the kids in her class 'my mummy has taught this' etc and she sounded really proud (I am a teacher) which was lovely to hear. But when she was younger and I was a SAHM she said how she she was that I was on her school trip (impossible now and I feel terrible that my younger child will probably not have this) swings and roundabouts!

early30smum · 27/05/2017 18:36

*said how happy she was

Peanut14 · 27/05/2017 18:38

A voice of reason. Well said soupdragon

GahBuggerit · 27/05/2017 18:38
Believeitornot · 27/05/2017 18:39

Our parents and their choices have a massive influence on our lives.

I work. My dd, for a long time, didn't realise I worked. She's picked up the idea that only daddies went to work Hmm despite me leaving the house. No idea what she thought I did.

So yes I think I'm setting a good example. We talk about working, going to school to get an education and that by working we have more money and therefore more choices.

My mum was a single mum and also worked until she got ill. I personally found it set me the example to become self sufficient and not rely on anyone. I carry that through to adulthood - I'll turn my hand to diy, gardening as well as being very independent minded.

I do wish I could be a sahm but if I was, I would end up volunteering in the community anyway and therefore setting some sort of example.

My dcs would probably prefer I was around to collect them from school every day - they've told me this. But it's not an option so what's the point in mentally whipping myself up about it?

museumum · 27/05/2017 18:39

I think it comes into it when the children are older. I got a holiday and Saturday job at 16. I wouldn't have been happy working for my spending money (slaving at crap money in horrible conditions) if my mum was getting her spends from my dad.
Although having said that, my 3yr old recently said "Finlay (boy at nursery) says mummies can't work only daddies do" so me working even if only p/t was useful in that conversation.

illneverknowwhereigo · 27/05/2017 18:39

"Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school."

I work my hours around when my children are at school, so I do all of those things AND I work in a rewarding job and bring money in.

I still feel like I'm getting everything wrong most of the time.

dinosaursandtea · 27/05/2017 18:40

If you can afford not to take a job you don't want, why on earth wouldn't you use that as a reason to explore something you're passionate about? Study, learn a language, take up a new hobby or turn an old one into a job - but if you're 100% fulfilled arranging your life around your children and spouse, then ask yourself why you don't deserve reciprocal support to pursue success.

Ratatatouille · 27/05/2017 18:40

I don't think I'd feel as proud if I got home and she'd baked a cake, dusted the skirting boards and got her nails done.

just as I don't want my daughter to believe that women don't work and just laze around all day at the expense of others

There are some fucking shocking attitudes towards SAHMs on here.

peppatax · 27/05/2017 18:40

Of course I read the OP and your subsequent posts and your 'wtf?!' type comments immediately draw comparisons against working parents to strengthen your argument. Based entirely on YOUR experience.

MsGameandWatch · 27/05/2017 18:42

Indeed Ratatatouile.

ssd · 27/05/2017 18:43

why are you going back to work op if you feel it isn't best for your son?

migrating · 27/05/2017 18:43

I completely agree with you, and I work!

If you want to set up a great example, just show your kids what it's like to be in a position where you have a choice. Choice to have a career, or to stay at home with your kids, or both if you work part-time. Just show your kids that the important thing is freedom. Have an education, be free to chose a job you really like. It doesn't matter if you are a vet or a fitness instructor as long as you do something you enjoy. There's nothing enviable to have a job you hate where you keep looking at the clock and live for Fridays, moan about your boss, your customers.

I don't work because I want to set any example, but because I like luxury holidays and spending money. I am not sure we could have our lifestyle with one salary only.

If you are happy to be home, it's fantastic for the kids, and for you. If you have a fulfilling career, you don't have to feel guilty, it's good for the family too. The only ones who look down at the other side are the one who resent their life. It's boring.