To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

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I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

There's nothing selfless about being a SAHP, it's simply a choice to not work and put the costs and responsibilities of bills onto somebody else.

As for "achievements and experiences" it doesn't matter if a parent works or not for those. From age four, they are in school most of the day anyway not with parents.

This argument has been raging on mumsnet fur 14 years now.

As far as I'm concerned it's not as simple as that Rainbow. I have one child who has had several runs in the theatre and I've facilitated that. I have another who is dyslexic and I have gone through many training courses about how to help him. He is now at one of the top London independent schools against all the odds and I can tell you that invariably that does not just happen - there is a whole process of parental involvement behind it, even for a child with no LDs. Also my DH spends a considerable amount of time away in business. He is an entrepreneur and will probably retire in a few years in his late 40s. He would be the first to explain how I have facilitated all of our lifestyles and we wouldn't have had it any other way. He's done his bit and I've done mine and its worked this far.

Actually, the school day is very short. Children spend most of their time at home.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all convince employers that 9-3, term time only, is spending most of our time in work?

Excuse me Rainbows but sahms work their arses off. If they did everything they do for their own homes, husbands and kids for the household next door instead they'd have a salary and you'd call them gainfully employed. Maybe that's the answer - maybe we should just all swap and pay each other.

Quite bogqueen

Why the hell do we feel we all have to be setting an example. Life throws you curve balls in all sorts of ways , not just financial. Kids or teens get ill, elderly parents get ill; this is stressful but far less if there is already someone out of work.

I think if you can both work and that works out for you then great!, but sometimes life just happens, and we do what suits our family.

Excuse me Rainbows but sahms work their arses off.

If they have twenty children and home educate maybe, if not an adult cleaning their own home and parenting is hardly hard work.

What a ludicrous example, Rainbows, revealing you to be a deliberately offensive and provocative little troll.

Seems most have missed your actual point.

And yes, I think it's just something people say to soften the idea that being around so much less is ok.

Having said that, I am a single mum, I work full time in a great job, I would desperately love to be able to afford to work school hours and I'm panicking already that my son start school in january and won't get enough support from me.

Intimately people have to do what they have to do, what works for one won't work for another.

Yes I think personally it's nonsense.

I don't think anybody should go out to work just to complicate things, because they maybe not be working as hard when they are at home. If a man or woman has a spouse at home , it benefits them in ways that aren't financial, and maybe that suits some people. I had 3 little ones and at times that was definitely hard, but also rewarding.If you have a largish house and are also responsible for all gardening and decorating etc, then it can be very busy being at home. Some people who work might have help with a lot of that, and might not arrange so much for weekends.

being, don't worry.I worked full time when 5 children were at school age and they have turned out very well. In fact it's been an advantage to them, not disadvantage that their parents both work full time.

We found someone to collect from school and work 3 - 6 at our house and cook them dinner. Luckily she was also available for more pay to work in the school holidays too.

She recently sent the twins an 18th birthday card which was so lovely of her. All people in their lives who have looked after them and indeed their teachers have added to, enhanced and broadened their lives.

I think it's nonsense in the sense that it's never 'working dads set a good example'.

Rainbows, that's probably mostly a fairly limited list of what SAHPs do. There's also often;
All the gardening, all the scheduling for home repairs, diy around the house like fresh paint & sewing up slip covers, all the grocery shopping, all the clothes shopping, all the medical appointments, all the laundry including ironing, all the school events (many working parents can't get time off), all the cooking, all the baking, all planning of extra-curriculars, all the planning of extended family stuff. I may have forgotten some things.

I still do most of this as I'm now divorced and I'm bloody knackered!

my SAHM friends also add to their lists:
read books and papers that I barely have time to catch up with in the train
take kids (mine including) to various places and attractions around London

In short, being home gives them more time to research, educate themselves and have interesting conversations. I am a bit jealous when all I can talk about is mainly related to my job, or the odd exhibition I have seen after work. If I have free time, I tend to go to the gym, I need it.
I completely disagree that you are defined by your job, and that you need to earn a salary to be a role model. It's so wrong.

Thank you for showing sahms some respect Coddiwomple. My mother- in- law was a sahm; she completed a maths degree and was a cub scout leader and was a huge inspiration to my girls. Do you know, the most amazing thing about her though was her kindness and commitment to her family, and her non judgemental attitude to me; even though at times I must have been a bit of a pain!

The idea that work is some how a pre-requisite for self-esteem is going to play very VERY badly for our kids as most of the work in the world gets taken over by robotisation and unemployment sky rockets.

It should be a good thing that we don't need the majority of people to work to keep our civilization going, but it won't be if we hang on to this insane over-valuing of doing make work for the sake of it.

I mean we seriously do NOT need people working in call centres trying to get details out of people that they can then sell onto advertisers. We really don't.

It's only fair stuckin90s

My kids school is closed on Thursday for obvious reasons. If I didn't have SAHM friends, I am not sure what I would do.
I do believe what I said anyway.

Very thought provoking Morphene. It's been difficult sometimes going against what I feel has become the norm of going out to work; and just feel that that wouldn't be right for my family , but I know it is right for others. I just wish people wouldn't keep bringing it up; I think it shows people don't always have imagination, if the only thing they can think to talk to me about is my lack of job.