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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that "working mums set a great example to their children" is largely nonsense

495 replies

Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:04

I grew up with a SAHM. It was bloody fantastic! Picked up by my mum, home after school, she came to assemblies, sports days, plays etc, I was able to have friends over after school. Plus I just loved being with my mum after school. There was something homely, comforting and cosy about it.

I didn't give the fact my mum didn't work any thought whatsoever. I worked like a dog for my GCSEs, a-levels, degree, professional exams and got a good well paid interesting career. I gave it up when I had my first child 7 years ago.

I'm a SAHM now, however next year I'm jumping in at the deep end. Will be commuting and long hours in a professional role. A number of people have said to me along the line "oh you'll be setting so much of a better example now for your children".

Am I alone in thinking "wtf?". A 7 year doesn't give a flying fig about whether his mum works. He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?

It certainly didn't stop me pursuing a very good career, and the school I went to (private academic girls school) the vast majority of mothers didn't work, and many of those girls have gone on to have great career success (medicine, finance etc)

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better? I'm going to be a working mum on a few months, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to think that my children are benefiting from the example I'm setting. I think some people forget how self absorbed most children are and seeing you dash off to work to do something important really isn't either here nor there for them!

OP posts:
MsGameandWatch · 27/05/2017 18:22

I agree OP.

I was told recently that getting a job would do wonders for my self esteem, it's not the first time it's been said. It has always bugged me. I'm a single parent, no support whatsoever, to two disabled children. Why would working out of the home be such a boost to me self esteem? I don't get it, I would absolutely love someone to explain that to me. My kids aren't interested in me working elsewhere, they need me at home and I feel pretty good about the fact that they're doing so well and I have managed to create a decent functioning life for us. Why would me being elsewhere be setting such a good example and why would my self esteem take such huge boost from that? Unless of course the only labour that has value is that that is paid and takes place outside the home...

Livedandlearned · 27/05/2017 18:22

Your op comes across that you favour sahm, at least twice you say that it is preferable to working.

That's why everyone focussed on that and not your point, which wasn't really visible.

kaitlinktm · 27/05/2017 18:22

Why does one thing have to be denigrated in order to make people doing the opposite feel good? Why can't it just be the right choice for you and your family, and if something else works for others then good for them?

This^
And this -

People are only making conversation I doubt they really care.

Perhaps the person thought you seemed sad at having to go back to work and said this thinking (evidently wrongly) that it would make you feel better.

Iggi999 · 27/05/2017 18:22

What a seven year old appreciates and what is a good example are not the same thing.

sobeyondthehills · 27/05/2017 18:23

My mum was a SAHM to my 2 older sisters and a working mum with me, all very much loved so really couldn't give a flying fuck as long as she was happy

Original poster
Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:24

When do I say preferable?

I say that I much preferred my mum being around after school. I honestly don't think anyone can really disputed that most 7 year olds would prefer that. It's not a judgment. It's reality.

OP posts:
skinnyamericano · 27/05/2017 18:25

Why are people being so arsey about the OP?

I don't think she's coming down on either side, rather discussing the experience of both.

I had the same childhood as you and like you, worked very hard at school and uni. I've become a SAHM for my family as it works for us. I don't think I'm setting a bad example, I think the kids are happy, but that's just how it is for us.

Bluebeedee · 27/05/2017 18:25

🍿

EllaHen · 27/05/2017 18:25

Are you wanting one of us to say that it is a good example to contribute to society by paying taxes so that it will really kick off?

You are either naive or goady..

Funnyonion17 · 27/05/2017 18:25

Any parent who's doing their best is a great example. For some it's working, for some it's being at home.

Enidblyton1 · 27/05/2017 18:25

Are you feeling guilty, OP?

Fluffy24 · 27/05/2017 18:26

He/she would MUCH prefer mum to be picking him up from school, making his dinner, helping him with his reading, not having to go to a child minder / holiday clubs in the holidays?
...

Is this just an argument pulled out by working mums trying to make themselves feel better?

Have my first ever mumsnetter Biscuit. In fact have two Biscuit Biscuit

MargaretCavendish · 27/05/2017 18:26

I don't think that a child watches his mum rushing off to work and feels a swell of pride.

I think you've missed the point of 'an example'. The point isn't that the child thinks it's an amazing feat - exactly the opposite. It's that they grow up assuming that it's normal for women to work because men and women have careers of equal importance.

Original poster
Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:27

I'm not denigrating a damn thing!

It would seem the length of my post has bamboozled some. In brief.

I am a SAHM
Shortly returning to work
A few people have said I will now be setting a better example
It for me thinking. Does it?

I don't think so, no. Firstly having a SAHM didn't stop me pushing a professional career. Secondly, children are self absorbed beings and i don't think they hide a fig about the work their parents do. It's all about how comfortable and happy they are.

OP posts:
early30smum · 27/05/2017 18:27

Ooooh this argument again! I hate it with a passion. Are we setting our daughters (particularly, but kids in general) a good example if we work at a job that takes so much out of us we have no time for them/are permanently exhausted? No.

Are we setting our kids a good example if we are a SAHP of school age kids who thinks their life is 'so chaotic/frantic/stressful and couldn't possibly work' when the reality is we are going to the gym and choosing paint?! (Seriously common where I live).

Are we setting a good example if we are a sahp of pre-school who is thoroughly bored and not using our potential but can't go back to work because childcare is too expensive? No.

Being a parent is bloody hard work. There is no right or wrong. I no more set an example to my kids as a working mum as I did a SAHM.

Original poster
Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:27

Excuse typos

OP posts:
YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 18:27

Nope.

My mum worked and built a brilliant career and I think she is a better role model than my cousins who sit at home all day gossiping and doing dance classes. I loved nursery and holiday clubs. I think wanting to achieve something for yourself does set a good example, yes. I loved being independent and thought my mum's job and the things she got to do because of it were really cool.

You sound goady. Have a Biscuit

peppatax · 27/05/2017 18:28

Working mums do set a great example to their children. As do working fathers that are hands on at home. As are working grandparents that are hands on with their grandchildren. That's all factual.

I cannot see how you have taken a huge assumption that these statements in any way suggest that working parents think they are better than SAHP.

Livedandlearned · 27/05/2017 18:28

You don't actually say it, you don't need to, the first line is enough.

I think children who go to a CM who after school clubs have just as much fun as those who go home. Possibly more, other children to play with, toys, outside play that they might not get at home.

I was pointing out that the way you worded it explains why nearly all pp have reacted the way they have and 'missed your point'

ScarlettFreestone · 27/05/2017 18:29

People are just trying to make you feel better in case you are naturally a bit worried about it.

IMO (having been both a SAHM and a WOHM) what sets a good example to your children is a mother who works hard, is happy and in control of her own life choices.

So if it's your choice to be at home and are happy and fulfilled in that, that's an excellent example for your children. It's not a great example if you are down trodden and feel trapped by your circumstances.

If it's your choice to return to work and are happy and fulfilled in that then that too is an excellent example. It's not a great example if you are exhausted and stressed out your mind and feel trapped by your circumstances.

I've been both SAHM and WOHM. I've been happy in either role, my children are happy in either situation.

No one's world is perfect but we all make the best choices we can for the long term. There is no one best way.

Original poster
Blinkyblink · 27/05/2017 18:29

Peppa, did you read my OP?!

OP posts:
YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 18:30

I don't think that a child watches his mum rushing off to work and feels a swell of pride

I feel proud of my mum for achieving awards, getting to fly around the world to conferences and when she gets a payrise.

I don't think I'd feel as proud if I got home and she'd baked a cake, dusted the skirting boards and got her nails done.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 27/05/2017 18:30

I don't think that a child watches his mum rushing off to work and feels a swell of pride. That's all.

It's not about watching a parent rush off to work, it's the example it sets.

It's not the 1950s anymore and many don't pander to the man works women look after the house anymore. I don't want my son thinking just because he is male he needs to work really hard to keep a wife just as I don't want my daughter to believe that women don't work and just laze around all day at the expense of others.

Working creates many options, how many times do we see in here that women won't leave a man because he is the earner so stay in unhappy relationships for the money.

dinosaursandtea · 27/05/2017 18:30

I genuinely do think it's better for both parents to work. I think it sets a good example - hard work, reliability, independence - and it introduces children to the idea of work early on. I think work is good for us - and OK, I'm saying this as a total workaholic - and for the overwhelming majority of our kids' generations, none of them will be able to afford to stay at home with their kids. Let's set a good example now, not normalise being financially dependent on another person.

Enidblyton1 · 27/05/2017 18:30

Try and ignore those comments about 'now you'll be setting a good example'. I guess your friends were just trying to make comversation and/or trying to make you feel better about your decision to go back to work.
But in reality it's not whether you work or not that affects your children, it's the wider childhood experience they receive.