MIL.... AGAIN. PLEASE HELP.

[mumblebees]

PLEASE READ, THANK YOU SO MUCH

I've been having problems with my MIL for around a year now, it all started when I, for the first time in almost 7 years, turned around and said 'no' to her she lives almost 100miles away (I don't drive either) and kept going on and on and on and on about having my DD who is only 4 overnight for days on end. I politely kept putting her off but she kept going behind my back to my DH when I wasn't in and convincing him to basically make me change my mind. Caused a lot of grief between me & DH and finally I text her asking her politely to stop asking as it wasn't going to happen and to not go behind my back etc.

Many things have happened since, interfering, ridiculous amounts of FaceTime calls per week to DD on DH's phone, name calling to me over the phone (two faced cow, bad mother, bad wife, controlling, silly child....) because I've said 'no' and started being more assertive. It all hit a head again over Easter because she was asking what to get DD for Easter. I said an egg, just like everybody else, after all, when did Easter become about iPads and the like?! She got huffy and waned to spoil her (as usual and which we don't agree with as we want to bring DD up to be grateful and count her blessings).

I'm sure she does this to look 'better' than us as we can't afford named brands etc (not that I'd spend crazy money like that anyway). She always goes ridiculous for Christmas/Birthdays etc... making us look bad and her like 'the one that will get DD anything she ever wants' (sure this is deliberate ) anyway, I said no, just get an egg like all the other children in her school will be getting, a few days later we get a package full of clothes after me repeatedly saying just an egg will be fine. I contacted her about it and she said 'she will buy DD whatever she wants and won't be dictated to by me, a silly child' (I'm 21, studying for a degree with a PT job, training and a small buisness for goodness sake!) I said well I'm her mother and I'm afraid what I say goes but she wasn't having any of it it's almost like she thinks DD is hers IYSWIM?

When she calls she's not bothered about speaking to DH, just says 'where's my baby'?! I'm sick and tired of it and don't know what to do. DH has only just started backing me up, before he was to afraid to upset her it seemed, she's quite manipulative with him but I was getting really hurt in the process she also says things to DD on the phone so she'll pester me for things or to go somewhere. Like at Christmas I overheard whispering in a separate room asking DD whether 'she'd like to stay longer and if so, she'll have to ask mummy'. Clearly done secretly and not expecting to be heard.

She's due here on Wednesday and I really don't want her to come if I'm to be honest, I know she'll play mind games and do the things I ask her not to do (like take DD to the shop and not just buy her one or two things but the whole frickin' shop or want to go somewhere extravagant which again makes us look bad as we don't drive so can't really get to many extravagant places but we do do other things like country park outings, wood walks, parks, swimming etc...)

This is just a snippet of what's been going on

WWYD ladies?

I feel so anxious and depressed and am so worried for the future with her I can honestly see he turning DD against me with her manipulation or extravagant expensive gifts I've put up with this for 7 years now and only just started to stand up for myself but all that seems to be doing is causing problems and guilt

Given your situation, that may be true, but I've never heard a sentence that sounds quite so much like something a typical 21 year old would have said.

But of course you know it all...

So your husband is five years older than you? So when you we're only just 15 he was 20?

And he has another older child?

Wow.

But of course you know it all... - totally uneccessary comment

JamPasty, not when I've taken the time to write out a fairly detailed post, and all the OP can respond with is 'well I'm not like other 21 year olds'.

I think age does have something to do with this situation, not necessarily in a maturity sense, but in a (a) trying to prove herself given she became a mum very young (b) the changing dynamic between herself and MIL as she's become an adult, and more independent (including financially so).

The older "missing" grandchild explains a lot about why MIL is so fixated on your DD bees.

My guess is that as she has "lost" one grand child she is going to make darn sure that she keeps a tight hold over this one.

What a difficult and complex situation you have to cope with bees.

Gird your loins on Wednesday, and don't let her bully or browbeat you.

Blueskyrain the gift giving, wanting to have the dgd overnight could be understood but name calling to me over the phone (two faced cow, bad mother, bad wife, controlling, silly child....)

I personally think maturity comes and goes. I was more mature at 16 than 18. But the OP sounds very mature and really does not need advice on child-rearing from such a woman.

I think stopping contact between DD and MIL is a little extreme - the issue is between you and MIL not DD and MIL. The worst thing she's doing with DD is buy gifts - if you really think you can't ask her to tone it down then manage DD after she's been given something that you feel is too extravagant. MIL could very easily take you to court for access if you act too hastily.

Now you've shared the context with DH older child it's no wonder she acting oddly. you don't need to share on here why contact was stopped but have a think yourself with how this relates.

IMO You need to start with your and MIL issues first.

Blueskyrain, OP sounds far more mature than you. Because she did give your condensending and partronising post the level of attention you thought appropriate , you felt it necessary to be sarky in a follow up post. Really mature.

Ah mumsnet, the place where you're immature if you suggest that only a mothers views should prevail, and that the view of father's are irrelevant, for mother dictates all...

Because whilst other points really just reiterated what many others have said about gifts etc, that was my main point - dad is fine with gifts, overnights etc, so they need to come to a compromise together.

The name calling is inexcusable (though I'd be interested to know more about thier context, whether anything was said back, how it started etc) but age probably does have a part to play in this issue.

I have no idea how the Op and her husband have organised things, but it's very unlikely they managed without any support, emotional, practical and financial from their families at first. At least, there are precious few 16 and 20 year old couples (as they would have been when pregnant) who can afford to live alone and care for a child without any assistance - and I'm including the possibility of family childcare in that so that the Op can work, continue her studies etc.

But she's not that young girl any more, and that might take some getting used to by family sometimes. I get the feeling that the Op is maybe going further to assert her authority to show she's not that young girl, by declining the presents, days out etc.

So when I say that I think some of the issues may be age related,it's not a criticism of the Op's age /maturity but a comment on the likely change of their relationship over the years, because she was a child and is now an adult.

Thank you jam

Bluesky I'm the first to admit I certainly DO NOT know it all, but neither do you, MIL or anyone else for that matter. You keep bringing my age up, I wonder if you would have worked that out if I had not given my age away? I'm not going to go into details but because of my upbringing I had to grow up very fast, sometimes that is life and has to be done, that's why I responded with my PP, not that I should have to explain myself. Please stop using my age as that's definitely not a factor, at least on my part. I've not once said a mothers opinion is the right opinion have I? People disagree and again, that's life. However, BOTH parents have to be on board when it comes to serious issues revolving around DC. If one person is not happy with something, they shouldn't have to let it go, compromises have to be made. I have to admit, I think I've made enough compromises already.... I believe not many people would allow someone back into their house so soon after being slated and vile too.

Laura I was 15 and he was 19. Not that that's relevant, it's happened, life has happened and we can only deal with the situation in the present.

Ada your right, it really is a difficult and complex situation which makes it that much harder. I feel the past situation with DH's DS is used against me a lot though which doesn't seem fair...

Atenco I 100% agree

Newtothis thank you for your advice and perspective, I do often ponder on what happened in the past between them all but so far have no answers.

Legma thank you

Today's the day so flipping nervous, wish me luck!

Good luck!

You'll be great, be assertive but not argumentative

I don't think your age is the cause of her treating you like this OP, but I do think it's a huger REASON why she is, if you see what I mean.

Our own parents often see us as kids regardless of our age. I got told - Aged 45 - to do what I was told by my rubbish DM's vile Husband. These kinds of people want to control us at all costs.

I get that you are not like a lot of other 21yo, but you are 21. It DOES take us time to develop natural gravitas, and as sorted as you are now, you are in amazing stead for handling your 30's 40's and beyond way better than most.

You CAN be firm and explain that outrageously overboard gifts need to stop, and that this is a final and joint decision. Yes she can start a savings account for your DD if she wishes, but lavishing gifts on her has a detrimental effect and that is the reason. This is not a war, but it is your family and while you are grateful for her keenness, it's OTT and needs to be managed by you/dh.

Oh and it is 100% unacceptable for name calling, she will never ever have that right to speak to you like that. Agreed that if she does buck her ideas up, she will get more out of the relationship, but it's clear you won't have her anywhere near you/DD if she is swearing and namecalling.

I hope things go well for you today.

Honestly, I would have suspected either you were very young, or something else was to play, because of how defensive you are of your life, how you do things etc. It reminds me of some friends I've got who got married/had children quite young. They sometimes come accross as if they are fighting to show their independence/maturity - probably because of misconceptions that society puts on them. But Its not a bad thing, and its not me saying that you're 'immature' but I would have suspected you were young, yes.

And you're right, I don't know it all - but I've never said that I do, and quite the opposite, I've said that I'm very willing to listen to advice from others because they've been there and I haven't.

If your husband is fine with overnights/lots of presents etc, then those are really issues that you need to come to a compromise on together. Given the name calling, then I can see why you wouldn't want your daughter staying overnight, but the presents issue is surely less important in the grand scheme of things, and if you're husband is ok with it, then maybe thats one that you should let go, given that he's compromising on other things like the overnights.

You say that if one person isn't happy with something, they shouldn't have to let it go - but that goes both ways. He is HAPPY with the gifts, the days out etc - why should he let that go, just because you disagree with it. Equal parents, equal say, so either find a middle ground on each specific issue, that you can both live with, or you stick to your ground on some areas, and give way on others? Up to you how you do it, but once you've reached an understanding together, then you should both back eachother up and come across as a united front.

We've all got the past, and that does have an impact on our present situations. It might not seem fair, but it is often relevant. My relationship with my in laws is impacted by the past that we share, as is my relationship with my family, my husband even. There are, for example, things that would make me upset with my in laws, which wouldn't upset others, or that I wouldn't be upset if others did, because of the impact of our own history. How you've got where you have, and the relationship you've had in the past with your MIL, and how that has probably changed over time, will play a part in how you feel about situations now.

Good luck with it all today.

Good luck! Imagine us all behind you, with pitchforks and cake, cheering you on

Hope it's going as well as it can be

Thinking of you. Sending strength.

Thinking of you today OP!

How has today been, OP?

Thank you everyone. It went better than expected thank goodness, it seems she has took some of my wishes on board finally. There were a few nit picky things and the need to do something 'extravagant' but instead I suggested a lovely walk around a big park, ice cream and a dinner out which she agreed too. There were a few things that bugged me that she said but I chose to ignore them as they aren't so bad in the grand scheme of things. DD asked her for so much stuff though with no pleases or thank you's which just reminded me why I don't want MIL buying her absolutely everything and anything she asks for as DD has obviously picked up on it. Plus, when she's with anyone else she is polite and well mannered when asking for something but with MIL it's like a different child, she has this 'entitled' and 'expecting' approach but luckily MIL kept saying 'ask mummy' to which I let her buy some things, but not all so hopefully this will continue. MIL doesn't usually ask me so perhaps she has took some things on board since our argument? Who knows..... I'm not getting my hopes up yet though! So all in all not bad, could of been better but it's a start and let's hope it continues this way and gets better. I really hope so as this has just stressed me out for months and deeply affected me

OP it sounds like a big improvement from the previous dramas caused by her. I hope it carries on this way and things just get better and better for you all. Any chance she could've seen your threads?

Glad it went well!

Glad it went well and you both made an effort

Archie I'm unsure to be honest, I don't think she uses this site and I have a feeling she would of kicked of if she had

Thank you across and atenco

Thank you all for your support through this, so many strangers who have helped in heaps and bounds, honestly thank you all so much