MIL.... AGAIN. PLEASE HELP.

[mumblebees]

PLEASE READ, THANK YOU SO MUCH

I've been having problems with my MIL for around a year now, it all started when I, for the first time in almost 7 years, turned around and said 'no' to her she lives almost 100miles away (I don't drive either) and kept going on and on and on and on about having my DD who is only 4 overnight for days on end. I politely kept putting her off but she kept going behind my back to my DH when I wasn't in and convincing him to basically make me change my mind. Caused a lot of grief between me & DH and finally I text her asking her politely to stop asking as it wasn't going to happen and to not go behind my back etc.

Many things have happened since, interfering, ridiculous amounts of FaceTime calls per week to DD on DH's phone, name calling to me over the phone (two faced cow, bad mother, bad wife, controlling, silly child....) because I've said 'no' and started being more assertive. It all hit a head again over Easter because she was asking what to get DD for Easter. I said an egg, just like everybody else, after all, when did Easter become about iPads and the like?! She got huffy and waned to spoil her (as usual and which we don't agree with as we want to bring DD up to be grateful and count her blessings).

I'm sure she does this to look 'better' than us as we can't afford named brands etc (not that I'd spend crazy money like that anyway). She always goes ridiculous for Christmas/Birthdays etc... making us look bad and her like 'the one that will get DD anything she ever wants' (sure this is deliberate ) anyway, I said no, just get an egg like all the other children in her school will be getting, a few days later we get a package full of clothes after me repeatedly saying just an egg will be fine. I contacted her about it and she said 'she will buy DD whatever she wants and won't be dictated to by me, a silly child' (I'm 21, studying for a degree with a PT job, training and a small buisness for goodness sake!) I said well I'm her mother and I'm afraid what I say goes but she wasn't having any of it it's almost like she thinks DD is hers IYSWIM?

When she calls she's not bothered about speaking to DH, just says 'where's my baby'?! I'm sick and tired of it and don't know what to do. DH has only just started backing me up, before he was to afraid to upset her it seemed, she's quite manipulative with him but I was getting really hurt in the process she also says things to DD on the phone so she'll pester me for things or to go somewhere. Like at Christmas I overheard whispering in a separate room asking DD whether 'she'd like to stay longer and if so, she'll have to ask mummy'. Clearly done secretly and not expecting to be heard.

She's due here on Wednesday and I really don't want her to come if I'm to be honest, I know she'll play mind games and do the things I ask her not to do (like take DD to the shop and not just buy her one or two things but the whole frickin' shop or want to go somewhere extravagant which again makes us look bad as we don't drive so can't really get to many extravagant places but we do do other things like country park outings, wood walks, parks, swimming etc...)

This is just a snippet of what's been going on

WWYD ladies?

I feel so anxious and depressed and am so worried for the future with her I can honestly see he turning DD against me with her manipulation or extravagant expensive gifts I've put up with this for 7 years now and only just started to stand up for myself but all that seems to be doing is causing problems and guilt

Bill I do understand what your saying and can see how it comes across that way but honestly, this is different. She's money obsessed, always has been and tries to buy her families love. She also likes to look like the big 'I am' IMHO also....

I think you need U.K. Follow through, if she ignores you then calmly tell her to leave - don't listen to her excuses (I too had a controlling m-in-l)

OP, do you and your dh share the same ideas about child-rearing and what you want for your dd? Because you talk as if these ideas are joint and yet he is not defending them the way you are.

Thanks notapizza and yes atenco we pretty much feel the same although DH doesn't think it's intrusive for multiple calls per day of FIL and doesn't have an issue with DD staying away but other than that we are on the same page....

I'd just like to add something else that has hurt me deeply also. I found out, when I was at the height of a previous mental illness (severe anxiety) and was in the midst of a panic attack, she took DH to one side and was talking to him and instead of offering support for him and me, you know like 'if you need to talk' or 'if you need to have an hour to yourself' blah blah blah... well instead, she was talking to him about leaving me?! Bearing in mind we've been together for almost 7 years, happily married for almost 4 AND i stood by him through two separate issues years ago. During which she was nowhere to be seen! In fact, she chucked him out?! So to find this out I was massively let down and upset I'm not trying to turn this into a 'slating MIL' thread as that's not what I'm like but I just need to get this stuff of my chest I guess

That last thing about the MH issues is truly fucking awful

I don't think I'll ever forget that, it hurt so bloody much

I wouldn't have anyone in my house who'd called me a two faced cow, bad mother, bad wife, controlling or a silly child.

You could tell your DH that. Is he afraid of upsetting his mother but OK about you being upset? He needs to choose.

That's really horrible! I assume your DH told you about this? And he's still allowing her in your home and around your (and his) child?

You and DH need to seek couple's counseling. He needs to understand where his priorities lay and you need to become more assertive. That's not easy, I know, but with proper support from your DH you can do it.

how about you stop allowing her to behave this way towards you?
In your house - YOU are in control - so grow a backbone and start being assertive with both her and your dh.

She's using money and gifts to drive a wedge in your relationship with your dd and to undermine you as the parent.
You do realise you can literally refuse to accept gifts from her?
Or that you can put a stop to her trying to 'outgift' you at xmas and birthdays?....you simply refuse to accept them if she doesn't respect your wishes.

Your dd may be upset at first but she'll get over it - and that's only if you do this in front of her.

If mil decides to portray you as 'bad cop' when dd starts asking for the gifts - well you simply follow through with consequences of overstepping boundaries.....and i wouldn't think twice about telling DD that mil is out of order for behaving the way she does.

This could be me, but in my case it's my own mother and I'm in my late 30s. My advice would be to address it now however much drama and upset it causes. I didn't address it for years and it was a lot harder as things had been left to go on and on for so long. There was fall out and a period of not speaking but I feel it's my child and my word goes. You can bet you MIL would have had something to say if her MIL was overbearing!

Go NC with the cow, op. She can't access your DD without respecting you.

It is ridiculous that your husband still expects you to put up with her, OP.

OP, I understand that there is a lot more going on here - I said as much in my first post.

BUT I have to say that you mention things like "she's trying to make herself look better than me" so often - which is noteworthy, it stands out, because it's a weird dynamic for a mother and a grandmother to have. And that is not only coming from her - you are also engaged in it. You are feeling defensive and denying your child generous gifts because of your agenda. All this crap about her wanting to buy the "main" gift - sorry, but that is on you. I can say, hand on heart, that if my PILs wanted to bestow generous gifts on my children, I would be delighted.

Your daughter will not get the two of you confused. Give her some credit! There is no competition, you are her mother!

I think your respective ages are also a factor. You mention that she calls you a "silly child". You also, in your last post to me, explain that you would never tell her how to parent her own children. Well, sorry, but as the DIL of course you bloody well wouldn't. She is the MIL, and (much as people don't like it), if anyone is going to be handing out parenting advice, it will be coming from the MIL.

(In other words, don't be patting yourself on the back for not offering parenting advice to her even if she does to you, because MILs offering advice and not expecting any back is very much the norm.)

Usually, all of the MIL's children would be fully grown before DILs even came on the scene. But your wording makes me think that perhaps your MIL still has "children"? Does she? Is there a relatively small age gap between you and your MIL?

I am not denying that this person sounds awful. By all means, try to get to a place where you don't have to deal with her any more.

But don't confuse matters. The problems she is bringing are related to her calling you names (unacceptable) and trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband (also awful). The gifts are not a problem. Your daughter will never thank you for refusing gifts on her behalf. As a PP said, the core values she learns at home will prevail. But cutting her off from a benefactor - even one who is, in some way, trying to buy her love - I don't see that as particularly good parenting.

You have dismissed all of my points so far, but I do hope you take on board a little of what I am saying. Like I said, she sounds awful. But the gifts are not the problem here - no more patting yourself on the back on that front, please.

DeadGood get over yourself.

Op spot on to dislike MIL buying her DD's love and lording her financial superiority over her. It's repugnant.

Get over myself? Nope, shan't.

Like I said, OP can cut her MIL off if she can make that work with her husband, but the gift thing is neither here nor there. Who gives a shit if the MIL is better off? Of course she is! Everyone's parents have more money than their kids these days. Absolutely no reason to start refusing gifts.

Some people pay to put their grandchildren through private schooling FFS. That costs a hell of a lot more than an iPad.

the gift thing is neither here nor there

How would you feel if you could only afford to give your child one Christmas present, yet granny rocks up with literally hundreds of pounds worth of flash presents?

She's not doing it out of love. It's all about control. She's emotionally abusive OP and you need to be honest with your husband about how hurt you feel by her actions and comments.

"How would you feel if you could only afford to give your child one Christmas present, yet granny rocks up with literally hundreds of pounds worth of flash presents?"

I would quite honestly be glad that somebody could. Without wanting to sound vomit-worthy, I would put my own feelings aside and try to appreciate that it wasn't about me.

But, I can see that I'm in the minority here. Look, I have been very unhappy about my own relative poverty when it comes to friends or colleagues. Even siblings, I can understand people being touchy about. But parents (or parents-in-law)? It just seems like the natural order of things, for them to have more disposable income, and to want to spend it on their children.

Maybe it is a control thing, but it can also be of benefit to the child. Sorry but you can't convince me that a child having nice stuff is somehow 'bad' for them.

*and to want to spend it on their grandchildren.

Sapphire I'm not sure to be honest

Across yes it was DH who told me about this, took him months but eventually told me....

Couldntmake so glad you understand. You've hit the nail on the head with your post, that's exactly what she's trying to do....

Darnda your right!! She wouldn't put up with anyone telling her what to do or how to parent, I know for a fact she wouldn't but it seems okay to her to do it to me

Hotto I wish I could but I would feel like I'm the bad guy

Deadgood we clearly have different views, I don't think you realise the extents she goes to as your not living my life and can only go off what I've wrote. I'm afraid I'm going to go with the majority on this one..... but thank you for taking the time to listen. I certainly don't agree because she's 'MIL' that gives her a right to question my parenting but because I'm 'DIL' I shouldn't, if every MIL was like that they'd be no family units IMO, she has a child who is still living at home, not that that makes any difference to her insults and hierarchy.

Pea thanks for understanding. I can afford to get her this, that and the other but instead I ask her to choose X,Y & Z rather than getting absolutely everything she asks for because, to me, she'd grow up like MIL's DD and as much as it pains me to say it and makes me feel terribly guilty, I don't want that MIL's DD is going to have a heck of a shock when she enters the real world and everything isn't a simple 'yes'....

I've only read the OP but I would cut this woman out of my life completely tbh.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up for you unfailingly and without hesitation on all counts. Your MIL is a bitch and should be told fuck the fuck off.

I wouldn't bother answering the phone to her.id be out when she visits. Wouldnt give her the time of day.

"I certainly don't agree because she's 'MIL' that gives her a right to question my parenting but because I'm 'DIL' I shouldn't"

That isn't quite what I said. I never said that she has a right to question your parenting. That said, you definitely shouldn't be offering any sort of opinion about hers whatsoever. You know that, right?

There is a hierarchy. Sorry, but there is. She sounds horrible in many, many ways - but I can see why she would not want to be "dictated to by you" (her words).

Sounds like the relationship has broken down so distancing yourself is probably the best idea.

Calling you a cow?? A bitch??? A silly child? ??? No no and no. I am quite surprised you guys are even inviting her over to your home after talking about you in that manner... no wonder she thinks she can get away with whatever she wants.

Hey there bees
I think a good place to start would be "A woman in your own right - Assertiveness and you" by Anne Dickson, it's very readable and has a good forward reading list.

Just to backtrack a little ~ you mentioned in passing how your MIL had abandoned your DH at a critical point in his life during which time you had supported him....
I think this explains a lot about your DH's relationship with his mother, he is still seeking her approval and so is prepared to excuse her faults re you and DD, because he does not want her to abandon him again. He is a lot further away from the adult/adult relationship with her than you are, and this may well cause conflict between the two of you.

You have got a difficult and rocky road ahead of you, but you have to tread it and the sooner the better, or you will face twenty or thirty years of MIL dictating her wants and desires to you.