MIL.... AGAIN. PLEASE HELP.

[mumblebees]

PLEASE READ, THANK YOU SO MUCH

I've been having problems with my MIL for around a year now, it all started when I, for the first time in almost 7 years, turned around and said 'no' to her she lives almost 100miles away (I don't drive either) and kept going on and on and on and on about having my DD who is only 4 overnight for days on end. I politely kept putting her off but she kept going behind my back to my DH when I wasn't in and convincing him to basically make me change my mind. Caused a lot of grief between me & DH and finally I text her asking her politely to stop asking as it wasn't going to happen and to not go behind my back etc.

Many things have happened since, interfering, ridiculous amounts of FaceTime calls per week to DD on DH's phone, name calling to me over the phone (two faced cow, bad mother, bad wife, controlling, silly child....) because I've said 'no' and started being more assertive. It all hit a head again over Easter because she was asking what to get DD for Easter. I said an egg, just like everybody else, after all, when did Easter become about iPads and the like?! She got huffy and waned to spoil her (as usual and which we don't agree with as we want to bring DD up to be grateful and count her blessings).

I'm sure she does this to look 'better' than us as we can't afford named brands etc (not that I'd spend crazy money like that anyway). She always goes ridiculous for Christmas/Birthdays etc... making us look bad and her like 'the one that will get DD anything she ever wants' (sure this is deliberate ) anyway, I said no, just get an egg like all the other children in her school will be getting, a few days later we get a package full of clothes after me repeatedly saying just an egg will be fine. I contacted her about it and she said 'she will buy DD whatever she wants and won't be dictated to by me, a silly child' (I'm 21, studying for a degree with a PT job, training and a small buisness for goodness sake!) I said well I'm her mother and I'm afraid what I say goes but she wasn't having any of it it's almost like she thinks DD is hers IYSWIM?

When she calls she's not bothered about speaking to DH, just says 'where's my baby'?! I'm sick and tired of it and don't know what to do. DH has only just started backing me up, before he was to afraid to upset her it seemed, she's quite manipulative with him but I was getting really hurt in the process she also says things to DD on the phone so she'll pester me for things or to go somewhere. Like at Christmas I overheard whispering in a separate room asking DD whether 'she'd like to stay longer and if so, she'll have to ask mummy'. Clearly done secretly and not expecting to be heard.

She's due here on Wednesday and I really don't want her to come if I'm to be honest, I know she'll play mind games and do the things I ask her not to do (like take DD to the shop and not just buy her one or two things but the whole frickin' shop or want to go somewhere extravagant which again makes us look bad as we don't drive so can't really get to many extravagant places but we do do other things like country park outings, wood walks, parks, swimming etc...)

This is just a snippet of what's been going on

WWYD ladies?

I feel so anxious and depressed and am so worried for the future with her I can honestly see he turning DD against me with her manipulation or extravagant expensive gifts I've put up with this for 7 years now and only just started to stand up for myself but all that seems to be doing is causing problems and guilt

As a mil op I find her behaviour utterly unnaceptable and cruel. How dare she call you names.

Personally I would phone her and set out your stall now.

No name calling, no dd staying overnight so don't ask. That's a red line.

The present buying would be ok if it came from a place of love but clearly it isn't so no shopping trips until she can restrain herself.

Then see How she reacts to that personally if she argues with you I would tell her she's not welcome on wed so not to bother until she can behave like a normal person.

Finally you need your dh to back you up no ifs no buts

Catsandcuddles and Libbyliz thank you both so much that makes me feel a lot better considering she deemed me not such a great mum. I do ponder on that sometimes and get rather upset wondering whether she's right, but I try my best and guess that's all we can do! She particularly doesn't agree with me disciplining DD, not corporal just to add, I just put consequences in place for bad or unwanted behaviour, but she has a problem with that too :(

Waitforitdear thanks for your perspective I have told her it wasn't acceptable but she told me I wasn't to dictate to her what she does and doesn't do with my DD

Erm, yes you can dictate to her when it concerns your DD!

And you would be quite within your rights to stop contact if she won't stick to your terms.

My mil has done lots of lovely things with our dc that we couldn't afford.
It's a shame you have been so awful to her after she only wanted to treat your child, her grandchild.

There's certainly no need for name calling and some of her behaviour, and not condoning it at all, but maybe she feels backed into a corner.
It's not a competition who can provide more and at four how would your dd know who bought presents and how much they cost.

You clearly don't like the fact mil can help in this way, are you the same with your family.

I'm glad my future dils aren't like you, phew.

gilly that's a very strange post unless you really havnt read the whole thread which I suspect you havnt.

I have never felt it normal to call anyone a bitch or a cow let alone my lovejy dils. my advice to you for your future dils is to not do so either!

Op you say she tells you you can't dictate to her what she does or doesn't do with your dd?

Thing is as mum you absolutlry can.

I appreciate this waitforit

I said, I certainly don't condone her behaviour at all.
Unless I'm wrong in which case I apologise it reads like the OP from the start has said no to mil having dd over night, hence the covert talking to dd about asking her mum to stay over and going to her dh for support.

It's a two way thing surely. Me and my mil didn't exactly see eye to eye when we met, but over the years have come to get on and have a mutual respect for each other.
I'd never stop her from seeing the kids or them stopping over and we have lived 100 miles away from pil's.

Of course you dictate what happens to your own children, this shouldn't mean not encouraging a healthy relationship with gp's.

From the OP, it clearly looks like the OP doesn't want her mil involved at all, and that's sad as it takes a village and all.......

Think that's still unfair though as I would t want any 4 year old of mine stopping overnight at an address 100 miles from me to be honest.

Being a mil takes tact snd tongue biting with oodles of support and only giving advice when offered snd following parents rules.

If you start that way you gain their trust and respect and love.

We had our grandchildren overnight from 6 weeks on about twice a month. Hang on What am I doing wrong! only joking op hope it gets sorted

She told you that you weren't allowed to tell her what to do with your DD? Listen to yourself op ofc you're not being unreasonable, this is sad that she's beating you down to the point of you questioning whether you're a good mother. If I were you I would say that your DD is not seeing her until she adheres to your rules and make sure your DP is on your side, she's a bitch and your child is your child she's not entitled to anything. The sooner she sees she's not entitled to anything the better.

I have told her it wasn't acceptable but she told me I wasn't to dictate to her what she does and doesn't do with my DD

The obvious response to this is "Well maybe not, but I can certainly 'dictate' when you see her if you don't abide by our wishes". The problem is that if you don't have your DH's support you really can't say that with any conviction as he won't back you up.

I suggest you stop trying to change your MiL and start trying to get your DH to back you up. It's the only way you're going to be able to fix this situation. Stop and think....is there any way you can get him to change? Counseling? Threats? Coercion?

I've just been reading about the multiple phone calls a day bees, and her telling you that you couldn't dictate to her about your child, her name calling you etc.
But you CAN dictate to her, because it's your life and your child's upbringing that she is belittling and undermining.

What happens when she phones and you say you are not available for the rest of the day?

Thanks for your sweet comment about MIL, I hope you make yours toe the line soon!

It's not a healthy relationship though is it? It's one where DD is being manipulated and weaponised against her own mother.

It's so bloody sad isn't it as intimately it's the grandchildren who loose out. The relationship I have and hope to have with my grandchildren is so special and so different to the relationship I have with my own children.

What a shame to sabotage that.

Gilly I don't even know how to respond to your post to be honest. That's so upsetting that you think that

Thank you to all of the rest of you who have given me sound, considerate and understanding advice. My anxiety is so high right now about tomorrow, literally feel like crying, it's all so ridiculous truth be told, I don't know how to get DH on board at all. He seems so bland and blank about it all which actually hurts

Ada when we don't answer she persists all day in ringing and then when finally the phone is answered whether same day or next day we get 'oh now you decide to answer' in a sarcastic tone. FIL is the same

Bill you hit the nail on the head with your last post. That's EXACTLY how I feel and what I feel like she's doing.

I know I've just said it but just to retiterate, I am so so grateful for all of your advice and support. I'm quite overwhelmed that so many of you have responded and read my long post. Thank you

I think you need to ride out the sarcasm. Just totally ignore it and treat them in the same way you would do with a childish tantrum. Would you give in to dd if she started tantrumming because she didn't get her own way? You and I and probably every poster on here knows the answer to that one!

Take each minute as it comes. The anticipation of a visit can be utter hell, but let's get through it and see how the land lies afterwards. It might be explosive, but that will make something change.

Your MIL needs to remember that your DD isn't her daughter. She gives me rage in your behalf.

Shesaid I wish she would realise that!

Fwiw I don't think she's ever going to accept it. So the only thing left to do is try to manage it. And if that means cutting or severely reducing contact then so be it.

Ohfourfoxsake I'm just scared of what DH would say if I did that though, he just seems so unfazed by it all.... grrrrr. I really have no idea how to go about all this

I'd think you'd be entirely reasonable to not let her see you or your DD quite frankly and let your DH do what he wants but there's no way in hell I'd let my MIL around my DC if she couldn't be civil about or to me

Does your DH not see how stressed this is making you?

Sorry I read the thread yesterday and I've forgotten - but are your parents about op? I was wondering what your relationship is like and whether he can learn from observing a less dysfunctional parent/child relationship how they should work

Sorry you're going through this. I agree with the pp. it's not her you need to work on. It's your DH. It all means nothing if you don't have his support.

While it does look like you have a MiL problem, I think your bigger issue is a DH problem tbh - he needs to decide where his priorities lie: with his mother or his wife/child.
it is not on for him to 'stay out of it' and leave you to deal with his mother.

Do you feel that your parenting values are the same? Do talk about what you want for your DD? What values you want to instill in her??

Would some counselling help? For you to help clarify your thoughts, give you some strategies how to handle your MiL when you feel she is overbearing?? Or even some sessions as a couple? It can be very useful to have a neutral stranger in the room to allow for honest and not-heated conversation.

Having said all that, my lovely parents are in another country from where their DGCs live and because of that their gifts can be ott and more than I would think appropriate, so maybe there is an element of that also?

The way she seems to want to monopolise you DD and manipulate her against her is deep dysfunctional and wrong though. A child should never be piggie in the middle for adults to sort their problems .

Get some support on board for yourself

Aaaaaaaarrrr yes she can see how upset I'm getting about it and yes I do have a family, completely normal and completely healthy and good relationships. Once a week phone call, odd visit excetra. They have a normal relationship with DD. They also know what's happened recently and are peeved on my behalf and say pretty much what everyone on this thread has said....

Pacific yep he seems to want to stay out of it but I truly feel like he's more bothered about MIL's reaction than mine, perhaps because he knows how she can be? I don't know but it does hurt as other than MIL, we have a great marriage. 90% of our rows are because of her. We don't really row about anything else, as I said, we have a good marriage really....