MIL.... AGAIN. PLEASE HELP.

[mumblebees]

PLEASE READ, THANK YOU SO MUCH

I've been having problems with my MIL for around a year now, it all started when I, for the first time in almost 7 years, turned around and said 'no' to her she lives almost 100miles away (I don't drive either) and kept going on and on and on and on about having my DD who is only 4 overnight for days on end. I politely kept putting her off but she kept going behind my back to my DH when I wasn't in and convincing him to basically make me change my mind. Caused a lot of grief between me & DH and finally I text her asking her politely to stop asking as it wasn't going to happen and to not go behind my back etc.

Many things have happened since, interfering, ridiculous amounts of FaceTime calls per week to DD on DH's phone, name calling to me over the phone (two faced cow, bad mother, bad wife, controlling, silly child....) because I've said 'no' and started being more assertive. It all hit a head again over Easter because she was asking what to get DD for Easter. I said an egg, just like everybody else, after all, when did Easter become about iPads and the like?! She got huffy and waned to spoil her (as usual and which we don't agree with as we want to bring DD up to be grateful and count her blessings).

I'm sure she does this to look 'better' than us as we can't afford named brands etc (not that I'd spend crazy money like that anyway). She always goes ridiculous for Christmas/Birthdays etc... making us look bad and her like 'the one that will get DD anything she ever wants' (sure this is deliberate ) anyway, I said no, just get an egg like all the other children in her school will be getting, a few days later we get a package full of clothes after me repeatedly saying just an egg will be fine. I contacted her about it and she said 'she will buy DD whatever she wants and won't be dictated to by me, a silly child' (I'm 21, studying for a degree with a PT job, training and a small buisness for goodness sake!) I said well I'm her mother and I'm afraid what I say goes but she wasn't having any of it it's almost like she thinks DD is hers IYSWIM?

When she calls she's not bothered about speaking to DH, just says 'where's my baby'?! I'm sick and tired of it and don't know what to do. DH has only just started backing me up, before he was to afraid to upset her it seemed, she's quite manipulative with him but I was getting really hurt in the process she also says things to DD on the phone so she'll pester me for things or to go somewhere. Like at Christmas I overheard whispering in a separate room asking DD whether 'she'd like to stay longer and if so, she'll have to ask mummy'. Clearly done secretly and not expecting to be heard.

She's due here on Wednesday and I really don't want her to come if I'm to be honest, I know she'll play mind games and do the things I ask her not to do (like take DD to the shop and not just buy her one or two things but the whole frickin' shop or want to go somewhere extravagant which again makes us look bad as we don't drive so can't really get to many extravagant places but we do do other things like country park outings, wood walks, parks, swimming etc...)

This is just a snippet of what's been going on

WWYD ladies?

I feel so anxious and depressed and am so worried for the future with her I can honestly see he turning DD against me with her manipulation or extravagant expensive gifts I've put up with this for 7 years now and only just started to stand up for myself but all that seems to be doing is causing problems and guilt

OP, I haven't got any useful advice sorry, but I just wanted to say that your post and your replies are really balanced, mature (not meaning to sound ageist, just comparing to me at 21!) and level headed. I admire your values too. My ds is saving up for a special toy and I'd be really annoyed if someone just bought it for him. Good luck with tackling this issue, I'm sure you'll do a great job.

How often does she get to see your DD and is your DD her only grandchild. My parents live about 140 miles from us and my Dad does a lot of travelling with work so they don't get to see our DCs a lot and so spoil them rotten when they do. From a DH perspective this is really tricky as you are in a lose lose position between your mum and your wife. I agree about sending your DD away to her isn't riget if you feel uncomfortable but is it because she doesn't get to see your DD regularly that she is overcompensating?

Of course the nastiness on the phone is not acceptable, but perhaps it can be put in the past for a better relationship?

Deadgood I'm afraid I value every human as an equal, not as hierarchical so I don't think we will ever agree...

Lisa I'm mainly doing it for DH and DD's sake, if it was just me, I would of had NC a long time ago...

Thanks ada, I'll check that out. And thanks again for your advice, it's a big help

Thank you teapotter

Daddystep she used to, before all of this occurred, visit very regularly, almost to regularly IMO. Also used to FaceTime multiple times a week, never to speak to her son, just DD which I can imagine deep down hurts DH. She's definitely not overcompensating as when we lived nearer (in the same town) she did the same... it's been going on for years.

bees I hope things work out for you, I'm a MIL and I could teach yours a thing or two.

I just wanted to add...DeadGood , I don't honestly understand your notion that endless expensive gifts can cause no harm. I genuinely believe that a child constantly getting what they want teaches them nothing good. How do you learn to appreciate or be grateful for material things if they are constantly there for the taking? Or appreciate that material things are not the be all and end all? How is anything a treat if you get it all the time and never have to wait? OP, I complete get your POV.

My dad likes to spend more on my kids than I do when it comes to Christmas and birthdays and it does get on my nerves occasionally, because I know he does it so that he can try to be the centre of their Christmas or birthday. He also tries to parent my children and make lots of things about him BUT I grit my teeth and let him get on with it because he is kind and thoughtful in other ways and because we live in different countries! So the effects are diluted by distance.

I think it is difficult for you if your husband is not on the same page. It's all about boundaries, I guess. Your MIL is not going to back off, or stop being the way she is and I'm pretty sure any resistance you put up will be met with force. I think it's a case of deciding what you will and won't accept, communicate that to her and stay firm. You are well within your rights to ask for her to respect your boundaries...but of course there will be fall out, in the beginning at least. Good luck.

Ada you sound like a wonderful MIL!!

Jemima thanks lovely. Your post is exactly what I was trying to get across but I don't think I articulated it as well as you. I agree 100%. Plus, children who grow up like that will have a major shock in the real world, especially in employment when they realise everything isn't a firm 'yes'....

Could I ask you all too please, do you think it's normal for PIL's to ring and FaceTime every single day, and many a time multiple times a day? Wanting to know every single detail of our lives and day, and wanting to speak to DD every day although there's nothing much to talk about? I'm just finding it so intrusive, but DH doesn't seem to see a problem with it AIBU?

No, I don't think that's normal, OP.

It isn't normal at all and I think you have a DH problem

No, that amount of face timing is excessive and intrusive.

Your DH needs to grow a pair.

FaceTime once a week for 30 mins - your house your rules

No excessive/expensive gifts and only special occasions/ earnt/rewarded depending on circumstances- or just no except birthday/Christmas- your child your rules

Name calling / being rude - stamp on it each time - if in your house tell her to leave - her house you leave either make clear you are not accepting this

Having a person like your mil in your child's life is not beneficial to your child and yes there may be a risk of alienation as she grows older if you don't take serious steps to minimise these things.

You need to do above whilst your DH grows a pair and learns how to stand up for his family.

Phew, glad I'm not just being sensitive about that....

Somebody calling you multiple times a day is making demands on your time and concentration. It's not much different compared to someone being physically present in your home.

What i've noticed over the years is that over-gifting doesn't just undermine the parents and sabotage their parenting. It sows a destructive seed that blooms during the most difficult times - such as the teen years.

I've seen what would otherwise have been a 'normal stroppy teen' situation escalate into a mexican standoff with the teen moving in with PIL - who carried on their manipulations which led to estrangement between parent and child.

People like your MIL play the long game - their need to 'win' at all costs.
Right now you have the power to control mil's access to your DD, but as your DD grows older and more independent MIL will use that to her advantage.
So consider carefully what kind of access/relationship you want to encourage.

Couldntmake oh gosh that's scared me so much now!!! Thanks for being honest though....

I think it is completely excessive.

I am prepared to concede that we may not see as much of GPs (both sides) as a lot of people, but our DC would perhaps see each set of GPs maybe once a month / every 6 weeks, for a few hours at a time.

No gift buying, no phone calls in between as a rule.

What you are describing is weird and possessive.

I winder if you could open a bank account and ask her to give money instead if presents? To save up for driving lessons. Then your DD will always have something special from her forever which lasts?

It's difficult and she is being ridiculous but you are in danger to swinging too far the other way (I understand you feel driven to it) so I think you should try compromising more.

So the clothes won't be given to her for Easter but thank you very much.

We are not comfortable with dd staying away on her own but we will all come down and me and dh will make ourselves scarce for the day and come back after bedtime.

FaceTime twice a week at set times when DH is in. Set up a what's app and share photos with her the rest of the week.

But yes she needs called on her behaviour especially name calling you DH needs to nip this in the bud. I think he should phone her before she arrives and warn her that it won't be tolerated.

youve got a few separate things going on here - the main issue imo is MILs attitude towards you. Sounds like you need strengthen your relationship. This tension could carry on for years and thus will be the bigger issue that DD will pick up on. You and DH need to agree on what you think and make one firm stand. Sounds like DH is lost with what to do and ends up agreeing with both of you.

I'm not saying she's right at all but imagine if she were to post on here she'd be saying- I don't get time with my granddaughter, I buy gifts but they don't want them, I try to help them out as they don't have much money but they don't want it.

I'm sure you'll think this is a terrible idea but do you need to invite her to stay more?? Once the initial present buying is over she may calm down. Can you try to channel the gifts she buys too?? it sounds like money is tight so if she helped with the things you need then it may really help you out. Eg. When DS goes up a size or the weather changes, new clothes would be very useful.

Just thinking after finishing the last message, has MIL always been the same? Did you say DD is 4? If so, it may take a while for some of this to improve as youve all carried on this way for a few years.

That's such a good and insightful post CouldntMakeThisShitUp and I think OP needs to share it with DH.

I agree with people suggesting she set up some kind of investment account instead. It's a great idea - a win-win. She'll probably like the long-term nature of it as it implies a good future relationship between her and dd.

Also, get your dd into donating her stuff and feeling good from doing good for others. It's another win-win idea.

Facetiming (whatever that is!) every day sounds excessive. I would find a way out of that - be too busy?? Schedule once/twice weekly calls?? Also, include yourself sometimes too.

Based on the name calling alone, I would cancel her coming. Maybe say you've had a re-think and that you feel the need for boundaries given how rude she's been to you. Be brief but explicit - phrases like, "As you know" can help, because she does know. I think she's trying to take the piss of you because you're young and nice and probably easy for her to manipulate. (No offence, it's just how it is - older people can often see younger people coming cos they've been there.)

Lastly, get your dh more onside. It sounds like he's struggling to deal with this due to all his past programming from her.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for your input beryl
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Headofthehive* yes that's a good idea, thank you!

Lucked thank you, it seems from this thread that I definitely need to be more assertive and set boundaries.

Newtothis thank you for your reply. She actually used to stay excessively too! But I put a stop to it as it was becoming intrusive. She even turned up twice unannounced last year.
I think I may have come across as money is tight but it's not, DD has more than enough but MIL goes OTT, as in not clothes from time to time etc... but trampolines IYSWIM. I wouldn't have an issue with occasional helpful gifts throughout the year.... I can also see what your saying about if she were to post on here but before all this happened she got so much time with DD, as I just said, she was always here but it got really annoying as it felt far to intrusive. And she knows she doesn't buy things to be helpful as she knows she goes OTT, I'm pretty sure it's a power thing and yes, she's always been the same but I've only just got to the point that I've had enough, I've been trying to keep the peace for years but I can't go on like this

Catsandcandles yes that was really helpful, thank you

Had a blooming nightmare last night about her coming

Come back if you need more help.

I don't think I have any helpful advice but I just wanted to say, reading what you've put about the way you bring up your child, the way you are trying to guide her in life and encourage the right attitude from her makes you sound like a really good mum. I think you're doing a really good job. I was a young mum myself (17) and it was really hard to cope with people who wanted to dominate, take over and ignore my parenting beliefs but I did it and you will too. We'll done so far x

I agree, Libby.
I'd love you as a dil.