What's a few minutes between friends

[NottheWhiteRabbit]

I'm interested in people's view points on punctuality.

I'm generally on time for important things like work, interviews, and time critical activities like going to cinema or theatre etc.

But... for things like meeting a friend for coffee, soft play, walks etc, I would assume the meeting time as an approximate! I'm usually no later than about 10 mins. Is this very bad? I genuinely always aim to be on time but fate always conspire against me and I end up late for various reasons. But it could be because I'm more relaxed about the timing as it's only a leisure/ fun thing. Most of my friends are the same and we end up there about the same time anyway. If i'm the one on time, I'm also personally happy to go in on my own and get started on whatever we are doing or could wait at entrance or in the car. It becomes a problem when I meet a couple of friends who are obviously much more organised but are adamant to wait at the entrance of things, sometimes they're even early so they feel like they've waited a very long time! They do get a bit huffy. But I always text when I'm late, so in fact I'm 5/ 10 mins late but they've waited 20mins let's say, AIBU to think they don't get to be too pissed off?

I hate being late! I get terribly stressed and anxious. My only excuse, if I dare to say I have one, is ADD.

I've made some improvement, though by using my phone's appointment alarm function. Gives me notifications half an hour before, 15 minutes, etc.

WTF is it with all this "my time is more valuable than others" shite?? That applies for a set meeting at a set time for something very important but if I'm meeting a mate and one of us is 5-10 mins late...big whooop! I think this thread just goes to show how different people are and why everyone can't be friends with one another.

I genuinely cannot believe some of the responses you've had on here. Firstly, things come up unannounced i.e., ds pooping just before I leave the house, or phone rings, or ds throws milk up and I've got to change him. Life can be unexpected sometimes, in fact often! You said you always text. I'd like to think that if the person your meeting is stressed that your running late, then to just say they will meet you another time as they couldn't wait. It's not as though you just sit at home finished a glass of wine and filing your nails thinking oh well, so what if I'm late. Oh my days, how tense so many people must be to run themselves ragged to be bang on time everywhere. Everyone is late at one time or another. What do they suggest, we plug our babies bottoms to avoid inconvenient poops and unplug the phone and ensure we run our lives with military precision!! Family life is chaotic sometimes. A good friend will show understanding. A not so good friend will judge you and think, 'I'm never late, I'm so bloomin perfect'. There is far too much already to stress about, without feeling the brunt of other people's criticisms. It's completely unrealistic to expect there to be no occasion for lateness particularly when just a few minutes. The fact that on the occasions where you are late, your expectation that your friend will understand is a compliment to them. Your not saying, tough, I don't care about my time with you! Keep calm and carry on. You are living your life freely not with anxiety and strict regime.

The problem is some people do turn up late on purpose as a kind of powerplay/selfish thing (they personally hate waiting so turn up late so they are never the one left waiting).

If someone consistently does it I do start to wonder if it is a red flag (although by then there are usually other red flags too...). As someone mentioned before - the test is to keep them waiting and see their response!

"I genuinely cannot believe some of the responses you've had on here"

Really? You think that number of posters are all lying, and no-one is ever on time? Or never commits to a specific time because they can't make an adequate contingency plan?

Or have you just missed the posts on which people say that an occasional crisis is of course not the same persistent regular lateness (for specific times not -ish times)?

Being regularly late is both rude and manipulative. You can either think that's OK, or you can actually have a little more respect for other people's lives and stick to the arrangements you made (or not make them in the first placement if you cannot make them).

It all starts with a belief that not leaving people waiting is important.

Without that, you will probably to continue to make excuses, not plans which allow for the vagaries of life.

I'm the same as you NottheWhiteRabbit...I'm on time for important stuff, but timings are chilled for leisure meet ups. If my friends have a problem with that, they can ask a more punctual friend to meet them; I can't do with high maintenance people!

I see the DM have used the thread this morning!

"I'm on time for important stuff"

Your friends aren't important to you?

It's not important to me to be on time to the minute. If that's how my friends rate me and it's so important to them, then they can move on...Sometimes I'm early, on time and late. Who cares? We're all grown mothers who are capable of going into a cafe, soft play or shops on our own until your meeting people arrive. If not, then there's other issues going on.

Some of us aren't actually mothers... just saying

It's nothing to do with what a person is "capable of" though in terms of solo activities.

It's about what people have agreed to do and whether someone cares enough about their so-called friends to keep to their commitments - or not to enter in to time-specific arrangements in the first place if they are not capable of carrying them out.

This is actually so easy. Some of her friends don't like it when she is late. She asks if it's ok. She has a choice.

Annoy her friends by continuing to be late, which shows she doesn't care if they get huffy.

Stop meeting those friends, because her convenience is more important than the extra effort to get there on time.

Make an effort, for those friends, to get there on time.

Easy.

Maybe I am old fashioned but being late without good reason just smacks of laziness and a lack or respect for the person you are going to see. I'm not going to go ballistic or defriend someone for piss poor timekeeping but I will definitely put them in the 'flakey' pigeonhole as someone who can't be relied upon and that would impact on what activities I agree to do with them in future.

Eastie I bet you would care if your cm started arriving at your house at 8:10 or later pretty much every day. You understand that shit sometimes happens because she is generally punctual. People are generally understanding when people are occasionally unavoidably late. It's when it's constant and deliberate that some people find it annoying.

@2girls3dogs - when you say 'timings are chilled' for casual meet-ups with friends, do you mean you say you will be there at 10am, for example, but probably won't get there on time, or do you mean you say you'll meet up with your friends 'between 10 and 10.30am, and you arrive sometime before 10.30?

The former would be rude, in my opinion, but the latter would be OK.

I think it is down to communication. If you want or need to be flexible with timings, when you meet up with friends, then don't say "I will meet you AT 10am", say, instead, "I'll meet you between 10 and 10.30am" - that way the people you are meeting know you won't necessarily be there on the dot of ten, and you can be that bit more flexible about your timings - and no-one should have reason to get upset.

If you were brought up having to rely on public transport, rather than using a car, being early or on time comes naturally and as a necessity!

@hillarious I grew up in a city and didn't drive until my early thirties. This had no bearing on my (lack of) punctuality!

I'm getting a bit worried about the future blood pressure readings for some mumsnetters on here.

The fact that you can manage to arrive on time for "important things" but consider being late for meeting up with friends as ok says it all.

You ar not delicate flower by any chance talked about on another post...has to have everyone dancing to your tune.. LOL no seriously it is actually rude to be late when you really are capable of being on time.

"how can people who aren't prepared to be flexible for a friend actually have any friends left?"

But its never you being flexible here, is it? If every time you arrived somewhere at your standard 10 minutes late to find the friend you were meeting was later than you so it was always you left waiting around for them, I think your view might change.

I had a friend who would always be late, sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes half an hour or more. One day I decided to just go shopping nearby instead. When she arrived, I got a surprised call from her - why wasnt I there? I could have saved a table! And that confirmed it for me that she liked the fact that I was doing all the tedious meeting-up prep for her, she got to arrive whenever, order straightaway and sit at the table I'd saved - I was her coffee morning PA.

@Mumoftu but I'm not deliberately late. I explained I do not set out to turn up late, it's just what happens because I am a bit disorganised. If my CM turned up at 8.10 every single day without explanation I would be annoyed because she was the one who decided on the 7.45 pick up. If I was forewarned it wouldn't be a problem. I never fail to tell friends if I am running late and I avoid meeting up with friends who get stressed about timekeeping so it's all good.

I'm consistently late for work but I never promised to arrive on time every day in the first place. I have things to do in the morning so I arrive late. It makes NO difference to my company's bottom line, believe me.

but I'm not deliberately late. I explained I do not set out to turn up late, it's just what happens because I am a bit disorganised.

What a shit excuse, become more organised then!

If your work is flexible about start time you're not late. If you arrange to meet someone at about 12 but turn up at 5 past you're not late. If you arrange to meet at definite times then turn up persistently 5-10 minutes late then you need to leave 5-10 minutes earlier if you want to be on time. It's not hard to understand.
I'm not sure why people who like to be punctual are being accused of overreacting about waiting when the precise reason people are deliberately late is because of an aversion to waiting around!

I don't care a damn about 5 or 10 minutes. But if someone is consisently late by say 20 minutes or more because they would rather you wait around than have to wait around themselves, that is when it really annoys. The one person I know that does this could not stand to be waiting for anyone ever. So she is always late so she doesn't have to be.

I just think that good manners is thinking of other people's comfort and well being before your own which includes striving to ensure you don't leave them waiting for you. The most graceful and courteous people I know would be mortified to inconvenience anyone.

I also cannot comprehend that if it is 'just' your friends you can muck them about. My friends are precious to me and so is their time.