What's a few minutes between friends

[NottheWhiteRabbit]

I'm interested in people's view points on punctuality.

I'm generally on time for important things like work, interviews, and time critical activities like going to cinema or theatre etc.

But... for things like meeting a friend for coffee, soft play, walks etc, I would assume the meeting time as an approximate! I'm usually no later than about 10 mins. Is this very bad? I genuinely always aim to be on time but fate always conspire against me and I end up late for various reasons. But it could be because I'm more relaxed about the timing as it's only a leisure/ fun thing. Most of my friends are the same and we end up there about the same time anyway. If i'm the one on time, I'm also personally happy to go in on my own and get started on whatever we are doing or could wait at entrance or in the car. It becomes a problem when I meet a couple of friends who are obviously much more organised but are adamant to wait at the entrance of things, sometimes they're even early so they feel like they've waited a very long time! They do get a bit huffy. But I always text when I'm late, so in fact I'm 5/ 10 mins late but they've waited 20mins let's say, AIBU to think they don't get to be too pissed off?

I am late a lot. I have ADHD. It's much better now with meds. There was never any idea of "my time is more important than yours", that gets trotted out on every thread like this and it's bollocks. There isn't room in my head to think about whose time is "most important" and there's very little i could do about lateness until I was medicated.

You're ready to leave the house when little 1 does a big poo or has a tantrum.
But if you allow an extra 15 minutes, you've got time to deal with that big poo AND STILL BE ON TIME. If they do the big poo after you've left, then do what you'd normally do, and you'll STILL BE ON TIME

I am just like you and so are most of my friends so I think YANBU.

Ovararies - I have a friend with ADHD who's always late. I definitely think that, whatever the ADHD does, he does also think his time is more important. It's why the 'give him a fake earlier time' doesn't work. If he arrives once before me, he'll leave again to do something and he'll be even later next time. Some people will just not wait for others.

Wow! This thread is an eye opener! I honestly expected everyone to say, of course yanbu, we're talking about friends here, not a job interview. OP I'm exactly the same as you. Always on time for things that are time critical, e.g. Work, theatre, cinema etc, but more relaxed, and that is exactly the right word, when it's a casual meeting with friends, a walk, soft play etc. Luckily my friends are exactly the same and none of us would even text for 5-10 mins, on the basis that we're all grown ups who can entertain ourselves for 5 mins. By relaxed I also don't mean always late, I mean there or thereabouts, sometimes I'm 10 mins early, a friend is 10 mins late, so what! None of us would expect the other(s) to be pacing, we'd all just head in and get on with it. This is leisure time so why make it stressful. Given absolutely all my friends are like this I'm really surprised at the stressy viewpoints here. One of my friends is always properly late, usually 30 mins or so, we find it funny, we just don't hang around at the door waiting, she just joins in when she gets there. OP YADNBU

I think I am getting a bit better in my old age, and thinking back to the last few outings I have been first to arrive (although it could be my friends just leave later as they know I will be late!)

DH has a friend who is always soooooo frigging late it's ridiculous. One time recently he was supposed to be coming round, and about half an hour after the agreed time he texted to say he was just going to pop into his Nans house first and would come after that. Dh rang him and said don't bother as we are not waiting in all day long. This guy is so flaky and often cancels stuff last minute as well, but him and DH are literally lifelong friends so he just puts up with it.

YANBU, I cant bear it with people who feel the need to be there on the dot and get annoyed if you are 1 second late. Don't get this national obsession. I have worked abroad and it's very different there, very relaxed and the courteous thing is to NEVER turn up on time, even if its a wedding or important event as the hosts are always late themselves.

So for this I will always turn up 5-10 mins late wherever I go apart from the important stuff you mention, job etc). People getting annoyed about someone being 5/10 mins late to me is ridiculous.

Yes I have to say, in my friendship group no one stands there waiting and seething if someone is late (eg. At soft play, people will just go in and then the next person will just join). Obviously if it's dinner booked at a.certain time or.cinema then people tend not to be late anyway, but otherwise most people.are fairly chilled.about exact arrival times.

Don't get this national obsession.

Yes, it does seem to be a very British thing to be exactly on time for any social event.

Very punctual people: do you always turn up exactly on time to (adults) parties? Like if the invite said 7:30 would you be there at exactly that time?

There's nothing more frustrating and stress inducing than waiting for someone who has no VALID reason to be late. I'm blind, so rely entirely on public transport, taxis or lifts. Unless, say, a train is running late, I'm ALWAYS there on time. And if I'm unavoidably delayed I text/call whoever I'm meeting. I have good manners and respect for anyone offering to share their precious time with me!

I love the "factor in more time" comments aimed at poor time-keepers. Brilliant! Do you also go over to the weight-loss threads and say "eat less calories"? Simples huh? Problem solved!

I work in HR and have seen many talented and creative people held back by tardiness, mainly due to line managers having the myopic attitude held by the majority here.

"Bwah ha ha, I am just so very important that today I will piss everyone off and ruin my own day by deliberately being late!" Said nobody anywhere ever!

Do you think poor timekeeping is due to malignant external forces then, Sleep? Something some people desperately battle against, but are sadly doomed to failure by a uncontrollable dominant power?
I wonder how the rest of us cracked it...

5-10 mins not an issue. 10-30 mins you should get in touch. 30 mins + reschedule unless it won't affect what you are doing significantly. What annoys me is people who want to make plans like 'we'll come round some time after 2 pm' and then turn up at 5! Not only have you waited in for 3 hours, they now come round at tea time and probably expect you to feed them and their kids!

Very punctual people: do you always turn up exactly on time to (adults) parties? Like if the invite said 7:30 would you be there at exactly that time?

No. It all depends on what sort of party. If it were 7.30 for 8pm for a dinner party, I would arrive about 10 to 8. If it were just a fun party with lots of people and the invite said 7.30 (although invites for parties don't really do that) I would be going about 8pm so as not to be first there!

I'm sure no one is deliberately late or are they but I can honestly say I am rarely late, because I don't like it, I factor in plenty of time to get there, I plan in advance, I arrive on time! How on earth do continual late people get DCs to school on time...
So people who are habitually late for absolutely everything need to learn some new techniques. A friend at primary school was always late bringing her kids. "I hate mornings, I hate getting up early, I fall asleep after the alarm has gone".
We all hate mornings! Put on two alarms! Get a friend to ring you every morning!

I sympathise greatly with those who suffer from conditions that make it extremely difficult to be on time.
However, the can't be arsed to organise themselves and using excuses like I hate mornings is pretty pathetic.

I had a friend who was ridiculously late. And she didn't lie about it either, one excuse was 'I had a very lovely hot bath'. She's incapable of realising the effects of it, there we'd be gritting our teeth...
Yep it's selfish alright.

If I am supposed to meet someone, I will be there on time, and make sure that I leave enough time for the journey. If other people get there on time and are hanging about waiting, they have every right to get annoyed. An ex-friend of mine, was always late, as she couldn't be arsed to get herself together enough to be on time, the last time we met up, she was 20 minutes late, I told her she was disrespectful and I wasn't going to hang around like a spare part any more, she was upset but I'd had enough. Being punctual, is really important to me.

Just spent a week away with an adult who has the attitude "they can wait for us" as in a whole tour group, because she can't be bothered to be ready on time. I found it utterly stressful as I like to be on time or slightly early and the idea of making people wait makes me uneasy.
I can understand sometimes with little ones it is harder to be on time (like when it's poo time just as you are about to leave) but it shouldn't be the norm to be late.

Sorry, I don't buy the "it's my anxiety" excuses for lateness from PPs. What about your friends, who may feel equally anxious waiting for you, wondering if you're going to turn up?

Out of six of us in my antenatal group, we had one stickler to the "if we said 10, we should meet at 10!" rule. One of the first things she said was that she can't abide people who are late. She quickly fell by the wayside and the five of us, many years on, are still great friends. Now the kids are older we are usually on time but if not it's really not a big deal.

Do you also go over to the weight-loss threads and say "eat less calories"? Simples huh? Problem solved! - sleep yes, they do.

Very punctual people: do you always turn up exactly on time to (adults) parties? Like if the invite said 7:30 would you be there at exactly that time?
Errr - yes

I wonder how the rest of us cracked it...

So if you have anxiety that, say, makes you frightened to leave the house, or makes you feel sick with fear when you have to force yourself to go to work - then you are a big fat liar? What other manifestations of anxiety do you not believe then flogging? Do you have a list?

I don't buy the "it's my anxiety" excuses for lateness from PPs. What about your friends - so Shiny do everyone's friends have anxiety too? Does everyone who is on time have an actual anxiety disorder they are battling with, and they're all doing a better job of it than me?

Which of the posters has done that then Staples? Perhaps you could link to where specific posters from this thread have posted that on weight loss threads?

@FloggingMolly

In answer to your question..."Do you think poor timekeeping is due to malignant external forces then, Sleep? Something some people desperately battle against, but are sadly doomed to failure by a uncontrollable dominant power?
I wonder how the rest of us cracked it..."

No, I don't believe in omnipotent forces of any type (though I find it an interesting subject). What I have observed through my profession is that time management comes easier to some than others. For most, myself included, it is an inherent ability, for some it's nigh impossible. If the answer was as simple as "leave ten minutes earlier" then this thread wouldn't exist, however, the habitually late clearly have a block that those with strong time management skills don't suffer. And I mean suffer. To those I have mentored (and sat with in disaplinaries) it is a blight.

Incidentally, I find the opposite to be true regarding the "self important" comments. On the contrary, the habitually late would dearly love to change and their inability to do so and the constant negativity surrounding their lateness leads to feelings of failure and low self-esteem. Impounded particularly because being on time is not a problem for the majority.

Some issues mentioned here already that contribute to poor time management are ADHD and anxiety. Another is Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (commonly known as being an "owl" rather than a "lark").

Some people of course do have anxiety or conditions that affect their ability to timekeep.

I don't think we are talking about those that struggle.

Not everyone does though. There are people out there who are just late!