How do working mums do it?

[magicat]

I've been at home with our 4 DC for 12 years. Now that they're all in school a couple of people have asked me, "What do you do all day?" and "Are you returning to work now then?"

I'm not against the idea of returning to work, (even though DH tells me not to bother), but I doubt I'd get a job that fits within school hours. DH doesn't get in until 7.30 / 8pm and often travels as well. When I try and think through the logistics of it all, I wonder how it would actually work because -

• We have no family support around
• Somebody would need to collect the younger DC at 3.15
• Who would get the kids to school?
• I would need to take days off for sickness (with 4 DC they can tend to get things one after the next)
• What about school holidays?
• They would need to drop after school clubs probably as it might be too much for a childminder to facilitate
• When would I do food shopping and dinner would be a rush
• I'm not sure I could keep on top of the house, even with a cleaner
• When would I fit all the other "stuff" in because I find I'm running round most days as it is
• Would the childminder be able to facilitate / check homework because with 4 DC this is a lot? Not to mention music practice and this kind of thing.

If anyone else is in my position i.e. no family support, a fair few DC and a DH with very minimal input into the day-to-day running of things, could I please ask how you made returning to work "work" and are you permanently exhausted and overwhelmed?

Sorry meant nanny - not nappy!

I would definitely be looking at how to get back to work. Your children are not with you forever and you will be so glad you kept your skills in the job market. I am at the other end. DC are 10,13 and 16. We had no support and always both worked even if I was just working 2 mornings a week after DC3 was 2. Slowly increased hours and only in the last two years gone FT. I have some friends that chose be a SAHM and they never gained the confidence to enter the workplace again and their world became so small (i.e. really upset if husband left a plate unwashed) and felt they had to ask permission to buy something. No thanks! The added bonus is no matter how much the husband says it's fine I don't think the husbands treat their SAH wife with the respect they deserve 10 years down the line when they are exhausted from working long hours to single handedly support the family. Especially when uni fees are on the horizon.

I work full time in a pretty inflexible job (which I love) & my DH although self employed works in a physically demanding job with long hours.

I'm not going to lie it's far from easy & childcare is v v v expensive for 2 DDs (4 & 18 months) but the key as others have said is good childcare. We're very lucky with our CM, she's pretty much an extension of our family & she often attends the nursery events of DD1 with DD2 & any other wee ones she has on the day.

Thankfully they're not sickly children, although DD2 has some health issues so I've rarely had to take time off.

Our house is always a mess & meals are sometimes convenience but the kids are happy & I think it's important to show them that having a career is a good thing. My mum & her Mum before her both had professional jobs which the kept on despite having families.

I am self employed and work from home- I have done since my kids were school age.

My hours are flexible and I can earn a lot with few hours,

I have a 21mo DD and work four days a week. It is hard but having a supportive partner helps immensely: DH and I alternate getting DD up and giving her breakfast, and both do food shopping as and when we need it. I can also strongly recommend getting a cleaner even if it's not every few days - ours comes once a fortnight just to help us keep on top of the kitchen and bathroom. I have a Pinterest board for quick meals and will buy ingredients during my lunch hour at work so I can just go straight home via nursery and start cooking.

I do feel like I'm constantly juggling multiple balls (and dropping them a lot of the time), but I wouldn't be without my job - it keeps me sane!

cloudspotter you sound like you are having a very hard time, and are being very, very hard on yourself. I am sure your kids are not neglected! How old are they, if I may ask?

Do you think you might be burned out/depressed? I know I have been through difficult times like these where it felt life was utter shit and i was failing my kids etc. Sometimes the sheer exhaustion of trying to keep the show on the road becomes too much. Would it be worth having a chat to your gp?

OP if you can manage without going back to work, I'd stay off! I've just finished an 11 month maternity leave, and the children, the husband and the house were a full time job.

Now it's a massive rush every morning and evening and it's not pleasant and I only work school hours ( but I have a commute as well,) it doesn't feel like much of a life compared to the 11 months that preceded.

Plus my DH does not do much and if your DH is the same you may feel hard done to doing a job in the workplace and having to do everything you did before - I sometimes congratulate myself.on getting through the day without murdering my DH!

With 4dcs i would say a nanny is your only option.

The job market has changed a lot in the time you have been off and ex-sahm I know found it very difficult to get a job after their career breaks, you'll probably not be able to command anything like the salary you may have been used to, and childcare for 4 dcs will be huge!

That said if you do want a challenge , why not look to do a part time, school hour, term time job.

If you don't need the money you can afford to plan and wait until you find something that fits in with your life. There are such jobs out there.

Re time off, I'm sure most employers are okay, but many would be unhappy if you took 1 week after another with 4dcs getting ill in succession - but a nanny could cover some illnesses - do your research to see if it's a family friendly employer.

I think you'd be mad to go from sahm to full time, if its not out of necessity! Good luck in any event!

Did you never think about how you would be able to go back to work before you had 4 kids 😕

I wouldn't want to work full time with school age kids- too complicated.
Kids get sick, always stuff going on.
I work 15 hours a , suits us a family fine, I can't see me ever going back full time.

DH and I both work FT and we have 3 DCs (12, 9,6). DH's job is pretty high stress. He is out of the house from 7-7 every day and sometimes has to travel. I do all the "wifework" of organising the kids lives, all the laundry & all the cooking during the week.

However what makes it workable is that my job is fairly flexible and my boss is very supportive. I work school hours in the office and do the rest from home in the evenings and weekends which means that the children don't have to go to any childcare. I can work from home if the children are ill and usually manage to get to their sports days or plays. But I think I only really get such flexibility because they know me and know that I put the work in. I know it would be near impossible to get this kind of arrangement in a new job.

I don't love my job - I like it OK but really I do it for the money. Ideally I'd prefer to work part time and do something more enjoyable locally - e.g. I'd love to work mornings in our local preschool.

If I were you, I'd be thinking about doing something you enjoy, something not too stressful and definitely something part time! Being self employed might be the way to go.

I'm a single mum to 2 teenagers, work full time, volunteer 2 nights a week and some weekends, doing professional exams just now and have a boyfriend to see as well, frazzled doesn't come close lol

My parents passed away many years ago and the children have never had the luxury of doting grandparents to help out or visit in the school holidays, and we have never had any other family to help out either. It does make a massive difference and people seem to take it for granted. Our youngest child has a health condition so is ill very often and in and out of hospital a lot. Add 16 weeks school holiday on top and even a 2 day week part time job became impossible. It is annoying when people assume that every family set-up can thrive with two working parents. Every family is different, and I'm sure we all do what is best

Single mum. Part time. No help. Any more than part time would send me insane. Manage somehow to keep my head above the water and smile through all the demands because I have to and the kids are my priority. I don't know how others do it. Thank goodness for vino and Sky for the odd hour to myself 😊. Hoping the kids will look back on their childhood and remember that I was always somehow there for them. I feel lucky.

You just do. I've been single since DD was 4. She was in nursery at sixth months. I don't drive. Be grateful for the 12 year break.

I have always worked and admittedly only have 1 child ( now early twenties) but used to stop him off at Nursery before school time. They used to take him and others to their schools and also pick them up and I would pick him up just after 5 on way home from work.Obviously all at a cost of course, but we just had to try and adapt at that time. School holidays, the Nursery was open and they had a club for him, so he carried on going there and I could work. I think lots of nurseries have this facility nowadays? Of course it does take a chunk out of your salary. I used to fit in housework at weekends and hubby often did the shopping. We always shared cooking etc.

I can understand it is daunting thinking about going back to work when you have always been there to do drop offs and pick ups and extra curricular stuff. I've always gone back to work straight after mat leave so to me being at home sounds harder! However now my eldest is in reception and my youngest starts a school nursery in September and I am also pregnant with my third logistically it is getting harder and harder. It's not like when they are little and you can just drop them off in a private day nursery 8am to 6pm. Until September we use a before and after school club for our eldest and they do drop off and pick ups. She does swimming at 6.30 on a Friday so DH can be back from work to take her. Youngest is just in a nursery 8am to 6pm. From September we are having to move to a childminder as the before and after school club won't take our youngest until she is 4. She will do the wrap around care for both of them so they are in the same place which will make life a little easier (currently have two drop off an pick ups either side of town before starting the commute to work). By the time I go back to work after having this baby, they will be in a separate nursery so we will be back to two drop off and pick ups.

I think when you work you don't keep your children off school unless they are really ill. Thankfully that doesn't happen very often with two but throwing a third into the mix will increase that probability.

School holidays are challenging. My eldest goes to a holiday club but that is not open for all of the holidays. I take time off work and get grandparents to help out but we would struggle if we didn't have that help.

It's hard! But I don't think being a stay at home mum is any easier! Unless you really want to or need to, don't feel pressurised into going back to work because by the time you factor in all the wrap around care and holiday club care it's often not financially worth it and you are right, very few jobs exist where you work 9.30 to 2.30 term time only!!

Crikey. DH and I work full-time, we don't have family to help, a cleaner or a childminder, the house isn't always tidy but it's clean, and we're both sat down at 8pm with a glass of wine....I can't even imagine what I'd find to do all day if I wasn't working (once children are school age I mean).

How old are your children, McSmith? If you're down by 8pm with a glass of wine, your DC must be quite young? And how many do you have?

I don't sit down until nearly 10pm and mine are 8 and 13. Any home admin or school admin either gets done in the evening when they're not taking lumps out of one another or, usually, when I'm on a late shift or have a day off.

Once they're at school, it's a lot more work. When they're at nursery, really, you just have to get them there and pick them up (and it's a longer day). They feed them and everything. You just have to get them to bed and take care of your own stuff in the evenings. I actually found it was a lot less work when they were tiny because they slept more.

I think it can be harder once kids start school.

My son never had higher than 80% attendance due to illness, DD has always had a jam packed after school activity timetable, needing picked up at 3.30, fed and taken to another town.

I wouldn't have been able to fit that around working for an employer.

I make craft items in a niche market and sell online, supply shops etc. I work 15 hours a week. Earns me more than my OH who works 60 hours a week.

I have 3 and have used childminders in the past and juggled holidays with DH to cover school holidays.

However I have recently managed to get a job within a primary school which is fantastic as apart from really enjoying the job. I am able to do the school drop off and pick up and I have school holidays. The pay isn't the best but balances out because I don't need any paid childcare now.