How do working mums do it?

[magicat]

I've been at home with our 4 DC for 12 years. Now that they're all in school a couple of people have asked me, "What do you do all day?" and "Are you returning to work now then?"

I'm not against the idea of returning to work, (even though DH tells me not to bother), but I doubt I'd get a job that fits within school hours. DH doesn't get in until 7.30 / 8pm and often travels as well. When I try and think through the logistics of it all, I wonder how it would actually work because -

• We have no family support around
• Somebody would need to collect the younger DC at 3.15
• Who would get the kids to school?
• I would need to take days off for sickness (with 4 DC they can tend to get things one after the next)
• What about school holidays?
• They would need to drop after school clubs probably as it might be too much for a childminder to facilitate
• When would I do food shopping and dinner would be a rush
• I'm not sure I could keep on top of the house, even with a cleaner
• When would I fit all the other "stuff" in because I find I'm running round most days as it is
• Would the childminder be able to facilitate / check homework because with 4 DC this is a lot? Not to mention music practice and this kind of thing.

If anyone else is in my position i.e. no family support, a fair few DC and a DH with very minimal input into the day-to-day running of things, could I please ask how you made returning to work "work" and are you permanently exhausted and overwhelmed?

As Splendide says, pretty much the same way as working dads do by sharing the responsibilities with my partner. 50/50 on drop offs and pick ups, cooking. I meal plan and shop online. Totally manageable.

We suck it up and get on with it.

There is no reason for a school to hold two parent events a week. DH and I have always worked full time and would have raised such frequent events with the school head. Working parents cannot easily rearrange diaries to attend and should never be made to feel guilty.

Well, if your DH is happy for you to stay at home and, more importantly, you are, too, just carry on as you are.

It's still a juggling act when they are at primary and even beyond - and you do have 4 so a lot of expense for after school stuff and a lot to go wrong, too. Most people I know who do work tend to do flexible-ish part time work. There are that many full timers so don't feel guilty.

I have done it for over 10 years as a single parent with zero help from my ex.

Although he did not help his mum has always pitched in and helped for holidays and sick days. She has been a lifeline.

I worked 75% over the month for 10 years and was lucky that my kids school had after school and holiday daycare.

I also kept my cleaning lady. She is my luxury. Shoes and handbags forget it .... My money goes on her.

Also I food shop early on a Sunday morning and meal plan for the whole week. We tend to have a roast on Sunday and leftovers on a Monday (when they play sport until 7pm). Then Tuesdays I cook again for 2 days - and we eat the leftovers on Wednesday (sport night again). Thursday I have more time to cook and Friday we often eat out. Saturday and Sunday there is time to enjoy cooking a big meal.

As we are out all day the House stays pretty clean.

I try to get up early and do 30 mins of general chores before waking the kids. Washing / ironing/ bins/ quick wash up of any big items etc.

It is about finding what works for you. And having to let some things go.

Thankyou again for all the honesty - sorry just catching up.
I've discussed it with DH. He says why take on more stress at my age He is 8 years older than me! He thinks I should do something that would be healthy for me at the same time - e.g. I could teach ballet or yoga. It's a possibility. At least it would be flexible and local. But also thinking about other more "challenging" options and trying to work out if I'm still up to it.
We don't have things like breakfast clubs at the schools mine are at and I can't rely on DH to be here on particular days. So I think part-time will be the way to go - to begin with anyway.,
Thanks so much again!

He thinks I should ...

But what do YOU think you should do? I would hate my husband telling me I should only have a little job that accorded with his notion of what a wife and mother should be!

I do know what you mean Lulu. It's a tricky one because, without meaning to sound crass, we're fortunate that I wouldn't be doing it for the money. So it's difficult to justify the impact on the family.

"healthy" for you?
What does that mean?

He's basically telling you to get a little hobby job! Have you seen the movie Cemetry Juntion? Reminds me of the conversation between the men in the bar at the dinner dance (anyone?)

Ballet teacher etc is a proper job if it's your passion and you run it as a proper business… doesn't sound like what he's suggestiong though

I do know what you mean Lulu. It's a tricky one because, without meaning to sound crass, we're fortunate that I wouldn't be doing it for the money.

Yes you would

You'ld be doing it for your savings, your retirement, your independence. Which isn't something all SAHMs "need", but given your updates, I think you do need your own money!

Hmm. To be fair to him, I never felt like I didn't have my own money because it's in joint accounts. I never had to ask him for anything.
He just says, be your own boss. I used to do ballet for years and sometimes help out at the classes DD goes to, so could get more involved. Plus there is something called "barre" classes that incorporate it into a wider fitness programme and he was saying why not train up and start your own mini business with that and /or yoga thrown in .

No I didn't see that movie.- Cemetery sounds a bit ominous though.

We have 4 fab DC. I work full time in senior leadership in a secondary school. My husband has a far better job than me in IT. We're lucky to be high earners.

My husband works flexibly, so he starts at 9.15am after dropping the DC off at 3 schools. We pay for after school care and my DH collects them at 6pm. I try to coordinate so we're all home for 6.25pm. We then have family time - children's tea- baths- homework/story - bed.

We have our tea at about 9.30pm, though sit with the children & chat about their day when they eat. (We eat together later as we'd never get chance to chat otherwise). After tea I do a couple of hours work (sometimes in front of the TV ). Then we go to bed around midnight after watching something together. Up at 5.45am to start all over again.

I do love my life most of the time and realise how lucky we are. It is exhausting! I feel guilty most of the time- but weekends are as much family time as we can do.

It is really hard - but totally our choice 😀 Our children are wonderful and make our lives! The shortest maternity leave I had was 10 weeks and the longest 4 months. I know many would be very dissatisfied with this but we've made it work and I think/hope our DC are happy, they are certainly cherished. They are 15,12,10 &7 and we love them to bits. I guess working together is the key - but it's hard - however you do it

Sounds like your DH is ok with you having a little job so long as it doesn't impact him and he doesn't have to take any responsibility for the home or his DC's. How does he manage when you're not there?

DH is in the Royal Navy, so away a lot. We have 3 dc. When dc3 was 3 yo I started my own full time business (I'm a vet, so no working from home ) The surgery is close to the kids school, so any issues they can come to the surgery. We have a big downstairs where they come in school holidays (now they are a bit older, all they need is Wi-Fi to keep them happy). I am also very lucky to be next door to my dad, who they come home to after school on the bus. He makes dinner for them 3 times a week (I now finish a bit earlier the other couple of days) Its been tough at times, but they understand that my work matters to me. DHs work schedules are non-negotiable and I often work extra hours too. Thank God for my dad!

Your DH'a attitude sounds patronising. "At your age"!

He clearly only wants you to consider work that would mean you would continue doing what you are doing now, with no changes required for him.

You have access to family money now, but should you split up would you have any financial assets, a pension etc? If not setting one up - and DH paying for it - should be a priority IMO.

I have x4 DC 8-12yrs. I work from home and fit it around school hours mostly. Holidays are a struggle but I've got used to getting up early and doing 2-3 hours before the day has kicked in. It's not ideal. I do it for (pretty rubbish) money and for my own self esteem. If you don't need to work and don't want to then don't. Four children is a full time job.

I'm concerned when you say you might teach ballet. When you say you "used to do ballet for years", do you mean you were a professional dancer, or do you mean you've taken classes? Unless you were a professional ballet dancer - and often even then - you'll really need a teaching qualification in the UK. You're right, ballet barre for adults is popular, but I only know of ones taught by ex-professional ballet dancers.

It is bloody difficult!

I have worked since DD was 6 months old - a year FT+ and the rest 3 days a week. Have just ditched my job and about to be self employed consultant.

I think you have to accept that if both parents work FT, then some elements of home life suffer - whether that be cleaning, sick kids having to go to grand parents (which not everybody has on the doorstep), no time for hobbies or friends, quality time with your OH, etc.

On the other hand, if one of you chooses to be SAH, then you have to accept the disadvantages of that, i.e. financial vulnerability, isolation, sometimes boredom, no money for hobbies (like my expensive ones anyway!), etc.

I do think it's a matter of looking at your circumstances and agreeing with your OH what works for all of you. In your case, if you were to work, then your DH would probably have to do more at home. Does he want to do that? Do you want him to do that?

In prep for DD going to school next year, I am about to go self employed. My job has crap holidays and although my employers are very good at giving me time off for sick kiddo, in service days etc, atm I can't go to all the school events (once a week atm, which is quite enough, never mind twice), and the job is just not well suited to being done PT. It's not going to change anytime soon, and going s/e suits me well for reasons other than childcare - although it will be a massive help in that regard.

Do you fancy being s/e? Is there anything you could do in that line which could bring in some dosh, give you some independence etc, but still allow you to be there for school holidays? I know lots of folk on MN say just use holiday clubs etc, but certainly where I am geographically, there are VERY few child minders, and ever fewer after school clubs, holiday clubs etc.

Tbh, I think that with 4 DC being a SAHP is still FT or thereabouts - even if they are all at school. If you have 1, and they go to school, I understand that maybe you might legitimately have some spare time you could use to work - if you could get past the holiday 'problem'. I can only imagine the volumes of shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

If you don't have to financially, and you don't particularly want to, then there is no pressing need to get a job.

Obvs, if you have to for financial or other reasons, then it's a different matter and yes, you could totally work it out. But yes you would be permanently exhausted. I also feel like I am letting EVERYBODY down. My DD at home, and my clients and colleagues at work.

Human beings are not robots.

I have 4dc and I work full time 7.45 am till 4.15 pm Mon to Fri. Dp works full time nights 5 night's a week. Dc are all in school youngest is 7 and we use after school clubs and hol clubs. Dp is there in the day Mon to wed and does school drop off and I pick them up from after school club. We don't have a cleaner or nanny or any family help whatsoever. We manage. It's shit because I'm knackered but if i didn't work we'd not survive financially

The problem is that your DH is totally unwilling to pull his weight around the house in order for you to do paid work outside the home isn't it?

Working outside the home is easier than being a sahm if your DH remembers that you are just as entitled to work outside the home as he is, and acts on this by doing a proportional share of the domestic load (childcare, child taxiing, laundry, cleaning, shopping, cooking, general organisation).

Having 25% of the domestic load lifted and working 20 hours a week is easier than being the only one responsible for every last thing at home when you have multiple children.

However your DH wants you to carry 100% of the domestic load, making it hard for you to work. You do need to see this about him and decide whether you want to tackle him about it or not.

Don't think most working parents would have 4 due to logistical reasons. I work 4 days DH works 5 and stays away maybe 3yimes a month. Use wrap around care 3 days a week, holidays take annual leave, switch with other parents, use holiday clubs. Basically buy help in. Clean and do jobs like shopping on day off. Illness work from home (thank god chicken pox happened over Christmas). Prioritise. But with 4 kids I prob wouldn't go back unless you could get a nanny or au pair (seems a way forward for people with several kids at our school).

I have a job from 9:30-2:30 but realise these jobs are hard to come by. I get groceries delivered and my house is tidyish but not perfect. Only have 2 DC though!

Wow, I'm glad I'm not married to your husband, OP. He sounds so patronisingly.... 'perhaps you could get a little hobby job, that will keep you active at your age'!!!

You say you're 'lucky' that you don't need to work for money.... hmm, not sure it's lucky that you don't have the confidence you can manage a serious job which would secure you in the long term as well as the here and now.

Ultimately if you were to work, you'd manage like millions of others do. You'd get sharper at managing your time, you'd pay for childcare, and perhaps outsource cleaning, and probably cut some corners too- ironing was the first thing to go when I first returned to work!

But it sounds like your biggest issue is being married to someone who has such an outdated and patronising view of you

And I have summer hols off. The other hols I take annual leave and DH takes some days off too.