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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
SisterhoodisPowerful · 25/05/2017 15:13

This is domestic violence. He knows perfectly well what he's doing. You need to get out safely with your bairn because no one should live like this.

SummerMummy88 · 25/05/2017 15:22

Do people really live like this? Who gets themselves in these sorts of situations in the first place? Why did you have a baby with this man? Sort it out and leave, who wants their child around that sort of language and behaviour.

DawnOfTheMombie · 25/05/2017 15:24

My friend was with someone like this and had two children with him before leaving. There were no carpets in their tiny flat and next to no furniture. It was horrific. I reported to SS numerous times and absolutely nothing was done. Horrendous.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 25/05/2017 15:26

Oh good another thread where an abused woman looks for advice and is further abused by women who can't understand what it's like to be in an abusive relationship and that it's not a choice. Fuck me.

OP, you and your wee one deserve better. Call women's aid and ask for some advice, Google the Freedom programme which helps women escape abuse and stay free.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 25/05/2017 15:27

His attitude aside from what I've read everything has to be your way or no way so I can see why he gets fucked off. Smoking weed isn't the issue plenty of people do and it is fine that needs to be left out of it.

Just because some posters either won't smoke or won't be with someone who does doesn't make it wrong that he does smoke.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 25/05/2017 15:29

It doesn't need to be left out of it if he's spending all his money on weed and not providing for his family!

Maudlinmaud · 25/05/2017 15:32

What a twat. Please leave this vile specimen.

DawnOfTheMombie · 25/05/2017 15:34

Pain Hmm I think SS and the police would disagree with you there.

HorridHenryrule · 25/05/2017 15:36

Weed is the issue don't post fart and the people I knew who smoke it are arse holes. Weed is bad for your MH or haven't you heard that or is that rubbish.

Her only problem is her choice in men he sounds like a knob head. She obviously knows it's wrong or she wouldn't have posted. The op has to find the strength to get herself out of it.

ToastyFingers · 25/05/2017 15:37

The amount of hate speech quoted in your OP is unreal.
'Flid'!? 'Faggot'!? I'm cringing just typing that, and you can stand to be seen with someone like that?

Leave love, because you deserve better, your little one needs good role models and it won't be long before you're tarred by association with his hate-mongering brush.

FemelleReynard · 25/05/2017 15:41

You can also have my first LTB!

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 15:41

We started the relationship when I was very... unstable emotionally, I was lacking in any confidence and going through a lot with my mental health, and he was there through that.

I became pregnant because I forgot to take my pill everyday. Now on the implant, better late than never.

I've actually left him twice. The first time because he was refusing to smoke outside while I was pregnant! I got back with him after he promised to smoke outside. Lots of crying down the phone to me and his mother getting involved. Social services became involved because I had to ring the police to get him removed that time as he refused to leave the property. Social basically said 'Well all your bills are still getting paid, and it's not like he's a junkie etc, so as long as he smokes outside and it's not around your baby...' whereas part of me was hoping they would insist I left him because of his habit... Unfortunately they almost made me feel like I was being unreasonable: 'Asking him to quit after they've smoked it everyday since teen years is going to be extremely difficult for him'. They gave him a leaflet for 'voluntary' drug counselling and then left us alone again. I was amazed tbh.

Building work at our old studio so we've moved now. I initially moved without him, just me and DD (10 months att, 16 months now), I spoke to a few confidential helplines... I caved again and let him come back. I made him homeless, he had nowhere to live. He made me feel so guilty. 'How do you think our daughter will feel about you when she's older and she finds out her mum made her daddy homeless and with nothing'.

When he's nice he can be thoughtful and caring, and make me laugh. He thinks of me when he's out and buys me things I've related to stuff I like, which makes me think he must care.

His relationship with DD is amazing though... He's so good with her. She is a daddy's girl so the whole thing breaks my heart.

OP posts:
ToastDemon · 25/05/2017 15:44

Pain raise your standards in life.

CoolCarrie · 25/05/2017 15:49

It is clear that the weed use has made him an arse, and the weed is clearly more important to him than providing for his family.
LTB with knobs on, he isn't going to change, so stop propping him up and get out.

shivermytimbers · 25/05/2017 15:50

All the good stuff you say about really doesn't counter balance the bad. He's not good with your daughter at all. He's showing her that men should be abusive and setting her up for troubled relationships herself.
If you kick him out and he's homeless, he has absolutely no one to blame but himself. Your daughter will not grow up blaming you but will be very thankful of the loving, stable home you'll be able to provide when he's gone.
You deserve to be treated well ALL THE TIME not just get occasional scraps of niceness from this cock! Flowers

CrazedZombie · 25/05/2017 15:50

Your dd is seeing and hearing all this. Some people kid themselves that the kids are unaware because they aren't always in the same room when it happens but she'll hear it and detect any atmosphere that inevitably is in your home. You are normalizing this for her. You don't want her to end up in a relationship like yours and stick around as she saw you do it.
If he's a good dad (how can he be if he'd rather buy weed than a fan for the hottest weekend of the year so far?) then he can still be that away from you. I personally think that you need to raise your standards. Your dd deserves better too.

22Names · 25/05/2017 15:50

OP, I know it's hard. When he treats you this way, he's showing your daughter that it's fine for men to treat HER that way when she's older.

He won't be homeless. He has his mum.

Clearly you want to leave him. Tell him to go to his mum's, and that you're happy to sort out custody and maintenance fairly through the courts.

He's a shit sandwich. Yeah he's great sometimes, but if a great sandwich has a bit of shit in it... You wouldn't eat it.

NellieFiveBellies · 25/05/2017 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 15:51

Pain

It has to be my way if he's trying to buy a tower fan for a studio flat with my money, when it will leave us with even less floor space than we already have. DD will have less room to play. He only wantes it because it was more expensive and 'better' and all table-top fans are rubbish, apparently.
Just like if I buy anything own brand/not well known brand, I get called out for buying cheap shit, when all I'm trying to do is save us some money...

If his ideas were sensible, well thought-out practical ideas then perhaps things would be different. But he just sees what he likes and wants it, he doesn't think about price/space/practicality...

It's definitely not all my way anyway, he gets plenty his own way when he chooses to smoke our income away? At least £300 a month.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 25/05/2017 15:52

The chances are that the reason he thinks it is normal is because that is what he was taught as a child. Did his dad abuse his mum by any chance.

Your daughter is now learning all about "normal" so if you don't leave has a decent of chance of finding her own "normal" relationship as an adult. She's a girl so more likely to be the abused than the abuser although it doesn't always follow gender lines.

From memory about 18 months is when kids start becoming really annoying so he'll be able to start swearing at and abusing her in a couple of months.

DawnOfTheMombie · 25/05/2017 15:56

OP I am Angry on your behalf. It is NOT your fault he was homeless. His behaviour caused him to be homeless not you. My ExH is an alcoholic and uses speed on occasion. He said similar to me about out 15MO - booted him out (again - Id done it whilst pregnant but his bloody mother bullied me into having him back when DD was born as he'd said he'd change and now she was fully aware of the situation she'd help - he didn't change and she didn't help) when she was 7 weeks old. Haven't seen him since. Or his family. I know he went back there for a while but his mother gave him the boot after finding drugs in his bedroom.

I know you feel responsible. Because I did. And it took me a while but the only one responsible for his shit lift is him - because he has made and continues to make shit choices in life and abuse the woman who loves him.

mygorgeousmilo · 25/05/2017 15:58

LTB

Vroomster · 25/05/2017 16:00

OP, your DD will follow the same pattern. Unless you show her otherwise.

His good behaviour doesn't outweigh the bad. He'll be nice enough so you stay. That's how it works.

EweAreHere · 25/05/2017 16:03

Leave him again. Third time should be a charm. And don't let him come back this time. Ignore the guilt trips. Ignore the rants. Ignore his mother.

He is a disgusting, abusive excuse of a partner and father, treating the mother of his child in this manner.

If he ends up homeless, not your problem. If his mother has a go, tell her you're glad to hear he'll be moving in with her. Then change all your contact numbers.

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 16:05

Thanks everyone. I've lived with it for nearly 3 years, and we are quite isolated living away from family, I have no friends - I only speak/see them a couple times a year, and even then my OH doesn't like me doing that.

I guess I am just worried sick about social services. He won't leave if I ask him to leave, he will refuse and carry on about his day as normal. Even if I cried and begged him to leave, he wouldn't. I would have to ring the police to have him escorted away like the first time, and then social services will be alerted again and I'm terrified of them.

OP posts: