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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

274 replies

RaincloudReverie · 25/05/2017 13:47

We were in Homebase today looking for a fan. We live in a studio so I specifically stated that we shouldn't get a tower fan - one that goes on the table would be perfect. My OH proceeds to ignore the table-top fans - after I pointed out a couple, he had 'reasons for why they weren't good enough - and pick out a tower fan.

I asked him to think practically about where it would go, said I wasn't happy with it as it would clutter our flat up etc, and pointed out a table-top alternative.

Que him starting to walk to the till with it. Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left, so mostly everything household comes from me. I wasn't about to pay for that fan when we have no floor space as it is! I pointed this out. He put the fan back, saying "well if you're going to be such a dick about it then", and stormed out the shop.

I followed, asking him why he was acting so immaturely, throwing a tantrum because I said no to that particular style of fan? I tried reasoning with him, asking him where he thought that fan would go practically - he just shook his head and gave me the silent treatment.

He was pushing the buggy. I was in the left side near the carpark. He closed the gap between the buggy/him and the pavement, effectively forcing me off the curb into the car park. I tried to step back onto the pavement but he refused to move over. I nudged him, as if to say "hello?!", he didn't react. Didn't even look at me.

In the end I took the keys and walked home, leaving him to do the shopping on his own. I wasn't going to walk around Sainsbury's with my partner being completely blanked, with him speed-walking purposefully so that I struggle to keep up.

This is on top of this morning. He opened the bathroom door to let it ventilate while we went out. Instinctively, I shut it. I didn't even think. A simple 'Leave it open please', would have sufficed, but instead I got 'What the fuck are you doing you stupid fucking prick!' Completely irrational surely?

He overreacts about everything. He leaves his shoes hanging out from under the bed, so I slot then in nicely where they are supposed to go, to keep the room looking tidy. When he goes to get them on, instead of 'Where are my shoes?', I get 'Where the fuck are my shoes?'. Once I tell him where they are (behind a few pairs of other shoes, a little way under the bed), he says 'Well you can fucking get them for me then, creating unnecessary hassle as fucking always.'

I tell him not to swear at me so much, and he tries to justify it by saying 'you shouldn't act like such a fucking flid all your life then.'

Just a few weeks ago we were carrying the buggy down the block stairs, and just as we were leaving our front door I started a convo about this or that, benign stuff. I saw him pick the door keys up. As we were going down the first floor, he realised he'd left the keys indoors. Now, apparently this was 'my fucking fault' because I 'distracted him by talking shit in his ear'.

When we're out and someone bumps into me, even when it was evidently the other person's fault, he looks at me with contempt and says I'm a 'fucking dickhead, getting in everyone's way'.

I'll admit, I'm one of those annoying people who inadvertently make animated facial expressions and hand gestures while talking about things important to me at the time. If I do this in public, he tells me I 'Look like a fucking weirdo, everyone's looking at you, everyone's looking at you thinking what the fuck is wrong with you'.

He reacts to completely average occurrences involving me with 'Oh fuck off then you slag/cunt/prick/mental faggot' etc.

He really thinks it's me that's the problem, though. Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal? Hmm

OP posts:
NemosKnickers · 25/05/2017 14:00

you don't like each other. why bother?

cjt110 · 25/05/2017 14:01

spends all his own money on weed I think you'll find this is why he is the way he is....

DarkFloodRises · 25/05/2017 14:01

What a nasty, immature, foul-mouthed loser.

Hillarious · 25/05/2017 14:02

To think he must know his behaviour is wrong?

He obviously doesn't. And now it's time for you to accept that he doesn't. I think you've had plenty of sound advice on here.

Itsallaswizz · 25/05/2017 14:03

Oh get rid! He sounds absoluteley awful, he must be making you so miserable! Please leave him, you canot have an attitude like that around you never mind around your child!

BarbarianMum · 25/05/2017 14:04

Surely you know his behaviour is wrong? Surely you know you've had a kid with an abusive waster?

Mysterycat23 · 25/05/2017 14:04

Spends all his money on weed? Think of weed as the other woman in your relationship and his knobbish behaviour makes sense. He actually prefers a drug to a real person. That's no reflection on you OP. He is incapable of a real relationship.

None of what you have described is normal or acceptable.

Run run run away.

Itsallaswizz · 25/05/2017 14:04

*absolutely

But yes I meant the awful

Wolfiefan · 25/05/2017 14:06

He spends all his money on weed, is verbally abusive and you're with him why? Get out for the sake of your poor kid.

Ladymadness · 25/05/2017 14:08

Run and never look back ! He has no respect for you at all !
My oh would never speak to me like this and in all honesty I would probably slap him up the mouth if he insulted me like that all the time (don't hit him though that was just hypothetical) worse my oh has ever called me is a muppet when iv done something silly. He is being verbally abusive to you op x

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 25/05/2017 14:08

Surely not... He must realise? How can anyone who behaves like that genuinely think it's normal

Surely YOU know this isn't normal so WHY on earth are you with such an utter bastard?

LTB LTB LTB!

HumphreyCobblers · 25/05/2017 14:08

All the above plus it is an ENDEARING trait when people gesticulate and have expressive faces when they talk. Not something to be abused for.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 25/05/2017 14:09

Is he polite to their people? Does he speak to them in such an abusive way too?

It doesn't matter what faces you pull or how irritating you are. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that.

Your child will be hearing all this and think it's normal behaviour. Which it isn't. You are both your child's role model. Your child will be learning that it's acceptable to verbally abuse a woman and it's ok to be in a relationship and be verbally abused. You and your child deserve more then this. You really do.

AnneOfCleavage · 25/05/2017 14:09

If you have any sense of self worth left (because let's face it he's draining you dry) then get out now while you can. He will not change and you don't want to bring up your child in that environment. You deserve better than this and you know it.
My DD (nearly teenager) wants to marry someone just like her dad as he is her role model. Would you want your child to be with someone like your partner?

A tip you may find useful - I do this when making BIG decisions - is to write a list of pros and cons of why you're with this guy and why you shouldn't be with him. See how the lists compares. Be totally honest though as in black and white it may be a shock.

Isthisusernamefree · 25/05/2017 14:09

Good grief, you poor thing, that's not any kind of way to live.

That man has no respect for you and will never change. And your DC will grow up thinking that is how men should speak to women.

I know it might seem impossible and/or unachievable right now if you haven't been thinking about it already, but please please consider leaving this horrible man.

Flowers
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 25/05/2017 14:10

Righto. So he's a cunt in almost every way he could be. Is there any reason at all why you're with him except maybe habit or scared of the unknown?

Miniwookie · 25/05/2017 14:11

Please leave. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Your child should not be raised believing it is acceptable to be treated like this. Your OH is an abusive arse.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 25/05/2017 14:11

You can't bring up a child in this kind of situation OP.

What happens when your DC get cross in the playground and calls another child a 'flid' or a 'faggot' - you know that's hate speech, right? If you won't leave for yourself, leave for your child.

NotQuiteJustYet · 25/05/2017 14:12

Another first LTB from me too. You can't allow your child to be raised in an environment where one of their parental influences believes it's fine to speak to someone else like that.

You can do SO much better than this abusive arsehole.

NellieFiveBellies · 25/05/2017 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnionKnight · 25/05/2017 14:13

Why the fuck are you with him?

Goth237 · 25/05/2017 14:13

He sounds awful. He has no respect for you at all. You should have the respect for yourself to expect better because you deserve it. You deserve to be treated like a human being and with respect. If he can't do that, then you should leave. Because not only is it not fair in you, but if you can't do it for that reason, do it for your child. He/she will grow up in an environment where it's OK to say horrible things to mummy and live around the smell of weed. It's a very toxic environment. Please leave him.

Hissy · 25/05/2017 14:15

When is he leaving?

Do you know the damage being done to your kids by having this miserable prick in their lives?

Rhayader · 25/05/2017 14:15

Another first LTB

wickerlampshade · 25/05/2017 14:16

Now, he was going to be using my bank card, because he basically spends all his own money on weed and has nothing left,

and you're with this man for what reason?

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